Trust carnivores!


In a startling discovery sure to change our perceptions of our distant ancestors, researchers announced the finding of ancient cave writing about natural parenting. Ima Frawde CPM announced the finding and speculated on its implications. The scrawls on the walls of an ancient African cave appear to date back nearly 500,000 years and be written by a tribal “wise woman.” It took scholars nearly a decade to translate them.

Here for the first time is a complete translation:

Ladies, it is time to take parenting back from the patriarchal men who have filled it with interventions. Things are getting out of control.

[pullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]Some babies are meant to get eaten.[/pullquote]

I’m speaking, of course, about the fact that nearly 40% of all cave dwellers now make fires at the mouths of their caves every single night. The men say that it protects our infants and small children from predators … as if 40% of all babies would be eaten by predators each night if we slept without fire!

I say its just an opportunity to dazzle us with their technical prowess, and then take credit if our babies are not eaten in the night. If predators were really as dangerous as the men claim, we wouldn’t be here.

I’m not against all technology. I respect that some people feel that their lives are improved by stone tools and that hunters believe they catch more game with spears, but fire is going a step too far. We should be sleeping each night as Nature intended, sheltered in caves, whispering affirmations, safe in the knowledge that if we eat right and exercise our children will not be eaten.

I say: Trust carnivores!

Yes, I recognize that babies are less likely to be snatched if they sleep in caves protected by fire, but there is more to sleep than whether the baby survives the night. It may be true that babies who sleep in caves without fire are 10 times more likely to be prey for carnivores than babies who are protected by fire, but the absolute risk of getting eaten on any given night is really very low.

Moreover, in an emergency develops and a lion or jackal is has one of our babies in its jaws, we can light a torch then to frighten the animal away. There’s plenty of time to do that when the emergency occurs; there is no need to have a fire going each and every time darkness falls.

Plus, and this is something that men simply don’t understand, some babies are meant to get eaten.

Ladies, I encourage you to educate yourself about the risks of fire. Overuse of fire can lead to burned clothes, charred cave walls and even burn injuries to children. These risks are simply unacceptable! The fact that a few extra babies may be saved from tigers is a trivial benefit that pales in comparison to the risks.

You think I’m exaggerating? I doubt it. At this rate it is only a matter of time before 100% of cave dwellers sleep in caves protected by fire.

There must be limits to technology! If we don’t call a halt to parenting interventions like fire, the next thing you know all the men will be insisting that we cook our food with fire. Okay, okay, that’s probably an exaggeration, but let’s face it, technology should be reserved for emergencies. For 99.9% of the time, natural is best.


This satire first appeared in August 2013.

14 Responses to “Trust carnivores!”

  1. Rose Magdalene
    October 7, 2016 at 11:45 pm #

    I know this is satire, but this piece made me think about those people who keep big cats like lions and tigers as pets. Then they get all surprised when their pet attacks them or a family member. Some folks really don’t understand that predators aren’t to be trusted.

  2. Reality022
    October 6, 2016 at 5:12 am #

    Things To Come 1936
    The world has gone through an apocalyptic war and a technocratic oligarchy has defeated the anarchy of brutish regional war lords and unified civilization.
    Cedric Hardwicke as Luddite Sculptor Theotocopulos – “Is it a better world than it used to be?
    I rebel against this progress!
    What has this progress, this world civilization, done for us? Machines and marvels. They’ve built this great city of theirs, yes. They’ve prolonged life, yes. They’ve conquered nature, they say, and made a great white world.
    Is it any jollier than the world used to be in the good old days; when life was hot and short and merry and the devil took the hindmost?

    2nd Sculptor – All the same, what can we do about it?

    CH – Rebel. And rebel now. Now! Now, is the time!

    2nd Sculptor – Why now in particular?

    CH – Why, because of this space gun business. Because of this project to shoot human beings at the stars. People don’t like it, shooting humans away into the hard frozen darkness. They’re murmuring.

    2nd Sculptor – They’ve murmured before and nothing came of it.

