What if we treated erectile dysfunction like we treat breastfeeding difficulties?

Recently Time Magazine asked Is the Medical Community Failing Breastfeeding Moms? In the piece an obstetrician mused on the difference between the way we treat breastfeeding issues (“well-meaning lactation consultants urge them to try harder”) and erectile dysfunction, which got me thinking …

Mr. Jones, so nice to meet you.

Allow me to introduce myself, Ima Frawde, IBCEC. What are the letters for? International Board Certified Ejaculation Consultant, of course. I support men who have ejaculation dysfunction at the low introductory price of $200 per hour. I’m here to help you with your erectile dysfunction.

Examine you? No, I’m not going to examine you. I know what’s wrong without examining you; I learned during my training that so called “erectile dysfunction” is always caused by the man who claims he is suffering from it. Different ejaculation consultants may have different opinions about a variety of issues, but on one thing we are all agreed: there is no such thing as “not enough” erectile function.

Just think about it. If erectile dysfunction were real, the population of the world would have died out long ago and we wouldn’t be here. We’re here, so that proves my point!

What is causing your problem? Well, there are a number of possibilities.

1. You are not trying hard enough.

Some men simply don’t care about giving their wives the best sexual experience possible. Let’s face it, sexual intercourse can be a challenge and most husbands are just too lazy to meet the demands of regular activity. When the going gets tough, they give up and give in, opting for vibrators and other sex toys. Sure their wives may seem satisfied with vibrators, but over time those same wives will experience a decrease in IQ. If you really cared about your wife, Mr. Jones, you’d try harder. Lololol, get it? Try harder?

2. You are deformed, but that’s not an excuse.

Sigh, you have a circumcised penis, and we all know who’s to blame for that. Your ignorant parents never realized that circumcision causes erectile dysfunction. Sure you might not have noticed it for the first 65-70 years of life and it might not have started until after you had your first heart attack and began insulin for diabetes, but it is just as much the cause as if you were circumcised yesterday. Too bad for you.

3. Decreased blood flow? Don’t be silly.

You might have heard that erectile dysfunction can be caused by diseases that decrease blood flow to all organs, not just the penis, but it’s not true. That’s just a lie made up by Big Pharma in an effort to sell Viagra. There is no such thing as “not enough blood flow”! Your body is perfectly designed to have an erection and if you only gave it enough time, everything would be fine.

4. So what if your wife is crying because you can’t have intercourse; she’ll just have to wait.

Erectile dysfunction is a matter of supply and demand. If you don’t try to have sex often enough, you’ll never have enough blood flow. You have to keep trying to have sex over and over and over again each day and eventually there will be enough blood flow for erections on demand.

5. You’re doing it wrong.

Positioning is very, very important to prevent erectile dysfunction. If you held your wife the right way, she’d be able to “latch on” to your penis properly and you would then get an erection. So basically this is all your fault.

Oops, time’s up. You can pay with a check, although cash under the table is always appreciated. I’ll be back later in the week for another session. Just remember what I told you: you are not trying hard enough; you are deformed; there is no such thing as decreased blood flow; your wife is just going to have to deal with her disappointment; and, don’t forget, you are doing it wrong.

What? Of course it is your fault! Stop whining that there’s something wrong just so you have an excuse to stop having intercourse. We all know that is what is really going on.

You feel worse now?

No need to thank me; I’m just doing my job as an IBCEC, International Board Certified Ejaculation Consultant.

 

This piece is satire.

  • sdsures

    I have vaginismus and have never been able to have penetrative sex with my husband. It’s a very slow process in getting things seen to, but the sad fact is that when we first told our doctor that we thought I might have this, he didn’t even know what it was! Luckily, there are support groups with literature online about physical therapy for the vagina that have proven somewhat helpful.

  • Francesca Violi

    ahahah that’s hilarious…:-D Ima Frawd is my favourite! These lazy guys are aways trying to escape their duties… Even if the man had no penis, if he tried hard enough his wife could still have intercourse with his armpits, couldn’t she?

    • sdsures

      #5 is my favourite.

  • Nice blog with interesting topic.

    Premature Climaxing

  • itry2brational

    Just think about it. If foreskin dysfunction were real, the population of the world would have died out long ago and we would’t be here. We’re here, so that proves my point! The foreskin is a normal, functioning part of the male anatomy, it is not a pathology.
    Just think about it. If removing the foreskin protected from HIV in the U.S., it would have died out long ago and it might not be here. HIV is still here, so that proves my point! Circumcision has not reduced HIV.

    • Dr Kitty

      You spend altogether too much time thinking about foreskins.

      • Box of Salt

        itry2brational is obviously not trying hard enough.

      • itry2brational

        Uh, I’m not the one with a blog writing about cutting them.

        • Guesteleh

          This post isn’t about circumcision you idiot. Did you read the post or just do a blog search for circumcision and comment on any post that contained the word?

        • James M. Barber

          no you’re the half educated moron who thinks he could but is too cowardly to try. You instead go on other peoples blogs and attempt to argue as if you know a single thing about the subject of medicine. Its obvious you don’t. What a loser.

      • Trixie

        Itry2obsessaboutforeskins

      • itry2brational

        Reality check: I’m not the one with a blog where I write about cutting foreskins, have written about cutting them for other media outlets and have a group where I’m the most prolific poster about foreskins and/or penises.
        What is the purpose of your comment?

    • Box of Salt

      Did you recently get banned from some of the websites where
      you usually comment? Is that why you are necromancing old threads?

      Your understanding of biology and evolution . . . it’s not
      even wrong – it’s fractally wrong.

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  • Leona james

    This text may be value everyone’s attention. How will I learn more Evander

  • Jodywood

    My husband suffers erectile dysfunction occasionally, which is
    mainly due to his anxiety. He was prescribed 10 mg Filitra. He takes this before 1 hour and he gets a great
    erection which lasts about about 45 minutes. This is great for both of
    us.

    • Certified Hamster Midwife

      Hello, drug spammer!

      • sdsures

        No kidding. An erection lasting that long means ambulance time.

  • breastfeeding is not about the mothers “journey” It is about feeding your child enough so that he doesnt scream all the time.

  • my first son sucked so hard on my breasts that he left blood blisters (hickeys) and I had to give him formula on top of that…he was born one seriously HUNGRY little dude!!

  • SuchAKillJoy

    It was a joke….the same as if you say “You could be talking to a 60 year old pervert!” or “A 40 year old cougar!” the point is over internet you have no clue who is on the other side. So calm yo nipples dude.

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