Extreme homebirth


Poor homebirth advocates!

It’s getting harder and harder to fill their narcissistic need for attention by having a homebirth. Merely boasting to friends and family is certainly not enough.

Live blogging and live tweeting the birth? Ho hum, it’s been done.

Live video transmission? Yawn.

No medical attendants? That’s so 2012!

In order to get attention and stand out from the rest of the narcissitic crazies, you have to be far more creative than ever before.

At a minimum, you have to give birth outside,surrounded by nature, like this.

First you assemble your midwife, doula, and birth photographer (most vital member of the team). Then you quickly run outside to the pool when you are fully dilated and pushing. Finally, you are in the inflatable kiddie pool just like the one used by a prehistoric foremothers. That should make them sit up and take notice.

But let’s face it, outside homebirth has been done a million times.

If you really want attention, you need to change the venue. Any narcissist can give birth in her own backyard. It takes a special narcissist to give birth in the rainforest, like this:

Simone gave birth on a yoga mat with a video camera focused on her vagina, just like thousands of generations before her.

Of course, anyone can give birth in a rain forest. To truly experience birth as Mother Nature intended, you have to give birth along side exotic animals, like these clowns are planning.

Last month, Adam Barringer, 29, and his pregnant wife Heather, 27, boarded a plane for Hawaii. The couple traveled over 4,500 miles in the hopes of welcoming baby Bodhi into the world during a dolphin-assisted birth in Pohoa, Hawaii.


Traveling and living in harmony with the earth is a way of life for this couple.

It’s hard to imagine how you are living “in harmony with the earth” if your massive carbon footprint includes an 11 hour plane flight to Hawaii. Oops, bet they didn’t think about the fact that living in harmony with the earth would involve staying home.

But consider the benefits:

At the institute, the couple will spend time in the water, forming a connection with a dolphin pod they hope will bond with them and ultimately their newborn.

“It is about reconnecting as humans with the dolphins so we can coexist in this world together and learn from one another,” says Heather.

The couple hopes to find this connection during prenatal and postnatal swims with the dolphins.

Because women from Siberia to Nigeria and everywhere in between have bonded with dolphins as preparation for birth, right?

Frankly, I’m unimpressed. These people are wimps.

Anyone can give birth in their backyard on a sunny day or a clear evening. How about giving birth in your backyard during a tornado? I’d watch that.

Anyone can give birth in mild climate like a rainforest. How about giving birth on the summit of Mount Everest? I’d watch that.

Anyone can give birth with measly dolphins, but what about the king of beasts? How about giving birth in a lion’s den? I wouldn’t watch that, but only because the baby or the mother or both would end up as cat food.

Extreme homebirth poses a real problem for me, though. It means that it is getting increasingly difficult for me to parody homebirth advocates because they are so busy parodying themselves.

There is nothing so ludicrous that homebirth advocates can’t dress up as “natural” in effort to fill their desperate need for attention.