Honor your yoni!

image

You can’t make this stuff up!

From Tribe de Mama:

Yoni. An all encompassing name for our sacred portal. Vagina, clit, labia, lips, g spot, womb…

A portal of power & wisdom. We are here to help one another birth a new way of being. A new way of honoring. We must take the time to honour our temples, our yoni’s, this sacred portal. A space from which we can tap into our innate power as women.

Really? Really??!!

I nominate this for most nonsense ever squeezed into the space of one paragraph:

[pullquote align=”right” color=”#A76678″]Embrace it, the hair, smell, touch, taste, all of it. Celebrate it in your own unique way![/pullquote]

When we honor our bodies & our wombs we attract lovers who honour us as well on this journey through our awakenings. May we be unafraid of our own power, our own bodies. May we bask in the radiance & pleasure that we so rightly deserve as women in this lifetime. May we heal it for ourselves, for our families, our partners, sisters, children, for the earth. Let us take back & realize our own power.

But what if you don’t feel comfortable with your yoni?

Are there past hurts that have happened? Have you not honoured your body the way you so rightly deserve? Allow the questions to come, allow the answers. Hold space for your own feelings & past experiences. Allow them to come up & know that you are safe.We must heal our womb to allow for the love to pour through us. It is there waiting to heal. Our yoni’s deserve our utmost respect, awe & admiration.

How should you honor your own yoni?

– Yoni Steams
– Giving your moon blood back to the earth
– Using cloths pads, organic cotton, or menstrual cups (Our yoni’s are so sensitive & need to be honoured by anything that touches them)
– Yoni egg
– Gentle & natural products when bathing.
– Not allowing entrance or penetration until you are fully aroused & engorged
– Yoni massage
– Place your hand lovingly there & just allow gratitude for it.
– Embrace it, the hair, smell, touch, taste, all of it. Celebrate it in your own unique way!

Thanks, but no thanks. I live in the 21 Century where a woman’s power is not located in her vagina, but in her mind, her character and her actions.

209 Responses to “Honor your yoni!”

  1. SF Mom & Psychologist
    August 5, 2015 at 7:59 pm #

    I call mine… Frankenweenie! (Remember that movie?) Tears and stitches from two vaginal births has left my lady parts a bit… Frankenstein-y.

    • LeighW
      August 8, 2015 at 9:25 pm #

      We’re Frankenvag twins, lol

  2. Wren
    August 5, 2015 at 8:58 am #

    I’m currently recovering from breaking my elbow (well, head of my radius) 2 weeks ago. I’m telling you, elbows deserve more honouring than they get.

    • Nick Sanders
      August 5, 2015 at 1:27 pm #

      Elbows are such drama queens, though. Lightly tap one, and it screams like it’s dying.

      • DelphiniumFalcon
        August 5, 2015 at 1:35 pm #

        Or get it too cold or lean on it too long and it takes the third, fourth, and pinky fingers to numbtown with it.

        • Nick Sanders
          August 5, 2015 at 3:52 pm #

          And half the forearm.

    • Dr Kitty
      August 5, 2015 at 7:20 pm #

      Ohh, not nice!
      Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
      If you broke it in a simple fall and haven’t already, talk to your doctor about whether you should get a bone scan or some calcium and vitamin D supplements.

      I’ve had a few young patients diagnosed with osteoporosis recently.

      • Wren
        August 10, 2015 at 10:59 am #

        Thanks. I broke it in a fairly nasty fall off my bike though.

  3. Brix
    August 5, 2015 at 3:35 am #

    I am very skeeved out by this. And I’m hoping that my vagina does not now have delusions of grandeur.

  4. August 5, 2015 at 2:02 am #

    If only whoever wrote that realized how incredibly ridiculous it sounds. But people who write twaddle like that are generally not known for having a sense of humor.

  5. Zornorph
    August 4, 2015 at 11:04 pm #

    You should hear me wax poetic about my magnificent penis 🙂

    • Brix
      August 5, 2015 at 3:38 am #

      Let’s hear it! I bet it beats this drivel by miles!

  6. Amy
    August 4, 2015 at 10:48 pm #

    Looks like they took some grooming advice from Gwyneth Paltrow now:
    http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/gwyneth-paltrow-women-steam-vaginas-article-1.2096571

    Do I even want to know what a “yoni egg” is?

    I do want to know if one side effect of “yoni honor” is the inability to distinguish between plurals and possessives. (Or is that plural’s and possessive’s?)

    • Zornorph
      August 4, 2015 at 11:05 pm #

      I assume they shove a raw egg up there until it’s hard boiled.

      • KarenJJ
        August 4, 2015 at 11:18 pm #

        Yeah – who’s game to google that one?

        • RMY
          August 4, 2015 at 11:41 pm #

          Not me! I like not getting crunchy weird ads.

          • SporkParade
            August 5, 2015 at 2:04 am #

            It’s not all that exciting. It’s just an egg-shaped stone that you stick up there, ostensibly to tone the muscles or something.

