Trust penises!

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Mr. Jones, so nice to meet you.

Allow me to introduce myself, Ima Frawde, IBCEC. What are the letters for? International Board Certified Ejaculation Consultant, of course. I support men who have ejaculation dysfunction at the low introductory price of $200 per hour. I’m here to help you with your erectile dysfunction.

Examine you? No, I’m not going to examine you. I know what’s wrong without examining you; I learned during my training that so called “erectile dysfunction” is always caused by the man who claims he is suffering from it. Different ejaculation consultants may have different opinions about a variety of issues, but on one thing we are all agreed: there is no such thing as “not enough” erectile function.

Just think about it. If erectile dysfunction were real, the population of the world would have died out long ago and we wouldn’t be here. We’re here, so that proves my point!

[pullquote align=”right” color=””]There is no such thing as “not enough” erectile function.[/pullquote]

What is causing your problem? Well, there are a number of possibilities.

1. You are not trying hard enough.

Some men simply don’t care about giving their wives the best sexual experience possible. Let’s face it, sexual intercourse can be a challenge and most husbands are just too lazy to meet the demands of regular activity. When the going gets tough, they give up and give in, opting for vibrators and other sex toys. Sure their wives may seem satisfied with vibrators, but over time those same wives will experience a decrease in IQ. If you really cared about your wife, Mr. Jones, you’d try harder. Lololol, get it? Try harder?

2. You are deformed, but that’s not an excuse.

Sigh, you have a circumcised penis, and we all know who’s to blame for that. Your ignorant parents never realized that circumcision causes erectile dysfunction. Sure you might not have noticed it for the first 65-70 years of life and it might not have started until after you had your first heart attack and began insulin for diabetes, but it is just as much the cause as if you were circumcised yesterday. Too bad for you.

3. Decreased blood flow? Don’t be silly.

You might have heard that erectile dysfunction can be caused by diseases that decrease blood flow to all organs, not just the penis, but it’s not true. That’s just a lie made up by Big Pharma in an effort to sell Viagra. There is no such thing as “not enough blood flow”! Your body is perfectly designed to have an erection and if you only gave it enough time, everything would be fine.

4. So what if your wife is crying because you can’t have intercourse; she’ll just have to wait.

Erectile dysfunction is a matter of supply and demand. If you don’t try to have sex often enough, you’ll never have enough blood flow. You have to keep trying to have sex over and over and over again each day and eventually there will be enough blood flow for erections on demand.

5. You’re doing it wrong.

Positioning is very, very important to prevent erectile dysfunction. If you held your wife the right way, she’d be able to “latch on” to your penis properly and you would then get an erection. So basically this is all your fault.

Oops, time’s up. You can pay with a check, although cash under the table is always appreciated. I’ll be back later in the week for another session. Just remember what I told you: you are not trying hard enough; you are deformed; there is no such thing as decreased blood flow; your wife is just going to have to deal with her disappointment; and, don’t forget, you are doing it wrong.

What? Of course it is your fault! Stop whining that there’s something wrong just so you have an excuse to stop having intercourse. We all know that is what is really going on.

You feel worse now?

No need to thank me; I’m just doing my job as an IBCEC, International Board Certified Ejaculation Consultant.

  • Do you have a penis?
    Probably, not: even if your level of testosterone is clearly higher than normal women, you’re too uterine to have a penis.

    If you do not have a penis: then stop the femsplaining, and shut up.

    Everything you say about men is wrong, and you also say it for the wrong reasons: your hatred against men.

    And don’t forget to remove your clitoral hood, you’ll feel better.

  • itry2brational

    You can take it from the ideologically blinded man-hater feminist or you can take it from a man who had the surgery. One of these two knows more about the effects of circ on penises than the other.
    https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a28580739/circumcision-pros-and-cons/?fbclid=IwAR2OUTIx84ZALA2I0OxwHUfSRuv8wV2shZ_OfrkIS0VpM9qb04FRvb5lqjw
    “I think sex would be better if I still had the foreskin. There’s definitely less sensitivity now, and it takes me a while to ejaculate.”
    “I’ve researched and tried to teach myself to orgasm faster; I’ve spoken to my doctor and the urologist about it, and it seems like everything else health-wise is fine. All signs point to this complication not being an erectile issue, just that the tip of my penis is less sensitive than it was before.

