I have an announcement:
I’ve decided to start my own school for homebirth midwives. I’m concerned that birth has strayed far from what nature intended and part of the reason is improperly trained midwives. Dr. Amy’s College of Raw, Orgasmic, Totally Crunchy Homebirth (CROTCH) will train a new generation of homebirth midwives with greater respect for the animal process of birth than even Carla Hartley and her ilk could imagine.
The motto at Dr. Amy’s CROTCH is nothing so mealy mouthed as “trust birth.” Our motto is “Worship Birth … or your baby will get autism” and we do that by faithfully imitating the other members of the animal kingdom.
In the first place, the term “homebirth” merely represents the fact that it takes place outside the hospital. Obviously it does not take place at home. Our animal sisters give birth in dens and under dense foliage; therefore, a CROTCH birth takes place in a burrow excavated from dirt by the mother in the days leading up to the birth.
In addition:
At CROTCH, we teach our midwives that birth is not simply orgasmic; it is multi-orgasmic. Study of the female orgasm demonstrates that it is typically accompanied by uterine contractions. Therefore, it only stands to reason that birth as nature intended involves an orgasm with every contraction. We feel sorry for those women who merely have an orgasm at the moment of birth. If they had truly worshiped birth, they would have had hundreds of orgasms.
Obviously, clothes are not natural. In addition to prohibiting hats or clothing of any kind on babies, we at CROTCH impress upon midwives the need for THEM to be naked at birth. Clothes interfere with the midwife’s healing aura.
Privacy, of course, is critical. That’s why the mother must be unattended in her burrow. The naked midwife and the mother’s naked partner must always remain downwind of the birthing mother to prevent her labor from stalling by interference with birthy smells. They cannot approach any closer than 100 yards, regardless of how much the mother screams and begs.
If the midwife can’t approach the mother, how can she monitor the labor? She can’t, and she shouldn’t. Monitoring and vaginal exams are evil. They are based on the hegemonic, patriarchal medical model of birth that presumes all mothers and babies have a right to live. Any homebirth midwife with even minimal training knows that some babies aren’t meant to live and that mothers die in the hospital, too.
Prenatal care is totally unnecessary. Do animals have prenatal care? No, they don’t, and if prenatal care were necessary, they wouldn’t be here now.
The moments after birth are critical for the mother and baby to imprint upon each other. That’s why at CROTCH we teach midwives that mothers must lick their babies clean, and midwives must lick the mother’s perineum clean (unless, of course, she is a contortionist and she can lick her own perineum).
The cord must not be severed. The placenta must be left attached until the cord starts to shrivel. Then the mother must eat the entire placenta and cord just like the Khaleesi in Game of Thrones ate the horse heart. At CROTCH we recognize that dehydrating and encapsulating the placenta destroys the very hormones that prevent postpartum depression. All those placenta encapsulation specialists are pathologizing the placenta and stealing the money of innocent mothers for doing so.
Immediately after birth, the mother must place the baby at her breast … and leave there for the next 7 years.
At CROTCH, we recognize that the key to an empowering, spiritual birth is the Holy Trinity. No, not the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, silly; the Mother, the Baby, and the Midwife, or as we prefer to call it: the motherbabymidwife triad. The mother’s body nurtures the baby; the baby knows how to be born; and the midwife knows how to hold the space in the mother’s bank account, previously held by multiple thousands of dollars.
So look for Dr. Amy’s CROTCH, coming to a website near you, and prepare for an empowering birth (raw, orgasmic and totally crunchy) just as nature intended!
This piece is satire, but I fully expect its tenets to be adopted by birth lunatics as their own in 3 … 2 … 1 …
You never cease to amaze me.
If mother feels threatened – for example grandma says, “Shouldn’t you get the baby checked out with a pediatrician, dear?” – then mom eats her young.
Dr Amy I always licked my babies, last week I licked my neighbors baby and now she is angry, what should I do???
Dr. Amy – It’s really important that the mom lick the baby correctly.