    • Ardea
      August 9, 2015 at 1:38 am #

      Here’s an article about it! (If I unblock my sister-in-law on facebook, maybe I’ll even see a post from her about these, she’s always posting about sacred feminine stuff…)

      http://www.mysticalfemininity.com/blog/yoni-egg-the-secret-feminine-weapon/

  7. Bombshellrisa
    August 4, 2015 at 10:06 pm #

    Sometimes I wonder about the backgrounds of the women who initiate and perpetuate talking about yonis and insisting on throwing them festivals. I know that one of things that drew me to this crowd was that it was so different than my own super conservative homeschooling, never teach sex education way that I was raised. Initially having women around me that weren’t so repressed as I was used to was liberating. If you have always heard masturbation referred to as “self abuse” and you are made to feel shameful about your genitals, people who are open about both are a relief to be around. You might find yourself trying to “help” others adopt the same view. Being able to see both sides now has helped me not be a yoni cupcake maker, there are other ways to help women not feel shameful about their bodies.

  8. Allie
    August 4, 2015 at 10:02 pm #

    Is anyone else picturing a weird looking guy with long hair and a pan flute serenading their hoo-ha?

    • Amy
      August 4, 2015 at 10:49 pm #

      A SNAG!

      (That’s Sensitive New Age Guy.)

    • Zornorph
      August 4, 2015 at 11:06 pm #

      I don’t think Gheorghe Zamfir would ever do that.

    • Brix
      August 5, 2015 at 3:51 am #

      Well, I wasn’t. But I am now. And it is glorious!

  9. Guesty
    August 4, 2015 at 9:51 pm #

    Probably the most poetic words I’ve ever read about my cooter.

  10. CanDoc
    August 4, 2015 at 9:33 pm #

    Wow. I had no idea my vagina was so magical. Thus far, for me, it’s been recreational, functional, and occasionally inconvenient…. and 90% of the time, NOT ON MY MIND AT ALL.
    (But seriously, can you imagine if a man wrote the same thing about self-worship of his penis, scrotum and testicles?)

    • Amy
      August 4, 2015 at 10:49 pm #

      No writing required. Look at the skyline of any major city– penis worship at its finest 🙂

      • The Bofa on the Sofa
        August 5, 2015 at 7:58 am #

        As an old friend used to say….”Anything taller than it is wide is a phallic symbol. And anything wider than it is tall is a phallic symbol…on its side.”

        • DelphiniumFalcon
          August 5, 2015 at 10:24 am #

          Someone made a handy chart for discerning these symbols!

        • Kelly
          August 5, 2015 at 12:11 pm #

          Why do you think my husband made everything a freakin phallic symbol when we went to England? Every cannon he could find became a phallic symbol. I was the nice wife who took all the stupid pictures. Can’t wait to show my kids when they are a lot older to show how immature he is. They sound just as immature as high school boys.

          • demodocus
            August 5, 2015 at 1:03 pm #

            ‘Though to be fair, that cucumber building…

          • The Bofa on the Sofa
            August 5, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

            Huh. When we went to the fortresses in Canada with the big cannons, my wife was the one who sat on them….

  11. Sue
    August 4, 2015 at 9:12 pm #

    I have trouble endowing my “womb” with so much significance. It’s a muscular organ that doesn’t secrete hormones. It sheds its lining when not pregnant, then grows it again. Other bits maybe, but my uterus?

  12. momofone
    August 4, 2015 at 7:00 pm #

    Do I want to know what a yoni egg is?

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      August 5, 2015 at 8:00 am #

      I’ll just quote what Matti wrote below (mainly because I love to quote Matti because she’s awesome):

      “Had to google what a yoni egg was, now I unfortunately know what a yoni egg is.”

  13. demodocus
    August 4, 2015 at 5:46 pm #

    If my “yoni” needs the utmost awe and respect and admiration, what about my thumb? So many uses, security blanket for my toddlerself, holding my pencils, useful handhold for helping small boys down the stairs, helps make dinner, and so many other things! Plus, it’s kind of cute, and rather fine boned considering the rest of my person.

  14. Tara Coombs Lohman
    August 4, 2015 at 4:49 pm #

    Yoni Steams? What in the Sam Hill is that? If my yoni is steaming, I’m off looking for a shower and some Dial, pronto.

  15. sdsures
    August 4, 2015 at 4:47 pm #

    Love the picture!

    As for the “Tribe de Mama”, I find it terribly worrying that they do not address the fears or problems that many women have as a result of sexual abuse or rape. It must be their fault; they have not honoured their body in the correct way. *sarcasm*

    “Are there past hurts that have happened? Have you not honoured your body the way you so rightly deserve? Allow the questions to come, allow the answers. Hold space for your own feelings & past experiences. Allow them to come up & know that you are safe.We must heal our womb to allow for the love to pour through us. It is there waiting to heal. Our yoni’s deserve our utmost respect, awe & admiration.”

    “Past hurts”? What is this, second grade-level writing?

    • Mishimoo
      August 4, 2015 at 7:26 pm #

      That paragraph reeks of victim-blaming! I’m glad it’s not just me looking at it critically.

      • Amy M
        August 5, 2015 at 3:05 pm #

        Yeah, more like someone else didn’t honour her body as she deserved….grrrrr

  16. yugaya
    August 4, 2015 at 4:39 pm #

    I always thought that having the informal phrase ” to think with one’s dick” for male gender and lack a female equivalent of it was kind of sexist. Well at least this ” collective of goddesses” is good for updating urban dictionary.

    If it isn’t in there already I’m off to add the phrase “to think with one’s yoni” and list Tribe the Mama as example.

