My birth flight plan

passenger seats

Hi, folks! Ima Frawde here. Today I’m sharing the birth flight plan I use whenever I fly from my home at The Firm to various venues across the country where I share my wisdom with the masses.

Feel free to customize the plan to meet your specific flight needs.

Here it is:

I am looking forward to my flight on Joe’s Airline (conveniently located next to Joe’s Bar and Grill) from The Firm in Tennessee to visit my acolytes in Portland, Oregon next week. My previous plane flights have been uneventful, so I am not anticipating any problems. I ask that the following wishes be respected during this flight:

* I plan to bring my flight doula for support. I ask that ALL other passengers and unnecessary staff be turned away until I have had time to arrange the plane to my satisfaction.

* Once the flight has taken off, please address me through my doula so as to avoid breaking my concentration on the scenery.

* I refuse perineal shaving or an enema before take off.

* The flight environment is very important to me. For that reason I ask that the cabin lights be kept dim, noise be avoided and the cockpit door closed for privacy. I will bring my own music that should be streamed throughout the plane, and I plan to wear my own clothes during the flight, though I may strip them off and remain naked if I feel the need.

* I request the least invasive or restrictive versions of typical airline procedures. I deal best with the temporary discomforts of flight by moving freely throughout the cabin (including the cockpit). Please notify me if seatbelt use becomes necessary and I will return to my seat to let the flight attendant buckle my seatbelt no more than 45 seconds before an impending crash.

* A full first class meal is necessary for me to maintain my strength during the flight.

* I wish to fly via the Grand Canyon even thought it is not on the way to Oregon and respectfully request that the flight not be rushed to meet artificial deadlines like on time arrival. Birds do not worry about on time arrival during their flights, and neither should we.

* I will not consent to any delays caused by mechanical problems. I’ve done my research and it shows that many mechanical problems are just variations of normal and not a cause for diverting the scheduled take off of the flight.

* If serious mechanical problems develop, I wish to try non-technological methods (walking, breast stimulation, castor oil, sexual intercourse) for making the plane fly before resorting to technological methods.

* Please do not offer warnings of any kind. I am educated and I know that if the pilot says that there is not enough fuel to safely make it to Oregon if we detour over the Grand Canyon during the flight, he is just playing the “dead passenger card.” No doubt he has a tee time at a local golf course in Portland; I will not be rushed just so he can get there sooner.

* I refuse an episiotomy.

* No one is allowed to handle my checked suitcase except my doula or myself. We will retrieve it from the cargo bay ourselves and if the baggage handler feels that he must unload it, he should unload the doula or me from the cargo bay while one of us is holding it.

* The luggage tag should not be cut under any circumstances. I wish to practice delayed tag cutting to allow my suitcase the maximum benefit from continued tag association.

* Please be advised that I am a paying customer and the customer is always right. The pilots, the flight attendants, the mechanics and the baggage handlers are here to serve me.

* If for any reason the pilots feel that they cannot comply with my demands, my doula will fly the plane.She doesn’t have a pilot’s license, but neither do birds and they seem to fly without any problems

Thank you for taking the time to help us achieve our birth flight plan. Our lawyer will be meeting us at the arrival gate ready to sue you if anything goes wrong.

  • sdsures

    I can’t decide which point is my favourite! LOL

  • <delurk>
    You and your commenters are cracking me up over here!
    <relurk>

  • Bombshellrisa

    OT: the story about the breastfed, homebirthed babies who were removed from their home http://www.king5.com/story/news/local/bellingham/2014/12/03/bellingham-couple-fights-cps-custody-home-birth-natural-remedies/19819989/
    Looks like an unassisted homebirth and no prenatal care, not even an ultrasound because they had no idea they were carrying twins.

    • GiddyUpGo123

      There’s got to be more to it than we’re being told in that article. CPS doesn’t take kids away just because they didn’t get prenatal care and have untreated eczema. If so, their community’s CPS has way different standards than the usual “keep families together at all costs, even in the case of obvious abuse and parents who can’t stay off drugs.” Of course these parents aren’t going to tell reporters, “Well yes, Angel Fluffy Love does have eczema that we’re treating with powdered unicorn horn but there’s also that part where we believe children should be raised naked and living outdoors in a rock shelter and they should have to pick wild berries and hunt squirrels for sustenance just as our ancestors did, maybe that had something to do with it.”

