The anthem of homebirth midwives

We love homebirth

With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein. Sung to the tune of the South Pacific classic “You’ve Got to Be Taught”:

You’ve got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You’ve got to be taught
From year to year,
It’s got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to be afraid
Modern obstetrics is just a charade,
Your quest for experience will be betrayed,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to be dismayed
Of the dread intervention cascade,
started by Doc so his golf game gets played,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to be portrayed
As a woman whose placenta will never degrade,
Breech, twins or VBAC, be never afraid,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to always downgrade
Tests, EFM, heplocks, technology arrayed,
flat on your back you will always be laid,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to be afraid
That’s deep at the heart of our clever crusade,
Doctors as evil are often portrayed,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught our masquerade
As folks for whom blame we will always evade
That’s why our service is always prepaid,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late,
Before you are term or week thirty eight,
To hate all the people your Facebook friends hate,
You’ve got to be carefully taught!

  • Midwest Guest
    • Amy Tuteur, MD

      They are lay people who are nothing more than hobbyists.

  • Damn, wish I could post my version of “these boots were made for walkin” (one of these boots are gonna walk right out of woo) but I’m still working on it…

    • Young CC Prof

      I’d like to hear it!

  • attitude devant

    Dites-moi, pourquoi?
    OBs are ba–aad.
    Dites-moi, pourquoi?
    C-S is ba-aad.
    Dites-moi, pourquoi?
    My baby died.
    Est-ce que
    I did not trust to birth?

  • Ash
  • Amy Tuteur, MD

    OT:

    Dr. Poppy thinks homebirth midwives shouldn’t be required to have malpractice insurance.

    https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10153939873820411&id=205950575410

    • Young CC Prof

      Looks like a pretty reasonable bill to me. Requiring malpractice coverage actually brings a whole lot of other safety standards along with it, because if an insurance company is going to sell it, they’re definitely going to hang conditions of practice on it!

      So it’s coming up for the Missouri state legislature? Excellent.

      • The Bofa on the Sofa

        Requiring malpractice coverage actually brings a whole lot of other safety standards along with it, because if an insurance company is going to sell it, they’re definitely going to hang conditions of practice on it!

        Which is why midwives are opposed to it.

        As Dr Poppy admits, it’s going to kill homebirth. Then again, if holding HB providers to standards is going to kill HB, then it deserves to be killed.

        • Young CC Prof

          If you want to do something, but you can’t possibly get insurance coverage for it, maybe you should stop and ask yourself whether it’s something you really need to do. If I wanted to buy a house, but discovered that homeowner’s insurance for that particular property was either unobtainable or outrageously expensive, I’d look for another house to buy.

          • The Bofa on the Sofa

            You’d think.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa

      Who is this “Dr Poppy” person who thinks that requirements on abortion providers is anything relevant?

      • Mariana Baca

        Seriously, I’m prolife and I can’t for the life of me imagine why it is relevant. Both are medical practitioners. Both should carry malpractice insurance. It doesn’t matter if it is surgery — it matters the level of accidental harm you can cause. Birth is more dangerous than abortion, ergo, should carry more insurance. Seems straightforward regardless of politics.

      • Young CC Prof

        Apparently she runs a birthing center in Missouri, which is where the bill is maybe happening.

      • Sue

        Dr Poppy ”specialises in bio-identical hormone therapy and wholistic wellness”.

        She has subsequently tweeted ”Dr. Poppy Daniels @drpoppyBHRT No one is disputing requiring midwives having insurance. Just the abnormally high amount.”

        Oh – the worth of babies born under their care is less?

        • Young CC Prof

          Well, given that Dr. Poppy doesn’t accept health insurance and doesn’t appear to have hospital privileges, I can’t imagine she has any idea what real obstetricians pay for malpractice insurance, or how much coverage they carry.

          Oh, wait. Maybe that’s why she’d rather do wellness.

          • The Computer Ate My Nym

            I wonder what happens when she kills one of her patients, erm, clients, with “natural” medications and/or neglect. Can they sue her? Probably not with any success.

          • birthbuddy

            Can you sue for failed wellness treatment?

        • Well, heck, everyone knows that dogs and other animals are more important than babies, which is why vets carry insurance but HB midwives do not.

          BTW, “Dr. Poppy” is an MD? Or did she just award herself a degree?

          • Young CC Prof

            She is an MD, and she apparently completed a residency in obstetrics.

          • Dr kitty

            Really?
            In which case…stay well away…because she’s someone that no amount of education or real life experience can affect, which suggests someone who is unable to modify her practice or learn from experience.

          • Young CC Prof

            Actually, her background is rather like one Dr. Aviva Romm, another obstetrician-turned-quack.

          • Durango

            Hmmm–I’d say that Aviva was quack-turned-quacky MD.

          • fiftyfifty1

            Actually Aviva Romm is a family physician. She claims she specialized in Obstetrics on her website, but actually she didn’t if you read her CV. She completed neither a OB residency nor a Family Medicine Obstetrics fellowship.

          • guest

            Lately I’ve been reading more and more things in which a “Dr.” so and so claims to specialize in family medicine. Then if you go around digging it turns out that they are really a chiropractor. I think this is really misleading for the general public. Not to mention that in my state naturopaths are allowed to call themselves doctor – is this true in other states? I don’t know if I was more shocked or relieved the other day to hear about a naturopath “who gives most of the vaccines.”

          • Young CC Prof

            But are they the same vaccines that actual doctors give, or are they homeopathic vaccines? And what’s “most”?

          • Amy Tuteur, MD

            And her unwillingness to back up homebirth midwives speaks volumes about how safe she believes homebirth and homebirth midwives to be.