1) You need to lick the face repeatedly to clear fluids.
2) Lick the flanks to increase blood circulation.
3) Lick upward along the spine. This will encourage your baby to stand up so you can more easily clean around the navel.
4)Continue licking your baby for at least 20 minutes to be sure the skin dries correct. Your licking might knock the baby over while it’s walking, but ignore that. They will learn to walk later.
5)Use your head to lead the walking baby to your chest to start nursing. If the baby lines up wrong, just gently headbutt them into position.
This is how my cows do it all the time. Obviously, you can just change details that don’t fit at all – calves have fur that needs to dry and the location of the udder is not similar to the placement of breasts – and it will work for humans. Plus, your baby will walk within minutes of birth.
And don’t forget to wean like animals do. Just get up and walk away. If they can hang on to your nipple, fine; if they fall off, too bad for them.
From my husband:
1: Line the burrow with hair ripped from your head. (Bunnies)
2. Try to kill any other animal or human that gets anywhere near your infant for a few months (Cattle, dogs, lions, cats….you get the idea)
Don’t worry, if your baby is too late – after all, babies are not library books, – there is a good chance they’ll have LOTS of hair to dry correct and long nails to step on, hence walking within SECONDS of birth.
OT again, but THIS: session on GD at ”Trust Birth” conference – with ”Guess Who”:
The Truth About Gestational Diabetes – Joy Jones
Why do some women spill sugar in their urine in pregnancy, and why is this usually a normal event in pregnancy? What are the weaknesses of the GTT? What are the artificial constructs in the medical system which have created the phenomenon called “gestational diabetes”? What does the placenta do which creates higher blood sugars in pregnancy? Hopefully, this session will give you new questions to ask of the current “standard of care”.”
O…M…G
*Shudders*
Glycosuria CAN be physiological in pregnancy (and doctors know that already), which is why other tests are needed.
Few tests are perfect, but until better tests come along you have to use what you have.
GTT is one of these.
I note there is no mention that there is no mention ANYWHERE that GD is a “phenomenon” associated with real increased measurable risks of maternal DM in later life, neonatal hypoglycaemia, macrosomia, Shoulder Dystocia, stillbirth and perinatal death, the baby growing up to be obese or diabetic and placental abruption.
*headdesk*
“Hopefully, this session will give you new excuses to ignore the current standard of care and do exactly as you want.”
There. Fixed it.
Crap like this leads to job security for me…and the parents demanding expensive IV instead of supplementing.
*facepalm*
Totally OT, but I have to post: I’ve just watched a doco about the Orangutan breeding program at Adelaide Zoo – and – devastatingly – a mammal was unable to breast feed, and also had a stillbirth – cord wrapped around neck.
It was so sad to watch – but a female lost several newborns in a row before they discovered that, because of a nipple issue, she was unable to breast feed. Then, tragically, a perfect newborn was born with the cord tightly around its neck, and was found dead shortly after birth.
So much for the innate ability of mammals. So sad.
(For those who can access Australian ABC iview, it’s called “Great Expectations”)
Whenever some nutter says that animals never have problems giving birth or breastfeeding or bonding, I want to mention all the baby animals that have to be bottle fed and raised by zoo keepers or who died because mom rejected them or wasn’t able to nurse them or died or whatever. But I’m always a little afraid that they will then respond that women who have c-sections or formula feed are just like wild animals that have been caged and that none of these things happen in nature, so if they do happen, it’s not natural enough.
Heck, there are domesticated animals, such as housecats and dogs that need c-sections. It’s not a foreign procedure to the veterinary world. And without KMR (Kitten Replacement Milk), or emergency c-sections for pets, these mothers and their young would not survive, either.
I think this is the best piece of satire you have written so far! I think my favorite part is the bit about “the Khaleesi in Game of Thrones.” Not just because of the obvious awesome, but you used the title correctly which just warms my little English major/nerd heart so much.
Dr. Amy, you totally forgot to mention the underwater birth with dolphins and sharks.
