Dr. Amy, Birth Goddess™

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I’ve been resisting for years, but I must acknowledge that the conclusion is inescapable. I know that I have written repeatedly that it doesn’t matter how you give birth, but spending so much time reading and arguing with birth activists, I feel myself coming around to their way of thinking.

It’s undeniable; I am a Birth Goddess™ and all the birth activists are jealous of me.

I’ve rocked 4 vaginal births, count ‘em, one, two, three, four. That’s more than most birth activists can hope for or imagine. Four perfect, joyful, empowering births where I was so closely bonded to my babies prenatally that I was able to ensure that they were all head down, none occiput posterior, none asynclitic, all who simply slipped out without any assistance.

No scalpel, forceps or vacuum were needed, not like those losers who are trying for their VBA4C, still hoping that after doing it wrong so many times, they’ll finally get it right. Sure, they blame the doctor, the nurses, the hospital, just about anyone you can think of except themselves. My obstetrician, nurses and hospital couldn’t have cared less whether I had vaginal births or not, yet I had them anyway. Obviously it is because I am a Birth Goddess™ and the women who wind up with C-sections don’t have what it takes.

No birth affirmations for me. Birth affirmations are for losers. Real women communicate directly with their babies without the need for words.

My four pregnancies were not variations of normal, they were the textbook definition of normal. No pre-eclampsia, no gestational diabetes, no premature rupture of membranes, no Group B strep, no abruptions or cord accidents. My babies weren’t small babies, either. No, my goddess-like pelvis was able to accommodate big babies, bigger than many babies whose mothers had C-sections.

I can’t remember what I ate and I don’t recall exercising at all, but the outcomes make it clear that I ate exactly what was needed and exercised the perfect amount. I took control of my births and they were awesome!

I didn’t skip any test for fear that I wouldn’t pass them, either. I’m a Birth Goddess™ and I passed every test with flying colors.

So why do birth activists argue with me when I explain obstetrics? I did everything they claim is necessary to show that I am a superior mother. Lots of women say they want what’s best for their babies, but didn’t follow through. Unlike them, I actually made it happen.

Why would you get your childbirth information from bloggers who are VBAC activists, who couldn’t manage to give birth swiftly and easily, long before an obstetrician could recommend a C-section that, according to them, wasn’t even necessary in the first place? Why would you get your childbirth information from someone who couldn’t manage to convince her baby to stay head down, or occiput anterior, or couldn’t manage to fit him or her through her pelvis? Why would you get your childbirth information from women who ignored their gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia or group B strep colonization? Shouldn’t you be getting it from someone who successfully avoided all those things?

Let’s face it, all those birth activists who whine about me, rail about me, and tell others not to listen to me are simply jealous of my achievements. I’ve done what most of them have never managed to do. Sure, they might eventually get it right, and have normal test results, babies in the optimal position, and spontaneous vaginal births, but that won’t make up for the fact that they got it wrong in the first place, no matter how many times they subsequently get it right.

If birth activists judge women by whether and how a baby transited their vagina, then they should view me as the acme. I’m the Birth Goddess™ that they aspire to be. Is it any wonder then that they resent me because I couldn’t have cared less how my babies were born and had perfect births while they cared so much and screwed the whole thing up?

I’m a Birth Goddess™, and from here on out, I expect to be worshiped for my innate wisdom as demonstrated by my perfect births. I rocked birth and they didn’t. I win!

 

This piece, though factually correct, is obviously satire.

  • BlaqueKatt

    I found the perfect birth outfit! http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=100275 I am really not sure how I should feel, I think horrified, horrified works.

    • Meerkat

      Oh, man, I am sitting here fighting nausea! This is one of those images you wish to forget but don’t. Eww.

    • http://freyjaw.dreamwidth.org/ FreyjaW

      Somebody was seriously bored indeed! Ugh!

  • Ashley L.
    • Stacy48918

      How informative of you. Do you have any thoughts on this piece? Or are we to bow at your brilliant copy/paste skills?

  • yentavegan

    Yes! You have hit the nail on the head. They are jealous of your Goddessness. You rock Dr. A!

  • Sarah

    This is priceless. I love it.

  • Ducky7

    Yes all that is well and good, Amy, but did you breastfeed exclusively? A true Birth Goddess would have done nothing less.

    • Lion

      I remember reading long ago that not only did she breastfeed, but until they self weaned (well, past early infancy anyway, I don’t remember the details) so she breastfed till term. Breastfeeding Godess too.

  • auntbea

    I am cracking myself up envisioning Dr. Amy in a bedsheet-toga and wig posing for her goddess picture.

    • anion

      I really wish I had Photoshop, because the idea of sticking her face on the above picture fills me with childish glee.

  • Who?

    How many vaginal unmedicated deliveries do you need to qualify? I had two, but did blot my copybook by doing the odd supplementary bottle with no 2 so I could go out without her, the horror. Also would have had the caesarean with no 2 had she not dropped into position by the time labour started.

  • the wingless one

    I think this is my favorite post ever.

  • araikwao

    And now I am struggling not to snort with laughter whilst on public transport – wish me luck!

  • AmyP

    That was awesome.

  • Maria

    Love this! I cannot reach the exalted status of Birth Goddess™ as I had an epidural for my first (oh the shame of not suffering for my child) and I was unable to will my second out of breech position (I guess I didn’t trust birth enough) and had a c-section. (bows head in act of reverence towards you, you all powerful warrior mama)

    OT: I just found this article out of Australia

    http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/experts-say-its-time-to-stay-mum-on-doling-out-parental-advice-to-others/story-fnihsrf2-1226975697926?nk=a80b7c9142784e381b7473a2051502bc

    Sorry for the long link, but I would love to see more doctors speak up about all the “advice” out there.

