Because, really, who wouldn’t want to have sex right after giving birth?

lot of laugh, lol abbreviation

It is almost impossible to parody homebirth advocates because they are so busy parodying themselves.

Case in point, the latest masterpiece from Serge Bielanko, 5 Reasons I’m Excited About Our Home Birth.

You may remember Serge. He’s the guy who apparently thinks it’s simply hilarious that people are warning him about the increased rate of death and brain injury at homebirth.

What words of wisdom does Serge have for us this time? He shares his top 5 reasons for looking forward to his wife’s upcoming homebirth. Amazingly, meeting the baby isn’t on his list.

That’s not really surprising when you consider that homebirth isn’t about the baby and it isn’t even about birth. It’s about parents and their self-image. The baby might live, the baby might die, but that’s not what’s important. Serge and his wife want you to know that they are crunchy hipsters, daringly transgressive and oh, so, sexy.

The piece is howlingly funny, albeit unintentionally. What are the 5 things that Serge is looking forward to that give meaning to risking his baby’s life for nothing more important than bragging rights.

1. Anyway She Wants It: I love the fact that, after a long and arduous pregnancy, my wife, Monica, will be able to not only experience a natural labor unlike she experienced with the medically-induced births of our other two kids, but she’ll also be able to direct the show, so to speak.

Because, as we know, homebirth is a piece of performance art with the mother as the star and the baby as a prop.

2. The Vibe: Obviously, most hospitals will allow you to keep the blinds shut in the room when you’re in there to have a baby. And if you want them raised wide open, well, they’re typically OK with that, too. But beyond those kinds of things, you don’t always have the liberty to control the vibe in a hospital delivery room.

Is this fool for real? The vibe?

Candles, music, dark intimate rooms … man, the way we are looking at our home birth is such a turn-on that we could very possibly end up having another baby precisely nine months to the day after this one arrives, if you know what I’m saying.

Because, really, what woman wouldn’t want to have sex right after giving birth?

3. Less is More: … But, after two birth experiences in hospitals, I believe I can honestly say that the circus-like atmosphere that occurs in a lot delivery rooms can be a real turn-off, and maybe even an impediment, for a woman in labor. There is nothing peaceful or tranquil about it, really. There are people coming in and out all of the time, and the notion of being alone with your thoughts and your energy and the one or two people you love and trust and want to share the birth with, all of that is blown to bits by the constant barrage of monitoring nurses and physicians and other assorted absolute strangers.

Serge, let me tell you a secret. When your baby’s life is at risk, and it’s at risk in any birth, less may be NOT ENOUGH!

And you know what could really blow your thoughts and your energy to bits? Raising a brain injured child who can’t walk, talk and play like the other kids because you and your wife were more interested in your “thoughts and energy” than whether the baby’s brain got enough oxygen.

4. Connection: I’m sure it isn’t the first thing on anyone’s mind when they think about having a baby and all, but truth be told, the actual labor and arrival of a child into this world is a magnificent opportunity for the two people who created him or her to cash in on the kind of bonding that happens across the course of that special day, maybe even across just a few hours, but that perseveres and lasts for the rest of a lifetime.

Serge, this is obviously going to come as a major shock to you, but strong emotional bonds don’t require privacy. When my husband kissed me under the marriage canopy more than 30 years ago, our bond was immeasurably strengthened, not despite the presence of more than a hundred guests, but because we were celebrating our emotional bond in front of the world.

I’m must admit I am really beginning to feel sorry for homebirth advocates. They are so limited in their ability to bond with their own babies that something as trivial as having an epidural impacts their bonding. In contrast, I and most of the other parents I know have a bond of love with their children that is so strong that even our own deaths won’t break it.

5. Wine: Before you hasten to judge me on this one, let me just say two things.

First off, the wine is for me, the dad, a guy who seriously loves his kids and his wife and is ultra-excited to welcome a baby into this world in the same old and ancient way that he likes to welcome all sorts of good things into his life: with a glass or two of Rioja or Cabernet Sauvignon.

Secondly, if, by chance,you are the type of person who kind of steps back in horror at the mere mention or idea of someone sipping an adult beverage while a baby is being born, let me just say this much.

Go to the hospital.

That’s the way they do things over there; no mood lighting, no serenity, no intimacy, and no wine.

Oh, the horror!!

Serge, here’s a little unsolicited advice: GROW UP!

Giving birth is not about you, it’s about the baby.

Being the parent means putting the life (and brain function) of your child AHEAD of your immature fantasies of creating the perfect performance (and, apparently, having sex immediately thereafter). Get a grip! You’re not transgressive; you’re not hip; you’re not educated. You’re selfish and self-absorbed, boasting about acting like a fool.

And that’s a shame. You are about to participate in a wondrous event and the sad thing is that you are so busy worry about yourself, how you look, how you feel, whether or not everything is exactly to your liking that you can’t appreciated the miracle that is the BABY!

You remember the baby, right?

Or maybe you don’t.

224 Responses to “Because, really, who wouldn’t want to have sex right after giving birth?”

  1. Amy Tuteur, MD
    March 29, 2014 at 1:16 am #

  2. Violette
    February 2, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

    “You remember the baby, right?”

    And the mother? Your wife? He remembers her too, right? Or is she just laboring over a dark corner with good vibes enjoying the ambience of the place and the experience? Seriously, I get husbands finding their pregnant wives sexy, but he knows this isn’t a walk in the park, they’ve already had two children.

    I only understand the desire to have the safest pregnancy and delivery possible for myself and my child. I don’t care about the mood music or the lighting. Geez. I just want to be healthy with a healthy baby. Hopefully with as little agony and terror as possible.

  3. deafgimp
    January 30, 2014 at 2:45 pm #

    Pish posh. If he were really into home birth, he’d have sex during birth like this couple did. Home birth with twins something like 12 hours apart. One twin was out, they felt that some orgasms and semen would encourage the labor to continue as it had stalled. Sadly, it was just oral sex and semen deposition, not penis-in-vagina sex with a cord hanging out.

    • Violette
      February 2, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

      Ummm…most hospital birthing centers my sisters have used had options such as birthing tubs, keeping the baby with you (although…honestly, I can’t imagine not wanting to just get a few more hours of uninterrupted rest), etc. I feel like she didn’t look into very many hospitals…

      Also…any type of sex mid-birth/immediately post birth…I don’t really see how one could be in the mood…how very granola. Props?

  4. Bombshellrisa
    January 29, 2014 at 9:18 pm #

    Hmm, my son’s birth two weeks ago felt serene, despite the fact I came in dilated to nine, had no idea I was in labor (labor with dd felt completely different) and the fact that I was delivering at 35w5d and had quite a few people coming into my room introducing themselves all at once so I would know who was going to be evaluating and treating ds. I labored with a wonderful, compassionate nurse and the hospitalist who I had met a couple days earlier while being checked into triage for a blood pressure check. I could drink whatever I wanted (gimme that ice cold cranberry juice and keep it coming!), listen to music or have an in demand movie or tv show (I chose Moonrise Kingdom) and the lights were not obnoxious. There was a beautiful picture of a lily pad in a fountain to focus on. I labored down a bit and was able to push as I felt ready. The monitor I had on made sure that my baby was doing ok and I never felt rushed or pressured. My husband was there, soothing me with his cool hands and calm voice (no wine on board). When my son was born and they put him on my chest, I can’t describe how amazing it was to hear him scream and have him look into my eyes. Being at home would not have made that moment more special. The room did fill up with people then, people who were there to make sure he was ok. My only slight lament: I didn’t get to sit in the gigantic soaker tub. It was the most gorgeous tub ever. Oh well.

    • February 4, 2014 at 4:04 pm #

      That sounds absolutely wonderful. Congratulations on the new arrival and great experience 🙂

  5. MamaBear
    January 29, 2014 at 8:39 pm #

    Does anyone else get the feeling Serge is a sex addict and alcoholic?

    • anion
      January 29, 2014 at 9:06 pm #

      Nah. Those two are just obsessed with making sure the whole world constantly hears about their great love and how much sex they have and how hot it is and how they just have this great sexy love with lots of sex and oh, wait, did they mention how theirs is one of the greatest loves ever loved and how much in love they are, especially when they have tons of very sexy sex, which they do all the time because they’re very sexy people who are so hugely in love? And DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER WITH ALL THE SEX? Because that’s really important, y’all, you need to know that you’re witnessing a love story greater than any ever told before, especially because they’re supersexy so they sex it up all the time.

      The early parts of their great love story, btw, include internet stalking, harassment, and sockpuppetry, with some “let’s involve total strangers who don’t know or care who we are in our drama” mixed in for extra junior-high ambience. And then the inevitable “Delete it! Delete everything I wrote!” panic to hide their actions.