Oh that is so yesterday. Real midwives know that mammals don’t give birth in nature in the water.
And doctors have been saying that for years? Really? I’ve never noticed that – but they would though, wouldn’t they? They are negative about anything midwives come up with. I bet they are going to be negative nancys about burrow birthing too.
If they criticize burrow birthing, just delete them so they dont cause all the complications that fear creates.
Ah Dr. Amy! You’re so angry when you’re beautiful. And that was just too beautiful. :-))
Suggestion? Add an additional tag for those divas…er…sorry…doulas who refuse to acknowledge anything even hinting of modern birth procedure. How about something like “Refused Obstetric Training!” You could make it a badge of honor. Then there would be the garden variety CROTCH – plus the much more illustrious CROTCH-ROT designation. There’s a fortune in yoga mat, t-shirt and coffee mug sales just waiting to be made here.
You are my new favorite poster. Brilliant!
I want a t -shirt!!
I just found this post on Dr. Amy’s new visual graphics, and I am rolling on the floor LMAO!!!! Absolutely fabulous!!! The “Crotch-Rot” designation is awesome!!
hehehehe.
OT say you had a pregnant patient who was briefly hospitalized due to sever vomiting, dehydration during early pregnancy. Lets say she is 31 years old and is now 5 days post due. Would you have her take a non stress test? would recommend induction or a non emergency c/sec?
How long should a first time mother at 31 years of age go beyond her due date? would her age and early history of sever morning sickness define her as not being low risk?
Her age and first tri nausea and vomiting don’t change things.
therefore she is otherwise low risk?
Do you think the Duchess should contact Dr. Amy for a consult? 🙂
no. I am just musing with posters more learned than me. I wonder if the Dutchess is going to get negative media attention if she delivers with all the benefits of modern technology.
Probably not as much as she’d get if she forgoes those benefits and the baby dies. People who for some reason think it’s their business will give her lip service no matter what happens. Why anybody cares HOW she gives birth is beyond me. (Not directed at you, BTW, YV)
I’m hoping we never find out the details of her birth experience.
This is encouraging:
http://www.eveningtelegraph.co.uk/life/weird-life/home-secretary-won-t-be-at-royal-birth-1.112949
Rooms full of witnesses used to be required at the conception and birth of royal children, but now we have DNA testing.
At the CONCEPTION? Wow, that’s one reason never to marry into a royal family.
I’m guessing they didn’t have any troubles finding volunteers. That was even before the days of the 8 mm film, internet porn, or even the live sex shows on Bourbon St. Shoot, that’s probably where that “requirement” came from. They had to find some excuse to watch…
No one knows exactly when her due date is. It was never publicly announced. Now there is speculation that her due date is actually not until sometime next week.
NST and BPP should be started IMO. I AM NOT a HCP of any type, just a mom that had lots of NST and BPPs, and who knows stillbirth rates go UP after 40W- and skyrocket after 41.
Hyperemeisis (extreme nausea) only makes you higher risk if you get dehydrated. If its not currently happening, I don’t think it matters.
Not a health care provider, but a recent first time mom, aged 33 at delivery, and gave birth at 41w. I went into labor before I was induced, which would have happened at 41w, and I had two NSTs and a BPP during the previous week. Definitely thought it was a good idea — and in my particular case, it was reassuring as there was lots of amniotic fluid and a placenta that was in relatively good shape.
I bet if you cleaned this up, and took out Dr Amys name and the other obvious funny parts, then posted as your birth plan, others would copy you. And think you are awesome!
I’m not sure I’d have to take out the funny parts. I find what Carla Hartley and Gloria Lemay write to be absolutely hilarious.
Too true!