      • Dr Kitty

        Have you ever seen severe, untreated eczema?
        Those kids are miserable, often covered in running sores from infected scratch marks and red from head to toe.
        For most of them two weeks of wet wraps, a high calorie diet and potent steroids and they will be a different child.
        I would definitely class undertreating severe eczema as neglect.

        • KarenJJ

          http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/baby-gloria-thomass-parents-thomas-and-manju-sam-jailed-for-not-getting-proper-medical-help/story-e6freuy9-1225780501717

          This story was in the news when my infant daughter was diagnosed with eczema. The details of what the little girl suffered were in my nightmares at the time. The paediatric dermatologist that we saw was very careful at making sure that we were aware that eczema was a condition to be managed and not necessarily “cured” as such. I got the impression that she knew a lot more about this case than what was common knowledge and was being very careful with her wording to me.

          • Dr Kitty

            That is the issue.
            Not the fact that the parents chose to use CAM, the fact that they persisted in using CAM and in not seeking conventional treatment when the CAM wasn’t working and the child was clearly getting worse.

            I have, unfortunately, seen undertreated eczema, but the parents came in as soon as it was clear that things were getting worse despite the exclusion diet and the coconut oil.

            You have a right to choose CAM over allopathic treatment for your child. You do NOT have a right to persist with ineffective CAM treatments if they are suffering, especially if conventional treatments are aafe and effective.

            Don’t even get me started on the Chinese herbal treatments that were actually found to contain dangerously high levels of steroids.

          • KarenJJ

            Actually, that wouldn’t surprise me at all and possibly answers something. I have an underlying condition that is sometimes treated with steroids. I’ve tried TCM when trying to get pregnantprior to being diagnosed (it didn’t help me get pregnant) but I do think something in the Chinese medicine helped a little – not as much as the biologics medication I’m on now – but a little. Interesting.

          • Young CC Prof

            About once a week, the FDA recalls one or another “herbal remedy” because it contains effective doses of a prescription drug. Generally, the folks buying the remedy were either already taking that drug or trying to avoid taking it.

          • EmbraceYourInnerCrone

            This is one of my pet peeves. If something (a plant, fungus, animal secretion, etc) works as a treatment for a disease generally researchers and or companies do some actual testing and if it works(hopefully without bad side effects) it gets put into production. Examples:
            Foxglove also know as Digitalis, Rosy periwinkle one of the first chemo treatments for childhood leukemia, Curare, used as a blowgun poison by Amazonian tribes in hunting, it is also used in the treament of myasthenia gravis. All of these drugs are useful, all came from “nature” and all of them can be extremely dangerous if used in the wrong dosage or without a knowledge of the patients other meds.
            So why do people insist that some unregulated, untested “herbal” cure or tea or whatever is safe.
            You know what they call alternative/herbal medicine that has been tested and works? Medicine

          • KarenJJ

            Taking TCM or herbal treatments is not my normal modus operandi, but being desperate, impatient and not getting answers/feeling like I was being fobbed off by medical doctors, led me down that path. Ah well – know better, do better. I get excellent medical care now and the doctors we see are very caring and listen to what is going on – I am very happy to finally have answers.

          • GiddyUpGo123

            I had no idea eczema could actually kill you. My daughter had it until she was about 18 months old, but it was mild and we treated it with some cream we got from the pedi, and by switching to a irritant free laundry soap (which I don’t even know if that had anything to do with fixing the problem). Anyway by 18 months it was gone. If I’d read that story during that time, I probably would have freaked out.

        • Mishimoo

          My little brother has it pretty bad, he was frequently miserable as a kid. He mostly has it under control as an adult, and puts it down to luck and a less stressful environment. I completely agree that not treating it properly is neglect.

        • moto_librarian

          As someone who has frequent bouts of eczema and seen both of her sons deal with it as infants, I simply cannot fathom how anyone would purposely not treat it! The misery of the itching, the pain from torn skin and scratching, etc. is utter misery.

