Startling finding announced in prestigious journal
by Gull E. Bull
Scientists have made an astonishing discovery about the cause of pregnancy. According to the study, published in the widely read journal JCS (Journal of Crap Science), researchers have discovered a remarkable and powerful association between maternity clothes and pregnancy raising the possibility that maternity clothes cause pregnancy. Lead author Publish R. Parrish explains that this remarkable association was found in a variety of different investigations.
1. Nearly all women wearing maternity clothes are pregnant (correlation coefficient 0.95) indicating a near perfect relationship between maternity clothes and pregnancy.
2. There is a startling association between the number of stores selling maternity clothes and the overall fertility rate (p<0.01).
3. The odds ratio for pregnancy for a woman wearing maternity clothes as opposed to non-maternity clothes, is very high (RR 35.7). For non-pregnant women, the number wearing maternity clothes drops off in a linear fashion from the day after delivery to approximately 6 weeks postpartum.
According to Dr. Parrish:
“The findings in this study are even stronger than the study touting an association between induction and autism. We believe that our study deserves far more attention because the association is much clearer and even more robust.”
Asked if it were possible that the investigators had misinterpreted their findings, confusing the fact that pregnancy causes women to wear maternity clothes and not the other way around, Dr. Parrish acknowledged the need for further research. He admitted that correlation is not causation but pointed out that if the mainstream media could make such a fuss about crap research showing an association between induction and autism, his work should be able to get even more attention.
As Dr. Parrish noted:
“We aren’t really concerned with what is true, but rather what can be published and publicized. The more sensational the results, the better. Why wait to reproduce results when you can submit crap to any journal, get it published and get it publicized in the newspapers? It’s not like anyone is really checking the accuracy of our findings or the plausibility of our conclusions, right?”
Indeed, Dr. Parrish admits that he has no intention of further research in this area. He is eager to move on to his next project: C-sections for macrosomia cause babies to grow larger.
This piece, which previously appeared in August 2013, is satire.
Read title. Lost consciousness. Came to myself laughing.
Now, let’s get back into my mind and read the piece.
Have I ever mentioned that these are my favorites on your site? 😛
LOL, good post. This is the first time I’m seeing it, though. I wonder how I missed it the first time.
My first piece of “maternity” clothing was a t-shirt my husband found for me at a garage sale. See below.
Perfect!
LOL!
I like the one I saw on ThinkGeek, that has a bar on it about half filled-in. Below the bar, it says, “Loading, please wait”. 😀
When my son was a baby, he had a similar shirt with the bar that said “Diaper loading 90% complete”.
*maximum gigglesnort* Do you remember where you bought that shirt?
It was a gift, but Think Geek or Zazzle would be a good place to look.
My niece has one saying, “If you’re close enough to read this, you’re close enough to change my diaper”.
And one claiming, “Why would I need Santa Claus (or Grandpa Christmas, as he’s known here) when I have a grandmother?”
And the absoulte best, “I love heavy metal, just like Daddy”.
That is definitely much better than baby onsies I’ve seen on crunchy moms’ blogs: “My son is circed” or “I want my future husband to be intact”. The second one makes me cringe so much I’m gonna go hide under my quilt.
The ones with “Back off girls! Daddy is already taken!” are one of my favourite ones. SIL? She loves the one with “Daddy knows much, Mommy knows all!” Not sure what the Intruder thinks about this one… He certainly DOESN’T know all, though. He has this habit of switching himself off when we go about mascara and nail polish. It’s so obvious that we push the phone at him to play with because we feel impolite.
Wait, people are putting statements of sexual preference on their baby’s clothing?
Apparently. Bizarre, I know.
Worse than that, preferences of gonadal appearance and structure on their baby’s clothing. Horrible.
That’s disgusting.
Yep, it is.
This is but one example: http://www.cafepress.co.uk/+circumcision+baby-clothing
Thanks, but there are limits to what I’ll put in my browser history. :p
Good point.