Gloria’s website is unbelievable… I think it’s endlessly entertaining. Hard to believe anyone takes it seriously…
Gloria Lemay’s illustrations that go along with the drivel she writes have made me laugh. The one about how elephants don’t give birth laying down sounds a bit like those AT&T commercials where the guy asks children a question
http://youtu.be/F0FL1AzCAJ8
hehe
Hey, Orthodox here! (an ateist, actually but hey, who cares). We believe in ranging the three faces of the Holy Trinity by their importance. Hereby I have to insist that you change the name of the triad to midwifemotherbaby IMMEDIATELY!
And you know, Arians once said that the Son was created by the Father, so he could not be his equal. Again, baby should be placed last.
My dad was raised Unitarian (Well actually it was a mix of Unitarian/Christian Science but mostly Unitarian because of my diabetic uncle). They don’t believe in the trinity at all (hence why it call Unitarian). It’s just God and Jesus was regulated to profit status. Or at least that how it was until the 60s or 70s and it was watered down to the UUs of today.
There are still Unitarian Christian churches, that are not UU.
UU takes the Unitarian and adds Universalist, which is what I am 🙂
True but they are not many. I remember my Grandfather always saying “I am a Unitarian (no trinity) and I am a Universalist (everyone goes to heaven) but I am not a Unitarian Universalist.
Hey, thanks for this bit of information, I didn’t know these details about UU.
Awesome satire!!
The holy trinity is actually the motherbabyplacenta unit!
I’ve wondered about this. Since my children are twins, and they were monochorionic, they had only the one placenta between them. So, was it like a triplet for both of them, or was one of them cheated out of a placental twin-spirit-guide through the fetal journey?
How would you have handled a lotus birth? Dear FSM, I wonder if there’s a mother out there who has actually attempted a lotus birth with monochorionic twins?
Now that you have said it, somebody will want to be the first.
As long as they give me credit! Actually… nah, I don’t want my name attached to that.
Good question….I guess I could have put them in one of those older model strollers from the 70s or 80s that were pretty wide, so both babies could fit in there side by side, and squish the placenta in there with them. When I took them out, I used a double snap-n-go, so they were pretty far apart…that never would have worked.
Thank you for the hilariously awful mental image.
I want a badge that says “I’m a proud member of CROTCH!”
Attend, and you will get a diploma to show that you graduated from CROTCH.
Do I also get a CROTCH badge? Because I want to be able to flash my CROTCH…badge.
You get a CROTCH diploma and you get to append the initials CROTCH to your name.
Hmm, maybe the acronym would actually improve it for some people. I can see it now, Placenta (Rowan) Bailey, CPM, CROTCH graduate, NARM. Has a nice authentic ring to it.
That’ll work!
And you can pin it on the crotch of your pants too!
Gross!! Hahahahaha! The Khaleesi ate the horse heart, so the baby would have the attributes of a stallion, no? So, eating the placenta/cord post-baby would be setting up the NEXT baby to be fit to survive a natural birth? Or did she eat it because to show she was part of the clan? It’s been a while since I read that book…..
I like the part where the mother digs her own burrow. After all, there is often talk about “nesting” when a woman is about to become a mother.
She ate it because she was expected to, and not doing so would have dishonored Khal Drogo. I’m 100 pages from the end of the first book and about ready to scream.
Was it during the wedding, or when she was pregnant? I’ve finished Book 5, anxiously awaiting Book 6 but there are so many characters and details, I don’t remember a lot of it. I’m probably going to have to re-read the whole series at some point.
When she was pregnant. And she actually ate the whole thing, I think. Alas, it was all for nothing.
I am anxiously waiting The Princess and the Queen in December. It’s about Rhaenyra, the claimant queen who was fed to a dragon. At first, I thought it was all of her but it turned out there were some… remains.
Is that the 6th one? Or is it like an “untold tale” spin off thing? Ugh…could you imagine if we actually had to eat gross things to gain various attributes for our young? Want your baby to have good vision? Eat these fish eyes! Want your baby to have the gift of flight? Eat these bat wings! How about a smart kid who gets into Harvard? Well, brains of course, but whose brains? Dolphins are pretty smart and less chance of prion diseases….All part of the magical thinking,no?