        • GiddyUpGo123

          I have not seen severe untreated eczema and that certainly sounds like it could explain things. I just find it really suspect when I hear parents say, “CPS took my kids away for no reason!” Of course they had a reason. I have a friend who works with families in that system and I know that CPS has a lot of problems, but it’s the opposite of “taking kids away for no reason.” If anything, it’s reuniting families that shouldn’t be reunited, not the other way around. CPS has really serious budgeting issues, and believe me they don’t want to have kids in the system that don’t belong there.

      • Bombshellrisa

        These people sound a little off in their interview and a google and court search reveal that mom Erica has been in jail in the past year for burglary and has been in court for harassing someone (not her partner). It did mention that there had been calls to the police for domestic issues in the past year too. Makes me wonder if she chose to have the babies at home because she thought they would get taken away if she had them in a hospital.

        • Amy M

          The article said something about the son having pneumonia. If that’s true, then its outright neglect. It wouldn’t shock me if the older son was malnourished also (lets take bets on how long she exclusively breastfed before introducing solids).

          • GiddyUpGo123

            The article implied that he got pneumonia while in foster care, but I would not be surprised if he at least had the beginnings of it at home.

          • Bombshellrisa

            I wonder that too since she was breastfeeding all three babies, although it was a stipulation from CPS that she supplement with formula because all three kids were not gaining weight. Also there was the elimination diet thing so I wonder if anyone was healthy in that house and getting properly fed.

          • lynsey

            Why is pneumonia outright neglect? Just wondering as my son had it 15 years ago.

          • Young CC Prof

            A child with pneumonia isn’t a sign of neglect. A child with UNTREATED pneumonia most certainly is, assuming he had symptoms before being removed.

    • Dr Kitty

      Deciding to spend the rest of your lives together a few hours hours after meeting, living in a “surrendered marriage” arrangement (without a legal marriage), getting pregnant within weeks of your first child’s birth and then going without prenatal care, refusing medical assessment of newborn (surprise!) twins, breastfeeding three babies under 1, choosing CAM to manage eczema without success and then refusing allopathic medicine…nope, no red flags here, move it along…

      Come at it from the other end.
      If something had happened to one of the kids, would CPS be getting dragged over the coals for missing obvious concerning signs?

      • Bombshellrisa

        CPS in our state (same state, different area) has missed severe neglect, there were two babies who starved to death even with CPS visiting the family, another case where severe abuse was happening to adopted children and one died. They might be more vigilant now and just looking at what the parents said in this article does set off alarm bells.

  • Sue

    I’ve been on planes plenty of times! I’m gonna fly too!

  • The Bofa on the Sofa

    Come on, Karen Black piloted a plane with a hole in the friggin cockpit and it turned out just fine.

    And when Captain Oveur, and co-pilots Roger Murdock and Victor came sick, Otto stepped in. Until he started deflating when Elaine Dickinson gave him a blow job. There’s a lesson there.

    And Ted Striker as able to land the plane despite his drinking problem.

    I saw it on TV.

    (hey, if we can reference ER, we can certainly reference Airport 75 and Airplane)

    (but I don’t think I’ll ever get over Macho Grande)

    • Samantha06

      And don’t forget about good old Petroni from Airport 75!

    • namaste863

      HA, I absolutely LOVE that movie! One of my all time favorites!

    • Amy M

      Excuse me, stewardess! I speak jive. (Airplane is one of my all time favorite movies ever, and I can probably quote most of it.)

      • The Bofa on the Sofa

        Tell me, Johnny, what’s all happened up til now?
        Well first the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came. But they all got too big and fat and turned to oil. And then the Arabs came, and they all drove Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di’s clothing. I couldn’t believe it! He went right into her closet….

        • The Bofa on the Sofa

          Ooooo, white sale at Penneys!

          • Amy M

            Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

          • Roadstergal

            Do you like movies about gladiators?

  • Bombshellrisa

    Turbulence is a variation of normal, I do not want the pilot intervening. Planes hit turbulence all the time and it’s only when the pilot uses interventions that there are issues.
    We have been watching the old “Twilight Zone” series and we just watched the one about the flight that goes back in time. Robert Stack as a pilot could surely tell these chicks with a notarized plan where they could stick it.

    • Roadstergal

      I don’t want anyone warning me about turbulence. Then they’ll try to push interventions like seatbelts on me, and that’s the cascade that leads to a crash. Haven’t you heard all of the stories where it starts with making you put on seatbelts, then the oxygen masks come down, then the brace positions, and then you crash? If it hadn’t been for that cascade, they wouldn’t have crashed.