  6. wookie130
    January 29, 2014 at 6:02 pm #

    First off, try to have sex with me directly after a vaginal birth, and see what happens. You will NEED that wine, and a lot of it, to forget the agony of castration.

    • jenny
      January 29, 2014 at 10:33 pm #

      Hey, no wine for castration. Do it natural. Breathe deep and imagine a pat of butter melting on your belly. Visualize your wang dropping off like the petals off of a rose.

      • Mishimoo
        January 29, 2014 at 10:37 pm #

        The bricks are stone, just like your will. You are a warrior, you can breathe and meditate through this.

  7. Allie
    January 29, 2014 at 9:36 am #

    My hospital birth was quite intimate. It was just the midwife, obstetrical nurse, doula and my husband for 90% of the time. Just before the baby finally came out, two pediatricians arrived (a senior and a trainee) to check the baby because I had meconium in my waters. They set up their station in the corner and were completely unobtrusive. Not to mention that senior took one look at the baby, saw that she was fine and waved her back to me to be placed on my chest. They waited around and checked her out after we’d had a chance to have some skin-to-skin time. And I was too absorbed with my baby to notice the two obstetricians (a senior and a trainee) who came in to sew up my arterial bleed! and perineum. I would have bled to death had I tried to give birth at home. In short, there was no “circus” until a life-threatening complication actually arose, and it saved my life. Oh, and my friend brought us cocktail fixings after the birth (as sort of a gag since I always said the first thing I wanted after I gave birth was a drink), although we were too excited/drained/ecstatic/etc. to drink.

    • Squillo
      January 29, 2014 at 12:00 pm #

      I saw, probably, a total of five or six different people during each of my labors. There were two attendants in the room each time when I was pushing (OB/CNM and nurse), which doesn’t seem much different from most attended homebirths.

      Of course, with my first, the CNM called for help for a shoulder dystocia, and there were suddenly lots of people in the room, all of whom were experts in and focused on resuscitating my son. I’m grateful for every single stranger that came through the door that night, even if it turned out they weren’t necessary (the CNM and nurse got him out quickly, and he only needed a little blow-by.)

      As with interventions, I’d rather have too many people and not need them than have too few when they’re needed.

        January 29, 2014 at 8:15 pm #

        I’ve had “circus” births, in excess of twenty people in the room for both (a number of them students). Quite a few of them took turns reaching inside of my body to assist my babies (that is deeply intimate ;)) . I didn’t feel anything but love and gratitude for all of those people, even the seemingly redundant ones. I don’t know that I have ever felt such a “positive vibe”. The first time I did not integrate or accept the wonder of giving birth in a hospital, being enabled to deliver a baby that in many other places or times would not have survived, nor would have I. The second time I was keenly aware how privileged and special this was, to be cared for, to be helped. I transcended me or any false sense of accomplishment I might have had otherwise. I am a spiritual person and I value the quality of experiences and I can honestly say I would not trade those healthy, beautiful, successful deliveries for some contrived attempt at “intimacy” or “naturalism”.

  8. Lisa from NY
    January 29, 2014 at 12:35 am #

    Re: Wine

    If you drink enough wine, you’ll forget about the baby.

    • Maya Markova
      January 29, 2014 at 1:59 am #

      Could anyone explain me how the wife’s hospital birth could prevent the husband from drinking wine?

      Possibly he wished to attend the birth and drink right there?

      • Amy
        January 29, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

        My older child was born at the end of December, so we were in the hospital on New Years’ Eve. The hospital asked us if we wanted a delivery of a bottle of champagne to ring in the new year.

  9. Courtney84
    January 28, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

    RE : bonding
    I’m going to be brutally honest, because the interwebs are anonymous-ish. I don’t remember the birth of my son. Don’t remember. I have a single image of him (seen in double) being lifted over the curtain. That’s it. I’ve seen the photos of my doctor standing by my head with my son; I’ve sent he pictures of my husband with our son… I don’t remember it. Despite not remembering the birth, I haven’t felt there’s been a bonding problem.

    My love for him is immeasurable. I’d do anything for him… I guess that’s how I ended up in the position of not remembering his birth. I cared more about getting him out and keeping us healthy, than I cared about some earthy experience.

    • Houston Mom
      January 28, 2014 at 10:01 pm #

      I don’t remember much either. The last thing I was aware of was barfing on the anesthesiologist while the OB was tugging my son out. I’ve had no problems bonding either. I have friends who recently finalized the adoption of their foster daughter. I know their love for that child is as fierce as mine for my son. They weren’t even present for her birth. All this emphasis on one day is baffling.

      • Jessica S.
        January 28, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

        Going into my c-section, I was more worried about throwing up than anything else. I’m pregnant with our second and still, the thing I’m dreading most is the barfing. Is that weird? Oh well.

        • KarenJJ
          January 28, 2014 at 11:42 pm #

          I proved that I was a champion chucker after a laparoscopy (my first ever general anaesthetic, I ended up back in hospital on a drip over night). I had the same anaesthetist for IVF egg retrieval and both c-sections and I think he started sticking in a heap of anti-nausea medication into my IV after that. I’m heading for a new laparoscopy shortly and my new gyn has given me the number of the new anaesthetist to let him know about it. Definitely talk to the anaesthetist if you can.

        • Antigonos CNM
          January 29, 2014 at 3:25 am #

          We’re used to it; don’t let it stress you out.

        • thepragmatist
          January 29, 2014 at 5:37 am #

          I was afraid of that too, and you know, they’re really good at avoiding it. I thought for sure I was going to throw up (I think my blood pressure must have dropped from the spinal or something) and I looked at the anesthetist with “that look” I suppose, because he asked me and all I could do was nod. In two seconds buddy put something in my IV and that was that for the feelings of nausea. Oh, how I love you, modern medicine. Give it all to MEEEEEE! Ha.

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 29, 2014 at 9:18 am #

          Tell the anesthesiologist about your concerns. They can help you out.

        • VeritasLiberat
          January 29, 2014 at 10:33 am #

          Definitely tell the anesthesiologist. I threw up spectacularly with #1 (but it seemed really funny, like lots of things seem ridiculous when you’re keyed up and have had no sleep). I told the anesthesiologist this with #2 and bingo, no barfing.

          • Jessica S.
            January 29, 2014 at 12:33 pm #

            Thanks, to all of you that responded! I had no idea there could be something they could do. I’ll definitely mention it ahead of time.

        • Bombshellrisa
          January 29, 2014 at 9:21 pm #

          I don’t think so. I was terrified I would vomit and poop again during labor.

    • KarenJJ
      January 28, 2014 at 10:41 pm #

      Skin to skin after one c-section, not the other (he went on oxygen for 24 hours and then to nursery for observation for another 12 hours when I was too ill to care for him). Breastfeeding for one baby, not the other. It has made no difference to how I feel about my children. Absolutely none. They’re now preschoolers and that saying about them being a piece of my heart that is walking around outside of me is very true for me.

      • anion
        January 29, 2014 at 5:17 am #

        I read a quote once from–of all people–Celine Dion, that never fails to make my eyes sting. The quote is, “When you have a baby it’s like you grow an extra piece of your heart…and that piece is always crying.”

        *wipes eyes*

        • araikwao
          January 29, 2014 at 5:28 am #

          Well, she’ll never get employed by Hallmark..

        • thepragmatist
          January 29, 2014 at 5:35 am #

          And barfing or wiping snot on you. She forgot that part.

      • Busbus
        January 29, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

        And another anecdote: I breastfed my first child around the clock when she was little, and didn’t wean until she was over 2. But I’ve used formula with my son since 3-4 months and am currently only breastfeeding at night and planning to wean soon-ish (he’s 8 months). I love him fiercely. When I started bottle-feeding him, I was truly surprised how much bottle-feeding him felt the same as breastfeeding did with my oldest (breastfeeding my son had always been much more difficult). With the bottle (but not nursing), we suddenly got the long gazes, kissing his fingers and all the other little sweetnesses of feeding a baby. And why exactly did that surprise me?? I guess I bought all that breastfeeding=bonding BS more than I thought I did. Well, it has nothing to do with boobs, and everything with doing something that is sweet and enjoyable for *both* parties. Go figure. 🙂

    • sarah
      January 29, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

      Yup. I chose to have a c-section and I was pretty high on xanax throughout due to my fear of needles. When I first heard the baby cry I didn’t realise it was ours – I didn’t realise they’d actually started the surgery. I have a vague memory of a crying baby being brought over to me for a kiss and then whisked away. I only held her for the first time about 7-8 hours later. I formula-fed from day 1 and had no rooming in. And YET, I can honestly say that the birth was the most emotional and positive experience of my life. And I totally fell in love instantly with my little sweetie staring into her big blue gorgeous eyes while BOTTLE FEEDING her. And 6 mths later I’m still totally in love with her. So yeah, I think that the typical list of crunchy things you MUST do in order to bond is totally irrelevant, at least for me. I think that probably most affects bonding is the mother’s emotional state – i.e. it’s basically a product of your expectations – it’s all in your head. I wanted a c-section, I got it, so I was happy. I didn’t come in with any presumptions that I HAVE to do certain things in order to bond. On the other hand, if someone wants a natural vb, swimming with the dolphins or is convinced that immediate skin-to-skin is essential for bonding and then doesn’t get those things, then I can understand why she might feel that she’s not able to bond.

