Homebirth advocates discover smoking is safe in pregnancy

Hi, folks! Ima Frawde here, everybody’s favorite homebirth advocate, with some surprising news. Homebirth advocates have learned, through a process of deduction and logic, that smoking in pregnancy is both empowering and safe.

How do we know? Let me count the ways.

1. Smoking is natural.

Smoking involves three things: tobacco, fire and breathing. All three are 100% natural. Here’s what Wikipedia says about the research on tobacco:

Tobacco is an agricultural product processed from the leaves of plants in the genus Nicotiana. It can be consumed, … used in some medicines. It is … a valuable cash crop for countries such as Cuba, China and the United States. Tobacco, name for any plant of the genus Nicotiana of the Solanaceae family (nightshade family) and for the product manufactured from the leaf and used in cigars and cigarettes, snuff, and pipe and chewing tobacco.

See, it’s a crop. No different from wheat or rice. Of course you do have to be careful about toxins. That’s why homebirth advocates know that you should only smoke 100% organic tobacco.

Need more scientific data? Try:

Organic Growth Factor Requirements of Tobacco Tissue Cultures
, Physiologia Plantarum, Volume 18, Issue 1, pages 100–127, January 1965

A Revised Medium for Rapid Growth and Bio Assays with Tobacco Tissue Cultures
, Physiologia Plantarum, Volume 15, Issue 3, pages 473–497, July 1962

The complete nucleotide sequence of the tobacco chloroplast genome: its gene organization and expression, EMBO J. 1986 September; 5(9): 2043–2049

That’s three real scientific papers. There are plenty more and when I have time I’ll cut and paste the rest of them for you.

2. Smoking does not harm babies.

All ten of my friends who smoked while pregnant had healthy babies. And, I have read stories on line of fifty other women who smoked and no harm came to any of their babies. Plus, they were empowered by their decision to ignore what their doctor said and do what feels right to them.

3. If smoking were harmful, we wouldn’t be here.

Before that fear mongering Surgeon General’s report on the “dangers” of tobacco published back in the early 1960’s, half of US women smoked while pregnant. Not only are we still here, but the US population has GROWN since that time. According to the CIA World Factbook, the US population has been growing at a rate of 0.883%.

4. If smoking were harmful to an individual baby, his mother would know it.

Strong, fierce mamas have super powerful mama-intuition. If they thought for one minute that their babies were being deprived of oxygen when they smoked, they wouldn’t do it. They don’t take risks with their babies lives. They KNOW that smoking while pregnant is a safe, empowering choice.

5. Guess what my OB said??!! “Smoking leads to abruption, prematurity, low birth weight, and stillbirth.” Yup, like all other obstetricians, he played the dead baby card. Why? Isn’t the answer obvious?

It’s all about the money. Smoking leads to smaller babies who are more likely to be delivered vaginally, thereby depriving obstetricians of the opportunity to do a C-section and ruin a woman’s birth experience. And we all know that obstetricians make only $5 dollars for a vaginal birth and $50,000 for each and every C-section birth extraction.

Doctors have been engaged in a witch hunt against tobacco farmers for the past 50 years. Does that seem fair to you? All those rich doctors ganging up on those dirt poor tobacco farmers all because they resent the economic competition.

6. What about those stories of people who die of lung cancer? First of all, how do we know that they got lung cancer from smoking? Maybe they would have gotten lung cancer anyway even if they had followed their doctor’s advice. Second, plenty of people smoke and don’t get lung cancer. Third, some people never smoke and get lung cancer anyway. See, for example, CYP1A1 and GSTM1 genetic polymorphisms and lung cancer risk in Caucasian non-smokers: a pooled analysis, Carcinogenesis, Volume 24, Issue 5, Pp. 875-882.

So there you have it. Smoking in pregnancy is a safe empowering choice. All you have to do is “trust tobacco.”

Wait. What? Yes, it’s true the the thought process in determining that smoking in pregnancy is safe bears a striking resemblance to my arguments for the safety of homebirth. But we all know that homebirth is safe, so that’s just another reason why we should believe that smoking in pregnancy is safe, too.

There’s no need to thank me for these incredible insights of logic and reasoning. Just show your appreciation by buying a copy of the latest edition of my book, The Spiritual Tobacconist.

  • John

    You’re an ignorant stupid idiot. Posting imbecele blog posts like this is what drives the world backwards. Thanks for contributing to making the world a worse place.

    • You know that this post is satire, yes? She’s mocking the people who endorse dangerous birthing practices under the banner of “trust birth”.

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  • Ben Sonnenhejes

    OK, she smokes, and can’t stop. She fuckin’ stinks, and will die prematurely.

    • Phd one

      The
      trouble is, it is emotional responses like yours and others on here who swallow
      all the propaganda thrown at them, especially on passive smoking. Eating 1 BBQ
      sausage has more toxins in it than someone sharing a small room with a chain
      smoker for 30 days. The trouble is facts have been distorted by both the For
      Smoking and even more so by the ANTI group. With passive smoking the biggest
      survey ever carried out by the WHO found to their horror that the effects were
      not there when it came to passive smoking. However, it is the big drug
      companies who profit from ‘quit smoking’ products, that they know both fail to
      work with any real degree of success and can get people hooked on them instead
      or worst, as well as smoking. These companies have a very powerful lobby group
      over the world political stage. A lot of so called ‘facts’ are in fact anything
      but, and the statistics are being lied about to prove the anti-smokers group. Now
      I am not saying smoking is good for you, but what is needed is non-emotional
      facts about smoking and the real dangers to the individual, others around them
      and on child birth, I find it ironic one of the drugs used in preeclampsia is
      nicotine! Only when the real facts are out should either side say it is safe or
      unsafe and not the ‘tabloid’ science being peddled now.

  • wtf

    Wtf, dumb bitch.

  • Nan

    Wow this article is so disappointing! Every body is different and each preg is different. There is nothing ‘natural’ about setting up your bloodstream to purposely contain poison such as carbon monoxide. Each body and each baby can ‘tolerate’ the poison to varying degrees. Are u an OB? U should be encouraging each woman to be the best version of herself she can be.

    • MikoT

      Nan, you need to pack your computer up and send it back to the store.
      You are too stupid for internet.

    • Gene

      But tobacco is NATURAL! Just like heroin, cocaine, digitalis, aspirin, alcohol….

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