    • Mishimoo

      Yes! That is perfect.

    • Who?

      Dr P is a good guy, lovely article.

    • Mishimoo

      I meant to say earlier that it reminds me of my (late) granddad, who only ever passed on one piece of parenting advice due to receiving lots of upsetting advice when he first became a parent. His advice: “Always think about how the child is experiencing the situation, and put them first.”

    • Zelnut

      He was my OB for all 3 of my births (c-section and 2 VBACs) and was
      everything that the NCB movement told me I wouldn’t get from a private
      OB; compassionate and open to discussing my opinions and feelings. Also quite funny.

  • Stacy48918

    Anyone else notice the deafening silence from the hordes of VBAC”Facts” folks that stormed in here the last two days?

    You’ve left them absolutely speechless in worship of your wonderful goddess-ness. :-p

    • MS

      They all got kicked out of the group…. :O

    • Trixie

      I’m not above admitting a certain amount of Schadenfreude.

      • RNMomma

        Props for using “Schadenfreude.” People always look at me like I’m crazy when I use it.

  • Siri

    OT: who’s joining me at the first ever Feminist Breeder retreat in September 2015?! Secure your spot now with a non-refundable deposit of $30. Oh, and can someone please do the honours for me as I was banned a while ago and she probably won’t want my filthy money…

    • expat

      I would go if the price included some live music and barbecue, but not if there is an hbac ralley.

      • Siri

        I think there’s going to be a big plenary debate, with Gina tying gags on dissenters in lieu of deleting and banning.

    • Trixie

      I’m only going if there’s a GCC-Jen Kamel mud wrestling match.

      • AmyP

        How about castor oil wrestling?

        • Siri

          Absolutely you can wrestle after inducing with castor oil, but you have to wear one of those big diapers.

      • Siri

        Nah, watching those two wrestle mud is no fun. I want to see them wrestling alligators at the very least! If not grizzly bears.

    • Bombshellrisa

      Is it a live event or online? Because something tells me if it’s a group of people gathering, it’s going to end like those 5th grade slumber parties where there is a fight , the name calling starts and everyone ends up going home early.

      • Susan

        Bombshell nails it again!

      • Siri

        Oh, it’s live all right – I think we should all go along under assumed names, all except Dr Amy, who will have to go as one half of a pantomime horse as Gina knows what she looks like.

  • Anj Fabian

    How many points off does my mother get for seven wonderful births and two slightly preterm births? If my brothers didn’t serve time in the NICU, does that mean they were fully cooked?

    • Young CC Prof

      You get EXTRA points if your mildly premature babies survive with only kangaroo care, breastmilk and the power of your essential mothering. But if they require anything else, you flunk.

      • auntbea

        It AP-level AP.

      • D/

        Need a well-thought-out, comprehensive formula to calculate degrees of goddess-ness … survey SOB minions … post the results … I hear even if disasterous, they’ll be empowering!

  • Captain Obvious

    As an OB, I only want patients like you.

    • Amazed

      I know! Then, you can brag what an excellent provider you are and how without you, their outcomes would not have been nearly that great. It was all because of youe holistic care, amiright?

    • CanDoc

      Bwahahaha. Three years here, and I only just noticed for the first time that your moniker is a play on words. Doh.
      - Signed, Dr. Oblivious

    • fiftyfifty1

      I know that you are saying that seriously. Despite the belief that OBs are cut-happy, the truth is what they actually prefer are nice, easy, straightforward, normal spontaneous vaginal deliveries that end with a healthy mom and a healthy baby.

      There is only ONE thing that they want even more than that. And they spend 8 years of intense study and training (post college) to be able to make this thing happen. The thing they want is to be able to assure this same happy ending even to women who have not drawn this same happy luck and fortunate genetics. They want EVERY woman, whether birth goddess or not, to survive birth and go home from the hospital with a healthy living baby to shower love upon and to love them back.

      • anion

        My beloved OB’s disappointment in having to do my first c-section, and then his disappointment in my refusal to consider VBAC despite his sweet little speech about what a good candidate I was, was palpable. He was so excited throughout both of my pregnancies, and had been really looking forward to my deliveries.

        Honestly, his disappointment was the only thing that gave me even the tiniest pang of regret; not because he was a jerk about it (he wasn’t at all) or because he was pushy about it (no pun intended, and again he wasn’t at all), but just because he enjoyed delivering babies so much, he believed vaginal birth was preferable if at all possible, and he thought I’d find it rewarding when all was said and done. He was really looking forward to helping me have that experience (I’d been going to him for a long time, and started going to him because he dated a co-worker of mine, so we had a closer relationship than some doctor/patients might).

        If OBs were all so desperate to cut women open, wouldn’t elective CS be a much bigger thing? Wouldn’t vaginal birth in general be much, much rarer?

      • Ob in OZ

        perfectly stated.

    • mythsayer

      Out of curiosity, if a woman tells you she’s absolutely terrified of having a vaginal birth and is in her early 30′s, a professional (so career woman and busy, which is why she waited to have a kid), is an only child herself, has had abdominal surgery before and is adament she’s only have one kid so doesn’t care about the future risks of a CS with other kids, would you be amenable to giving her the CS?

      I’ve never gotten to ask an American ob this question. My Japanese ob breathed a sigh of relief when I asked for one… He had a reason for wanting me to have one. I don’t know what it was… I didn’t care bc I wanted one.

      But I’m pretty sure I’d never have gotten one here and I was absolutely terrified of giving birth the regular way (I have a few reasons… Mainly related to pain and the fear of Unmedicated birth and tearing).