    • Unplanned C-section
      January 29, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

      It doesn’t matter that you don’t remember because he was just fine! I absolutely agree.

      I remember many details of my daughter’s birth, and I’m thankful that I endured the woo tales and dismissed them, and went to the hospital. I still desperately wanted a natural childbirth but not for the reasons of the woo clan. Earlier in my life I had an emergency catheter placed before the pain relief could work, and through a series of unfortunate circumstances, had several secondary infections and an extra week in the hospital and visits from disease control specialists. Getting anything extra put into my body has paralyzed me with fear since–so an epidural with a catheter was not on my list! I can understand people’s reluctance. Yet, I still don’t understand their sheer stupidity and belief that positive thinking somehow makes woman and baby invincible. Because that’s what it is and all it is.

      I had a perfect pregnancy until 40 weeks. I’m a lean, strong athlete and ran until 7 months in. We were ready to induce, but the hospital and insurance wanted us to wait until 41 weeks. After 19 hours of labor at 9cm, I begged for a c-section because I had nothing left and because even in that state my husband and I could hear and see the ticker tape and the beeping changing for our daughter’s heart rate, every time there was a contraction. The CNM at the hospital said several times she didn’t want me to change my mind since I had already gone so far, and “repositioning could fix it” despite my husband and I asking her to get our ob. Finally, I lost all patience and began to yell at her in a weak voice, that my husband amplified, and we told her to get out and to not come back unless she came back with my ob. I think my husband suggested we’d find someone in the hallway if she wasn’t back in 10.

      My ob arrived quickly. 30 minutes later, my daughter was born via c-section, and she was not breathing. She was blue. The ped went to work and saved her. She went to the Nicu and both of us were pumped full of antibiotics. My ob upon entering the room discovered I had also had a raging fever. To this day we still don’t recall why this occurred even though I know they told us. We spent days in a fog of relief and drunk with joy looking at her and simply not really hearing any explanations about the moments before she breathed because we were too fascinated and relieved with the life now in our hands.

      In the days since in moments feeding her, my mind would wander to those moments. It would replay her not breathing for a minute and a half and wondering what the rest of her life would be like, and if she was going to have one. I can still remember the anesthelogist initially trying to comfort me, telling me that you don’t want them to breathe right away with a c-section, in case they inhaled fluids. Then all I heard was the dead quiet in the room while we waited and waited, and I watched the second hand on the clock go around with quiet tears running down my face. I will never forget when I heard her cry and everyone cheered and several of the nurses thanked their deity. She had a great five minute Apgar. She has a great life right now and speaks two languages already. She climbs and runs and laughs with joy.

      And I know a woo member will say–see that happened in a hospital with interventions–. I imagine what would have happened if I had been stuck at home with a caregiver who wouldn’t listen to me, and wasn’t monitoring my baby. I’d be dead, my baby would be dead. Every time I hear a nutjob go on about their awesome homebirth experience and how much better they are than sensible people, I am ready to sucker punch them and point out what little a-holes they are. Instead I tell them to get a life.

      i go back and forth between wondering if it would be better, in that case, not to remember the first moments of my daughter’s life–it was hell. My ob told me I should bring it up when she is a naughty teenager and guilt trip her into obedience…

      • Karen in SC
        January 29, 2014 at 8:34 pm #

        The birth stories from our commenters always make me tear up a little. Bravo, ladies!

      • Mol
        February 1, 2014 at 6:42 pm #

        This probably won’t get read, but what a gorgeous comment. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom with her head on so straight and with such love for her. I hope to have an experience like the end of yours one day – the peace and love – as I lost a 20 week pregnancy this year and my hospital experience was nothing short of horrific. One day I hope that will be erased or re-imagined. (It wasn’t wholly the medical system, just my situation.) Congrats on the little one!

        • Young CC Prof
          February 1, 2014 at 7:45 pm #

          I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you can welcome a child soon.

        • Unplanned C-section
          February 3, 2014 at 11:31 am #

          I hope it will be re-imagined for you. I know the loss I felt in a few moments is so trivial compared to your experience, and I am sorry for your loss. I hope someday soon you share the world with a little one.

  10. Squillo
    January 28, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    What appears to be very important to Serge is the illusion of control. The lighting, the “vibe,” the beverages… that’s what he can control. How the birth goes, not so much. Ironically, the only control you have in childbirth is to accept or reject interventions intended to make it safer or less painful. So by placing yourself in a location where most of those are by definition unavailable, you’ve rejected what little real control you might otherwise have had over the actual process.

    • January 28, 2014 at 9:19 pm #

      That’s the way I view it. Those who are really keen on control, opt for a maternal request CS….

  11. Allie P
    January 28, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

    I have a picture of me holding a glass of champagne in one hand and my hour old baby in the other. In the hospital. I call BS, sir.

    • Squillo
      January 28, 2014 at 8:40 pm #

      Yeah, in our first hospital, they chilled the champagne we’d brought in their fridge (and ordered take-out pizza for us when delivery was over, since I had a hankerin’ for it.)

      In our second, they served us champagne with the dinner we got after my daughter was born.

    • Sue
      January 29, 2014 at 1:59 am #

      Meanwhile, he says this of the two previous (hospital) births:

      ”Looking back on my life, I have had some pretty damn cool experiences with some insanely impressive people, but even so, nothing has even come close to matching the two days when my daughter and my son were born. I still feel like every single incidental glance that we exchanged during Monica’s labors, and every single time we held hands or laughed out loud or rubbed feet (OK, I never got my feet rubbed) or just lay there beside each other on the same bed, breathing quietly, knowing that we were in for something so magical and powerful that it was impossible to even get our heads around the child we were about to meet, I still feel like those were some of the greatest moments in my life, hands down. She became tattooed on my guts and my soul after we went through what we went through together.””

      So hospital birth was so terrible that you have to take risks to change it?

      • Anj Fabian
        January 29, 2014 at 6:16 am #

        I think he’s an extremely unreliable narrator. If I read his blog, I’d expect to find examples of him changing the narrative.

        Hospital birth was “some of the greatest moments in my life” and now he’s “Home birth, full speed, damn the torpedoes!” – why?

        • anion
          January 29, 2014 at 7:43 am #

          I assume blog hits were dropping.

          • mtbakergirl
            January 29, 2014 at 10:38 am #

            On another (rather snarky, guilty pleasure) site they refer to the baby as Pageview$ Bielanko 🙂

  12. Ali
    January 28, 2014 at 5:54 pm #

    I googled this guy’s name and wow, these people are self absorbed!

  13. Maria
    January 28, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

    What an asshat. Figures his name is Serge. That is as ass hatty of a name as you can find.

    • Meerkat
      January 28, 2014 at 7:17 pm #

      His last name sounds Ukrainian, and I suspect Serge is just an English version of Sergey, which is a very very common name in Ukraine and Russia. His name doesn’t make him an “asshat,” but his rants do.

      • AlisonCummins
        January 28, 2014 at 7:43 pm #

        I looked it up. It’s an ancient name — possibly etruscan, possibly related to the word “sergeant” — and has equivalents in arabic, armenian, greek, lebanese, polish, romanian, russian, spanish and ukranian among others.

        It’s possible that it’s an asshat name in one or more of those countries, but that would be a kind of regional thing. Like calling a white american southerner “Bubba” to make fun of him, when it just refers to a perfectly good non-asshat tradition of calling people brother and sister and probably isn’t something that particular man was ever called. It’s just that it’s a typical southern nickname and the speaker doesn’t like white southerners.

        Where I live lots of men are called Serge and it’s not an asshat name.

      • Maria
        January 28, 2014 at 7:43 pm #

        I know, I was just feeling super snarky in the moment. Although I did have that Bronson Pinchot character from Beverly Hills Cop in my head when I read the name.

  14. Certified Hamster Midwife
    January 28, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    Serge has never heard of hip flasks?

  15. ihateslugs
    January 28, 2014 at 3:40 pm #

    I’m two weeks away from my due date with my second child, and it’s interesting, but I found myself actually feeling sorry for Serge and Monica after reading his blog. Let me explain:

    Our first child was delivered by a wonderful group of CNMs in a university hospital, and despite the “clinical” nature of the setting, it was anything but medical. I felt both empowered and supported by the nurse midwives and the L&D staff, comforted by the knowledge that we had the state’s best NICU in the event anything went wrong, and my preferences were absolutely respected. All in all, it was a completely wonderful and dare I even say, cozy, birth.