Wishful thinking, I call it. Einstein brain would have been perfect. Imagine the line of mums waiting for a bite.
It’s more of a side story from the times Targaryens still sat the ugly iron chair. At first, the expectations were that it would be another Dunk and Egg story but it turned out the story of the original Dance of the Dragons.
Haven’t read the Dunk and Egg stories? They are a must read! Besides, they are linked quite closely to the fifth book.
OOH, no I haven’t! Will add to my list, thanks!
Happy to help a fellow fan! Start with The Hedge Knight. Actually, maybe you’d like to… err… steal if from the net since it’s a novella in an anthology with other authors and last time I checked, the whole thing cost more than 30 dollars.
My GP (as in the GP I see myself when I am unwell) is also the GP where most of the GoT cast register as patients when they are filming in Northern Ireland.
I have yet, sadly, to see anyone exciting in the waiting room.
You might have seen someone exciting without knowing it.
I imagine these people employ beauticians who are much more adept with makeup than I am. Just yesterday, I boasted here that I’ve finally learned to apply liquid eyeliner to the corners of my eyes. The sad thing is that considering my skills, it’s absolutely worth boasting about.
Of course, we don’t wish for anyone exciting to get unwell but still…
I wonder what we would have to eat for a well-endowed male? Bull testicles, maybe?
Yukes! I was eating here, you…
Now, the next question is: what do we eat for a fertile girl child?
Actually no, I don’t think I want to know just yet…
When she was pregnant- IIRC, that’s also when he was given his name and was predicted to be The Stallion Who Mounts the World.
Since I’m already this irate near the end of book 1, I can’t imagine how pissed off I’ll be by book 6… although thanks to Facebook memes regarding the TV series, I already have an idea what’s in store. If I’m not on here or the Fed Up page for a week or two, it probably means I’ve reached that part and I’m curled up in a ball crying.
OK, fellow irate reader, I’ll give you the warning this series should come with: beware, it’s probably the most realistic fantasy series in existence. And GRRM isn’t afraid to kill off his main characters, reducing me to tears.
I should have given you the warning much earlier but I didn’t know you were one of the victims of the series as well.
I, on the other hand, was lucky. I got the Hedge Knight first (it got translated here before the main series), so I walked into it with my eyes wide open.
I am so addicted to the series that I write fanfics when I have the time. For real.
Considering the type of series it is, and considering how many books there are already, I fully expected some main characters to be killed off… I just wasn’t expecting it so soon! I figured everyone would at least survive to book 2. Alas, this morning was a sad morning for me… Joff is a douchebag.
We totally just derailed this thread, didn’t we? 🙂
It was Dr Amy who started it! Not our fault!
I watched the TV series before I started on the books. I still haven’t recovered from the second to last episode of season three. And I was only just getting over that shocker from season one.
One nice thing about GOT, GRRM has the genealogy of all of the major families. Really read them – a large number of the women died in childbirth!
… with the mother of our favourite Kingslayer and the Bad Queen, first of all! Nature is such a bitch – Joanna underwent a first pregnancy that happened to be twin and by default risky and gave birth as easily as a breeze and then died giving birth to a dwarf. Anyone else thinking that if there was any logic involved, a dwarf shouldn’t be too big for a non-dwarf mother to push out?
And Jon Arryn’s first wife died in childbirth, as well as many Frey wives (not all, but several). The appendices also lists the many babes who were stillborn or died very young.
Poor Joanna! Her death definitely came with a price for all three of her kids. She may have delivered him just fine, but hemorrhaged or came down with puerperal fever, hence the baby lived while she did not.
Maybe he was breech, and tore her up and she bled to death? They never did explain that in detail, but since death in childbirth was/is so common, I don’t think too many would dwell on it for long.
Dwarfs often have larger than normal heads. Smaller body but bigger head, so might be more difficult to give birth to than a non-dwarf child.
Thanks, I didn’t know that. But you know what? I bet GRRM didn’t know it either. He says he isn’t a genetic expert. I find it very telling that he did know that in good old days women died in birth in droves, though.