      • Bombshellrisa

        You know how many times those interventions are used unnecessarily? People should be allowed to get up and walk around or curl up in their seats or whatever position they find comfortable, it’s the restrictive policies of the airlines that make flights uncomfortable. In fact, I am sure it’s because people aren’t allowed to walk around or sit in the most comfortable position that the plane hits the turbulence in the first place.

      • Samantha06

        And let’s not do any kind of preventive maintenance that might find an issue with the planes mechanics, because then there will be more interventions which probably won’t fix any problems anyway.. It’s better to just ignore that, get in the plane, and use affirmations and positive thinking to make it fly safely. The most important thing is trusting flight and trusting your plane!

        • Bombshellrisa

          Planes are perfectly designed to fly safely.

          • KarenJJ

            Gravity is natural.

          • Bombshellrisa

            People have been flying for a long time now, and there is still a human race. If it were really dangerous, humans would be extinct by now.

          • RKD314

            True, some planes just aren’t meant to fly.

          • Samantha06

            So true. And some passengers just aren’t meant to live either.

          • Samantha06

            Exactly!

        • araikwao

          My plane is not a lemon!

          • Samantha06

            No planes are lemons.. and that’s why they just don’t need all that pesky maintenance that might lead to more interventions..

    • SporkParade

      Is it bad that I was just thinking about that episode after reading the article? And is it worse that it bothers me that they go back in time and downstate NY is exactly the same geologically despite the fact that the airport they are trying to land at is on a terminal murrain created during the last ice age, which is to say, after the dinosaurs were long extinct?
      Also, I think we need to bring the William Shatner plane episode into this somehow.

      • Bombshellrisa

        I got the DVD boxed set last year from my husband as an anniversary gift-I had watched that episode while eating lunch! They were calling Moncton, which I thought is more East so I don’t know how they ended up in New York. The William Shatner airplane one has got to be one of my most favorites and I am sure there is some application to this piece in it.

        • SporkParade

          I thought they were heading to Idlewild Airport, no?

          • Bombshellrisa

            They did end up calling and getting Idlewild, I just remember Moncton because I have watched entirely too much “Trailer Park Boys”.

  • Zoey

    For my flight plan, I demand to spend the entire plane ride (including take off and landing) immersed in a kiddie pool full of water. The flight attendants will be expected to ensure the water is warm for the duration of the flight and to clean any solids out of the pool in case I choose not to get out to relive myself.

  • Hannah

    ‘* I refuse perineal shaving or an enema before take off.’

    Bahahaha. I think I just died.

  • Amy M

    Man, its been a while since she’s been on a plane. The last time they required shaving and enemas before takeoff was 1973.

    Meanwhile, what about when the weather is bad and the plane can’t take off, but going by car is an option? Is car travel truly travel? Can someone who traveled by car really call herself a tourist?

    • Roadstergal

      My flight was cancelled and I had to drive. I’m going to take a trip for no other reason than to have a ‘healing flight.’

      • Young CC Prof

        In all seriousness, a healing flight is so much more reasonable than a healing birth that there’s no comparison.

        • Roadstergal

          Very true.

      • Stacy48918

        Helps when the healing flight is free…..

        Bet none of these midwives are offering their services for free because the previous birth was F-ed.

  • sdsures

    Love it.

  • Mom of 2

    Well. That was awesome.

  • Bugsy

    Wait…are there women out there who actually use sexual intercourse during L&D as a way to speed it up? Yikes!!!

    • Stacy48918

      Yes there are.

      I remember reading one – I think it was a Lisa Barrett client and I think posted on SOB. Pregnant with twins. Pushed one baby out. 1 hour wait with no baby 2, went and had sex to try and speed things up. ACK!

      • Vg2010

        what happened to the second child?

        • Stacy48918

          I think it lived. Surprisingly enough.

          • Vg2010

            The more I read about situations like this, the more I realize we take for granted how bad living conditions were before we had hospitals and advanced levels of medical care (and I say this as someone who thinks Western Medicine still has a lot of room to go).
            Some people need a trip to a developing country, any area with little medical care – then we can talk about approaching life in a natural way

          • Stacy48918

            Well, I say “surprisingly enough” not so much because of the twins but because of Lisa Barrett’s influence. She has a track record of killing second twins at homebirth.

