With apologies to Laura Joffe Numeroff.
If you give a homebirth advocate a baby
She’s going to ask if it was born vaginally.
When you tell her the baby was born by C-section
She’ll ask you why.
When you explain that the baby didn’t fit
She’ll blame the pitocin.
Then she’ll insist that the only reason she got an epidural is because the pitocin made the contractions painful.
When you point out that the pitocin was necessary because she was stuck at 7 cm for 4 hours
She’ll declare that would never have happened if she hadn’t been induced.
When you remind her that she was 43 weeks pregnant
She’ll say that babies aren’t library books due on a certain date.
When you clarify that she also had a non-reactive NST and a bad biophysical profile with no amniotic fluid
She’ll insist she was dehydrated.
When you mention that can’t be true because she had lots of IV fluid in an attempt to improve the tracing
She’ll claim that the IV “immobilized” her and that’s why her labor stalled.
Then she’ll declare that you just wanted to ruin her birth experience so you could get to your golf game, even though you don’t golf.
When you point out that the baby was in danger as evidenced by the Apgars of 3 and 7 and the two week NICU stay for meconium aspiration
She’ll declare that the fact that the baby needed a little “jump start” doesn’t prove anything.
When you explain that the most important thing is a healthy baby
She’ll express her disgust at your flawed priorities.
And chances are …
She’s going to want another baby so she can have a healing homebirth!