Beware Socialized Mail

Russian stamp

Lobbyists for private package delivery services have been wining and dining members of Congress in an effort to undermine support for the US Postal Service.

“It’s an outrage, actually,” declares their spokeswoman Louise Harry. “The US Postal Service is practicing socialized mail delivery.”

A Republican Congressman agrees: “Because of its monstrous size, the Postal Service has an unfair competitive advantage. They can deliver mail from one coast to the other for less than 50¢ per letter. There’s no way that private enterprise can compete with that.”

A Republican Senator concurs and warns, “Socialized mail is just the first step to destroy America as we know it. No one can deny that the US Postal Service has taken choice away from consumers. Can you choose any stamp you want? Oh, no. Every American is forced to use only government-approved stamps to send their letters. It’s an outrage!”

In an effort to fight what it perceives as an unfair competitive disadvantage, private delivery services are rolling out a new program of mail insurance, ChoiceMail. For a flat monthly fee, private delivery services will provide all the mail service you need, subject to a few minor restrictions.

“As the name indicates, we feel that the most important component is choice,” explains Louise Harry. “The consumer will be free to affix any stamp of his choosing, and we will deliver that letter!”

We were able to obtain a copy of the ChoiceMail contract to share with our readers. For a flat monthly fee, ChoiceMail provides unlimited delivery from coast to coast, and you are not required to use only government-approved stamps. You can use any stamp of your choosing. We asked Ms. Harry about the restrictions.

“Yes, ChoiceMail does reserve the right to determine whether your letter needs to go to the address on the label. We’ve found that a consumer may think that a letter should go to Aunt Irma in Oregon, but cross country mail service is expensive. It’s more cost efficient to send the letter to Uncle Ed who lives in the consumer’s own state. If the news is important, he can call Aunt Edna to tell her.”

Ms. Harry emphasizes that ChoiceMail can offer unlimited choice for a flat monthly fee because they do their utmost to control costs. As Ms. Harry explains:

“You might think that you want to send a letter to your old high school friend Billy to tell him about your new baby, but that’s wasteful. After all, you’ll see Billy at the high school reunion next year and you can tell him then. That’s why we check every letter and send only the ones that we feel need to be sent.”

Ms. Harry is particularly proud of ChoiceMail’s most innovative form of cost cutting, charging the mail recipient:

“Sure, Grandma Sue wants you to send a birthday card. It costs her nothing to receive that card, and she benefits from every card she gets. Why should we pay for the consumer to send a card to Grandma Sue? Let Grandma Sue eat the cost if she thinks getting a birthday card is so important.”

Ms. Harry concludes:

“The most important thing is choice. The US Postal Service is socialized mail and it restricts consumers’ choice to government-approved stamps. ChoiceMail allows consumers unlimited choice of stamps. Sure, we might not deliver your letter to the person you specify in the address or we might decide that it doesn’t need to be delivered at all. But you’ll rest easy knowing that you have sent your mail by private enterprise, the patriotic way, the American way.”