    • demodocus
      August 4, 2015 at 5:41 pm #

      In my family, we tended to us “think with one’s gonads” for that reason

      • The Bofa on the Sofa
        August 5, 2015 at 8:01 am #

        But I’ve never heard anyone think it is virtuous.

  17. DelphiniumFalcon
    August 4, 2015 at 3:49 pm #

    I’m also convinced these people don’t play video games.

    People who play video games don’t trust portals. Never know when it’s going to spit you out on to the boss in mook’s clothing island.

    We do, however, think with portals.

    • Sarah
      August 4, 2015 at 4:04 pm #

      We also don’t trust cake.

        • Spamamander
          August 4, 2015 at 7:29 pm #

          I had my daughter’s high school graduation cake inscribed with “This is not a lie”. The baker was terribly confused.

          • Azuran
            August 6, 2015 at 10:21 am #

            For my SO’s birthday last year, we removed the cake from the cake box and instead put a letter in it with ‘the cake is a lie’ inside the box.

        • yentavegan
          August 6, 2015 at 9:31 am #

          please explain the joke. I don’t get it.

          • DelphiniumFalcon
            August 6, 2015 at 3:55 pm #

            “The cake is a lie” is from a videogame called Portal where you are running experiments in a lab headed by a not quite sane AI. Said AI promises delicious cake at the conclusion of the trials. However as you progress through the levels and retrace the steps of previous subjects it appears you will never achieve success and enjoy said delicious cake as the previous subject has scratched into the walls “The cake is a lie!” This became memetic in the video game community and has persisted over the years.

            As for the picture lye, or sodium hydroxide, is a caustic alkaline substance that can be used for soap making. As lye and lie are pronounced the same “the cake is a lye” is playing on this. And that eating a cake of lye would not be healthy for you.

          • yentavegan
            August 6, 2015 at 6:20 pm #

            thanks

    • Nick Sanders
      August 4, 2015 at 4:22 pm #

      I see someone reads TvTropes.

      • DelphiniumFalcon
        August 4, 2015 at 4:33 pm #

        TVTropes has ruined my vocabulary.

    • JellyCat
      August 4, 2015 at 4:51 pm #

      Not portals, portholes!

  18. yentavegan
    August 4, 2015 at 3:38 pm #

    We are more than just the sum total of our body parts. And grown-ups call their genitals by socially accepted names. Yoni is not one.

    • Zornorph
      August 4, 2015 at 11:09 pm #

      Yoni is the dead brother of the Israeli prime minister.

  19. Laura
    August 4, 2015 at 3:30 pm #

    I honor my “yoni” by not being obsessed with it. This level of obsession for any other body part would be considered pathological.

    • DelphiniumFalcon
      August 4, 2015 at 3:35 pm #

      And here we have the root cause of the squick from this obsession and why intactivists come off as such loonies!

  20. Megan
    August 4, 2015 at 3:16 pm #

    Should we all make yoni cupcakes to celebrate? (Mmm, cupcakes…)

    • Nick Sanders
      August 4, 2015 at 3:17 pm #

      Oh man, that reminds me, have you seen those creepy childbirth cakes?

      • Megan
        August 4, 2015 at 3:21 pm #

        Ugh yes. we joked about them while planning my baby shower last year. Some are horrifying.

      • Megan
        August 4, 2015 at 3:26 pm #

        Actually if you’ve never had a look, this website is pretty amusing:
        http://www.cakewrecks.com

        • Nick Sanders
          August 4, 2015 at 3:28 pm #

          I’ve been there in the past. :p It’s where I saw several of them.

  21. namaste863
    August 4, 2015 at 3:14 pm #

    That must be some potent weed she’s smoking. in the immortal words of Estelle Reiner, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

  22. Liz Leyden
    August 4, 2015 at 2:47 pm #

    Does anyone else think “Yoni” sounds like a female yoga instructor?

    • demodocus
      August 4, 2015 at 2:49 pm #

      I think of the singer Yonni, but that works too, lol

      • Liz Leyden
        August 4, 2015 at 2:50 pm #

        Yanni, the Greek whose songs come in 2 flavors (“soap opera theme” or “Macguyver”)?

        • demodocus
          August 4, 2015 at 3:04 pm #

          Yup, that one. Not that I can bring a single one of his songs to mind, but they were all over the airwaves when I was a kid.

          • Zornorph
            August 4, 2015 at 11:12 pm #

            If you played ‘Santorini’, you would recognize it right away.

    • namaste863
      August 4, 2015 at 3:11 pm #

      Actually, that’s exactly what I thought a yoni was, the first time I heard the term.

    • Sue
      August 4, 2015 at 9:17 pm #

      It’s an ancient Sanskrit word – honoured because, you know, people who spoke Sanskrit held women in such high social esteem. Or not.

    • Zornorph
      August 4, 2015 at 11:11 pm #

      Always makes me think of Yoni Netanyahu – the late brother of Israel’s prime minister who was killed in the raid on Entebbe

    • Mattie
      August 5, 2015 at 8:42 am #

      For some reason that makes sense only to my own brain it makes me think of yoghurt.

  23. demodocus
    August 4, 2015 at 2:38 pm #

    Love does not pour out my vagina. What a gross idea.

  24. Rachele Willoughby
    August 4, 2015 at 1:57 pm #

    My sister and I just laughed until we cried. You just can’t make this stuff up.