      I’m just curious why some doctors are so against CS. If the woman only wants one and understands the risks of surgery, what’s really so bad about them? I loved my CS. And I’m 36 now, the kid is 4, and I’m still never having another. I know this is off topic, but I figured I’d just throw it out there and see if any OB’s wanted to discuss :)

      • Cobalt

        I’ve never asked for a c-section, but one of my best friends had both of her kids by elective cesarean. She was just terrified of birth. Her OB was totally fine with it after going over the risks and benefits. She was really happy with both deliveries. Afterwards she always said her babies were “lifted into the world”, a far cry from “being ripped from her belly” as some would put it.

        • mythsayer

          That’s why I’d like to hear from some of the OB’s. I think CS are the best choice for some people. I understand surgery. I know what recovery is like. I can do that pain, but unknown labor pain, not know if an epi will take or even when or if I’d get one (knowing my luck I’d have progressed too fast). And the thought of tearing literally scared me to death. I had my gall bladder out when I was 20 but it took them six months to figure out that was the problem and really what I had was a stone in my bile duct so by the time they did my surgery, I was close to liver failure. Jaundiced, threw up everything, including water. I was crawling on the floor screaming. And then people tell me gall bladder is close to, as bad as, or worse than labor pain. I couldn’t do it. It’s the worst acute pain I’ve ever been in so I just couldn’t even mentally handle the idea of labor. I was in denial all the way up to 35 weeks, when my OB scheduled me (for 39 weeks, though).

          It turns out I have as septated uterus… Also never dilated or effaced at all (apparently still have the cervix of a 12 year old), and she never dropped even a bit. Turns out I was a shoulder dystocia (my mom’s ob physically pulled me out with her hands bc I was stuck), and my pelvis never separated either. I’m sure that would have all changed but when I asked for the CS, my doctor (very stoic bc he’s now an 80 year old Japanese man, and Japanese doctors don’t talk much… They just “do”) looked at me with relief and shock (Americans don’t like CS and they fight him on them) and said “you want one?” I says “if you’re scheduling, then YES!” And he opened his calendar and said “may 27, first day” and I said. “Perfect! Lets do it”.

          And the reason I know he wanted me to have one is because two of my friends also asked if he’d schedule and he told them no. He thought they could do vaginal (both ended up with CS).

          The CS rate in Japan is around 17-18%, so he must have had his reasons for scheduling me. I’m just happy he did. It also helped my parents bc they were visiting so the schedule helped us plan. I also had gastric bypass in 2004, so I was planning on a tummy tuck after I had my daughter anyway, so I didn’t even care about the scar.

          All in all, best decision ever. I absolutely loved my CS.

        • Lion

          I have a friend who says her cavies arrived through the sun roof :)

      • Guest

        Can’t speak as an OB, but as a Medwife. Yes, after a clear discussion of fears, risks and benefits, completely amenable to a CS for maternal request here in US. It doesn’t happen as often as it is portrayed in the media, but a few times a year. Also open to RCS or VBAC as dictated by mother’s decision after thorough discussion of actual risks and benefits, relevant history, current health and without the woo factor or influence of provider’s belief system. Works quite well for all involved.

      • Sara N.

        I have a friend who requested an elective c-section. She wasn’t “terrified” of birth, exactly, she just really didn’t want to go through it and understood the risks of a c-section. Her doctor was okay with it. Her insurance, however, was not, and refused to pay for an elective c-section that was not deemed medically necessary. She could not afford to pay out of pocket, and so ended up with a vaginal birth.

        • mythsayer

          Since I was on the military overseas insurance, I think they went with whatever the doctor wanted. And he had some reason… Now I kinda wish I knew what it was lol. So I don’t even think he termed mine “elective”. He really, really wanted me to have one but was afraid to ask. The relief in his eyes was amazing.

      • Lion

        Interesting. I’m in a South Africa, in our private health care system, not the government one, you can just say you want a CS and it will happen. Many OBs won’t even do vaginal births. I don’t know why. Our government health sector you have to have a reason for a CS, but they don’t do VBACs (generally the private doctors who allow vaginal birth will agree to trial of labour), so in a government hospital you will have an RCS. We do have women coming from other countries to access c sections.

  • MS

    All joking aside (and I do appreciate all the silliness!), what this post highlights is the misguided idea that women have command over elements of birth that may, ultimately, be out of their control. I believe that is one of the biggest draws to NCB–its a group of ideologies that make women believe they can control one of the scariest, life-altering events of their lives. Birth and pregnancy are unnerving. Your body changes in weird ways, sometimes with irreparable damage. Your life changes, your family dynamic changes, everything changes. Anyone who can offer pregnant women a way to mitigate the stress of all this uncertainty is definitely appealing.

    I had a Bradley Birth instructor lecture me with a bunch of unsolicited advice about my pregnancy. But I never will forget the way she praised her good students who were able achieve the ultimate Bradley births. She and her little Bradley workbook had answers for everything, to prevent any type of negative outcome possible. Those she couldn’t prevent she claimed were “so rare” that they couldn’t possibly apply to me or my pregnancy. Boy, was she wrong.

    I lost complete control of my pregnancy and birth. I couldn’t get my baby to grow, her placenta was failing, we were at the mercy of some awful weather and my daughter had to stay in the NICU for over a month. It sucked. There was nothing about pregnancy or birth that I was “good” at (apparently I’m pretty bad a placenta-making). But I had an OB who was honest about how it was going to be a rough experience, and that he would help us in any way that he could.

    Some women have a lot of options, and have lots of birth choices–they have a lot of control over a number of variables. That’s great. But you can’t really be “good” at birth, because you are definitely not always in control. NCB sells the illusion of control at a vulnerable time.