          • Hannah

            That’s quite scary.

          • Hannah

            This applies to vaccination, too.

            I know people who will vaccinate their dogs, but not their children. Because, I shit you not, ‘dogs don’t get autism’. It is baffling.

            On the flipside, the pet analogy can be useful when trying to explain to a friend why I would prefer she not visit our newborn in July unless she has had a booster. I think she thought I was nuts until I explained that we both cocooned our puppies until they’d had their full course of shots, particularly Parvovirus, and that doing anything less for MY CHILD would be irresponsible. Putting it in those terms made it so much more relatable to her and she is pretty understanding now.

          • The Computer Ate My Nym

            Probably the wrong thing for me to focus on but…dogs probably can get autism. At least, dogs are sensitive to human emotions and read human facial expressions in a manner similar to how other (non-autistic) humans read facial expressions. Autism is probably more deadly for dogs since a dog that can’t figure out human emotions is likely to be put down. Not that it matters, since vaccines don’t cause autism.

            Also, chicken pox kills children. And adults. Plus shingles.

          • Hannah

            Yeah, I didn’t bother researching it, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there are similar phenomenons in dogs. I was just so flabbergasted by their line of ‘reasoning’ and that it wasn’t limited tot one person :/

            When we had chicken pox as kids our GP was more worried about my dad than us, because he hadn’t had it, and in our GP’s experience it was pretty dangerous in adults.

          • Mishimoo

            My best friend’s vet suggested that their dog might have schizophrenia, so it wouldn’t surprise me if there were animals with various other issues as well.

        • The Bofa on the Sofa

          No one is disputing requiring midwives having insurance

          Actually, a lot of them DO object to any malpractice insurance at all

    • When was the last time an abortion resulted in a kid who would need life-long around the clock care…. I’m thinking it’s a fair rarer outcome than what can happen at a botched birth.

      • Mariana Baca

        A missed abortion can result in a disabled child, but yes, it is a rare outcome. Same with an injured mother — can happen from an accident in an abortion or negligence. But the outcome is more common from even routine birth.

    • The Computer Ate My Nym

      I don’t do any surgery at all and still carry $3 million in malpractice insurance. What does doing surgery or not doing surgery have to do with anything?

      • Young CC Prof

        I think she’s trying to make the case that abortion is more dangerous than “natural” birth, by using the word surgery. Except, you know, it freaking isn’t.

        • The Bofa on the Sofa

          think she’s trying to make the case that abortion is more dangerous than “natural” birth, by using the word surgery.

          IOW, she thinks we are all stupid.

          • Young CC Prof

            No, she thinks her followers are stupid. I don’t think she expected Dr. Amy and Friends at all. Kind of like the Spanish Inquisition that way.

          • The Bofa on the Sofa

            Point taken

          • NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!

        • birthbuddy

          In some ways it’s not all that different. It’s just late term.

    • Stacy21629

      As a veterinarian, I carry $1 million individual claim liability with a $3 million aggregate total, in addition to $25,000 in license defense coverage.
      This lady values aborted babies/fetuses more than homebirth babies and her dog. Quack.

      • DaisyGrrl

        She is nuts. I carry a $1 million personal liability through my home insurance. You slip and fall on my property? My dog bites you? My tree falls on your car? Go ahead and sue me, I’m covered.

        I expect anyone I do business with to carry appropriate insurance in case something goes wrong. Stuff happens – people make mistakes. If there’s a contractor working on my house, he better be insured. Ditto for my mechanic. Why, then, should a person entrusted with someone’s *life* be subject to a different standard?

    • Dr Kitty

      I have big time insurance and as a GP I barely touch people!
      I don’t do surgery, the most invasive thing that I order is a blood test, and my examinations are pretty basic stuff.
      But, if I delay or misdiagnose or give the wrong advice people can die or be injured, so I suck it up and pay what I need to pay.

      A properly performed abortion is safer for a woman than a HB. The risk of bleeding, pelvic organ damage, infection, hysterectomy and death are all higher for childbirth than for a safe, legal first trimester abortion.
      And HB can kill or injure a wanted child…so there’s that.

      €1 million seems like a small amount for a birth injury TBH.

  • fiftyfifty1

    3rd line, second to last stanza, should be “our”.

    • Amy Tuteur, MD

      Thanks.

  • Amy M

    I’m gonna push this kid right outta my crotch, and right into the poooool!

    If you want to have a VBAC
    or if you are having twins..
    Waste no time, weep no more,
    Show that OB what your vag is for.
    Birth is so natural
    and trusting birth wins!

    Go on and push that kid right outta your crotch
    Go on and push that kid right outta your crotch

    Go on and push that kid right outta your crotch
    and right into the pool!

  • Its not about physiology – it’s all about ideology, those thinking that outcomes matter, are losing out while our wallets grow fatter…
    Save a dollar, save a dime, we will gamble with your lives…
    We will leave a toll in our wake, but responsibility we will not take…
    We are midwives, holding space –
    We are midwives, believe our lies.
    (note the above is in reference to underqualified CPM’s)

  • NoLongerCrunching

    Lol!

  • Amy M

    Some enchanted evening, there will be a homebirth…..

    • Karen in SC

      not enchanted…..chaotic?

      • Amy M

        Ha! Well, THEY think it will be enchanted, with unicorns and sparkles and empowerment, etc.

        • Susan

          If I could to do CGI… I just envisioned a homebirth video where when the blue babe is gloriously pulled earthside, a unicorn trots over in a shower of glitter! ( should the unicorn take a sip drink from the birthpool?)

          • Mishimoo

            Of course! It is a traditional blessing meant to affirm the status of the baby as an Indigo, Chrystal or Rainbow Child.