  25. Squillo
    August 4, 2015 at 1:29 pm #

    I honor mine by having regular gyn exams. My daughter will honor hers when she gets her first HPV shot.

  26. DelphiniumFalcon
    August 4, 2015 at 1:25 pm #

    Well something pours out of there but it sure ain’t love!

    I’d really appreciate it if it would stop pouring too. Hydrogen peroxide can only do so much with blood stains.

    • Amy M
      August 4, 2015 at 1:43 pm #

      So, if I use OxyClean to get out “moon” blood stains, is that dishonourable?

      • DelphiniumFalcon
        August 4, 2015 at 1:45 pm #

        That sounds like it could have been made from toxic chemicals. You might upset the moon goddesses like Selene and Artemis if you use it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to piss off Artemis.

        • Roadstergal
          August 4, 2015 at 1:47 pm #

          What about MMS?

          • DelphiniumFalcon
            August 4, 2015 at 1:56 pm #

            It’d probably piss off Artemis too. A lot of things piss off Artemis.

          • Taysha
            August 4, 2015 at 2:55 pm #

            Artemis seriously needs to get laid.

          • DelphiniumFalcon
            August 4, 2015 at 3:45 pm #

            You have no idea how hard I laughed at this. XD

          • Roadstergal
            August 4, 2015 at 2:59 pm #

            Man, just when I thought I had found a non-horrific use for MMS.

        • Nick Sanders
          August 4, 2015 at 2:57 pm #

          She does have something of a reputation for excessive punishments.

          • DelphiniumFalcon
            August 4, 2015 at 3:45 pm #

            Pretty much all the Greek Gods did.

            Cheating on me again, Zeus?! Since I can’t kill you I’ll just make your lovers/rape victims suffer horribly!

            Thank you Goddess of Motherhood.

          • Roadstergal
            August 4, 2015 at 4:01 pm #

            I always liked Asclepius. At the risk of ruining one of my childhood heroes, did he ever go nuts on anyone in proper Greek god style?

          • DelphiniumFalcon
            August 4, 2015 at 4:12 pm #

            A cursory Googling says he did not.

            That’s one reason I like Hephaestus. He rarely went nuts on anyone and when he did it was generally lol worthy against the nuttier Gods. Like the God equivalent of gluing Hera to a chair.

            There was the whole Pandora thing though…

          • Nick Sanders
            August 4, 2015 at 4:08 pm #

            Or starting a war because you lost a beauty contest to the Goddess of Love.

          • KeeperOfTheBooks
            August 4, 2015 at 7:53 pm #

            To be fair, that was pretty much a lose-lose situation for Paris and the rest of the mortals. Talk about a guy’s worst nightmare: Hey, you get to choose which of these three goddesses–no, LITERAL goddesses, complete with powers!–is the most beautiful. What could possibly go wrong…?

      • Sue
        August 4, 2015 at 9:22 pm #

        It’s OK if you tip the rinsing water back into the soil….but be careful of dishonoring the soil. SHeesh – this stuff is complicated. Some earth element just gets offended whatever you do!

    • Nick Sanders
      August 4, 2015 at 2:58 pm #

      I’ve heard club soda helps. But I don’t really have many blood stains of my own, so I’ve never tried it.

      • Roadstergal
        August 4, 2015 at 3:06 pm #

        I rub a little dish soap hard into the stain and let it marinate in the hamper. Sometimes it requires two runs through the washer, but it’s worked so far – and good thing, too, I love my yellow jeans.

      • MaineJen
        August 4, 2015 at 3:13 pm #

        Windex.

      • DelphiniumFalcon
        August 4, 2015 at 3:42 pm #

        Probably TMI but some period blood can get a bit thick since it’s not just blood. The peroxide helps break it down a bit so it’ll actually wash out. It’s like the consistency of really cold water about to freeze. Kind of that almost gel like quality.

        Plus peroxide can sometimes get the really, really set in dried stains to lift.

        • Roadstergal
          August 4, 2015 at 3:59 pm #

          Okay, a trial is clearly called for. One of us needs to let our yoni pour unhindered as it was intended to, then divide the stain into thirds, and treat one third with dish soap, one third with peroxide, and one third with Windex.

          • DelphiniumFalcon
            August 4, 2015 at 4:04 pm #

            I’m out with that one. I’m testing out to see if I can get six months period free. I really hate feeling like I got stabbed in the gut and all the blood from the injury took an alternate route out.

            I am going to be doing yard work this weekend though. And I’m the Queen of Falling on the WORST Shit.

            …I have a dog so sometimes it’s literally shit.

          • Cobalt
            August 4, 2015 at 4:32 pm #

            I’ll do the placebo control phase, all my undies are black.

          • Who?
            August 4, 2015 at 6:16 pm #

            Smart.

            My daughter has just transformed her life by acquiring 10 pairs of black ankle socks, and tossing out all her others. Now, despite her chaotic washing arrangements, she never has odd socks.

            It’s the little things that make us happy.

          • Cobalt
            August 4, 2015 at 6:42 pm #

            I did that with my kids. One had solid white, one gray heel/toe and one black. Major quality of life upgrade for me, and now the spare sock box never has more than 3 in it, when it used to be dozens. It really is the little things.