    We moved to a different state during my second trimester, and in our new locale, the only birth options are really home birth with a lay “midwife” or a hospital birth with an OB, (as there are no CNMs). As an educated individual, I naturally chose the latter. I found an excellent OB who I trust and feel is supportive of my desire for a more natural birth experience. Sadly, the hospital appears to be stuck in 1970. I recently had my registration and tour, and was rather dismayed to find that it is an old-school, full-on hospital ward. (It seems the effort to make maternity wards less sterile and more accommodating has not reached this part of the country.) The hospital policy is no eating (ok, fine) and no drinking! (They use IV fluids for hydration.) WHAT??? Ice chips are allowed. They didn’t mention mandatory enema and shaving, but I wouldn’t be surprised…

    Needless to say, it didn’t feel very “cozy.” I cried as I left, and promptly called my hubby. He came home, hugged me, listened to my frustrations, and asked what I wanted to do. I said, “Well, we’re delivering at the hospital, of course.” And he said, “Good.” We spent the next thirty minutes laughing about how we would survive the antiquated policies of the unit, and pledged solidarity and love to each other and our baby.

    Because, at the end of the day, we both recognize that OUR BABY IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. We don’t need candles or wine or a pseudo sense of intimacy. All we need is each other and the professional resources, (physicians, nurses, blood bank, medications, ventilators, etc.), that could save our baby or me in the event something goes wrong. That makes it ALL worth it.

    Also, I feel more “bonded” to my husband now than ever. It is insulting to suggest that men and women can only deepen their emotional connection with the right setting. Furthermore, I’d argue that having a healthy and neurologically normal child is less stressful on a marriage than trying to survive the horror of a dead or permanently disabled child. (They may not be aware of the numerous studies that show the death of a child is a leading cause of divorce among couples.)
    Serge is willing to risk so much for such petty and insignificant things…

    Anyway, the words of Benjamin Franklin come to mind. “We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.”

    • moto_librarian
      January 28, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

      I am really glad that you have your priorities in order, but I am sorry that your hospital doesn’t appear to be very flexible. Have you talked to your OB about hospital policies? Maybe there is a bit more wiggle room than was suggested in the tour? I certainly hope that will be the case.

      I hope that your labor and delivery go smoothly, and that if nothing else, the hospital gives you a few things to laugh about.

  16. Carolina
    January 28, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

    (1) Maybe I had a very liberal hospital (doubt it), but several of my friends and spouse had a glass of Cab in my hospital room after my daughter was born (I had requested someone bring my favorite bottle, but decided against drinking because of all the morphine I was on). I’m sure if my husband had wanted to sip while I was in labor, he could have done so.

    • Guest
      January 28, 2014 at 2:33 pm #

      Someone who likes having sex during their period? I’m so not cool with that.

      • Trixie
        January 28, 2014 at 2:50 pm #

        I’m reminded of the Lemon Clot Essay.

      • Carolina
        January 28, 2014 at 2:55 pm #

        The difference between the two, for me, was one of considerable volume and um, uh, vicosity.

      • Zornorph
        January 29, 2014 at 1:38 am #

        It’s okay to swim in the Red Sea as long as you don’t drink from it.

    • mollyb
      January 28, 2014 at 2:56 pm #

      Does anyone remember a while back the lady who had HB twins and (with lotus birth) and the second twin wasn’t born for, like, 22 hours after the first, so one of the things she tried was an oh so romantic “dose of semen” from her husband to get baby #2 moving. Semen. Just after giving birth to one twin. WITH THE UMBILICAL CORD STILL HANGING OUT OF YOU. I will never get that thought out of my mind as long as I live.

      • mollyb
        January 28, 2014 at 3:04 pm #

        Ooops, I see someone posted that already. Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one who can never forget.

        • Anj Fabian
          January 29, 2014 at 6:20 am #

          In another discussion, someone said their sister read it and was convinced it was birth junkie fan fiction.

      • Ash
        January 28, 2014 at 4:21 pm #

        There are some things for which you need brain bleach after reading on the Internet.

      • disqus_ok9xndxFPu
        January 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm #

        Ewww. That is horrifying.

      • Meerkat
        January 28, 2014 at 7:22 pm #

        Why did I read this while eating? Gag.

    • LibrarianSarah
      January 28, 2014 at 3:32 pm #

      If I remember correctly, this man’s wife once pulled out a bloody tampon and threw it out of a moving vehicle so they could have sex in said vehicle. I think it was a cab. We are not talking about the classiest of people here.

      • Young CC Prof
        January 28, 2014 at 3:38 pm #

        A few years back, I witnessed a couple having sex in the bathroom of a brokendown Greyhound bus on US 101. Later, they were tossed off the bus in North Hollywood for violation of the open container law. (They were so drunk, the driver told them we’d reached downtown Los Angeles and they believed him.)

        You’ve just topped that story.

        • LibrarianSarah
          January 28, 2014 at 3:43 pm #

          I don’t know whether to feel proud or ashamed.

          That’s a lie. I know ashamed is the right answer.

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 28, 2014 at 3:55 pm #

          You’ve just topped that story.

          I don’t know, prof. This part really adds a lot:

          They were so drunk, the driver told them we’d reached downtown Los Angeles and they believed him.

          That’s awesome.

      • Guest
        January 28, 2014 at 3:49 pm #

        Poor cabbie!

      • Trixie
        January 28, 2014 at 3:59 pm #

        I’ve just discovered a new thing to be thankful for. Unlike their kids, I can Google my mom’s name and not get any results containing the phrase “bloody tampon.”

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 28, 2014 at 4:01 pm #

          Unlike their kids, I can Google my mom’s name and not get any results containing the phrase “bloody tampon.”

          I have GOT to figure out a way to use that line somewhere else in my life.

          • LibrarianSarah
            January 28, 2014 at 4:15 pm #

            It would be a lot easier if you were British and female. Then you could say “gah I can’t seem to find a bloody tampon!”

  17. Dr Kitty
    January 28, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

    Serge seems to not have considered the possibility his wife will spend her unmedicated labour shouting:

    ” You bastard! I can’t believe got got me to do this again! This is your fault! Come any closer and I’ll punch you in the balls! You better get a vasectomy before you come near me again!”

    Which I have heard on more than one occasion in L&D…

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      January 28, 2014 at 2:04 pm #

      Isn’t it Bill Cosby, who says his wife spent labor yelling, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!!”?

      • Certified Hamster Midwife
        January 28, 2014 at 3:54 pm #

        They *did* only have one child.

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 28, 2014 at 3:58 pm #

          Who, Cos? Absolutely not. He has like 6 (“Why did we have 6 kids? Because we didn’t want 7” is his joke.

          I know of at least 3 by name – Erica, Erin, and Ennis (who was murdered). Erica and Erin were big players in his Froofie the Dog routine (I did that routine as part of speech competition when I was in 8th grade – Got a I rating!)

          • Certified Hamster Midwife
            January 28, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

            I had it in my head that Ennis was an only child. You are correct. I’ve never listened to any of his albums.

          • The Bofa on the Sofa
            January 28, 2014 at 4:28 pm #

            Looking it up, it was 5 kids. Ennis was the youngest.

            Regarding Cosby, my life has been shaken ever since I heard him give an interview a couple of years ago in which he admitted that there was no Fat Albert. I always assumed that Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids were at least loosely based on his group friends growing up, but, in fact, they aren’t at all. He was actually pretty much a loner, and basically Russell was his only friend.

            It was a sad day in my life when I learned there was no Fat Albert.

      • January 28, 2014 at 4:47 pm #

        We did Cosby’s cheerleader routine while I was pushing. “PUSH him out! SHOVE him out! WAAAAAAY OUT!”

        • MaineJen
          January 28, 2014 at 4:53 pm #

          “My wife stood up in the stirrups, and yelled I WANT MORPHINE.” LOL, I’ve loved that routine since I was a kid.

          • me
            January 29, 2014 at 12:20 am #

            I think it was “My wife stood up in the stirrups and told everyone in the room that my parents were never married”

            He was a funny guy…

    • Guest
      January 28, 2014 at 3:55 pm #

      I could never get away with that with my husband. Getting pregnant was mostly my idea so he’d just toss that back in my face, while still being incredibly supportive during labor. That’s just the kind of guy he is 🙂

    • Comrade X
      January 29, 2014 at 11:01 am #

      Yup. Apparently my mum was shouting all those things about my dad. And he wasn’t even in the room.

  18. Jessica S.
    January 28, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

    These people make delivery far more complicated than it needs to be. A great way to be disappointed is to set a bunch of expectations.

    Reading this post makes me very, VERY grateful for my husband. Sheesh.