    • Amy M

      Exactly. I had no control over that embryo splitting. I’d love to hear some NCBer tell me how I could have prevented that one. And if they have the answer to pre-term labor, would they please let March of Dimes know, so MoD can stop reaching for the low-hanging fruit of stopping “frivolous” elective inductions prior to 39wks?

      • Therese

        Preterm labor, just have to eat the Brewer’s diet. Ideally, you should aim for one dozen eggs and half a gallon of raw milk a day. Oh wait, that’s the Weston Price diet. Whatever, just eat those things and your baby won’t come early.

        • Amy M

          Oh REALLY!?! I wonder why my OB didn’t mention this? ;)

          • Therese

            Obviously because your OB isn’t making any money off of eggs and raw milk.

        • Medwife

          Excellent for preventing kidney damage in pre-e, too. See it’s like making your kidneys work out, giving them all that protein. Otherwise they just get lazy.

          • Amy M

            Lazy, glomerulonephritis, whatever.

          • Young CC Prof

            I was wondering about that. Isn’t the Brewer diet’s protein overload like the worst thing you could possibly do for pre-e?

      • Klain

        The easiest way to stop preterm labour is to change the due date.

        • Young CC Prof

          I’ve heard that also prevents postmaturity.

    • Are you nuts

      Yep. And all the rhetoric makes women like me who DO have things like gestational diabetes and high blood pressure feel like we suck at life.

    • carr528

      I guess I should have wished harder that my baby’s skull bones didn’t fuse in utero, thus requiring a c-section. Thankfully, the RCS was already scheduled since I had already failed at birth and had two previous c-sections.

      Of course, any cave woman can give birth vaginally. It takes a REAL woman to have your abdomen cut open to deliver a baby. ;-)

      • MS

        My husband has repeatedly said that if it were his responsibility to give birth, and have a C section like I did, we wouldn’t have any children. Needless to say, he took great care of me.

        We are the C Section goddesses ™. Willing to do whatever is necessary for the health of our children, we can slowly shuffle out of bed within hours of surgery all while meeting the demands of new motherhood (which for me meant shuffling down to the NICU, and then promptly throwing up). I hated why I needed my C section, but I was very happy with the procedure and recovery itself. The whole thing was mildly uncomfortable and I wasn’t looking forward to VB anyway.

  • Susan

    Great post Dr. Amy birth goddessTM. Love it. As an aside, I know exactly why you so rarely talk about your own experiences. When patients ask me about my births they are almost always looking for affirmation of their own experience and it’s just so uncontrollable and individual. I happened to have three unmedicated easy vaginal deliveries. But it has nothing to do with whether they need or want an epidural on not, or how I will look at their birth and help them through it, other than I know it HURTS and I believe them. But I think I would have anyway. I tend to think other people’s births should be an off limits subject in a labor room!

  • Trixie

    I’m not a birth goddess but I am a Lactation Goddess! My supply was so ample, my children’s latch so perfect, and their utter rejection of all artificial mother substitutes so complete! It’s because I love them just a little bit more than most people love their children.

  • Amazed

    I am amazed by your accomplishments. All hail Dr Amy, the ultimate Goddess of Birthy Motherhood!

  • Renee Martin

    You MUST put in how you successfully BF of ALL 4! Birth goddesses will easily BF, it’s the law of NCB you know! I’m sure you thought that was part of mothering, but it’s so tied up with NCB that it needs to be mentioned.

  • Sophia

    But were any of your births orgasmic?

    • Cobalt

      I always wondered if they were just conflating how good it feels when the baby is finally OUT. Without pain meds, the feeling of relief going from crowning to delivered is overwhelming. I wouldn’t call it sexual at all, but it does feel good for the pain and pressure to stop, combined with the hormonal rush of birth/oxytocin high.

      • Young CC Prof

        That’s why people sometimes feel euphoric or even fall asleep after getting a local anesthetic. It’s not the drug, which isn’t even in the brain, it’s the sudden end to severe pain.

      • Amy M

        The coolest feeling I had during childbirth was after Baby A was out, but before Baby B. I had an epidural(which was great for contractions), but despite that I felt all the pushing, so it wasn’t the lack of pain, since there was a bit more to come. It was the feeling of space…suddenly I could breathe, after A had vacated and B moved down. It was AMAZING. I must have been grinning like a maniac. Sadly, not because of the baby, I couldn’t even see him, he was in the next room already.

        • Cobalt

          Yeah, the first deep breath after however many months of having your insides crowding out your lungs is amazing. Also the first full meal. I felt like a bottomless pit…so much space! I can’t imagine with twins.

    • fiftyfifty1

      Oh probably her whole life is orgasmic.

  • Amy M

    I guess I can’t be a Birth Goddess. I had a vaginal birth, but it was anything but natural. Had I attempted it at home, probably all three of us would be dead. So does that make me a total failure? Or just a little? I mean, I still used the proper orifice….what’s a few steps below a Goddess?
    Goddess
    Demi-Goddess
    Angel
    Nymphs,Dryads, Naiads
    President
    Governor
    Mayor
    Blackboard Monitor
    Failure

    That’s it, I must be a Birth Blackboard Monitor.

    • KarenJJ

      I’m sure there are some bonus points for vaginal birth of ID twins, that elevates you to at least “Mayor”.

      • Amy M

        Sure, but they used the vacuum on one of them, so can I really say I pushed him out with my own Birth Mayor power? ;)

    • Siri

      Sorry, love, you rank so low you’re actually an OB. They’re lower even than blackboard monitors and monitor lizards.

    • The Computer Ate My Nym

      Birth Blackboard Monitor. Could be a useful tie breaker.

