The miracle of birth


A song about the miracle of birth that tells it like it is. Hilarious!

“Tear, tear, tear goes your vagina.”

From the CW show ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’:

  • borkborkbork

    Thank you posting this.

    Straight, to-the-point, perfectly accurate, and more valuable than all the weeks of childbirth classes I took to prepare. It only took ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ three minutes to explain how labor works!

  • Eater of Worlds

    This poor woman’s miracle birth was ruined. First she was just forced to have an epidural and a long labor. Then when her baby was born he had fluid in his lungs. The doctors didn’t want to leave the placenta rotting and releasing bacteria into his system (we all know rot = fermentation = good this is like kim chi for newborns!). Since this was a hospital, they threatened us with the Aussie version of CPS because we didn’t remove that stinking heap of meat for two days. Since this was a hospital, it took days to get the blood tests back, they intentionally kept us hospitalized to force antibiotics into our baby and to make us wait for blood test results, since we all know that basic WBC tests take takes to return. That’s how we manage to treat other cases of infection, as it takes days for these test results to come back.

    This post was from a few years ago but the way this woman was willing to put her slightly sick baby at further risk for some perceived ‘natural” birth never fails to amaze me.

    • Who?

      That surely has to be satire.

      Their planned five hour labour, indeed.

      The critical importance of having your frustration validated.

      And that cute little goose cough, right, who wouldn’t want their baby to have that?

      • Dr Kitty

        Amazing, all the research on Lotus birth and apparently none on the risks of co-sleeping.

        • Who?

          Oh yes ‘research’.

          That word, out of certain lips, or in certain contexts, causes an involuntary eyeroll which has been observed to cause offence, or, what’s worse, to encourage the speaker to outline their position more fully. The only cure for me would be botox. A lot of botox.

          • kilda

            I’m a bad, bad person, because I started hopelessly giggling when they got to the part where they were weeping and singing You Are My Sunshine to the rotting placenta as they cut it off.

          • Who?

            That’s about where I decided it had to be parody.

          • MaineJen


        • mabelcruet

          But she’d read up on rhythmic cranial impulses, so that’s ok.

          I tried to find out what they are-googled helplessly, near as I can see its some sort of pulsatile wave breathing through the placenta, a wave impulse that can be palpated in any living tissue or fluid. So presumably breast milk has it too, seeing as though breast milk is supposed to ‘living white blood’ which means chopping off the placenta disrupts the RCI waves and can interfere with breast feeding. Which translates into you need to keep the placenta attached as long as possible to ensure the flow connection is established and ensure proper production of breast milk. Can I claim a CPD point? I reckon I’d be quite good coming up with total crap quackery and selling it to morons like her.

          • Who?

            Many of us on this site would be wealthy people today if only we had no scruples.

      • maidmarian555

        My daughter had that when she was born. I was warned it might happen with a CS with no labour, but it was alarming and not something I would describe as ‘adorable’. She shifted it in the middle of the night by violently expelling mucous out of both ends at the same time. That wasn’t her most adorable moment either.

  • Note to self: When procreating get an Elective CS.

  • Daleth

    Omg that’s hilarious. I am so so glad I went with a c-section!

    • rox123

      Yeah, me too.

  • BeatriceC

    OT: Dr. Amy, have you seen this? I am horrified on so many levels.

    • Amy Tuteur, MD

      It’s unconstitutional!

    • Dr Kitty

      What is a “heart beat”?

      Is it visible electrical activity in a cardiac pole?
      Audible sounds caused by blood moving through a four chambered heart?

      Because the first is very much not the same thing as the second.
      Doesn’t a “heartbeat” imply a heart?

      IOW: what Dr Gunter says

      • Empress of the Iguana People

        It’s hyperbole by the ignorant, of course. They mean when what will be a heart starts pulsing. Looks like cilia on microscopic pond life to me, but what do I know?

      • BeatriceC

        This, along with the constitutionality of it, are among my many levels of horror.

    • mabelcruet

      That’s fucking sadistic. In Northern Ireland, we can’t terminate on any grounds other than the health of the mother being at risk. The arseholes in charge decided that meant physical health only, not mental health. Even if a child had been raped, we couldn’t terminate. The obstetricians used to use the ‘mothers health’ clause for some women who said they would be too distressed or traumatised to continue the pregnancy, for example if the baby had lethal anomalies and wouldn’t survive birth. But the politicians stopped that by saying that the obstetricians weren’t qualified to assess the mothers mental health, and instead declared that to assess whether continuing the pregnancy would cause mental distress the woman had to be examined by two independent perinatal psychiatrists. We don’t have one perinatal psych, let alone 2, so effectively it is a ban on termination for any reason other than an immediate risk to the mothers physical health.

      In my previous job, I ended up sampling tissues that had been removed from children who had been raped and fell pregnsnt-they had to go to England or Scotland, and then to collect DNA for possible criminal proceedings the tissues were brought back to Northern Ireland. Sickening, sadistic, hideously unfair.

      The UN convention on discrimination against women (CEDAW) has just last week produced it’s report in Northern Ireland legislation, and stated that it amounts to cruel and unusual punishment and contravenes human rights. The European Convention on Human Rights came to that conclusion a couple years ago. And yet nothing will change, the ruling will be ignored. CEDAW said it wasn’t an issue for the devolved government of Northern Ireland, it was for the UK government to address, but Teresa May is holding onto power by the smallest margin and only with the backing of the DUP. She won’t do or say anything to upset them in case they stop supporting her. But it’s the DUP that are the bigots behind the legislation in the first place. It’s all awful.

      • Dr Kitty

        Thank you.

        Larkin is…things I can’t bring myself to type.

        If this was about the law he’s have prosecuted Jim Dornan and all the other obstetricians who have openly admitted that they provided terminations in NI for fatal foetal abnormality or emotional distress or rape.
        The fact that he hasn’t is very, very telling.

        The DUP are an example of special interest groups being voted in by an electorate on auto-pilot.

        I can’t see anything changing unless Sinn Fein take their seats in Westminster, people here stop voting Green vs Orange or the DUP stop letting the Free-P tail wag the dog. All of which are as likely as hell freezing over.

        • mabelcruet

          According to Larkin, a termination of pregnancy on the grounds of lethal fetal anomalies is discrimination on the grounds of disability. He stated, on radio, that there was no difference between a termination at 6 weeks and putting a bullet in the brain of a 3 day old baby. He’s a deeply unpleasant, inhumane and bigoted scumbag who uses his own personal beliefs to guide what he does and what cases he takes. He even tried to ban humanist wedding ceremonies for absolutely no other reason than he didn’t approve of them because God wasn’t involved.

      • BeatriceC

        I was thinking of Northern Ireland as I was reading that. I think I need at least 5000 words to express even a summary of my horror at these types of laws.

  • mjd3

    My favorite Crazy Ex song yet, I think!

  • yentavegan

    Happy Purim! And that video is the TRUTH.

    • sdsures

      Happy Purim!

  • Heidi

    I am on the season finale tonight on Netflix. I’m gonna have to resist really hard not to watch it yet.

    • QuincyQT

      I haven’t seen it at all. Now I have something to watch after Jessica Jones!

  • anh

    That show’s entire depiction of childbirth was just absolutely perfect!