It is a not-so-subtle way to advertise their crunchy, woo-laden views so that all the world can see that they are on the current “good parent” side of things. You know, the EBF mom wearing her baby in a sheer, see-through baby wrap so that the entire world can see the baby’s “Not Circed” onesie (printed on both sides, so *everyone* can see it) latched onto her boob; she is silently shouting that she is the BEST MOM whilst giving self-deprecating, humblebragging answers if anyone asks her about her setup.
Poor babies will think people are pulling distaste faces at them, not at their stupid clothing.
Just one more way the crunchies mess up their kids.
The “ladies’ man” onsie bothers me.
We had no idea that my husband was even circumcised until we didn’t have our son circed. They look different…
I wish I’d known about this one when I was pregnant, especially those last couple of months: http://www.cafepress.com/orderofthestick.420220355
I’m getting it for the next person whose baby shower I’m invited to. I’m not invited to many baby showers. Possibly because I bring gifts like this one.
HA! Love it!
I’m going to use this in class 😉 And might I add that the needed presence of the italicized sentence at the bottom is …sad. When I read some of the crap that gets published, I have to wonder why my stuff sits under review for ages before it’s accepted (or rejected) :/ Sigh…
Any fool knows that selling, giving away or throwing out maternity clothes or baby gear causes second and subsequent pregnancies.
This is no joke causational.
Your satire is more humorous when you’re not trying.
Is this your thing now?
To put a not very cutting insult on each post?
Why even bother?
I mean, all you’re really doing is contributing to page views and telling Dr T that you’re still reading her posts, so to keep doing what she’s doing because it got you hooked.
This may replace my “Pickles cause car accidents” lesson when I teach about correlation and causation. (It’s originally part of the introduction to the chapter in an old stats book, but I no longer have the book and can’t recall which one it was). This was a great post, Dr. Amy. Thanks.
I like to use the gravity causes plane crashes example 😉
I’m a big fan of the series “Mayday Air Crash Investigations”.
Ditto!
I love learning about all the complexities (and in some cases, simplicities) that can cause an airplane to crash or other disasters have problems that put people’s lives at risk. Does that sound weird?
An example of a ridiculously simplistic oversight that killed all aboard was the crash of Helios Flight 522. A lack of oxygen incapacitated the crew, leading to the aircraft’s eventual crash afterrunning out of fuel. The reason there was a lack of oxygen was because during routine pressurization checks the night before, a mechanic forgot to switch the pressurization setting back to automatic after testing it manually (Testing it manually is SOP.) During the pre-flight check the next day, the pilots failed to notice that it was still set to manual because of the bright sunlight making it impossible to read a change in setting.
The engineer (the one who had conducted the pressurization leak check) asked “Can you confirm that the pressurization panel is set to AUTO?” The captain, possibly experiencing the onset of the initial effects of hypoxia, disregarded the question and instead asked in reply, “Where are my equipment cooling circuit breakers?”. This was the last communication with the aircraft. (Wiki)
A flight attendant who had pilot training attempted to signal for help, but failed, and the plane crashed after running out of fuel. The reason that nobody heard the flight attendant’s Mayday calls over the radio was because he was too weak from oxygen deprivation to speak more loudly; he had used up all the emergency O2 on board. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tptOpJKFb1w
Also “Seconds from Disaster”. I introduced my husband to both shows as soon as we got hitched, so now he loves them, too.
For explaining correlation and causation and underlying factors, I like the fact that in the elementary school population, shoe size is highly correlated with reading level. Really – and it’s easy to understand why, and what’s the underlying factor.
Heh, I will probably not quit wearing my maternity clothes anytime in the foreseeable future despite being able to wear my non-maternity clothes now.
The first time I put on maternity pants, I said why don’t we wear pants like this all the time?
Yes – also, these great kid’s pants that have a little button on the inside to make them tighter or wider. I wish they’d do that for adult pants, too!
They’re starting to! I have a pair of jeans that have that.
Yes!