  19. The Computer Ate My Nym
    January 28, 2014 at 1:28 pm #

    Hold on a minute here…the medically-induced births of our other two kids There were problems with the first two pregnancies and intervention was needed? This is not low risk. I mean, I can kind of see a scenario where a woman’s had two completely no-complications births and starts to feel like the hospital’s a waste of time. But this woman apparently has had problems. How can anyone think that this is a good idea? What sort of midwife wouldn’t warn a potential client like this off?

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      January 28, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

      What sort of midwife wouldn’t warn a potential client like this off?

      You’d think, wouldn’t you?

      Mary S, let me introduce you to the CPM….

      • The Computer Ate My Nym
        January 28, 2014 at 1:40 pm #

        Home birth advocates, at least the more realistic ones, talk about how home birth is safe as long as the potential candidates are screened appropriately and are low risk. So why do they keep taking high risk clients?

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 28, 2014 at 1:48 pm #

          Oh, that’s easy. “They” don’t. It’s the other guy. Remember, when it comes to midwives, not all of them are dangerous (which, as I argue, is the sure-tell sign of a profession with a huge problem.)

          But the bigger problem for midwives are their outcomes. IF, as they claim, “home birth is safe as long as the patients are sufficiently low risk,” then how can you account for the increase in bad outcomes, which is now becoming undeniable?

          Is it because there are higher risks (due to location and/or incompetency)? Or is it because the profession is doing a bad job of distinguishing high and low risk? Or because they don’t care?

          None of these are good options.

    • nomorequestionscatherine
      January 28, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

      I thought the same exact thing … So curious what the reasons for induction were the previous 2 times

  20. sleuther
    January 28, 2014 at 1:27 pm #

    Ew. I can’t believe somebody actually had sex with this doofus.

  21. The Computer Ate My Nym
    January 28, 2014 at 1:21 pm #

    So this poor woman’s going to be giving birth with a “midwife” who probably has a high school diploma and no backing in biology and a husband who’s going to be smashed during the delivery in attendance. I hope she keeps her cell phone handy so she can call 911 if it gets bad because she’s not going to have anyone with any kind of judgement around.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      January 28, 2014 at 1:26 pm #

      My interpretation of the comments below is that the woman in this case is no less loopy than her husband.

    • Lisa from NY
      January 29, 2014 at 12:40 am #

      The woman can also get smashed and so can the midwife. It’s all about the mood anyway.

      • thepragmatist
        January 29, 2014 at 5:51 am #

        My friend’s midwife– who is paid for by the government– encouraged my friend’s wife to drink and smoke pot in labour. Great. That’s great.

  22. Amy Tuteur, MD
    January 28, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

    As Serge demonstrates, in the world of homebirth, stupid is the new black.

  23. January 28, 2014 at 1:08 pm #

    I must be odd – I want the act of having a baby to be as far removed from the act of making a baby as possible. One is a medical event that can have serious life-long ramifications for your health and well-being, and the other is an intimate act between two people. I’ll even go as far as to say, I want the impact of “having a baby” on my sex life to be as physically/psychologically minimal as possible.

    • Amy M
      January 28, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

      Well, in our case, making a baby (ies) was a medical event that theoretically could have affected my long-term health. (IVF) 🙂

  24. Mel
    January 28, 2014 at 1:08 pm #

    One of the biggest reasons I would never give birth at home is because if anything happened to me or the baby, my husband would be devastated. I mean crushed beyond anything I can verbalize. My husband tries not to take it personally when one of our cows dies – but it bothers him even when there was nothing he could have done. I matter 1000x more than each of our cows so I can’t even start to think about what it would be like for my husband if, God forbid, I or a child died in pursuit of an idyllic home birth.

    Seriously. Nothing is worth risking inflicting that level of pain on the man I’ve chosen to spend my life with.

  25. Mary S
    January 28, 2014 at 1:04 pm #

    Uh, wut? Apparently my hospital missed the “no wine” memo, because we celebrate our babies’ births in fine style with a nice glass of wine and a 3 course dinner.

  26. PJ
    January 28, 2014 at 1:01 pm #

    Does anyone REALLY care about the ambiance that much in the moment? I’ve given birth twice; both times I couldn’t even have told you who was in the room. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how nightmarish it would be transferring from home to hospital.

    • jenny
      January 28, 2014 at 1:04 pm #

      Yep. I vaguely remember the room filling with people when my oldest was born, and not giving any hoots about the fact that I was half naked, flat on my back with my knees pulled up and my nethers exposed, pooping. And then it happened again when my middle child was born, and all I could think was, “Thank god, someone who knows what they’re doing.”

    • Rabbit
      January 28, 2014 at 1:08 pm #

      For the actual birth, no, I couldn’t tell you how many other people were in the room (at least 2, probably not more than 6-8?). But for the time before, when I’m just hanging out in the room, working through contractions? Music is a nice distraction then.

    • Mary S
      January 28, 2014 at 1:08 pm #

      The only time I cared was when I wanted to lay my head back, but there was a light right above me shining in my eyes. I asked for them to dim the lights and they did, and I slept.

    • AmyP
      January 29, 2014 at 6:19 pm #

      It’s bad enough getting to the hospital while in early labor.

  27. Expat
    January 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm #

    Hawt. A randy manchild drunk on red wine cooing, “that’s right baby, puuush!” Sounds likea fantasy I once had. Not.

  28. PrimaryCareDoc
    January 28, 2014 at 12:54 pm #

    You wanna have wine at the hospital while your wife gives birth? Have wine. No one really cares about you, Dad.

    • Young CC Prof
      January 28, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

      That’s what I was thinking. Since when do maternity ward staff care if the visitors crack open a bottle to celebrate?

      • Nursey Nurse
        January 28, 2014 at 1:30 pm #

        Exactly. Here is my list of things I care about as far as Dad is concerned:
        1. I don’t need another patient. Ask for a chair before you pass out.
        2. Please don’t be naked.

        3. The end.

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 28, 2014 at 1:32 pm #

          2. Please don’t be naked.

          Hey, we want to be like we were when the child was conceived!

          Drunk, and in the back seat of the car.

          ETA: Keep a chair handy, just in case

        • Dr Kitty
          January 28, 2014 at 2:27 pm #

          Oh, I have one

          4. “please don’t be high on MDMA and try to kiss the medical staff”

          • Jessica S.
            January 28, 2014 at 2:39 pm #

            There’s got to be a story behind that one!!

          • Dr Kitty
            January 29, 2014 at 5:23 am #

            Pretty much exactly the story you think…
            Very young first time parents, dad to be decides to go to one last rave before the baby is born…she goes into labour a few weeks early, and things go much quicker than usual…he gets the call to come to the hospital shortly after dropping some E…which kicks in while he’s in the delivery room…and becomes apparent to the staff very shortly afterwards.

            He got given a blanket and a glass of water and told to sit at the head of the bed and hold her hand…and no, he can’t hold the baby until he comes down.

          • thepragmatist
            January 29, 2014 at 6:33 am #

            Was that my first husband? Didn’t realize he traveled to Ireland for the birth.

        • KarenJJ
          January 28, 2014 at 10:03 pm #

          Our nurses had a special request:

          If using the shower/bath for pain relief, can Dad please wear board shorts. Not naked, not “budgie smugglers”, but actual board shorts.

    • Guest
      January 28, 2014 at 2:36 pm #

      I know some people who brought wine/champagne to the hospital to have a glass for after. Everyone was fine with it.

    • anion
      January 28, 2014 at 4:01 pm #

      The whole wine thing sounds to me like “Look how rebellious I am, man!” This is the sort of person who ostentatiously ignores the “Do Not Walk on Grass” signs, and then looks to make sure everyone noticed–and was impressed by–his ignoring them. Hey, you don’t want him walking there? Too bad, he has no use for you or your stupid patriarchal rules! The Man can’t tell him where to walk! And he’ll have a poncy little glass of wine while his wife suffers, because that’s how he rolls, dude! He does what he wants!

      And if you don’t like it, well, the hospital–sneer–is the sort of place for puritanical little sheep like you.

  29. staceyjw
    January 28, 2014 at 12:54 pm #

    I wonder how much guilt she will feel if this birth doesn’t go EXACTLY as planned. Let alone if she has to transfer, has a CS. I don’t think losing the baby would effect their perception of the event, they are so narcissistic.

    I am sure these assholes will have a perfectly fine birth and baby, it always seems to happen that bragging assholes have all the luck. While no fatalities would be great, if there has to be some, I sure wish it would be these types instead of a mom that was tricked into it.

    What a class act! I wonder how the mom actually feels about this. She may be all for it, but she may also be going along with it because of his excitement. I think the woman that wants sexy times during, and directly after labor, is rare enough I am thinking its not about her. All the talk about MOMS way, but it sure seems to be about HIM.