    • Mac Sherbert

      Well, you can’t be a total failure. I’m pretty sure that’s where I fall. 2 C-sections (I didn’t even have TOLAC) plus infertility issues. ;)
      Other total failures, let’s start a therapy group!

      • the wingless one

        I think I can probably join you in the total failure group! Lupus nephritis, mild pre-e, c/s five weeks before due date (no TOLAC either here because I believed those evil monitors that suggested baby couldn’t handle contractions), and to top it off, some maternal antibodies that crossed the placenta and caused neonatal macrophage activation syndrome. Is there anything below Failure?

        • Young CC Prof

          Childfree by choice. Clearly, the only thing worse than relying on ebil interventions to produce children is to abandon nature by not producing them at all.

          (Sarcasm, people, sarcasm.)

    • Mishimoo

      Well, to the Dwarfs, being the Blackboard Monitor is a pretty big deal.

  • http://kumquatwriter.wordpress.com/ Kq

    Damn do I love good satire!

  • Dr Kitty

    Love it! Dr T, you crack me up!

    You know what, from the evidence on the internet, precious few NCB types have a GSOH. (The posters here though…funny!))

    I do love the way that the only reason many NCB people can think of that you would POSSIBLY write this blog is because you’re bitter about your own births and want to deny other women their own glorious birth experience.

    Couldn’t possibly be that you had “perfect” NCB births and went “meh, no big deal, as long as we’re both healthy, who cares?” and that watching innocent babies die while their mothers strive to achieve something which, in the grand scheme of parenthood is so trivial, is pretty upsetting for you . Nope, couldn’t be that.

  • Amy M

    The part where you say women shouldn’t get info from other women who didn’t manage to avoid GD, pre-e or GBS? I think its true that a real Birth Goddess WOULD avoid those as you say, by doing the right things of course. HOWEVER—the next best thing, still possibly worthy of Birth Goddess (or birth goddess) status would be using one’s mama intuition to recognize that one has those problems. That’s where so many of those other, lesser mothers went wrong…they let the doctor do some test to figure it out. They should have just KNOWN.

  • Medwife

    OT: birth related PTSD sure does exist, and these women have it. The good news is they didn’t have c sections. Those babies came out vaginally the way God damn well intended!
    http://www.thejournal.ie/symphysiotomy-uncat-1356352-Jul2014/

    • anion

      Holy Jesus, that was one of the most sickening things I’ve ever read; I literally could not finish it, it made me so queasy.

      • Amy M

        I was just about to say the same thing. How awful…it was like those doctors got off on torturing those women. Why not just section them? How could that surgery possibly have been safer or more beneficial than a Csection, even in the 1960s?

        • expat

          In the articles I read in the link, there were 3 different horrible procedures. In the first, they sawed through the clitoris and pubic bone in order to make more space for a vaginal delivery. The second was somehow more invasive; I think they went in from the top to cut the bone, and then when the woman regained consciousness, she still had to push out the baby. The worst was where they cut a big T and did both a cesarean and sawing through the bone procedure. The fact that many of the women remember the whole thing is horrible beyond belief. It took a year for many to even walk again and the recovery was brutal. Many suffered spinal injuries as a result of the pelvic damage. It paralyzed them or made walking painful. Many of the doctors thought they were doing the woman a favor so that subsequent deliveries would be easier! The bad old days.

          • Cobalt

            The goal was to avoid cesarean to preserve the ability to have very large families “as God intended”. The docs were following the country’s religious principles. This went on at some hospitals in Ireland until the 90′s.

          • Amy M

            It looked like their cunning plan backfired though, since at least some of those women never had any more children as a result of that awful treatment. Better to have a limited family of 3 or 4 due to Csection than, one child and a mentally and physically crippled mother. Holy crap that’s disgusting.

          • Renee Martin

            AND THAT IS WHT HAPPENS WHEN RELIGIONS ARE IN CONTROL OF WOMANS CARE.

            And yes, this deserves the ALL CAPS

      • laywer jane

        Yup. Stories like those make you understand that NCB was (originally) a response to abhorrent hospital practices.

    • Cobalt

      This is what happens when religious preference dictates medical care. Cesareans would have limited the number of children the women could have in the future, so they were crippled instead to preserve fertility. I hope the religious owner of the company where my husband works (and provides our health insurance) doesn’t hear about this alternative to cesarean delivery.

      • Amy M

        It also sounded like informed consent in those situations was about as common as unicorns, so this sort of scenario would be pretty unlikely in a US hospital today. If a doctor tried this on someone, he’d probably find himself sued to the moon and back.

        • Cobalt

          If cesarean becomes unavailable, the other option is likely death. This procedure is still in use in areas of the world where cesarean isn’t available and does save lives while crippling the mothers. Ireland only stopped using it in the 90′s.

          It’s a horrific choice to be trapped with, and makes me grateful for modern medical options and freedom of choice.

          • Amy M

            That makes sense. But from what I read of the article, it didn’t seem like Cesareans weren’t available, and of course, in the US, Csections are usually available. :) But I imagine in some developing countries this horror show is probably still going on. Those poor women….

          • Medwife

            If you are trying to save the life of a woman with a pelvic abnormality and hopefully her baby’s, symphysiotomy might let you do that. Never did I think a modern Western society would consider it a viable option if a c/s was possible. Some of those doctors told the women they should have it instead of a c/s BECAUSE it was much more painful than a section, so they could suffer appropriately for their sins.

          • Amy M

            That’s sick.

          • Siri

            I think I’d actually rather die than be butchered like that and left to live out my life in agony and bewilderment.