          • Who?
            August 4, 2015 at 7:27 pm #

            We used to call it the dating agency. The socks would go there, sometimes, find their true love, sometimes a good enough match, and sometimes, having searched for a while, they left for far shores, having been unable to find any match at all.

          • Who?
            August 4, 2015 at 6:14 pm #

            Be sure to let us know how that goes…

        • Bombshellrisa
          August 4, 2015 at 8:33 pm #

          Murphy’s Oil soap. Best thing to remove stains on things you can put in a washing machine. Just got a blood stain out of my husbands best white dress shirt (oh grandpa, don’t encourage clumsy 18 month old to run and jump off the curb!) that way

    • Megan
      August 4, 2015 at 3:15 pm #

      Peroxide is the best for blood stains! Learned that trick from a friend who works in a blood bank.

      • DelphiniumFalcon
        August 4, 2015 at 3:39 pm #

        I finally decided to try it on my husband’s white dress shirts after he scratched a skin tag wrong and it bled all over the collar.

        Afterwards I was like “Where have you been all my life?!”

        Spray and wash and hydrogen peroxide are always in my laundry room.

        • Megan
          August 4, 2015 at 3:45 pm #

          Spray and wash, peroxide, Dawn dish soap, oxyclean, dry cleaning solvent and rubbing alcohol. That’s my arsenal. I can get out almost any stain!

          • Mattie
            August 5, 2015 at 8:43 am #

            I’d also add lemon juice, it does wonders on yellowed whites!

    • Amy
      August 4, 2015 at 11:11 pm #

      Lestoil! It’s nasty, it smells horrible, and it gets EVERYTHING out.

      • DelphiniumFalcon
        August 5, 2015 at 10:28 am #

        I may have to invest in some this stuff!

  27. KeeperOfTheBooks
    August 4, 2015 at 1:21 pm #

    Erm…
    You know, I just recently started a new medication. Posting stuff like this is enough to make a person reasonably wonder for a minute or two just what the hell is IN those pills, if truly bizarre hallucinations are a possible side effect, and whether one’s pharmacist has accidentally slipped powdered mushrooms from a private stash into those capsules rather than the blood pressure meds one was expecting.
    *blinks*

    • DelphiniumFalcon
      August 4, 2015 at 1:23 pm #

      See, this is why I don’t do any illegal drugs. I’m already nuts. I don’t need any help getting there.

  28. Sarah
    August 4, 2015 at 12:54 pm #

    I suppose not allowing entrance until you’re fully aroused is a good idea, but am going to pass on the rest.

    • Roadstergal
      August 4, 2015 at 1:14 pm #

      I tried that with my last smear, but the GYN had a lot of appointments that day and didn’t like the lights so low.

      • Sarah
        August 4, 2015 at 2:16 pm #

        You should’ve gone to Ina May.

        • Roadstergal
          August 4, 2015 at 2:59 pm #

          AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

      • momofone
        August 6, 2015 at 8:49 pm #

        I called today to set up my (overdue) annual exam, and I couldn’t help thinking of this–I was tempted to ask for extra time and a room with a dimmer.

  29. Mel
    August 4, 2015 at 12:45 pm #

    Um. No, thanks.

  30. Guest
    August 4, 2015 at 12:23 pm #

    I can’t get passed the grammatical errors.

  31. MLE
    August 4, 2015 at 12:07 pm #

    This was lifted from Portlandia, right?

    • MaineJen
      August 4, 2015 at 12:41 pm #

      The dream of the ’90s is alive!

    • August 4, 2015 at 8:45 pm #

      It sounds like a workshop held by Candace and Toni at Women and Women First.

    • Bombshellrisa
      August 4, 2015 at 8:59 pm #

      The western side of Oregon doesn’t have the monopoly on this stuff, Eastern Oregon is just as bad! I wish there was a show based on La Grande. Imagine “Napoleon Dynamite” and the town and people but all of them are into this kind of woo.

  32. Burgundy
    August 4, 2015 at 12:02 pm #

    “When we honor our bodies & our wombs we attract lovers who honour us as well on this journey through our awakenings.”

    I have an image of a female pimp trying to lured a young naive girl into sex trade.

  33. wookie130
    August 4, 2015 at 11:56 am #

    I honored my yoni by having 2 elective c-sections. My yoni will forever thank me for that one.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      August 4, 2015 at 12:16 pm #

      I’ve honored my wife’s yoni by….

      Wait. Maybe I don’t want to go that direction….

      • sdsures
        August 5, 2015 at 10:19 am #

        *leers at my husband* Dear, it’s time to honor my yoni!”

        • KeeperOfTheBooks
          August 5, 2015 at 10:46 pm #

          To be filed under “things that would make my husband back away slowly with a horrified look on his face”…

  34. Taysha
    August 4, 2015 at 11:54 am #

    These people need a few hours in r/sex

    I rather spend my time making sweet love to a good book than honoring my yoni. I’ll get a lot more out of it.

  35. The Bofa on the Sofa
    August 4, 2015 at 11:28 am #

    I brought this up the other day. If a guy wrote something like this about his penis, what would the response be? “Grow up,” maybe?

    Seriously, as a guy, even _I_ roll my eyes over guys who think they are defined by their penis. Meanwhile, these women try to emulate it.

    • fiftyfifty1
      August 4, 2015 at 11:45 am #

      Dan Savage had a thing about this, sheesh maybe 20 years ago. He thought up some equally trippy-dippy names for his male member. My favorite was The Log of my Wisdom.

