My birth flight plan

passenger seats

Hi, folks! Ima Frawde here. Today I’m sharing the birth flight plan I use whenever I fly from my home at The Firm to various venues across the country where I share my wisdom with the masses.

Feel free to customize the plan to meet your specific flight needs.

Here it is:

I am looking forward to my flight on Joe’s Airline (conveniently located next to Joe’s Bar and Grill) from The Firm in Tennessee to visit my acolytes in Portland, Oregon next week. My previous plane flights have been uneventful, so I am not anticipating any problems. I ask that the following wishes be respected during this flight:

* I plan to bring my flight doula for support. I ask that ALL other passengers and unnecessary staff be turned away until I have had time to arrange the plane to my satisfaction.

* Once the flight has taken off, please address me through my doula so as to avoid breaking my concentration on the scenery.

* I refuse perineal shaving or an enema before take off.

* The flight environment is very important to me. For that reason I ask that the cabin lights be kept dim, noise be avoided and the cockpit door closed for privacy. I will bring my own music that should be streamed throughout the plane, and I plan to wear my own clothes during the flight, though I may strip them off and remain naked if I feel the need.

* I request the least invasive or restrictive versions of typical airline procedures. I deal best with the temporary discomforts of flight by moving freely throughout the cabin (including the cockpit). Please notify me if seatbelt use becomes necessary and I will return to my seat to let the flight attendant buckle my seatbelt no more than 45 seconds before an impending crash.

* A full first class meal is necessary for me to maintain my strength during the flight.

* I wish to fly via the Grand Canyon even thought it is not on the way to Oregon and respectfully request that the flight not be rushed to meet artificial deadlines like on time arrival. Birds do not worry about on time arrival during their flights, and neither should we.

* I will not consent to any delays caused by mechanical problems. I’ve done my research and it shows that many mechanical problems are just variations of normal and not a cause for diverting the scheduled take off of the flight.

* If serious mechanical problems develop, I wish to try non-technological methods (walking, breast stimulation, castor oil, sexual intercourse) for making the plane fly before resorting to technological methods.

* Please do not offer warnings of any kind. I am educated and I know that if the pilot says that there is not enough fuel to safely make it to Oregon if we detour over the Grand Canyon during the flight, he is just playing the “dead passenger card.” No doubt he has a tee time at a local golf course in Portland; I will not be rushed just so he can get there sooner.

* I refuse an episiotomy.

* No one is allowed to handle my checked suitcase except my doula or myself. We will retrieve it from the cargo bay ourselves and if the baggage handler feels that he must unload it, he should unload the doula or me from the cargo bay while one of us is holding it.

* The luggage tag should not be cut under any circumstances. I wish to practice delayed tag cutting to allow my suitcase the maximum benefit from continued tag association.

* Please be advised that I am a paying customer and the customer is always right. The pilots, the flight attendants, the mechanics and the baggage handlers are here to serve me.

* If for any reason the pilots feel that they cannot comply with my demands, my doula will fly the plane.She doesn’t have a pilot’s license, but neither do birds and they seem to fly without any problems

Thank you for taking the time to help us achieve our birth flight plan. Our lawyer will be meeting us at the arrival gate ready to sue you if anything goes wrong.