I am in a weird place where maternity jeans don’t fit anymore (because they are sliding down all the time) but most of old jeans don’t fit yet as I’m still having about 3-4 pounds of baby weight. Good that I venture outside of home rarely and can wear yoga pants most of days (not that I wouldn’t go out in them but it’s winter outside and jeans would be better fit).
After two pregnancies and the associated weight gain and loss (the latter of which usually stretches over about 2+ years after pregnancy), I now have a box of jeans of varying sizes in my basement. Every time I go up (or down) a size, I have something “new” to wear that actually fits me. (I’ve always had trouble finding good pants.) I’m so happy with my collection – totally takes the sting and bother out of needing a new size! 🙂
In my basement, we have two boxes for these purposes: ‘the box of hope” and “box of dispair.” They are so labelled.
I think I love you.
Followup study: use statistical models calculate the savings (billions!) if 90% of women who wish to become pregnant wore maternity clothes instead of undergoing expensive and unnecessary fertility treatments.
And withholding maternity clothing from women who do not desire pregnancy to support them in avoiding sexual activity.
Guilty disclosure time: my younger child is 8, and I still have a pair of black maternity jeans from when I was pregnant with her. My weight fluctuates between my exact pre-pregnancy weight and a few pounds below that, and the maternity jeans are a little too big, but they’re really comfortable, stretchy/clingy, and more importantly go with almost everything I own.
I have a pair of maternity black dress pants which I still wear for that exact reason.
I have a nursing bra that I still love, although thankfully I stopped nursing well over a year ago. It’s comfortable, fits well, and is one of my few black bras, which works best under certain outfits. I figure why give it up when bra shopping is only slightly less unpleasant than a root canal without Novocain : )
I totally agree about bra fittings. But in line with my other non-substantial posts today, I’m going to say that when I finally did go to get new bras after my last pregnancy (complete with an incredibly awkward fitting by a seemingly teenage shop attendant), I was SO happy. Never expected that having a well fitting bra would make everything else look so much better, too. And I always thought they didn’t make bras that fit me! (I just had to try on just about all the styles in the store… But now I know what I need!) Maybe it is something like going to the dentist. Or maybe we need to reward ourselves afterwards with a glass of wine! 🙂
Ironically, the only maternity shirt I’ve ever warn was one I found at a thrift store and wore before I began dating my first (and only) boyfriend. I just switched to my elasticized dress pants rather than my jeans when I got 7 months along last time. I never showed much and I managed to only gain the recommendation for obese women. Probably helped that I had only anti-cravings the first time around.
(I wear loose clothing, and I’m fat enough that things just shifted to somewhat different positions.)
I got so fat that I was too large for my maternity trousers by the third trimester.
*hugs* I’m probably already so fat that I couldn’t fit into your maternity trousers. I was desparate to not hit 300 lbs. Still am.
already so close…
*hug* I’m not pregnant, but I am overweight because of medication side effects. I eat healthy, though, but there’s not much we can do until I get well enough to wean me off those meds. I hate that I have no control over it.
oh, I’m just the typical eat too much, make poor food choices, exercise too little type. just sort of pleased that i stayed within my docs’ <15 lb recommendation last time. So much more brag-worthy than this pregnancy's "i haven't killed myself yet." wish i were joking.
am seeing a counsellor; its just bad tonight
Take it easy (asbest you can) and be kind to yourself.
thank you, W.
Thinking of you. I hope it gets easier soon, depression sucks. I find that reading helps, loosing myself in a book for a bit can dull it for a little while. Seconding the be kind to yourself! You are worth it, and self-care isn’t silly.
thank you
Hey, you gotta eat, and food is tasty, right? No judgment here. I have to watch it, and my husband keeps an eye on me, for signs of me trying to skip meals because of feeling self-conscious about my weight. Obviously that would be a very bad thing to do. I found an app to track my daily calorie intake (MyFitnessPal), and that helps.
That’s just like how breastfeeding cessation causes abuse! Or how continuous monitoring in labor causes fetal distress! It’s so amazing, how human technology, including maternity clothing, interferes SO MUCH with natural processes.
The clear and obvious conclusion is that women should be encouraged to go naked at all times.