          • Dr Kitty

            Not into the 1990s.
            The last case in Ireland was in the early 1980s (accounts vary as to 1982 or 1984), in Drogheda and was probably performed by Michael Neary, a very weird, very bad OB who was eventually struck off due to his astoundingly high rate of Caesarean Hysterectomy. Even in Ireland, Symphisiotomy was well outside of standard accepted practice by the mid 1970s.

            To be clear, I am not saying that Symphisiotomy was acceptable, merely that it was not going on “in the 1990s”.

            Don’t start me on the historical treatment of ectopic pregnancies in Catholic hospitals. THAT was barbaric.

          • Cobalt

            Good example for an SOB post on ideology driving medical decisions down to third world acts of desperation instead of following evidence-based, scientifically sound, best practices for mother and baby’s long term health. In this case it was the doctor putting the burden of permanent needless injury on the mother, but still process over outcome.

          • KT

            I first heard about this procedure from my mother, who knew of it being used in Africa where/when caesarians weren’t available. The context of the conversation was being grateful for my caesarian keeping myself and my baby safe and alive. My mom didn’t explain the impacts of the procedure, but the tone in her voice was enough. I don’t think my mom could imagine someone doing it instead of a c/s.

      • Medwife

        The Irish suffered under basically a theocracy for SO long. Wounds like this take generations to heal.

      • Amy

        “Remember, for our purposes your feet and your hands are not essential.” (That comes from The Handmaid’s Tale, which actually does a number on the NCB movement.)

    • Anon1

      Holy shizballs, am I glad I got the caesar three times instead of this barbaric stuff.

    • Lion

      I think that is one of the most horrendous things I have ever read. Torture.

  • Bombshellrisa

    Let’s not forget that you continued the goddess theme-I remember your post about sewing your kids clothes and Halloween costumes. That birth goddess thing rolled into domestic goddess.

    • Beth S

      Now be honest you know “Dr” Amy is no goddess she’s the devil incarnate advocating for those lazy mothers who are too posh to push and want those evil medicated births that drug up babies and deprive them of that magical gut flora so desperately needed. It doesn’t even matter that she breast fed, she’s just a formula shill.

      • KarenJj

        Those Halloween costumes were made out of formula tin lids.

        • Beth S

          Right and the only fabric acceptable to use is 100 percent organic cotton and wool either picked by fairies in the light of a full moon, or shorn by Leprechauns on a beautiful Irish day.

          • Dr Kitty

            Beautiful Irish day is an oxymoron.
            Have you been here?
            It rains about 360 days a year.

            I will accept a soft Irish day…”soft” being a euphemism for…rain.

        • http://kumquatwriter.wordpress.com/ Kq

          And I’m betting she never ONCE used her yoni to hold the yarn.

          • Susan

            LOL best comment!

      • emily holt

        Haha, magical gut flora. My poor c section babies will never have that miraculous stuff.

        • Amy M

          Well my babies got the magical vaginal gut flora, but then I went and destroyed it by giving them formula. You know, it only counts as a “virgin gut” if they’ve ingested nothing but breastmilk AND vaginal flora.

    • Susan

      Gee did you have to bring THAT up? So far I was keeping up in this mommy war ( well Dr. Amy Birth Goddess TM had me beat by one baby, but I had one AT HOME nutty nutty boo boo ) … but I lose if the mommy wars go into domestic skills…..grrr….

      • Bombshellrisa

        It really is never over-it starts with conceiving easily and just keeps building. I had friends who were “shocked” I was giving my son baby food from a pouch. Cause they use only organic, locally grown fruits and veggies that they walked to the farmers market to get when feeding their special snowflakes. The pouches are made from organic stuff. They were on clearance and I had coupons. They ended up being 4 cents each.

        • Susan

          LOL love that… baby food that they walked to the organic market and put in their hemp bag? Did you win because your pouches were organic? Well, you know none of us will win unless we do elimination training….

          • Susan

            Waiting for McDonalds to start serving a Woo McMuffin.

          • Mishimoo

            I’m doing it, kinda. Not because I believe in EC, but because I’m sick of draining and cleaning the bathtub every evening and he’ll wee into the potty as long as I let him stand over it.

          • Mishimoo

            Also, it reminds me of BF Skinner and his superstitious pigeons (as does a lot of the stuff that the NCB and AP movement promotes)

          • Bombshellrisa

            Of course I didn’t win : )

          • Kupo

            I do EC. But I’m already disqualified due to my episiostomy :(

        • Mishimoo

          4 cents each? That would be awesome! I did do the making my own, because that was what the youngest would eat. I used organic stuff, because my local greengrocer stocks it at a decent price. Now he eats from jars and pouches, and is trying bits of our food, and I am grateful because it is so much easier.

        • RNMomma

          We skipped over puréed food and went straight to baby led weaning style chunks of table food (appropriate for age). I can’t decide if I’m winning because it’s AP friendly or losing because the real reason I do it is because I’m too lazy to make real baby food. Probably losing though… It isn’t non GMO.

          • Stacy48918

            That’s pretty much what we are doing. My daughter is 10 months and we’re only just now feeding large amounts of table food and having definite “meals”. Pureeing food is annoying as is trying to get a tiny baby to keep it in their mouth. Early feeding is annoying, haha. But she’s been on the evil formula so I knew her nutritional needs were met. Mixing up that bottle was so much easier than starting solids in earnest at 6 months. Now we’re going at the food thing just because she’s going to be 1, formula is expensive and we’d like to get her eating enough to get rid of it by her birthday!

    • auntbea

      They were costumes of TV characters, though, which means that someone in her household watches TV enough to recognize characters. Serious demerits there.

      • Guestll

        The funniest thing the Birth Goddess ever wrote was that her kids watched so much ESPN, they burned the logo into the screen.

