Amazing new miracle cure: raw communication!!

13796842_s

Forget organic vegetables. Forget raw milk. Scientists have made a revolutionary new discovery of an amazing miracle cure: raw communication!

That’s right, folks, raw communication reduces death rates from cancer, heart disease, immune disorders and pregnancy! But wait, there’s more! Raw communication prevents pertussis, measles and a host of other diseases! And — this is the best part — it even prevents autism!

What is raw communication?

According to Professor Cy N. Tist, raw communication is communication as nature intended.

Tist explains that human beings were designed to communicate by speech, face to face. Communication over long distances, especially using technology is unnatural and demonstrably dangerous.

The chief health risks come from blogs, Facebook pages and message boards, 3 profoundly unnatural ways to receive information. The technology itself is implicated with easy access to computers, hand held devices and wi-fi being the biggest risk factors. Studies show that diseases like autism have increased dramatically, in direct proportion to the equally dramatic increase in alternative health bloggers.

Don’t believe me? Check out the three graphs below:

autism cases

pertussis cases

homebirth deaths

In each case — autism caused by vaccines, pertussis and homebirth deaths — the incidence of the health complication rises in direct correlation with the number of alternative health blogs found on the internet.

If that isn’t proof, I don’t know what is!

Prof. Tist has shown that both producers and consumers of artificial communication are harmed. That’s a critical point. Not only do those who blog, message and Facebook post about alternative health experience an increase in these diseases, but those who read the blogs, messages and Facebook posts do too.

Big Business knows all about the close association between artificial communication and deadly health problems, but they profit from charging huge fees for internet access so there’s no way they will be honest about the connection. Think of the amount of money they would lose if consumers of alternative health learned about the dangers of blogs, message boards, and Facebook posts. It’s hardly surprising that Big Business does not want you to know about the benefits of raw communication.

But you don’t have to be one of the unfortunate sheeple who get their health information from artificial communication.

Here’s an example:

How should you decide whether to vaccinate your children?

You could rely on alternative health bloggers and B-movie starlets like Jenny McCarthy, but that’s artificial communication and leads to an increase in cases of pertussis, measles and other vaccine preventable illness. OR, you could engage in raw communication, direct face to face communication with a doctor. It’s pretty obvious that raw communication is far safer than highly processed, high tech internet communication.

If you want to see a dramatic increase in your health and longevity, resolve to consume only raw communication. Raw communication is 100% natural, from their lips to your ears communication. Of course, if you need to communicate over long distances, you can shout or, for really long distances you can use a low tech alternative: two paper cups connected by a string.

Try raw communication for one month. You will save hundreds of dollars on internet fees, computers and mobile devices AND your health will improve.

Forget homeopathy. Forget chiropractic. Switch to all natural raw communication and start improving your health today!

  • Felicitasz

    Haven’t been here for a while (too busy etc.) but I discover I still love you…
    <3

  • Who?

    A nice example of badly biassed communication and the author having her arse handed to her:

    http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/may/22/caesarean-rates-are-too-high-we-should-not-treat-birth-as-a-medical-procedure

    • Dr Kitty

      Um…thanks for that?
      I think between the article itself and the supportive commenters, my blood pressure is up!

      OT: appointment with my NHS midwife today. Totally supportive of my desire not to VBAC “at the first twinge of labour, you go up to the maternity unit like a rocket and get that operating theatre booked girl!”

      Baby and I are both well, and being boringly normal (apart from baby currently lying transverse with its back to mine and playing a game of “let’s see how hard I can poke mum with each of my extremities in turn”).

      • Montserrat Blanco

        I am really glad that you are doing so well. Enjoy those baby kicks!

      • The Computer Ate My Nym

        Yay for healthy pregnancy!

      • What week are you in?

        • Dr Kitty

          Almost 26.
          Time flying in.
          Once I hit 24weeks I starting getting things down from the attic and working out what needed cleaned, what needed repaired and what needed trashed.
          Bigger job than I anticipated!

          • Sarah

            It always is…

      • Mattie

        that’s great you’re being listened to, and am I right in thinking you were suffering with hyperemesis, are you feeling better now?

  • Sue

    I love the irony of the Paleo-obsessed anti-EMR ppl blogging about it over the internet on their smart devices.

  • Alex Tulchner

    I’m really hoping one of these days you post about the fact that breastfeeding obviously causes autism. Not only have both risen dramatically in the past decades, but both are more prevalent among whites than blacks. These facts together prove an ironclad causal connection, and it’s about time you educated the public!

  • namaste863

    What if you communicate by Sign? Does that count as “Raw” communication? After all, I and other Deaf people communicate via hands to eyes rather than mouth to ears, since our ears are only good for sporting earrings!

    • demodocus

      Clearly you aren’t thinking positively enough that your ears will get better. Oh, and I sell some lovely rosemary-and-thistle essential oil that will completely cure you!
      >sarcasm, in case you weren’t sure 😉

    • Have you tried Jesus? I heard that works miracles.

      (rimshot)

    • Make sure they are gorgeous earrings.

    • KarenJJ

      Absolutely, as long as you don’t wear hearing aids – aka artificial communication tools of big biotech.

      • namaste863

        Oh, snap. I guess I’d better pass that one along to my friends with cochlear implants.

  • Bugsy

    Very entertaining – thanks for a great read!

  • Amy M

    Hahaha! Love the graphs and the bit about the paper cups.