      • Rita Rippetoe
        August 4, 2015 at 12:29 pm #

        There is some wonderful (as in really makes you wonder) stuff

        on Regretsy too.

    • Nick Sanders
      August 4, 2015 at 3:01 pm #

      Well, I hear “massage” is pretty popular with most guys.

    • Zornorph
      August 4, 2015 at 11:17 pm #

      Respect the cøck!

  36. Amy M
    August 4, 2015 at 11:27 am #

    “TRIBE de MAMA is an online women’s empowerment magazine made from a collective of goddesses.”

    The whole site is a treasure trove of (hilarious) woo. There’s a birth story on there (not hilarious)—at a birth center in Europe (I think), and she compares early labor to an MDMA trip. Then, when things start to go wrong, she finally agrees to transfer after pushing for 3 hrs, and she gets an epidural and pitocin. The doctors want to do a Csection, but the midwives fight them off. Baby is born blue and not breathing, but is resuscitated quickly. As far as the mom is concerned, it was a beautiful experience.

    We hear that same story over and over and over and none of them bat an eye at a blue, limp baby.

  37. Azuran
    August 4, 2015 at 11:26 am #

    We shouldn’t stop there. After all, it takes 2 to tango.
    Men are a part of the magical journey of motherhood. As such, men should honour their ‘Poni’ A special part of their being where they get their innate power as men. Their portal of power and wisdom.
    When men honour their Poni, they attract lovers who will honour them as well.
    Men should embrace their Poni, the hair, the smell, the taste, the touch.
    They should honour their Poni by using only natural products to wash their Poni. Wearing only organic cotton underwears, return their seed to the earth. Give themself Poni massages and just place their hand down their pants whenever they want to.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      August 4, 2015 at 11:34 am #

      Too late, they (ok, we) already do that. These women are just trying to catch up.

      • AirPlant
        August 4, 2015 at 1:06 pm #

        I am suddenly more sympathetic with public masterbators. They were just honoring their masculine energy by returning their seed to the earth.

        • AirPlant
          August 4, 2015 at 1:10 pm #

          and/or the floor of the subway.

    • Mariana Baca
      August 4, 2015 at 6:08 pm #

      the male equivalent of yoni is the lingam, btw.

  38. anh
    August 4, 2015 at 11:22 am #

    This all sounds good but I just don’t think I have enough time for all of that. I devote a few hours a day devoted to honoring my pancreas. I know it sounds nuts, but it’s so worth it. My pancreas is the reason I attracted my pastry chef husband, sending out signals of fortitude against massive onslaughts of sugar. I do pancreatic cleanses and affirmations. ALmost everyday I sent constant loving thoughts to my bauchspeicheldruse (because I believe only German has the sophistication necessary to demonstrate its noble purpose).
    with all my pancreatic love, my yonni just gets neglected.

    • NoLongerCrunching
      August 4, 2015 at 11:42 am #

      http://youtu.be/tqDBB0no6dQ

      • The Bofa on the Sofa
        August 4, 2015 at 11:59 am #

        God they still make great videos…

        • NoLongerCrunching
          August 4, 2015 at 12:04 pm #

          I am so psyched I am going to see Weird Al in concert on Saturday. I may have an extra ticket if anyone lives near Newport News or wants to drive there.…

      • August 4, 2015 at 8:50 pm #

        Damn, I see I was beaten to it

    • Roadstergal
      August 4, 2015 at 12:20 pm #

      I wish I could upvote this more than once. (And you’re right, our hearts, livers, and lungs must be all, “Hey, why the hell is the vagina getting all the attention?”)

      • Cobalt
        August 4, 2015 at 3:16 pm #

        Really, often does a vagina get used? Even if you have vaginal intercourse every day (and most women don’t have that much), have 7 days a month of menstruation (or that much), and deliver 15 children vaginally (very rare), that’s still not near the work the heart does.

        Mine could slam shut permanently tomorrow, and while my sex life would have to adapt somewhat, I would be fine (if a tad confused).

        Heart, lungs, liver, kidneys…not so much.

        • Roadstergal
          August 4, 2015 at 3:17 pm #

          My vagina doesn’t even need to be involved for me to have an orgasm. I’m not going to say it’s a totally useless bit of anatomy, but it definitely doesn’t make my top 10.

          • Cobalt
            August 4, 2015 at 3:20 pm #

            It’s neat to have and can be fun, if a bit high maintenance, but it doesn’t do anything so important that I couldn’t do everything I usually do without it.

        • Zen
          August 4, 2015 at 9:03 pm #

          Seriously!! I mean, even the lowly colon…given the choice between having a functioning, happy colon and a functioning vagina, I’m going to take the colon!

    • Megan
      August 4, 2015 at 3:18 pm #

      I’m rather attached to my bone marrow…

      Or what about the thymus or the adrenals? They never get any love…

      • araikwao
        August 4, 2015 at 5:09 pm #

        The epiploic appendage, perhaps? (just learned in a radiology course it even has its own “itis” – maybe it needs an online support group too?)

        • Dr Kitty
          August 4, 2015 at 6:05 pm #

          Since epiploic appendagitis is benign, self-limiting and non surgical, the FAQs would be AMAZING.

          Q: What do I need to do now I have this diagnosis?
          A: Nothing. You’ll get better without treatment.