My husband and I are Game of Throne fans-because we stumbled onto the series but we want to compare and contrast the books as well. From what I remember, the Khaleesi had a natural birth and one of the minor characters practiced AP complete with extended breastfeeding.
And her kid wasn’t super-duper extra healthy either! As the book Cat thought, her ‘baby’, half this boy’s years, was five times more energetic and curious.
Lysa was certainly not APing right.
I think the problem was the lack of baby slings.
Of course! I wondered…
By the way, I’ve enjoyed Game of Thrones to some extent but the books are much better. You’ll enjoy them, I promise. If not, you can sue me. GCC will lend you her amazing lawyer(s), I’m sure!
I understand that the series scratches the surface-I think I am going to enjoy the books!
I just finished the first book last night, I can’t wait to begin the second one, as soon as my monsters give me five minutes alone.
Haha, it turned out there’s more than one interest uniting many of the people on this board.
The second book is my second favourite. My absolute number one is book three!
I have a feeling it’s going to take forever to get through the books here-my husband reads book aloud to me. I love to read on my own, but a book like that I want him reading TO ME, he makes the details come alive.
This curriculum sounds womb-derful, but I am afraid I will not be attending: It appears to led by a doctor.
It is ok. A doctor that buys the woo is held in higher esteem than anyone else. Hence the respect given to Dr Sarah Buckley (despite the fact she has not practised in years – something apparently fatal to Dr Amy’s credibility) and Dr Biter and Dr Fischbein (despite their misdeeds). The NCBers all hate on doctors until one of them says what they like then suddenly they are the font of all wisdom. In fact these doctors are oppressed by the medical establishment for their brave stand against obstetric patriarchal dominance.
omg please tell me where i can buy all of your books and products because i am just itching to give you all of my $$$!!!
I posted the picture, I’m not sure why it’s showing up as Guest… unless Disqus has the hiccups again.
You forgot directions to the midwife/mother in the event of maternal or infant death. May I suggest the following – if mother emerges with an infant born sleeping disparage her for having failed her child and direct her to offer her child to nature by burying it near the maternal home in compostable materials and planting a tree near the remains to feed. If the mother has passed but the child is alive, the midwife should enter the birthing den and retrieve the baby and placenta and the baby should be given to another lactating mother (breastfeeding IS so important, not even donor milk that is bottle fed is an appropriate substitute) – perhaps a former client whose baby did not survive would be suitable, provided she is willing to consume the deceased mother’s placenta. The mother should be buried in compostable materials and a tree should be planted to honor her life force. If both are dead – they should be buried together in compostable materials and a pair of trees should be planted.
You should also provide a course on evading accountability….
Wait, did you forget that some mammals eat their baby’s poop, too?
I am trying to figure out the nursing part. There has to be some room for feeding the baby regurgitated food, too, like birds do.
Perhaps Alicia Silverstone can teach a class on this?
Regurgitated food should be started only when baby is showing all the readiness signs, which include reaching the age of 6 months.
Silly, you do the bird regurgitated food maneuver after you’ve weaned your 2nd grader from the breast…but no sooner than at 7 years of age!
I want to be a part of Dr. Amy’s CROTCH!
Giving birth in a burrow. Wait till someone latches on to that one. Lol.
Why stop with birth? You could educate surgeons to assist their patients in chewing off their own damaged limbs, or teach men how to deal with anger by killing off the other males in their circles and impregnating all the remaining females. And dont get me started on how you could revolutionize geriatric care using Nature as your guide. (Ok now I’m making myself sick.)
I think I love your crotch. Pmsl.
I think I just wet myself laughing. (But that’s a good thing.) Bravo.
I needed this laugh as I started day 3 of a stretch of shifts at work.
Like!
Oh goodness, that made me laugh!
Love it!
“All those placenta encapsulation specialists are pathologizing the placenta and stealing the money of innocent mothers for doing so.”
HA!