If you give a homebirth advocate a baby …

With apologies to Laura Joffe Numeroff.


If you give a homebirth advocate a baby
She’s going to ask if it was born vaginally.

When you tell her the baby was born by C-section
She’ll ask you why.

When you explain that the baby didn’t fit
She’ll blame the pitocin.

Then she’ll insist that the only reason she got an epidural is because the pitocin made the contractions painful.


When you point out that the pitocin was necessary because she was stuck at 7 cm for 4 hours
She’ll declare that would never have happened if she hadn’t been induced.

When you remind her that she was 43 weeks pregnant
She’ll say that babies aren’t library books due on a certain date.

When you clarify that she also had a non-reactive NST and a bad biophysical profile with no amniotic fluid
She’ll insist she was dehydrated.

When you mention that can’t be true because she had lots of IV fluid in an attempt to improve the tracing
She’ll claim that the IV “immobilized” her and that’s why her labor stalled.

Then she’ll declare that you just wanted to ruin her birth experience so you could get to your golf game, even though you don’t golf.


When you point out that the baby was in danger as evidenced by the Apgars of 3 and 7 and the two week NICU stay for meconium aspiration
She’ll declare that the fact that the baby needed a little “jump start” doesn’t prove anything.

When you explain that the most important thing is a healthy baby
She’ll express her disgust at your flawed priorities.

And chances are …
She’s going to want another baby so she can have a healing homebirth!

  • Audrey

    wow. that is pretty ignorant. Seeing that our country has such high maternal and infant death rates, and yet use so much more education and money and technology than any other country save china, and yet there are over 42 industrialized nations with better rates. I prefer to give birth the way that God intended and made my body to give birth. Had i given birth to my daughter in a hospital, its very likely i would have died, and her as well. Guess what? i LOVED my homebirth, and HATED my all natural hospital birth. And i gave birth UNASSISTED. oh my. Wanna know whats even better? i am a midwife. Id like to see an OB with rates as good as mine, and clients as happy with their experience as mine. we can cut out all the high risk patients and just focus on the low risk normal ones who are fine going in . Bet my rates are STILL better. Pretty hateful, ignorant stuff. instead of bashing and hating, lets work together to make our maternal care better in this country. Cut out all the unecessary interventions for those who really dont need them, and get proper, comprehensive and complete prenatal care. How about a little repect. And Dignity. And education. Lets let mothers and fathers be in charge of their births. WE are there to help them, not rule over them and push them into things without complete unbiased informed consent. This is why our country and our families are suffering.

    • Amy Tuteur, MD

      “Wanna know whats even better? i am a midwife”

      That’s a pity because you appear to be stunningly ignorant. For example: iinfant mortality is a measure of pediatric care. The correct measure of obstetric care is perinatal mortality and the US has one of the lowest rates in the world.

      • lucy logan

        and our infant mortality rate is high largely because we have the highest rates of inequality in the developed world. inequality and infant mortality go hand in hand.

    • Bombshellrisa

      What rates are you speaking of “I would like to see an OB with rates as good as mine”? If you mean you have a low rate of C-sections, I can believe that. You aren’t qualified to perform them.

    • Box of Salt

      Audrey, “Wanna know whats even better? i am a midwife. . . How about a little repect. ”
      Honestly, Audrey? I’d be more inclined to respect you if you could write a blog comment above the first grade level (disclaimer: I have children in elementary school, and I do read what they write).

      How do you expect me to believe anything you report about your own rates if you are this sloppy?

      • Bombshellrisa

        If this is what is “better” about a midwife, I will pass.

    • Squillo

      Golly, I’m persuaded.

    • Jocelyn

      I know it’s shallow in these types of discussions to comment on grammar or spelling…but really. You expect us to take an argument seriously when most of your sentences begin with lowercase letters, and random words in the middle of your sentences start with capital ones?

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  • Hugs Mom

  • I loved my C sections!! And I love my Children, I thank God everyday… and I loved using baby formula too. So there you narcisistic Homebirthing, Vagina monologuing nazi,s

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