          • Vg2010

            I don’t know what’s worse – my assumption or your clarification – but hey! the mom must have felt REALLY empowered during that birth!

          • GiddyUpGo123

            I enjoyed the bit where she started to worry that if things went south Lisa Barrett’s reputation might be at stake. I’m pretty sure there’s not a whole lot that could happen that would make that woman’s reputation worse than it already is.

      • Amy M
        • Stacy48918

          That’s it. Thanks!

        • Vg2010

          oh dear! I am having rage attacks reading this!

          “Peri-natal psychologists and midwives I’ve talked to have all found that quite often babies who are dragged into life by their legs and arms as in the case of caesareans, or induced to be born at more convenient times, set up life patterns of feeling like they’re being dragged through life against their will. Like they’re never on time to do the right thing, and that people around them are always overshadowing them and making decisions for them against their will. It seems quite stunning to me in the light of such logical conclusions about how birth sets us up for life, that we do anything apart from gentle welcomes to the world, with the mother, baby and family all being respectfully honoured in their journey”

          As a section baby, I resent beinh told that I feel like Im being dragged through life against my will.

          • Amy M

            Oh these people are ridiculous. They make up any old crap to suit their agenda. I have identical twins, and every time I hear of a twin homebirth story, even if everything turned out ok, I get really angry. I know first hand how risky an ID twin pregnancy is, and that these idiots decide to put blinders on for their ideology, at the expense of safety…ugh. They insist that twins are “just a variation of normal” and its all fun and games until somebody dies, and we’ve seen our share of those tragic stories around here. The babies in that story above are lucky to be alive, especially the second one.

            I would suspect that anyone would behave that way during birth is not keen on conventional medical care, so I hope those kids don’t contract any fatal diseases and die because Mom and Dad are morons and can’t be bothered to take them to a doctor or give them modern (safe, effective) treatments.

          • Vg2010

            I love that she talks about feeling fear during her 49-hr labour (around hr 40-42) and instead of saying felt fear my baby would die because i couldnt get him/her out – she says I felt fear as a result of a csection 21 months before.. Good thing her midwife was there to tell her that sometimes csections happen to good people – it wasnt her fault she was medically raped..

          • just me

            These are the fools who don’t vax their kids.

          • SporkParade

            My husband was a premature surprise second twin (fraternal, not identical) delivered in an unmedicated vaginal birth. Our attitude when our baby was born could best be described as, “Give us interventions! Give us all the interventions!”

          • Young CC Prof

            Actually, my HS boyfriend was a surprise identical twin. They claim they don’t know which of them was first, though, because everything got so crazy when the doctor realized there was another baby trying to get out. (And this makes a whole lot more sense to me now than it did when I was sixteen.)

          • Cobalt

            I was born premature, but am more likely to be running late than arriving early.

          • Medwife

            It’s your soul’s attempt to balance the unfairness of your early birth.

        • Cobalt

          “Ever seen that birthing scene in Absolutely Fabulous? Where Adina’s friend was birthing in a room with people speaking beat poetry, playing music, and generally being very hippy?? Well I felt like Max’s birth was a lot like that.”

          I don’t think she understands how much of AbFab is satire.

          • Bombshellrisa

            I thought that scene was from the episode “Birth” and it was Patsy’s birth, not Edina’s friend giving birth. Also the episode where Saffron’s midwife tells it like it is about birth made me laugh so hard!

          • Haha! I just saw this comment after writing the one above.

          • Cobalt

            The show is hilarious and brilliant and awful. I love watching, but I wouldn’t aspire to live it.

          • Reminds me of the flash-back to Patsy’s birth…her mom in a room with music, booze and drugs…very psychedelic! The best is after she effortlessly pushes baby Pats out, she turns and says, “Take it away, and bring me another lover.”

            Ha! I love that show.

        • Bugsy

          Oh. My. Gosh.

          My favourite part of this TMI blog was reading that the midwife went to do research on twin births _in the middle_ of her labour. Not someone I would want attending my L&D, that’s for sure.