Works for me….
Pretty sure my husband would agree.
What are we, Ferengi?
Or house-elves…
I’m feeling an awful lot like a house elf these days.
At least they wear pillow cases and tea cozies.
Betazoid?
Could we discuss this again in, say, 6 months? It’s winter here in the northern hemisphere.
I have to wonder whether handmade maternity clothing made from, say, organically-grown hemp, would be less intrusive to the natural process. Might offer protection against Interventions.
Love this piece. Hate to admit how long I spent in my maternity clothes postpartum… :/
Haha, I’m still in mine! 6 months later…..
I actually bought some 8 mos postpartum :/ 😉
I never left mine! I just got pregnant again! I told my husband if I was going to look pregnant (thanks, ginormous diastasis recti!) I guess I might as well be pregnant. Little did I know…
Congrats! 🙂
My SIL has never been pregnant and most of her clothes come from the maternity section of target.
Not quite maternity, but as a (I thought generally slim?) young person who hasn’t had children yet, I had a jarring moment when I realized the new jeans I had tried on and *loved* were branded NYDJ – Not Your Daughter’s Jeans. So apparently my shape is super unhip for someone who hasn’t had a child, go fig. (I still totally bought the jeans, btw. Mom jeans FTW!!)
I have had mom body since the 10th grade when the puberty fairy came in the night and gave me the finger. I look at pictures of people saying “I hate my new body post baby” and although a part of me sympathizes, another bigger part rolls my eyes for forever. Mom jeans for LYFE.
Even if you lose all the baby weight though, everything ends up in different places. Mostly migrating south.
before I had my babies my breasts were in Mid Michigan, after the boys they were moving south, now that I am in my 50’s they are whistling dixie….LOL
My last bra purchase was a 38 Long…
I feel like once I broke out of the training bras (22 was a good year) my poor bosom immediately settled in Ohio and it has been downhill ever since. I have a pretty good time explaining the concept of “droopy cleavage” to my small bosomed brethren.
In a few more years, I will be tucking them into my pants.
At least I learned origami as a child? I have heard that helps.
“puberty fairy came in the night and gave me the finger”
I am so totally going to have to use that phrase in the future. 😀
Not about the boobs or hips, though. I’m pushing 40 and still have a little boy’s body. I’ve gotten yelled at for going into the women’s room. :
My fairy was just like “Oh you prayed for boobs? How about leg hair instead. I heard that you wanted thick, vibrant hair and baby, your time has come. Ooh, and we are running a deal, you inherit broad hips, we toss in this gigantic dimply ass free of charge. We can revisit the boob question in five years when you are broke, unprepared, and can’t afford to buy bras or new clothes.”
I got piano-wire crotch hair, debilitatingly painful cramps, and rampant acne under my pillow. The acne never really gave up until I saw a sweet dermatologist mid last year (!!) who put me on spironolactone and magically wiped my face clean. The crotch hair has gotten easier to manage with laser hair removal. Hormonal birth control meant I could actually function all of the days in the month. Basically, Science has been coming up with ways to undo all the shit that puberty did to me.
My sister got a stunning face and amazing boobs from the fairy. Biology isn’t fair.
I come from a long line of truly stunning women on my dad’s side.
I take after my mom. Its a good thing I’m funny.
You’re my opposite. My mother’s family is all skinny, beautiful women with just the right amount of hip. Some have boobs, some don’t. My father’s family looks like a breeding ground for the NFL. I took after my father.
Sometimes I just want a moment of silence for all my wasted genetic potential, but then I remember better homely and fun than vice versa.
At least the fairy spread the misery around equally in my family. I got the huge thighs and acne, but great boobs. My older sister didn’t get acne and got great hips (not too big, not too small), but didn’t really get boobs. The next two sisters split puberty blessings and curses pretty equally as well, and the youngest two siblings are still going through puberty, but one’s a boy and the other’s a girl, so we don’t know what’ll happen yet.