    • Rabbit
      January 28, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

      He mentions that her two previous labors were induced. I wonder why? If she’s like me, and just doesn’t go into labor on her own, I wonder how long they’re willing to go past her due date before considering a repeat induction.

  30. Mel
    January 28, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

    Denial as key role: The baby isn’t there until after his birth.

    ” But after two births, I know that we are seriously anticipating a labor how the MOM wants it: just Monica, me, and our midwife and her assistant. No new faces popping in every six minutes to check a box on a chart or whatever. Just a cast of four, from Act 1 until the grand finale, when we will be joined by one additional tiny star who will be taking the stage for his big debut!”

    • staceyjw
      January 28, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

      Wow, she was not kidding about the performance aspect……

    • anion
      January 28, 2014 at 12:49 pm #

      Wow. If we needed stronger evidence that for some people, birth isn’t the process by which a baby is born but a performance done for the edification of the performer(s), there it is. It’s not a family, it’s a “cast.” It’s not a baby, it’s an “additional tiny star,” (An ADDITIONAL star?) who “takes the stage.” And the actual birth is not a beginning, it’s the “grand finale.” Sheesh.

    • Jessica S.
      January 28, 2014 at 2:37 pm #

      This guy would’ve hated where I delivered. It’s a teaching hospital (if that’s the right term?) – the University of Washington Medical Center – and for every doctor, there was on average two people tagging along. I loved it! Not only was everyone SO nice, but I was completely confident we were in capable hands. I want to say that the patients have the option to not have students observe, I vaguely recall them asking that every time the came in. But I was always like, the more the merrier!

      • Jessica S.
        January 28, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

        And when I reached the point where I wasn’t so merry, I just didn’t give a shit who was in there. 🙂

      • Mishimoo
        January 28, 2014 at 5:49 pm #

        My hospital had students too, I didn’t mind either. They’re there to learn, so I’m happy to help. The trainee sonographer learned how to do a LVOT scan and the student CNMs learned about foetal positioning/presentation. The one that was there while I was in labour learned about maternal positioning (safely using a gym ball), was reminded of the difference between opiate side effects and allergies, and was able to attempt an amniotomy 2-3 times before she was too scared. (She did slightly nick it, but my membranes are tough)

        • Jen
          January 28, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

          I had the NUM and a student midwife during my second son’s birth – the best of both worlds! The NUM obviously knew what she was doing and the student was so enthusiastic and got to learn. It ended up being an incredibly boring NVD (except for the retained placenta at the end – ouchie manual removal courtesy of my lovely Ob).

      • me
        January 29, 2014 at 12:25 am #

        I was at a teaching facility for my third, but no residents popped in. Now I feel slighted (j/k). Of course I was a boring multip having an uncomplicated and unmed delivery… they probably weren’t too impressed by me 😉

  31. Mel
    January 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm #

    Option One gets even more gross/crass in the paragraph Dr. Amy chose not to copy. (Thank you, Doc.) Apparently, the couple may be “getting frisky” to speed labor and delivery.

    • jenny
      January 28, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

      Do you remember the blog about the hippies who had intercourse after ROM …. maybe in between twins? To hasten delivery. This is real, it’s on the internet, I’m going to find it.

    • jenny
      January 28, 2014 at 12:50 pm #

      Oh, it’s Helena and Currawong. Bacon to the poster down below who nailed it with Currawong 2.0.

      There’s pictures.

      • Trixie
        January 28, 2014 at 1:29 pm #

        Can I have a cupcake instead?

        • jenny
          January 28, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

          Any snack food you like. 🙂

          • KarenJJ
            January 28, 2014 at 10:07 pm #

            They must be Yoni Cupcakes, of course.

      • Trixie
        January 28, 2014 at 1:52 pm #

        The part of that story that always gets me is how they have sex after the first twin and before the second with the first umbilical cord still hanging out of her. They are so, so lucky that no one died.

        • jenny
          January 28, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

          Yes, the whole story is terrifying. The part about the midwife telling them that 47 days between twins is average! Holy hell.

          • Trixie
            January 28, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

            Also, the picture of Lisa Barrett with her ungloved hand in the murky water. So, so gross.

          • Jessica S.
            January 28, 2014 at 2:32 pm #

            47 days?? What??

          • Josephine
            January 28, 2014 at 2:34 pm #

            Probably based on stats where one twin was born prematurely and one was born either later on in prematurity or at term. Obviously willful misinterpretation on everyone’s part.

          • Josephine
            January 28, 2014 at 2:46 pm #

            Oh, i see that was mentioned in this story…however, that’s a completely nonsensical comparison to a term twin birth and also I don’t believe for two seconds that 47 days is average. No way.

          • anion
            January 28, 2014 at 6:04 pm #

            How stupid do you have to be to honestly believe that the average twins are born 47 days apart? How inexperienced is your midwife if she honestly believes that? How many twin births has she seen?

            I haven’t known a lot of twins in my life–maybe four or five sets total–but oddly enough they all shared birthdays with their twins, rather than being born a month and a half apart. Did I just happen to only meet anomalies, or is Lisa Barret a total moron? (I’m pretty sure I know the answer.)

          • KarenJJ
            January 28, 2014 at 10:05 pm #

            That’s the story that really makes me think Lisa Barrett is less of a trained midwife and more of a BS artist.

          • anion
            January 29, 2014 at 5:26 am #

            Yes, I also liked the part(s) where basically all of her predictions about the babies were wrong.

            You know, if your birth attendant has to keep going to check stuff on Google…you’d think that might make you wonder how much s/he actually knows about what s/he is doing.

        • AmyP
          January 29, 2014 at 6:25 pm #

          How would they feel if the second twin died?

          You might never want to have sex again.

  32. Antigonos CNM
    January 28, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

    I never really understand this “quiet, tranquil” atmosphere that is supposed to exist in a labor room, be it in a home or in a hospital. Labor is hard work, and usually highly vocal and strenuous work. It’s called labor for a reason.

    And of course, the birth attendant likes to be able to see what’s happening.

    • Rochester mama
      January 28, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

      I labored naturally and the dimmer light did help me relax between contractions and concentrate on not pushing during them. I felt the awful urge to push around 8 cm.

    • Mel
      January 28, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

      Exactly! Our vet is always happy when assisting births at our farm because we have lots of overhead light in the calving pens. Lots of light makes a difference between seeing colors and positioning.

    • moto_librarian
      January 28, 2014 at 1:15 pm #

      During my unmedicated birth, the atmosphere was anything but tranquil. The lights were dimmed (per my request) but the guttural screams coming from me certainly did not convey tranquility. I felt like a cornered animal. It was awful.

      With baby no. 2, the lights were also dim because I was in labor through the night. That actually was relatively tranquil thanks to an epidural that allowed me to sleep. Once I started pushing, the NICU team arrived, but I could have cared less. Since our little man needed some help getting his breathing going, the last thing on my mind was to worry about how many people were in the room!

  33. GiddyUpGo123
    January 28, 2014 at 12:40 pm #

    My hospital let us dim the lights and play music to our hearts’ content. In fact I quite vividly remember my OB coming in to the room to deliver my son and lamenting that that was the third time in one week he’d delivered a baby to an Enya CD.

    My sister gave birth with a bottle of beer sitting on the shelf next to her. She bought it early in her pregnancy and said she was going to down it right after she gave birth (she wasn’t planning to breastfeed). I don’t know if they let her, but they certainly didn’t have any problem with the bottle being there.

    Let’s see what else … intimacy … don’t care. I’ve got loads of opportunity during my life for intimacy and I can’t say I either missed it or wished I had it while I was in labor.

    • anion
      January 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm #

      We brought a bunch of DVDs from home, and watched Happy Gilmore when I was in early labor.

      • Houston Mom
        January 28, 2014 at 12:49 pm #

        We watched Always Sunny.

      • LovleAnjel
        January 28, 2014 at 12:55 pm #

        We watched a lot of movies – I can remember Star Treks II, IV and VI, 2001, The War of the Worlds (George Pal version of course), and Airplane!. Aliens is one of my favorites but hubby convinced me it was not a good choice. We watched Tombstone in the recovery room afterwards.

        • LovleAnjel
          January 28, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

          Oh yeah… we had a Scorsese marathon too, Goodfellas, The Departed and The Aviator.

        • The Computer Ate My Nym
          January 28, 2014 at 1:23 pm #

          Aliens is one of my favorites but hubby convinced me it was not a good choice.

          This line made me giggle.

      • The Bofa on the Sofa
        January 28, 2014 at 12:55 pm #

        Nothing makes labor go better than watching Bob Barker beat the shit out of Adam Sandler.

        • anion
          January 28, 2014 at 12:57 pm #

          It was a good choice indeed. We had special fun with the nurses and my OB when Stiller came onscreen for “Check the nametag, Grandma. You’re in my world now.”