    CH – Because they have no leader.
    But now, suppose someone cried, “Halt! Stop this progress.”
    Suppose I shout it to the world: “Make an end to this progress.”
    I could talk. Talk. Radio is everywhere. This modern world is full of voices.
    I’m a master craftsman. I have the right to talk.

    2nd Sculptor – Yes, but will they listen to you.

    CH – They’ll listen, trust them.
    If I shout, “Arise! Awake! Stop this progress before it’s too late!”
    Frighteningly familiar sentiments to what we hear now.
    Theotocopulos doesn’t understand nor participate in the science or technology of his culture. He fears and hates progress. He feels disenfranchised as an artist in the technical civilization in which he lives.
    In his frustration he desires to tear it all down like a petulant child, even desiring the shorter life and a more brutal existence of “the good old days”.

    This is something I fear may be actually happening now, without an apocalypse, as a matter of cultural evolution. As civilization becomes more dependent on science and technology, perhaps society is segregating along technical/scientific literacy lines.

  3. Heidi
    October 5, 2016 at 4:49 pm #

    Ever since the baby was born, my husband makes us keep a dimmed light on in our room at bedtime. Now it’s kind of making sense! I will be glad, though, when I can sleep in complete darkness again.

  4. namaste863
    October 5, 2016 at 4:33 pm #

    Everyone knows carnivores are perfectly safe, as long as you trust them and don’t tense up! We were made to interact with them! Our bodies are perfectly designed for it, we’ve been doing it since the dawn of time! Fire ruins the experience! It’s only men who have recently convinced us carnivores are dangerous, probably just because they want to light fires and get a good night’s sleep without the hassle, or else they’re conspiring to ruin the deeply spiritual experience of interacting with them for women!

    • Sean Jungian
      October 5, 2016 at 4:36 pm #

      Sure, it’s a little more work (to run faster and climb higher) but it’s WORTH it for the natural experience! Plus, interacting with predators gives you natural immunity to them – if you outrun ’em once, you’re good forever.

  5. Dr Kitty
    October 5, 2016 at 4:09 pm #

    Currently reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari- really enjoying it, and this post made me think of it.

    He points out that nothing about humanity is “natural” and that our cultures are made up of ever changing fictions that we share.

  6. Sean Jungian
    October 5, 2016 at 2:34 pm #

    I keep reading the headline of this essay in the tune of South Park’s “Blame Canada!”

  7. Sean Jungian
    October 5, 2016 at 2:32 pm #

    I wonder if our friendly neighborhood Antivaxxer-Who-Doesn’t-Understand-Metaphors will show up to insist that “tigers really don’t eat that many babies, please point to reputable studies that show this is the case.”

  8. Sean Jungian
    October 5, 2016 at 1:53 pm #

    I’m a little skeptical of this whole “sleeping in caves” things – are we sure that’s natural??

    • guest
      October 5, 2016 at 4:27 pm #

      Definitely not. Humans evolved to sleep out under the moon and stars. This eliminates the need for fire since they provide all the light necessary to see.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild
      October 5, 2016 at 8:07 pm #

      Sleeping in caves is totally unnatural. Any decent cave parent would insist on her/his family sleeping on the ground in the open air! Rain and mud are natural! Hardly anyone gets pneumonia anymore, and if your children do get pneumonia the local witch doctor can easily cure it with organically grown herbs like garlic. Its good for kids to build up a natural immunity to these things!

      • Sean Jungian
        October 5, 2016 at 8:43 pm #

        Yes, and ideally you should have had a Lotus Birth and keep that stinking rotting placenta attached to the baby until if falls off naturally. If you don’t last out the week, well, some babies families just weren’t meant to live. Besides, plenty of babies die when IN the cave, anyway.

  9. Roadstergal
    October 5, 2016 at 1:50 pm #

    This is such a lovely metaphor. Because the answer to fire injuries was developing better sources of protection and illumination while still using fire, not getting rid of fire!

  10. October 5, 2016 at 1:43 pm #

    “While we’re at at, why are we clothing babies? Babies come to Earth naked so we should honor the Good Earth’s intention of having naked babies. Yes, clothing your infant does make them less likely to die of exposure, but preventing deaths by exposure will just make our people weaker.”

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