      • Bombshellrisa

        Tv is bad now? Uh oh.

  • Beth S

    Hey Dr. Amy you lose points for not letting Ina May Gaskin attend your birth at home so she could grab your tits and manipulate your button so you could have an orgasm. After all a baby isn’t supposed to explode out of your puss.

    • Are you nuts

      Wait, are these Ina May’s words, or yours? Either way, EW!!!

      • OBPI Mama

        Straight out of Ina May’s mouth…

  • expat

    No, no no no no no no. Not accepted. You are only a birth goddess if you didn’t find the unmedicated birth all that painful because “the water in the birth pool felt great”. Even that is not enough. Self hypnosis or birth orgasm is required for admission to Mt. Olympus.

  • hurricanewarningdc

    lulz… love it. All hail the Birth Goddess!

  • Bodnoirbabe

    Have I told you lately that I love you?

  • Karen in SC

    Hilarious and a great lift after reading all those bad-grammar-and-spelling insulting comments on the last two posts.

    • Beth S

      Yeah it’s nice to be able to let my smartass side out once and a while and not have to worry someone’s going to get butt hurt because I insulted their hill to die on.

  • NoLongerCrunching

    You forgot to mention that two of your births were gloriously unmedicated.

    • Beth S

      After all if you suffer pain during childbirth you’re obviously a failure as a Warrior Woman, and if you drug your baby you’re just an unfit mother.

    • KarenJJ

      Dr Amy, you suck at Goddess bragging. You’ve missed the brownie points for the unmedicated vaginal births AND the breastfeeding and the choice to become a SAHM. You really need to lift your game.

      • Beth S

        But she loses points for giving birth in a hospital and being part of the EVIL MEDICAL INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX that wants all women to have surgical medical births. I’m sure she even plays that disgusting game known as golf.

        • anne

          Don’t be ignorant. Get yourself informed. “Dr.” Amy doesn’t have a license and therefore is not a doctor – so not part of medical-industrial complex.

          Geez.

          • Beth S

            Well there’s always her insults of St. Ina, St. Gina and St. Jen to fall back on.

      • NoLongerCrunching

        She probably just isn’t trying hard enough to be a bragging goddess. Is there some sort of Doula for that?

      • Therese

        See, I think it was better she left off the 2 unmedicated births because obviously that means 2 were medicated and she loses serious points for that. Unless that shows how she is even more of birth goddess that the epidural failed to have its intended effect of causing the cascade of interventions like it would in most people. I guess it would all depends on whether her babies emerged all drugged up or not.

  • Beth S

    I guess I can’t be a birth goddess, after all my vag badge got taken away when I had my last child via that horrific practice known as ECS. I’m the selfish whore who denied my precious baby that all important gut flora she’s supposed to get from my body. I’m also a SAHM who feeds her daughter that dangerous rat poison known as formula because my body is a lemon and the only type of milk they produce is powdered.
    After all it’s my mission in life to make sure all mothers have to give birth tied down to a hospital bed with that evil CFM, and I exposed my kids to that ultimate evil known as ultrasound. I also had her shot up with that evil unnessecary Vitamin K and Hep B vaccine, as well as that eye goop that just proves I’m a slutty whore.

    • Beth S

      Oh and I’m obviously suffering from a raging case of Post Partum Pyschosis because I didn’t eat my placenta or send it off to have those pretty little pills made out of it! You’re not a parent if you don’t self- cannibalize!

    • theadequatemother

      Omg! It would be the best thing ever if my breast milk came out powdered! Can you imagine the convenience? Do you have tips? What if I get super dehydrated will that work?

      • Young CC Prof

        Yes! I totally want to learn how to pump powdered breast milk! I wouldn’t have needed the nursery fridge, no chilling and re-warming, just add water and shake! And you can take your pump anywhere without needing a refrigerator!

  • Amy

    I’m an abject failure when it comes to birth– first was a c-section at 42+1 after two failed inductions; after the fact it was determined my daughter was asynclitic. (I’m still annoyed that nobody figured that out ahead of time and scheduled a c-section.) Second was an emergency c-section after a 31-hour TOLAC. My two little “failures” are busy disappointing me by writing poetry, making collages, and choreographing dance routines right now. Ah, summer.

    But I AM a breastfeeding goddess– each kid nursed for over three years, and since they’re two years apart, that includes nursing through pregnancy and a year of tandem nursing. Donated 600 ounces to a milk bank, too. Clearly my body wanted to make up for my birth failures.

    • KarenJJ

      Ah yes, the two adorable “crotch fruit” that are happily sleeping in their beds. I suppose they can be my consolation prize since they didn’t turn me into a birth Goddess by squeezing their gigantic heads (90th percentile, the little rotters) through my tiny and seemingly useless pelvis.

      • atmtx

        I prefer the term “fuck trophy.” Thank you and you’re welcome.

        • Beth S

          Fuck trophy! After all the only thing Dads are good for is donating their sperm so us women can be like the warrior mommies of the olden times.

          • Amy

            And working to bankroll the extreme crunchy lifestyle that requires elimination communication, unschooling your kids, and grinding your own wheat. It’s amazing how ALL of these crunchy earth mamas are either partnered with someone who makes a lot of money or making themselves destitute trying to live up to the standards of the movement. (Another area where I fail– my kids go to public school.)

          • Beth S

            I’m an even bigger failure, due to my unnessicarian I’m unfit to parent my child so I let daycare do it!

          • KarenJJ

            Same *sigh*, I don’t think I’ll be getting any gold motherhood stars from the internet. Luckily my kids seem to love me and my toddler also once gave me a sticker for “looking after my baby well” (the baby got one too for “being a good little brother”). I’ll have to base my opinion on myself on those little moments instead of what virtual strangers say on the internet.