    He’s just imagining it all, right “doc”? You know better and you’re gonna make all the other man-haters feminists feel better for “their” choice. Save us!

    “If I have a son, I wouldn’t circumcise him.”

    Really? Gee, this is after he had the yeast infections and the phimosis etc….still wanted to keep it. So much for those as excuses. Couldn’t help but notice the doc’s advice for the yeast infection: meh, just wash yourself and wait for it to go away…..or chop it off. Ya know, its your choice.

    • Zizi

      Um, this is a parody of the double standard in men’s vs. women’s healthcare. AFAIK, there is no such thing as an “ejaculation consultant.” This whole thing is a satire of the way lactation consultants treat women who can’t breastfeed properly.

      • The Bofa on the Sofa

        I don’t know. As I age, sometimes I feel an awful lot like the guy in the picture.

    • MaineJen

      It’s like you saw the word “penis” and decided not to read any further.

    • Allison

      Of course it’s ridiculous – that’s the point. No one would ever say this to a man with erectile dysfunction, nor should they. No one should say it to a woman struggling to breastfeed, either – but they do.

    • Both ways are wrong.

      The misandrous harpy should never talk about penises. Period.

  • itry2brational

    Ah, the skeptical bigot preaching hate to her flock of followers. The most clueless, dumbest crap you will ever read is a feminist talking about penises.

    • Before you comment on this blog, please a) summarize in your own words the point of the post, and b) determine the tone and intent, with regard to c) the content of other posts.

      Now, don’t help him out, readers. Let’s see if we can get the ol’ wheels to turn.

      • itry2brational

        An unintentional attempt to surpass said cluelessness. Nice. lol

  • Excellent!

    I came across this: https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-07-home-birth-babies-health-promoting-microbes.html today. All I could do was roll my eyes. Clearly, we’re all doing it wrong. Just thought it might give you some blog fodder.

    • rational thinker

      OMG I dont even have words to describe the crap I just read other than maybe midwife propaganda maybe or biggest pile of bullshit ever.

    • Anne

      Oh good grief, babies spend 24 or 48 hours in the hospital and then are exposed to their home environment for the rest of their childhood. And who the heck let’s their dog lick their newborn? I guess it could clean up the baby.

      • EmbraceYourInnerCrone

        Isn’t colonizing the baby with the “family” micro-organisms one of the reasons they started encouraging skin to skin right after birth (personally I think it’s overblown and should be entirely up to the mother) The push for skin to skin actually irritates me because of course you want someone handing you a slippery baby while you are having your tears sewn up and you are exhausted and shaking /snark

        • swbarnes2

          Originally was more about keeping premie babies warm in situations where there were not enough incubators for them. Like so many interventions, is was useful for one subpopulation in a third world setting, and the crunchy crowd decided it must be vastly superior for all babies ever.

    • MichLaw

      I just read this article. OMG, what absurdity! The silliest claim was that hospitals wash women’s vaginas which decreases good bacteria. I had both my babies in hospitals. No one washed my vagina to prepare me for birth.

      • The Bofa on the Sofa

        It’s interesting. One of the most vocal opponents of the “wash down there” attitudes is Jen Gunter, an OB/Gyn. While hippy-dippy Goop lady says to “steam” it. Talk about killing bacteria!

        • Zizi

          I…feel that we may be regressing towards anti-Semmelweiss attitudes. Not fully, not yet, but getting there.

      • Heidi

        And evidently homebirth midwives must not wash their hands. Whuuut?! Yeah, no one washed my vagina and while I’m pretty certain I pooed once while pushing, she just wiped me off with a damp washcloth. I sure as hell hope everyone washed their hands though.