          Q: Do I need a special diet?
          A: No.

          Q: What about herbs?
          A: No.

          Q: Will homeopathy cure me?
          A: No quicker than doing nothing.

          Q: You mean I have a rare diagnosis and I’m just going to get over it?
          A: Yes. Be grateful.

          • Nick Sanders
            August 4, 2015 at 8:10 pm #

            Q: Is there anything at all I can do?
            A: Milk your gullible friends/family for sympathy.

        • Sue
          August 5, 2015 at 8:36 pm #

          Wow – a new “itis”! That means we can invoke all the stuff that allegedly causes inflammation (seed oils, grains, sugars, non-sugars, margarine, toxins and stuff) and treat it by eating stuff that fights inflammation (basically everything paleo).

          Then, the self-limiting condition gets better, and we get to take credit for curing outselves through diet! Maybe even write a book about it, and then…BLOG!

      • Dr Kitty
        August 4, 2015 at 5:49 pm #

        Personally, I’m particularly fond of my lunates. They do stellar work.

        Sure, some may say that scaphoids and hamates are more glamorous, and triquetra have a certain pleasing geometry, but I just don’t think carpals get any better than the lunate.

        • demodocus
          August 4, 2015 at 5:54 pm #

          I love it when you talk all nerdy to us.
          wrist bones?

          • Dr Kitty
            August 4, 2015 at 6:40 pm #

            Yes. Wrist bones.

            Full disclosure, I can only name all the carpals by using the mnemonic “Scared Lovers Try Positions That They Can’t Handle”.

            Like most of the mnemonics that have survived in my brain in the years since medical school, it is a bit rude.
            My brain remembers dirty rhymes very well.

            It is impressive to be able to tell you which cranial nerves are sensory, motor or both. Somewhat less impressive if I reveal that the secret is “Some Say Marry Money, But My Brother Says Big Boobs Matter More”.

          • Wishful
            August 4, 2015 at 7:05 pm #

            Oh oh oh, to touch and feel a girls vagina and hymen…that is how I remember the names for all the cranial nerves.

          • Who?
            August 4, 2015 at 7:28 pm #

            So when my gp gets a faraway look in her eye as she’s feeling my bung-ish wrist, she’s thinking about a mnemonic.

          • Dr Kitty
            August 5, 2015 at 7:50 pm #

            Yup, that’s the one I use too…
            But not the one I teach students.
            I’m supposed to teach them “Old Officers Often Take The Army For Assorted Glories, Vague And Historical”.

            I suggest that they Google other mnemonics or make up their own, but to ensure that they use ones they can remember, even if they can’t recite them aloud in public.

            Do you remember the path of the lingual nerve, by any chance?

          • Mishimoo
            August 4, 2015 at 7:41 pm #

            They seem to be either rude or grim. The one I learnt in highschool from my favourite science teacher* was “Kids Playing Chasey On Freeway Get Squashed.” – Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, and Species.

            (*Dual doctorate in chemistry and physics, chose to teach science in a rural mining town AND did an awesome job of it.)

          • SporkParade
            August 5, 2015 at 2:15 am #

            That’s much better than the mnemonic I learned for taxonomy. You just need to remember “kingdom,” and then “Please come over for gay sex.”

    • Mishimoo
      August 4, 2015 at 7:36 pm #

      Thank you, that song is stuck in my head (again!). Not that it’s a burden, to be honest.

    • August 4, 2015 at 8:49 pm #

      <3 pancreas

      https://youtu.be/tqDBB0no6dQ

  39. Sarah
    August 4, 2015 at 11:20 am #

    Is anyone else getting really sick of cultural appropriation in terms like “yoni” and “namaste”? It’s gotten pretty ridiculous. We should stop stealing “mystical” things from places of privilege because they sound cool and “enlightened..”

    • Amy M
      August 4, 2015 at 11:29 am #

      Yes. Going along with that theme is that when Westerners come up with a mantra (for meditation, labor, whatever), their go-to deities are Mystikal–Isis, Astarte, Inanna, etc. I’ve never heard anyone chant “Zoroaster” though.

      • Taysha
        August 4, 2015 at 11:55 am #

        Astarte and Isis are go-to deities? Do these people even mythology?

        • The Bofa on the Sofa
          August 4, 2015 at 12:01 pm #

          All I know about Isis I learned from the Sid and Marty Kroft Saturday morning show about the teacher who found the magical scarab. “Oh mighty Isis…”

          Isis, Shazam and Electra Woman and DynaGirl.

          • Taysha
            August 4, 2015 at 12:05 pm #

            there’s that whole bit about her nailing her brother and sewing him back together after he was dismembered.
            And the wooden phallus to make up for the bits she couldn’t find.

            Ringing endorsement, that one.

          • The Bofa on the Sofa
            August 4, 2015 at 12:06 pm #

            Sid and Marty Kroft did not have that part in their Saturday morning kids’ show.

          • Taysha
            August 4, 2015 at 12:08 pm #

            Still beats the association of Astarte (Mesopotamian) with Sekhmet (Egyptian), she who was given to drink 1000 barrels of beer colored red to make her think it was the blood of her enemies and thus get her to stop her rampage.
            Egyptian gods gave a whole new meaning to PMS.