My sister and I split the adult acne. She got the flat chest, ovarian cysts, and ‘birthing’ hips, and I had a slim but proportional figure with ridiculously painful and long periods. Post-kids I now have mostly calmer periods, a butt, wider hips, and nice boobs.
Now that you all reminded of the unending joys of puberty, I’m starting to feel bad for my daughter who will still have to go through this!
On the positive side, we all lived through it, and so will she. Actually, other than the extra 50 pounds I’m carrying around, I’m pretty happy with how I look now. If I wasn’t overweight, I’d have a nice athletic build with nice boobs and a nice behind. I need to start running again.
When I was at a baby naming ceremony recently, there were two Bat Mitzvah ceremonies going on at the same service and the whole baby-and-teenager nature of the event made me realize that “oh god, when people have babies, they one day have to relive MIDDLE SCHOOL with their children” and that became number one with a bullet in the “why becoming a parent must be terrifying” file.
My puberty fairy decided that I’d get D cups and really clear skin, but PCOS and the height of a seventh grader to balance it out. Can’t have everything, I guess.
Oh that’s about what I got.
“I didn’t give any boobs to the last girl. What the hell, I’m feeling generous. Here you go: twice the amount of boob. How about some extra thigh as well? Have fun with that! Oh, and you’re never going to grow any taller. Yup, seventh-grade height for life. Okay, see ya…”
Ah, thighs. I will never forget my mother looking at me and telling me I had inherited the family saddle bags. Good times.
My fairy must have skipped giving boobs to the previous three or four girls, by that logic. I went down three cup sizes after nursing my babies, and I’m not at a far more manageable 34G (US sizing). At least now I can buy bras at some stores (specialty boutiques and high end departments stores carry that size). Before that, I had to have bras custom made.
Do you know what is AWESOME? I wear a 32F right now and I still get people calling me small chested. My ribcage is narrow and my hips are big, I have to pay stupid money for bras and I don’t even get to turn heads.
The upside of having had bilateral mastectomies is that the size boob I need is only limited by cost and how fast FedEx can get them to me.
It was pretty funny when I went for my first fitting after surgery and found the size I’d been, and the fitter said, “Oh, no. Those are definitely too small. I bet you didn’t look proportional at all.”
Yup. Sounds like me. Linebacker shoulders, huge hips and ass, proportionally tiny ribcage and waist. The silver lining is, for example, MrC’s reaction the first time he saw them unclothed. His face was something like you’d expect from a child learning he’d just gotten a pony for christmas.
It is crazy right? The first time with a new guy is always the same. Shock, bewilderment, and awe. It is like a stealth missile, only vaguely insulting.
that’s an image, lol. Thanks for the genuine laugh. 🙂
….they can get smaller after nursing? Hmm.
Yeah, mine kind of…deflated. :/ Not a fun look…
Mine did. So did my grandmother’s. The only other women on that side of the family died long before I was born, so I can’t speak for any farther back. My sisters took after my mother’s side, and they all either stayed the same or got bigger. I’m guessing that’s yet another genetic lottery thing.
Hmm are you me? I have been the same height since I was 12.
15 was the year I stopped growing. Thankfully I had a massive growth spurt when I was 14 otherwise I would also be at my 12 year old height.
I had a growth spurt at 29.
Mind you I am now a D cup and for the first time in my life the same dress size top and bottom.
1 and a bit years left for me then 😛
I’m hoping my D cups stick around once I’ve finished shifting this stubborn baby weight, but I doubt they will. After the first two, they reverted to B cups.
Also! Good news, kinda, about the whole post-chickenpox thing. Saw the specialist today, no brain damage or lesions but no idea why my hands keep opening up and dropping things randomly. I do have benign cerebellar tonsillar ectopia but it’s not worth worrying about at this point. Cleared to do whatever I want, including learning to drive.
Oh man, Mishimoo, did you have chickenpox!? So sorry! Glad to hear things are getting better.
I had it last year in August, it thoroughly kicked my arse. Still getting fatigued more easily than normal, but slowly getting my stamina back up. Thankfully the kids are fully vaccinated and didn’t have a single spot or even a slight fever. I can’t fathom willingly inflicting chickenpox on others.