    • Zornorph

      Good grief, she basically wants mothers to poop on their newborns since they need to be exposed to ‘fecal bacteria’.

  • Ruth Mayfly

    This is hilarious!
    Though I’m not sure what the breastfeeding equivalent of ‘your parents had you circumcised’ is. Could someone explain please?

    • rational thinker

      if you were formula fed you are not used to seeing women breastfeed so it is a new thing to you and you have been conditioned to only see formula feeding as normal.

      • Ruth Mayfly

        …..that’s really used as a reason why someone is having problems breastfeeding? Good grief.

        • rational thinker

          yeah but you have to remember these are the same people who tell women you can breastfeed after breast cancer and mastectomy the milk will apparently come out of your armpits instead. If you are in the mood for a laugh visit the alpha parent blog that woman is on a whole new level of crazy.

          • Ruth Mayfly

            I tend to feel more like crying than laughing. And I did see that thing about breastfeeding after a mastectomy.

          • mabelcruet

            I said it before, but if there is a real case of a woman successfully breast feeding from the armpit, it would be instantly written up as a case report. Firstly, if you have glandular breast tissue in your axilla after having a total mastectomy, then you should sack your surgeon because he’s not done it right. Then you need an accessory nipple there for baby to suck on, otherwise it’ll just be gnawing on your armpit skin. Then you need a nipple with patent ducts that connect to the breast tissue, because otherwise the milk produced from the breast tissue will just sit there and get reabsorbed back into the tissue.

            Unless you’ve given birth to a reincarnated mini Count Dracula who could use his hollow incisors to suck milk from your armpit thereby obviating the need for nipples or ducts, there is no chance that you can successfully exclusively breast feed from your pit.

          • rational thinker

            LOL yes I have never heard from them how exactly the baby is supposed to access this armpit milk.

          • mabelcruet

            Yep, as soon as you start thinking about the actual logistics of it, it doesn’t make any sense. Accessory nipples are actually quite common: they are generally found in the ‘milk line’ (ventral epidermal ridges) which run from the middle of your armpits, down through your normal nipples and down each side of your body. You can even have accessory nipples on your labia (if you have labia!) and sole of foot. But generally, the only nipples that form properly and connect up to ducts are your proper chest nipples. The other accessory nipples tend to be superficial epidermal lumps-they are usually removed for cosmetic reasons, and any that I’ve seen microscopically have a few little stunted glands that go nowhere and do nothing much just underneath the surface skin, that’s about all.

          • rational thinker

            I actually do have a third nipple. It is located on my upper left thigh torwards the back. I dont breastfeed but I probably could have if I had wanted to cause I do produce a lot of milk. Not at any time did any milk ever come out of the one on my thigh, but I wonder how many hard core lactavists really believe it could come out of there.

          • mabelcruet

            Accessory nipples would have got you burned for being a witch a few hundred years ago. Then again, being a midwife would have got you burned as well, they didn’t like women interfering in the medical field.

          • rational thinker

            If the Alpha parent had hey way I would be burned for formula feeding.

          • mabelcruet

            No, a person who willingly poisons an infant with liquefied effluent, causes them to grow up weak, brainless, chronically ill half-wits with multiple allergies and stunting their growth, deserves to be hung, drawn and quartered. Why won’t someone think of the baby….??!

          • Sarah

            If only you’d taken a load of off label domperidone.

          • Allison

            Uh, not if the surgeon was competent, it won’t…

  • Russell Jones

    Mr. Jones

    Ahem!!

    Seriously, though, those websites like For Hims and all those erectile dysfunction clinics springing up (lol get it?) all over the place are about taking the easy way out and ceding one’s all-natural boner agency to Big Pharma and the medical establishment.

    Dealing with MWS (mushy wang syndrome) is hard (lol get it?) work. It’s really fucking hard work. All us broheims out there who put in the work are fucking incredible. We are fucking incredible–every last one of us.

    • Allie

      “ceding one’s all-natural boner agency”

      Seriously, this just made my day. Possibly even my week. Thank you : )