          • Rita Rippetoe
            August 4, 2015 at 12:32 pm #

            To the tune of “Old Time Religion”

            Lady Isis has real style
            Bits of hubby in the Nile
            Reassembled him by trial,
            And that’s good enough for me.

          • demodocus
            August 4, 2015 at 2:46 pm #

            I love rewriting “Old Time Religion.” It just begs to be picked on.

          • Nick Sanders
            August 4, 2015 at 3:08 pm #

            The version I read had it made of ceramic.

          • Taysha
            August 4, 2015 at 3:09 pm #

            Interesting. Bullfinch calls it wood, but I’m sure it’s open for interpretation

          • Nick Sanders
            August 4, 2015 at 3:12 pm #

            I honestly can’t remember who it was that wrote the version I read. I actually have a copy of Bulfinch within arm’s reach of my compute that I got for Christmas once and have yet to read.

          • Taysha
            August 4, 2015 at 3:36 pm #

            Nerds unite =) (now I have to dig out Bullfinch and double check my memory. Curses)

          • Roadstergal
            August 4, 2015 at 3:18 pm #

            That would be preferable, IMO, splinters-wise.

        • Amy M
          August 4, 2015 at 12:46 pm #

          I guess…I’m not into organized religion much, but back in college I dated a neo-pagan (guy). They had group on campus, which was way more female than male, and that particular chant sticks in my mind, lo these 20yrs, like a godamn ear worm.

          • Taysha
            August 4, 2015 at 12:47 pm #

            It’s always adorable when people romanticize deities without bothering to learn about them. You know, the deities that gave people reasons for sacrifices and all that.

            I’m going to stick to Bastet.

      • Nick Sanders
        August 4, 2015 at 3:10 pm #

        I wonder if you could get them to invoke Pazuzu to ward off Lamashtu.

        Probably would be considered to masculine for their birth woo.

      • Dinolindor
        August 4, 2015 at 8:38 pm #

        There is only Zuul.

  40. Cobalt
    August 4, 2015 at 11:06 am #

    “When we honor our bodies & our wombs we attract lovers who honour us as well on this journey through our awakenings.”

    I think just means you out-crazy all your normal potential partners until all that’s left is other wooites and those who prey on wooites.

  41. Roadstergal
    August 4, 2015 at 11:05 am #

    “When we honor our bodies & our wombs we attract lovers who honour us as well on this journey through our awakenings.”

    Uh, I used my brain to find and engage with lovers who respect me. What an empowered, feminist message – use your body and vagina to get men.

    • DelphiniumFalcon
      August 4, 2015 at 1:20 pm #

      Well damn I did it all backwards!

      I met my husband on a gaming site and he was more than a thousand miles away from my “yoni” for four years! And I was bitching about my womb for a good part of that because I first met him after having surgery to clean out some endometriosis crap and laid up in bed with a laptop for entertainment.

      Fuck, I knew I was awful at courtship.

    • Liz Leyden
      August 5, 2015 at 2:08 pm #

      It kind of makes sense. If you love yourself you’re less likely to put up with people mistreating you. It’s a small nugget of substance in a big pile of woo.

  42. Mattie
    August 4, 2015 at 10:50 am #

    Had to google what a yoni egg was, now I unfortunately know what a yoni egg is.

    • Amy M
      August 4, 2015 at 11:15 am #

      Isn’t it that thing strippers do in exotic dance routines?

    • anh
      August 4, 2015 at 11:22 am #

      can you gist it?

      • Roadstergal
        August 4, 2015 at 11:24 am #

        It seems to be a cross between a Ben Wa ball and a Kegelcisor?

      • Mattie
        August 4, 2015 at 11:27 am #

        did you read the post a week-or-so ago about shoving odd things up your sacred portal…this is basically that, but with an egg shaped smoothed rock.

        • Amy M
          August 4, 2015 at 11:29 am #

          With a string on it?

          • Mattie
            August 4, 2015 at 11:31 am #

            Nope, no string, it’s weighted so it will just (and I quote) ‘make its way out on its own’

          • AirPlant
            August 4, 2015 at 1:08 pm #

            Do these people not work?

          • Mattie
            August 4, 2015 at 1:22 pm #

            Perhaps they have special knickers that ‘catch’ the egg so that it doesn’t fall on the floor. Or more than likely they don’t work, they stay inside homeschooling their unvaccinated offspring

          • momofone
            August 4, 2015 at 7:53 pm #

            Homeschooling might be too structured and of The Man. Maybe they’re unschooling?

          • Petanque
            August 5, 2015 at 1:07 am #

            Knickers with a nest in them for the yoni egg to hatch into!

          • Roadstergal
            August 4, 2015 at 1:24 pm #

            To be fair, you don’t need a string or flared base with a weighted toy going into the vagina (unlike buttplay, where you REALLY need a flared base) – it’s easy to squeeze it out, and ben wa balls are fun. But I’ve never had one make its own way out, and I’d be a little worried about the integrity of my pelvic floor if one did…

          • Zornorph
            August 4, 2015 at 11:23 pm #

            Q: What’s the most embarrassing to happen to a woman?
            A: When her ben wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

        • Laura
          August 4, 2015 at 3:25 pm #

          Shoving a rock…up your vagina?

          Just when you thought you heard it all. *vomits*

    • Sue
      August 5, 2015 at 8:38 pm #

      Makes a whole new meaning for the term “coddled egg”!

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