      • Mary S
        January 28, 2014 at 1:13 pm #

        We watched Scrubs.

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 28, 2014 at 1:17 pm #

          Did that include the musical episode?

          • Mary S
            January 28, 2014 at 1:27 pm #

            No, we barely started watching before things progressed quickly. I got lucky.

          • Jessica S.
            January 28, 2014 at 2:30 pm #

            One of my very favorites. Very clever. Also the Wizard of Oz “themed” episode. I’ve watched that one several times to absorb the little details. 🙂

      • me
        January 29, 2014 at 12:29 am #

        We watched the first couple of seasons of King of the Hill with our first child. Found tv rather annoying the second and third time around, so nothing (didn’t even think to bring music… derp… might have been nice).

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      January 28, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

      In fact I quite vividly remember my OB coming in to the room to deliver my son and lamenting that that was the third time in one week he’d delivered a baby to an Enya CD.


      I can imagine in the future, the hospital will be equipped with a music player with Enya loaded by default.

      That’s funny.

      • Mishimoo
        January 28, 2014 at 5:52 pm #

        I think that would be the only time I would ever scream in labour – having to listen to Enya.

        • anion
          January 28, 2014 at 6:13 pm #


        • Sue
          January 29, 2014 at 2:33 am #

          I can imagine screaming ”TURN THAT THING OFF”!!

    • KarenJJ
      January 28, 2014 at 10:12 pm #

      Intimacy works nicely when we’re happy and comfortable. When something’s going wrong, I don’t want intimacy, I want experts and reassurance and whatever we need to fix things.

  34. Guest
    January 28, 2014 at 12:40 pm #

    The birth is about the mother too though, otherwise they wouldn’t offer pain killers or hospitals now offering birthing tubs or fancier rooms for you to be more comfortable in. If it was only about having a healthy baby and not about keeping the mom comfortable, these things wouldn’t be available.

    • staceyjw
      January 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm #

      Those things are in ADDITION to the lifesaving measures, which are for BOTH mom and baby, and by proxy, the family that loves and depends on them.
      Home birth has only those things, and no lifesaving measures.

      No one said birth isn’t about the mom too, just that these types totally ignore the baby.

      • Guest
        January 28, 2014 at 3:47 pm #

        It would be really nice if the really extreme would keep the really extreme to themselves instead of plastering it all over the internet. It gives those of us who are a little granola (not organic, vegan, made with nothing but love granola) a bad rep. That goes for both sides of every argument. The beauty and curse of the internet I guess.

    • The Computer Ate My Nym
      January 28, 2014 at 12:52 pm #

      I like to use the airplane analogy in this situation: Yes, it’s nicer to be on an airplane with more legroom, a better in flight entertainment system, and bigger overhead bins. But if the airplane doesn’t land safely in its planned destination, none of that makes up for the lack of a safe landing. Birthing tubs, fancy rooms, and so on are nice, but if they don’t come with a good obstetric staff and emergency equipment so that a baby or mother dies unnecessarily, the fancy room won’t make up for it.

  35. MaineJen
    January 28, 2014 at 12:39 pm #

    Ew. Just, ew. This guy sounds more interested in the romantic possibilities of a home birth than anything else. Is anyone else a bit creeped out (nay, alarmed) by how possessive he seems of his wife? He doesn’t seem to want anyone else near her.

    • jenny
      January 28, 2014 at 12:39 pm #

      Yeah, it’s creepy.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      January 28, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

      Coming from the perspective of a guy:

      Yeah, it’s creepy.

    • Houston Mom
      January 28, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

      The suggestion he might impregnate his wife immediately following delivery reminds me of a pair of pet mice we used to have, Ingram and Lupina. We were watching the delivery, intending to remove Papa after he saw the babies born, but we weren’t anticipating that he would jump her the second she had delivered her last pup. She then had her second litter of 14. I felt so sorry for allowing it to happen.

      We separated the mice by gender in large tanks but fighting and rampant buggery in boy town neccesitated separate quarters for all the guys. We spent the next several years changing shavings, building pipe cleaner ladders, and letting everyone take their turn in the hamster ball. We tried to give them a decent life. Considering they came from the reptile shop, I think they did OK.

    • Are you nuts
      January 28, 2014 at 3:36 pm #

      Yes. Sometimes I wish my husband were a little less squeamish about the whole thing (you should have seen him when he saw the TV ultrasound “probe”) but on second thought, I’ll take squeamishness anyday over this sicko.

  36. Karen in SC
    January 28, 2014 at 12:38 pm #

    If you have time, go back to the first post about this clown. That was when we were visited by the inimitable Kelly Eager Hands, who kept trying to school us about the dangers of hospital birth. She kept up with comments for awhile but of course never came back with any sources.

  37. anion
    January 28, 2014 at 12:38 pm #

    Oh, these two. I happened to cross online paths with Monica five or six years ago; it was pretty hilarious, in an eye-rolling kind of way.

    And this whole idea that a woman needs peace and tranquility in order to labor successfully… Aside from all of the women who’ve given birth in the exact opposite circumstances, I’m really curious as to whether we’re supposed to be “Birth Warriors” or wilting lilies whose labor could stop if somebody talks too loudly, as if the baby is a souffle that could fall if a door is slammed.

    Also, most hospitals will let you bring whatever you like as far as drinks are concerned, though I imagine the thought of having a drunken hipster flailing about in the delivery room wouldn’t appeal to most medical professionals, who have more important things to worry about than “the vibe in the room.”

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      January 28, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

      Isn’t the “woman needs peace and tranquility” Fischbein’s shtiick?

      I remember this going around when we were expecting, how this OB argues that fathers should not be in the delivery room because they mess up the peaceful atmosphere, or something like that.

      I was thinking it was Fischbein, but I could be wrong. Then again, if it were Fischbein, it would make sense. Of course he wouldn’t want the fathers in there, because it’s a chance to hit on the woman.

      • Dr Kitty
        January 28, 2014 at 1:53 pm #

        Odent, I think you’re thinking of Odent,

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          January 28, 2014 at 2:03 pm #

          You’re probably right. All the “OBs who are darlings of the NCB crowd” get confusing (yes, I know Odent isn’t an OB).

          These are the guys that I call “the usual suspects.” For whatever fringe group there is, there are the same people that you hear about over and over again. And when journalists do a story about the topic, you always see that they go to the “usual suspects” to get the fringe side, and, for the counter-point, they call their local OB office. It’s usually a tip-off that they are talking about a fringe movement.

          You see this in the vax world, too. Look at any article that talks about anti-vax, they go to the same people as anti-vax experts – Sears, Jay Gordon, Joe Mercola, Barb…whoever (the one who got the vaccine court started), and for the pro-vaccine side, they call the local pediatrician’s office.

    • Mel
      January 28, 2014 at 12:52 pm #

      I’m thinking of various women who gave birth during natural disasters. One woman gave birth in a tree during a flood and caught the newborn herself. I can’t image that laboring and delivering in a tree during a flood promotes either peace or tranquility, and yet, the baby was born. Hmm…..

      • Young CC Prof
        January 28, 2014 at 12:57 pm #

        My friend’s uncle’s name means bombshell. He was born while the neighborhood was being bombed from the sky. Didn’t hold his mother back any.

    • ihateslugs
      January 28, 2014 at 3:11 pm #

      Women have delivered in the most adverse and extreme of circumstances; for Serge to believe that historically women have been afforded peace and tranquility for birth is laughable, and demonstrates his ignorance. (Interestingly, it also completely contradicts the “I Am Woman and I Am a Goddess” concept that is so prevalent in the natural childbirth community. Most goddesses should have the ability to not be dispossessed of their powers by poor lighting and the absence of Enya playing in the background.)

  38. jenny
    January 28, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

    Bielenko is just a peach, isn’t he?

  39. Rabbit
    January 28, 2014 at 12:31 pm #

    The hospital where I had my daughter has iPad/iPhone docking stations in every room. I suppose they should have been more thoughtful and included options for Android devices too. 😉 The docking station didn’t work with my iPad, but I’d brought my own speakers for that. Long way of saying I could play any music I wanted too. I could also turn down the lights, adjust the temperature, and wear my own clothes if I were so inclined. Also, each room had a whiteboard where the nurse would write any special requests the family had. It hadn’t been erased from the previous laboring woman. Her request? Wine. My nurse said the woman and her husband had brought a bottle, and poured themselves each a glass as soon as the baby was born.

    Obviously every hospital is going to have different options available regarding the ambiance and mood lighting. That isn’t what makes me choose one hospital over another, or over home. It is the fully staffed operating room and trained doctors and nurses who can actually do something if the shit hits the fan.

    • Trixie
      January 28, 2014 at 12:33 pm #


    • LynnetteHafkenIBCLC
      January 28, 2014 at 12:38 pm #

      >The docking station didn’t work with my iPad, but I’d brought my own speakers for that.

