The National Center for Health and Wishful Thinking

A consortium of chiropractors, herbalists and cancer quacks has petitioned the Federal government for creation of a National Center for Health and Wishful Thinking (NCHWT). The consortium believes that both “complementary medicine” and “integrative medicine” do not reflect the reality of alternative health. A spokeswoman for the consortium, Ima Frawde, explained that those descriptions do not accurately reflect the fundamental premise of alternative health, which is wishful thinking. According to the Ms. Frawde:

We don’t merely believe in a mind-body connection. We are committed to the principle that health is determined by specific beliefs. Indeed, we feel strongly that the right beliefs can keep you healthy and the wrong beliefs can make you sick.

The consortium has published a working paper on what the National Center for Health and Wishful Thinking might look like, including plans for 6 specific departments. The following excerpts explain the departments.

Blame the Victim

A founding principle of the NCHWT is that anyone who is sick has brought it on themselves. They should have eaten better, exercised more, taken supplements and thought positive thoughts. Virtually all cases of cancer and heart disease are caused by the victim, who fully deserves the consequences including severe disability and death.

The Blame the Victim division will explore the ethical ramifications of withdrawing care from patients in order to divert the resulting savings to buy more preventive herbs and supplements for everyone else.

The “Nanny State” Department

This is the research arm of the NCHWT, though no actual research will be done. That’s because all preventive care is good, and it is a waste of money to bother proving it. The “Nanny State” Department is charged with the promulgation and enforcement of laws determining just what foods are allowed and prohibited. Building on the groundbreaking ordinances in New York City, the department will expand far beyond restrictions on trans-fats and salt. Since all disease is determined by what people eat, some substances will be banned and others promoted. To ensure enforcement, stores and restaurants will be stripped of any products that do not receive the “Nanny State” Seal of Approval.

Childbirth Affirmations

Good health begins at birth. The bedrock principle of the Department of Childbirth Affirmations is that the key to health is for the mother to be empowered by her birth experience. Neonatal mortality and morbidity are sterile concepts and cannot capture the emotional significance of birth; therefore, such data will no longer be collected.

All births will be homebirths and only those with the least amount of education training will be allowed to attend births. The full transition to Certified Professional Midwives (who proudly have less education and training than any midwives in the industrialized world) must be completed within 5 years. In the meantime, any provider accused of “birth rape” will be sentence to death; no trial is necessary.

Vaccine Rejection

It’s not merely physical health that begins in infancy, it is mental health as well. Since everyone knows that vaccines cause autism, vaccines will henceforth be banned. Moreover, closer monitoring of autism incidence will be funded by diverting money from previous efforts to track child mortality. Since infectious childhood diseases have disappeared spontaneously, there is no reason to anticipate that any children will die.

Mental Illness as a Social Construct

Obviously, mental illness is a category created to marginalize those challenge the norms of society and think outside the box. In recognition of the extreme creativity of those previously deemed “mentally ill” (e.g. Vincent Van Gogh), the use of psychotropic medications will henceforth be banned. Implementation will start by criminalizing the use of stimulant medications for ADHD since everyone knows that ADHD doesn’t exist. It is merely a ruse used by upper middle class parents to turn B students into A students and simultaneously destroy their souls.

Department of Lying

It is axiomatic that the placebo effect helps more people with fewer side effects than any other treatments. Therefore, all future disease treatments will invoke the placebo effect by substituting any active ingredients with sugar. Since lying is an integral part of the placebo effect (i.e. patients need to be convinced by the doctor that the inactive medication will be effective) requirements for informed consent will be modified to emphasize that patients should not be given accurate information about their care.

Spokeswoman Ima Frawde cautions that the working paper represents only the most basic structure of the National Center for Health and Wishful Thinking. Further elaboration may yield more departments, greater contempt for victims and new methods of tricking patients. The consortium estimates that $1 trillion dollars should be diverted from conventional healthcare to the NCHWT, and more if any actual research is contemplated in the future. Close financial relationships between supplement manufacturers and the Center are contemplated to defray any additional costs.

As Ms. Frawde proudly points out:

The National Center for Health and Wishful Thinking will embody the latest advances in health. Knocking on wood or prayer may have been acceptable to previous generations, but the healthcare strategy of wishful thinking has advanced from those primitive methods. The cornerstone of future efforts will be the placebo effect, dietary restrictions and supplements. We estimate that by 2025, the US death rate will have dropped to zero; however, since our plans include ending actual monitoring of deaths we may unwittingly achieve our goal even sooner.