          • Beth S

            My four year old is still asking why can’t we put her little sister back in to cook a little longer! She also offered to sell her to one of the kiddos in her daycare class. She said she wanted her Mommy all to herself again.

          • KarenJJ

            LOL, enterprising 4yo : ) Mine was only 2yo when her brother arrived, so the only thing she wanted was for him to go back to where he came from for a while there.

          • Mishimoo

            But wheat is poison! Philip Day says so, and we can trust him because he’s NOT a doctor. Clearly, they lose points for subjecting their children to that dangerous substance.

        • KarenJj

          Mine weren’t all “fuck trophies”, one of them preferred the petri dish. Not sure what I should call that one now?

          • Beth S

            The Winning Science Fair project?

          • Amy M

            Hahahahaha! Yeah, mine are total freaks of nature on top of that: ID twin petri dish babies.

  • Happy Sheep

    But but but you’ve never SEEN a natural birth! OBs never see a natural birth!
    How can you call them births if they weren’t live streamed, Facebooked, tweeted and captured by a photographer?
    Also, I’m doubting you had your babies into a pool of fetid water in your living room.
    Birth Goddess, maybe. Warrior Wombyn, I think not.
    /snark

  • KarenJJ

    Ah bugger. I’m out for the count. Crapped out at conception, breastfeeding and giving birth. No Goddess badge for me. Excuse me while I wallow in the misery of my failed womanhood, take my bat and ball and go home. After all, I must only be here because I’m super jealous of other women’s vaginas and it has made me bitter and twisted.

    • Beth S

      Are you done giving birth? Maybe you can conceive another child to have a healing HBAC…after all you need another science fair project! After the baby is conceived just forgo all medical treatment and have a unassisted HBAC!

      • KarenJj

        Nope – I’ve shut up shop – I was in a pragmatic frame of mind when scheduling that last c-section with my obgyn and a request to “while you’re at it…”.

        • Beth S

          That was me, while you’re in there just go ahead and snip them. DH panicked enough about this baby I didn’t need him freaking over another one a couple of years down the road.

        • carr528

          Me too! Thankfully, I work for an employer that pays for the extra $300. Much easier than finding a doctor who would snip my husband. (Having a baby at 37 bites, and I decided it was time to close up shop!)

  • Christina Channell

    I’m a birth goddess too. It was easy. I don’t understand why these whiners can’t get it right. They’d do well to listen to me.

  • anne

    I also have my vadge badge and high five you! I would like a special colored name on disqus so that my opinions will be taken more seriously than those who’ve had c-sections.

    I love my vaginal birth baby the best!*

    *One out of one baby. It’s 100%!

  • The Computer Ate My Nym

    Huh. I had one c-section and then closed up shop for good, so I guess I’m not even close to being a birth goddess. Can I be a breast feeding goddess instead? I spontaneously and with only one false start produced vast quantities of lactic fluid from my vast tracts of land when Critter was small.

    • The Bofa, Being of the Sofa

      Dr Amy forgot to mention her breastfeeding success.

  • PoopDoc

    Nice. I grow them great, but when the time comes to hatch ‘em they are upsidedown. I may try gestating standing on my head for 9 months to see if that helps. I’m sure there is a NCB blog out there that would recommend it. I’ll hop on Google and check…

    • Beth S

      Just forgo the dangerous Ultrasounds and Doppler, don’t you know that babies are born breech because they are running from the sound penetrating their sacred space?

    • Amy H

      You could try sleeping head down. Maybe 8 hours a day would be enough to do the trick. And definitely worth it.

  • ArmyChick

    This is so funny. Thanks :)

    PS: Watch the butt hurt begin!

  • atmtx

    This. Is. Awesome. I’m a Birth Goddess In Training, having had two spontaneous vaginal births with no complications (although I have no aspirations to become as Birth Goddess-y as you). One with epidural and one unmedicated. No pre-e, gestational diabetes, post partum hemorrage. Nothing. BGIT right here.

    But damn, I didn’t have a birth photographer or videographer to post my snatch on YouTube. Maybe I need my “healing” photographed birth so I can FINALLY do it right! That’s what all of them do, right?

    • Pilo

      If it wasn’t filmed and posted on YouTube, it didn’t happen. True Birth Goddesses know that. You should check with your Birth Goddess Mentor for more information to make sure you get it right next time.

      • atmtx

        Craaap. Could we opt for a rebirthing ceremony instead? I’ll even skip srubbing the mildew out of my grout to make it more authentic.

        • Beth S

          Can you do a rebirthing ceremony with no placenta to eat and no cord to delay clamping?

          • atmtx

            Eggplant parmesan and linguine? Raw steak and red licorice? I think we can make this happen while also destroying our enjoyment of all suspicious-looking foods. I’m sure my older kid would be ALL over this. Thrilled for sure.

        • Siri

          It’s the mildew in my yoni I’m worried about…

      • Beth S

        Yeah and you need to have your vagina and anus as the thumbnail on You Tube so the whole world can see just how much of a true Goddess you are.

  • auntbea

    BRA. VO.

    • Carrie Looney

      BRA VA!

      • auntbea

        Good point.

  • Felicitasz

    Why do you have to ruin it with that effing disclaimer at the end? :D

    (Ok, I know why, but pleeeease, do just ONE without it, and have a great day with the results.)
    Congrats on being a Birth Goddess. Does singing your praises by sharing your articles count as proper worship? :P

  • Burgundy

    Why do I read this while drinking coffee? Need tissue, a lot s of them to clean up the mess LOL.

  • Stacy48918

    Love it!

    Heads are gonna roll!