      Is there no end to the lengths hospitals will go to create stress for the mother??!?

      • The Bofa on the Sofa
        January 28, 2014 at 12:49 pm #

        I think I saw this on My OB Said What?

        “It wasn’t the OB, but the nurse told me that my Android device, which I has previously loaded with all the music that I had careful chosen to accompany my labor, right down to being timed with my stage of labor and extent of dilation, was incompatible with the docking station. TOTALLY ruined the entire process.”

        • Mel
          January 28, 2014 at 1:12 pm #

          ROTFL. That’s more thought in a music list than all of the music we put together for our wedding service and reception.

          • thepragmatist
            January 29, 2014 at 5:11 pm #

            LMAO I don’t even know what song we entered the church to: it is otherwise known as, “Oh, FFS, I don’t know… can’t you guys just pick something?” I did have two very special songs, but none for the birth of my son. I did however go home and WRITE a song within the first weeks of his birth, which, to this day he adores. It’s probably the happiest song I’ve ever written in my life.

        • Melissa
          January 28, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

          How did she know how long her labor would take in order to create the perfect music mix to go along with it? “I can’t push yet, my song isn’t on!”

    • Ra
      January 28, 2014 at 1:10 pm #

      One OB that I worked with had a VERY impressive music collection. He was fascinated by music and had collected more songs than anyone I have ever met.
      Every time he performed a non-emergent delivery (vaginal and c/section both included), he would ask the mom to choose her favorite artist (or song, or style) and then he would plug his iPhone into the in-room speakers and play the music for everyone to hear. We did deliveries to classical music, rap, Adele, country, Enya, and pretty much everything else.
      Oh, those heartless OBs that are just in it for the money. 😉

    • LibrarianSarah
      January 28, 2014 at 1:26 pm #

      Every room or every room in the maternity ward. A lot of hospitals seem to go all out on the maternity ward while leaving the icky sick and disabled people the scraps. This is one of the reasons that whenever a ncb “moderate” comes her saying “we need to make hospital birth nicer” I want to scream.

      Specifically I want to scream “You have the nicest room in the hospital! And it’s a room you are going to be in for a day or two. Try spending 3 weeks in a regular hospital room” My brother is having a baby and the room my sister in law will probably be giving birth in is nicer than my apartment.

      • Rabbit
        January 28, 2014 at 1:30 pm #

        I don’t know, but that is an interesting point. I think there were also docking stations in the postpartum unit, but I think that probably falls along the same lines as what is available in L&D. I somehow doubt that most hospital rooms in other units have sleeping arrangements for spouses/significant others either. Although the waiting room at the hospital where my mom had surgery this summer did have charging stations, and free internet access.

  40. Ash
    January 28, 2014 at 12:28 pm #

    re: Intercourse right after delivery.
    I am reminded of a post on another internet forum. The writer was a woman responding to a discussion about sex after having kids. She said she loved her husband very much and he was a great father, but he was very insistent “his way”. Despite that the physicians’ recommendation was to abstain from intercourse for several weeks, he insisted on vaginal intercourse within a week of delivery and she developed an infection and was quite ill (treated with antibiotics).

    For her next child, she described the situation to her OB and of course, the OB tried to discourage intercourse but gave her prophylactic antibiotics. Fortunately she did not get an infection but it was just so sad.

    • Trixie
      January 28, 2014 at 12:31 pm #

      So, he basically raped his wife a week after birth, and the OB did nothing?

      • moto_librarian
        January 28, 2014 at 12:33 pm #

        Can the OB do anything? Wouldn’t the wife have to report it?

        • Trixie
          January 28, 2014 at 12:34 pm #

          I mean, try to help her access resources to get out of the situation.

          • staceyjw
            January 28, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

            If she wants them. You cannot make anyone do anything like that.

          • Trixie
            January 28, 2014 at 12:39 pm #

            I know. Perhaps she portrayed the situation differently to the OB.

          • moto_librarian
            January 28, 2014 at 1:10 pm #

            I certainly hope that he did, Trixie. I am guessing that this woman was adamant about not leaving her husband, thus the OB decided to prescribe antibiotics to mitigate the damage. It’s an ugly situation, no doubt.

      • Ash
        January 28, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

        Well, I don’t know the full story. Many people certainly responded in support of the writer (as in, saying that the husband was an ahole) but she did not consider it sexual assault. Definitely that she would prefer not to have intercourse right after delivery but that she felt it would be better for her relationship to acquiesce because it made her husband happy. Certainly I got the impression that the OB tried to help, but when the OB realized that intercourse was going to happen despite advice, the OB gave antibiotics.

        • staceyjw
          January 28, 2014 at 12:40 pm #

          Theres not much to tell. If he wanted sex regardless, even after birth and infection, that shows a horrible lack of respect. WAY beyond the garden variety annoying spouse.

          Even though she may not have thought it was rape, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck….

          • Ash
            January 28, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

            I agree. But from her post, she did not see it as sexual assault.

    • staceyjw
      January 28, 2014 at 12:36 pm #

      Rapist. Sounds like a reason to dump the bastard. I’m sorry, but he cannot be a good husband at all if he cannot even respect his wires body enough not to rape it after giving birth. It is rape if she doesn’t want it, even if she says yes, coercion equals rape.
      I cannot imagine this ass as a father, especially to daughters.

    • Antigonos CNM
      January 28, 2014 at 12:38 pm #

      During my apprenticeship period with a district midwife in the UK, I was called one day to a house inhabited by a large, extended Pakistani family [different families lived in different bedrooms, I later discovered, about 20 people, all told. It was a small terrace house]. I was directed into the “women’s part” of the ground floor, where I found a number of women, of all ages, hovering anxiously. On a mattress on the floor was a girl [she looked about 15 or 16, actually], obviously in great pain. It was explained to me that she’d been discharged earlier that day from hospital, 48 hours after birth, and her husband had insisted on having sex with her already. Her episiotomy had broken down, the lochia was already foul-smelling, and the worst part of the whole thing was that none of the women thought that anything was wrong; that it was a woman’s duty to be sexually available whenever her husband demanded it.

      I called my supervising midwife, and we then had a job convincing the husband that the wife needed hospitalization — he told us, in fact, that she was “just lazy”.

      • Trixie
        January 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm #

        That would be forbidden under Islam, if I’m not mistaken. How awful.

        • Young CC Prof
          January 28, 2014 at 12:46 pm #

          Yeah, I’m pretty sure most Islamic cultures also follow the Western tradition of 40 days or 6 weeks. That husband was Not Cool.

      • staceyjw
        January 28, 2014 at 12:46 pm #

        Misogyny in action.
        This is how it was for ALL women not that long ago.
        Thank you to all the feminists that made todays life possible.

        • AmyP
          January 29, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

          Bear in mind that there are taboos in many cultures against having intercourse while there is menstrual blood, so that would tend to build in a natural reprieve. (Traditional Judaism, for instance, has fairly strict rules on this.)

      • Klain
        January 28, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

        At least he waited till she was home, which wasn’t the case for the lady in the next bed over from a friend of mine who was in a local maternity hospital. There were just curtains between them.

  41. ArmyChick
    January 28, 2014 at 12:26 pm #

    This man has issues. Major ones.

    • Trixie
      January 28, 2014 at 12:27 pm #

      He’s Currawong Song 2.0

  42. GiddyUpGo123
    January 28, 2014 at 12:22 pm #

    “Turn on” is an expression that should not be used during any discussion about childbirth.

    • Trixie
      January 28, 2014 at 12:24 pm #

      Oh come on, she’s still going to be so turned on after her birth orgasm…

    • Mary S
      January 28, 2014 at 1:05 pm #

      Unless it’s “turn on the pitocin” or “turn on the epidural medication,” I want nothing to do with it.

      • Young CC Prof
        January 28, 2014 at 1:08 pm #

        I would also accept “turn on the lights.”

  43. Trixie
    January 28, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    It’s good to know that if he’s speeding to the hospital during a home birth emergency, he’ll have a nice buzz on first.

    • Mel
      January 28, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

      And my reaction to the whole thing was “GODDAMMIT. If I can’t have alcohol, you sure as hell can’t have alcohol.

      • jenny
        January 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm #

        He sounds totally typical of selfish image-obsessed musician man babies. A friend of mine was touring with her daughter’s father while she was six months pregnant, and he would whine so much about his back hurting that he ended up sleeping in the bed and she ended up sleeping on the floor. While she was six months pregnant. Toad. I’m pretty sure he was really in love with the idea of her having a home birth too.

  44. Lisa
    January 28, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    “On the other hand, I and most of the other parents I know have a bond of love with their children that is so strong that even our own deaths won’t break it.”
    Makin me all weepy at work here!

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