I’m my early thirties post bub measurements except was a B now a D, which seems to be a menopause thing. Bizarre.
Chicken pox for grownups is the pits of the earth. Sorry about the hands, but get on with those driving lessons! Hope you’re enjoying school holidays!
I am loving the school holidays! They are the best, I get to sleep in and just hang out with the kids. Nearly finished covering the exercise books, and I’m just about finished the first component of my course as well. Plus Bookfest starts tomorrow, so we’ll be raiding that at some point. The youngest starts going to daycare two days a week once school starts, so I’m going to take the opportunity to do driving lessons while all three are out.
Oh god, everything that fits my waist has several inches too much in the legs, and everything that fits my torso is a tourniquet on my arms…
I got large, muscular thighs (think Mary Lou Retton), a bubble butt and a tiny waist ( I was 35-23-35 at one time). Trying to find jeans that would fit over the thighs and butt and didn’t leave a huge gap between my actual waist and the waistband of the jeans was daunting. I got the “stocky, older lady” genes from the Polish side of the family and the Scottish/German side of the family. When I was pregnant, I never wore maternity clothes, as I wear scrubs to work and the drawstring waist was VERY forgiving. Plus, I carried “deep”; I never looked over 6 months pregnant even at the end.
Now, my proportions are much larger than they once were, but apparently I carry it *well*. Apparently I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do, even though my mental picture of me is something akin to Jabba the Hutt.
That’s why my small dog and son are *constantly* around me. They’ve fallen into my gravity well and cannot escape, so they just orbit.
I’m 4’11”. *hug* I think the puberty fairy has it in for me, forever.
That sounds about right!I haven’t grown since I was 13, yet have had a Bronze Age fertility goddess figure since then, too.
Dammit, I am “that last girl”!! Even more so after BFing two kids. Is it too late to claim my missing amount??
Same here – I have extra-large boobs because of precocious puberty caused by hydrocephalus. They’re a J now – how much bigger will these damned things get when I get pregnant?!
(Meanwhile, hubby loves my boobs.)
Don’t worry too much about who the jeans are supposed to be for. If you like them and they fit, who cares if they are supposedly for moms. I always hated low rise jeans that let your butt hang out, and for years the only place I could buy jeans with adequate coverage was Farm & Fleet. Maybe it was uncool, but it was still better than showing crack. I was young and child free at the time too, but still old enough to know that my butt shouldn’t show when wearing pants. Your shape isn’t the problem, the fashion industry is what’s screwed up.
I like maternity tops from Target because they fit me in the shoulders but have stretch to go over my large chest.
The problem at Target is that it’s hard to distinguish between the maternity and plus size sections, so by the time you realize which side it comes from, you’re already thinking about how cute that top is.
Just to be contrary, I managed to get away largely without wearing maternity clothes this time.
A-line and trapeze dresses over leggings at work, yoga pants, sweat pants and long stretchy t-shirts at home.
We went to a wedding when I was seven months pregnant and I just bought an A-line dress a size bigger than what I usually wear from the sale rail in H&M.
I could fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans pretty quickly afterwards, but they just made me miss my comfy leggings!
I tried to avoid purchasing maternity clothes because they are ridiculously expensive. Used belt extenders as long as possible but nothing beats good and comfy maternity jeans. Fortunately it was summer when I got big, and shops were full of loose or elastic tops to choose from. What I couldn’t get in maternity shops was good outdoor pants for fieldwork so I used a clever combination of belt and elastic band until almost 8 months (then I called it quits and started to actually use my maternity leave).
I have twins, and it was ridiculous towards the end there. I had some sweat/yoga pants that had drawstrings, so those could go under the belly. (I still have those pants. They aren’t specifically maternity and I use them as pjs now) Most of my tops just stretched over, leaving belly poking out the bottom. 🙁 I couldn’t close my winter coat, so I took my husband’s, and took some of his oversize t-shirts too, as pjs.