The Sanctimommy Olympics

Lost in all the hype around the real Olympics, another festival is taking place in Oregon, the Sanctimommy Olympics.

The Sanctimommy Olympics, like the real Olympics, awards outstanding performances in a variety of events. Like the real Olympics, the Sanctimommy Olympics has strength events, speed events, distance events,and endurance events. Plus there are special categories for risking your baby’s life, putting your own needs ahead of that of your child and boasting of your superiority to other mothers.

For the first time ever, the opening ceremonies of the Sanctimommy Olympics were led by a man. Honorary Sactimommy Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City was the man of the hour, in large part because of his commitment to hiding infant formula in hospitals under lock and key. The torch was lit by Gisele Bunchen who shot to sanctimommy fame in the wake of her homebirth when she proposed a law requiring all mothers to breastfeed. The flame had traveled from The Farm in Tennessee where Ina May Gaskin had lit it naturally using a flint and homegrown, organic straw, across the US, carried by sanctimommy luminaries like Mayim Bialik and and Ricki Lake.

Entertainment was provided by a chorus of laboring women vocalizing their distress.

Security was extremely tight. Even participants were required to demonstrate that they did not have a scar on their uterus and to bring any baby boys for examination to confirm that all foreskins were intact.

Endurance events include longest out of hospital labor (extra points if the baby survives, though that is not a requirement), longest breastfeeding (minimum requirement for entry is 4 years), and most children tandem breastfed at the same time. This year the same woman won the gold medal for both longest breastfeeding and most children tandem breastfed. She is still breastfeeding her 10 year old, as well as four other children, ages 8, 6, 4, and 2.

This year also saw the introduction of two endurance events for fathers: most years excluded from sleeping in the family bed and least number of acts of sexual intercourse in a 5 year period.

The main strength event is child-wearing. Anyone can wear a baby 24/7, but it takes a real champion to wear a pre-teen. Extra points are awarded if the child has never learned to walk independently.

Speed events include rushing infants to the potty for elimination communication, dashing into traffic to rescue children who keep playing there because they have never been disciplined, and instantaneously criticizing any father who dares to evince an opinion on raising his own children. The criticism event was marred by numerous false starts of mothers who criticized their husbands even before they said anything.

The heart and soul of the Sanctimommy Olympics are the special events. These include risking your baby’s life at homebirth. Unfortunately, this year’s gold medal was awarded posthumously to a woman who died attempting an unassisted birth through a placenta previa. The baby died, too, which isn’t a problem since no points are deducted for a dead baby.

The signature special event is the Sanctimommy Heptathalon. Participants compete in 7 special events including homebirth (extra points for broadcasting it live), extended breastfeeding, extended baby-wearing, sanctimonious heckling of women who make different choices, running a blog, banning comments that disagree, and insisting that you are being persecuted for your choices. This year’s gold medalist? The Feminist Breeder, of course!

This piece is satire.