Have a live Tweeted, professionally photographed, video streaming, non-technological homebirth!

green natural and bio sign

Hi, folks Hypa (short for Hypatia) Crit, CPM here to introduce you to the wonders of childbirth without technology. So few people have seen a real natural childbirth that we thought it would be instructive to bring one to you on an IMAX screen so we can capture every detail

Before I introduce our birth goddess mama, and our (irrelevant now that he’s contributed his sperm) father, I want to take you through our simple preparations for technology free birth.

Let’s meet the people who will be helping us. That’s Lex over there behind our large format camera, and Steve and Mike are operating the secondary cameras that you can see in other parts of the room. Sandy is our birth photographer who will memorialize the event with 500 photos using her 42 megapixel Hasselblad camera. She’ll be arranging them into a fabulous automated slide show for your viewing pleasure.

Oops, almost tripped over the klieg lights on my way to introduce Kelly, mom’s friend from high school who will be live Tweeting the event and Margie who is live blogging for our viewers who want real time access instead of waiting for the IMAX movie or the YouTube video.

How about the preparations for birth?

The great thing about homebirth is that you don’t need any of those machines that go ping. Technology ruins the birth experience. For example, instead of the thoroughly unnatural epidural we have a plethora of options for pain relief in labor including acupuncture needles (that’s Neveah our acupuncturist), cranio-sacral therapy with our therapist Rolf, a Tens machine, and, best of all, a 5 foot diameter birth pool (filled with air by an electric pump) containing all natural water!

The mess? Don’t worry, there won’t be any mess. We have every surface covered with rubber sheets or fabric that is specially treated to be waterproof.

Let’s meet the birth team!

Childbirth is supposed to be an intimate experience, so there are only a few of us in addition to the videographers, photographer, live Tweeter and live blogger (plus the potentially 7 billion people watching around the world). Of course there’s me, Hypa Crit, the midwife and my midwife trainee Krystal. Here’s Sharon the doula and her assistant Maeve. And let’s not forget out hypnotherapist Donna who has brought her hypnotherapy tapes to help in labor. We’ll be listening to those tapes when we’re not listening to the custom designed birth mix playing on the Bluetooth enabled speakers.

What? You’re wondering who is that in the back of the room next to the high speed dehydrator. That Serena, our placenta encapsulation specialist, of course.

You have to admit: isn’t this a lot more homey than the hospital with all those machines that could save your baby’s life in the event of an emergency? Plus, there’s none of those annoying strangers like the neonatologist or the anesthesiologist who would destroy the intimacy of the birthing experience by interfering and saving someone’s life.

What’s that you say; what if there is an emergency?

First of all, in the unlikely event that we are not trusting birth enough, we have plans for unforeseen occurrances. In case of emergency I have both the hospital and the ambulance on speed dial on my iPhone. If the baby doesn’t breathe when she is born, we’ll just chant “Breathe, baby, breathe.” Babies know the sound of their mother’s voice and that usually does the trick. We’re even prepared for postpartum hemorrhage. We’ll rip off a piece of the raw placenta and force it under the unconscious mother’s tongue and that should fix everything in a jiffy!

Could someone die at a homebirth?

Duh, some babies aren’t meant to live so of course they will die. But don’t forget: there’s a silver lining to a homebirth death. No matter what happens, it is never, ever the homebirth midwife’s fault. Sure the baby died just like the obstetrician, in-laws and friends warned, but that was just an amazing coincidence.

Would technology have saved the baby’s life? Give me a break. Everyone knows that technology never works, and it just ruins the birth experience.