          • Vg2010

            not sure bugsy… i particularly enjoyed the fact that she was enlightened in the middle of labor to the fact that her csection has made her less sanctimonious (when just before she was writing about how csection kids are dragged through life)…. also priceless, her acupuncturist told her the child had a strong aura and wanted a different birthday 😉

        • GiddyUpGo123

          Wait … Balthazar? As in, the Smurf or the demon from that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

          • The Bofa on the Sofa

            Isn’t Balthazar one of the three wise men?

            “Dad repainted the Wise Men? Well, is Balthazar still black?” – Woody, from Cheers

      • Samantha06

        Is this the one that took 48 hours or so for the second twin to deliver?

      • Kate

        That story never fails to shock me. My grandmother and her twin were born 2 days apart, unassisted…in 1939. But that was due to lack of access to medical care, and everyone is well aware of how lucky they were that all went well.

      • anotheramy

        There were so many moments in this story where someone, anyone! Should’ve came to their senses and recommended mom go to the hospital. Starting with all mom’s risk factors: twins, history of csection, advanced maternal age, no ultrasound during pregnancy. Good Lord. I really hope both babies are OK after that.
        On a lighter note, can you IMAGINE having sex and walking so much right after delivery, knowing you’ll have to push out another baby soon?! Ouch. Good thing she avoided pitocin, since that makes labor more painful.

        • V

          I went back and re-read this crazy story. She posted this “to all the hater minions”:

          P.P.S. If you’re one of the hater minions, come to get titillated about the sentence “taking Currawong off into the back room for a quick fix of sex and semen”, after having visited the anti-life, anti-diversity, anti-everything pages that are so fixated on their smutty assumptions that Currawong and I were having sex whilst I had ‘an umbilical cord hanging out of me’………I was trying to be polite by putting it like I did above, but if you really want the graphic details………me and Currawong went into the back room and I gave him a blow job, because as midwives have known for a very long time, there’s an agent in sperm that brings on labour. Hence the advice since time immemorial to have sex to bring on birth. In fact, this sperm trick is so potent, that Picotin, which they give you in hospitals to induce labour, contains pig sperm for the very same reason. Now if you’re gonna call me a freak because I preferred my lovers sperm (and it doesn’t matter how it’s ingested, hence the blow job) to that of a pig that I hadn’t even made the acquaintance of……..then I’m happy for you to think me a freak, cause I think anyone that prefers pig sperm to their partners is a bit freaky myself.

          How about you go out and get yourself a life that you love instead of spending your energy trying to let people know all about your secrets and shadows and how in denial of it you are?

          P.P.P.S. And if you’re not a hater minion…..hope you’re enjoying the story 🙂

          • Cobalt

            Pig sperm? I can’t even…

          • Roadstergal

            If I find that midwives aren’t capitalizing on this with Encapsulated Sperm, I will be disappointed.

            Pig sperm in pitocin. I can’t even, either. But I’ll leave this here anyway.
            http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/50/does-a-pig-have-a-corkscrew-shaped-penis

          • demodocus’ spouse

            What if your dear husband has no sperm? I guess you’re up a creek, then. After all, IVF is also unnatural. Your husband’s testes ought to just *know* when sperm is needed

          • Samantha06

            O. M. G….

    • Roadstergal

      I’ve definitely heard that one from my NCB-lovin’ friend.

    • MaineJen

      Or as a way to bring on labor.

      • Who?

        A midwife suggested that with no2, I felt so bad for my poor husband-it was really hot, we were living in a two up two down with a toddler in the room on the other side of the stairs and my parents sleeping directly below-on the ground floor-on a mattress. And I was the size of a planet.

        So we waited her out.

  • Susan

    Dead passenger card… I think that’s the best line!

  • Dr Kitty

    “Please notify me if seatbelt use becomes necessary and I will return to my seat to let the flight attendant buckle my seatbelt no more than 45 seconds before an impending crash.”

    Yup..sounds about right.

  • Paula

    “She doesn’t have a pilot’s license, but neither do birds and they seem to fly without any problems.” Perfect!

    • Young CC Prof

      Says someone who’s never seen a sparrow crash into a window pane.

      • EmbraceYourInnerCrone

        But windowpanes aren’t natural! They are an un-natural intervention…And the sparrow just didn’t trust feathers enough!

  • Allie P

    HA.