If you judge women who bottle feed, I’m judging the hell out of YOU!

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There’s a vile sanctimommy screed currently making the rounds. If You Don’t Breastfeed, I’m Judging the Hell Out of You by Alex Alexander is a perfect example of hatefulness masquerading as concern for babies.

But if you never even tried — if your baby’s mouth never met nipple, for reasons of personal choice that have nothing to do with health — I’m judging you. That’s right. You should’ve at least given breastfeeding a chance. And if you didn’t, you made a big parenting mistake and we all have the right to judge you for it.

There’s a dark part of the human psyche that glories in social sanctioned bullying. It’s ugly when religious fundamentalists do it; it’s ugly when sexual prudes do it; and it’s equally ugly when Sanctimommies do it.

Of course, the bullies have self-justification at the ready.

You’re a mammal. You’re built to lactate. When it fails, that’s sad. When it’s ignored, that’s a travesty defying nature and human biology. Why do you think your breasts became engorged? It wasn’t for kicks. Your doctor had to drug you to dry you up. That’s because you should be nursing your newborn.

Ms. Alexander, I’m judging YOU. For your monstrous ego, for your ugly sanctimony, and for your vicious sexism.

That’s the battle cry of biological essentialists everywhere.

What are biological essentialists? They are people who believe that women should be defined by and restricted to their biological functions.

They hate and fear powerful women and say things like:

You’re a woman. You’re built to have babies. When you fail to do so, that’s sad. When you ignore your biological destiny to get an education, demand economic rights or political equality, that’s a travesty denying nature and human biology. Why do you think you menstruate? It isn’t for kicks. It’s because you are supposed to be pregnant, nursing or nurturing children.

Or:

You’re a woman. You’re built to get pregnant. When you fail to do so, that’s sad. When you circumvent your biological destiny by using birth control or terminating a pregnancy, that’s a travesty denying nature and human biology. Why do you think you have ovaries? It isn’t for kicks. It’s because you are supposed to get pregnant each and every month you have sex.

Homophobes are also biological essentialists. They hate lesbians and they say things like:

You’re a woman. You’re built to have penetrative intercourse with a man. When you have sex with another woman instead, that’s sad. When it’s ignored, that’s a travesty defying nature and human biology. Why do you think you have a vagina? It isn’t for kicks. It’s supposed to be for male sexual pleasure.

Ms. Alexander, you judge women who don’t breastfeed; you are a biological essentialist and therefore, I’m judging the hell out of YOU.

Who are you to declare that biology is destiny? Do you use birth control? If so, you’re a hypocrite.

According to Alexander:

You made a choice to carry a baby for nine months. You made a choice to birth a human infant. With choice come responsibility. Your responsibilities don’t end when you squirt out that watermelon-sized, wailing baby. You have an obligation to provide that baby with at least some breast milk.

An obligation? Why? It can’t be because breastfeeding provides extraordinary benefits. In countries with clean water supplies, like the US, the benefits of breastfeeding for term babies are trivial, a few less colds and episodes of diarrhea each year for the entire population of babies under 1 year of age.

Nursing involves more than just milk; it’s also about bonding and skin-to-skin contact and all those lovely hormones you release. You and your baby deserve those things.

Bullshit. There is no scientific evidence of any kind that breastfeeding or skin to skin contact is required for mother infant bonding.

When mom is exposed to a germ, she starts making antibodies against it. There’s evidence that a mother’s immunities to, for example, the flu, protect her baby for a certain amount of time.

Bullshit. Most antibodies are Immunoglobin G antibodies (IgG); they pass through the placenta, but DON’T pass through breastmilk. Only IgA passes through breastmilk; that’s what’s responsible for the fewer colds and episodes of diarrhea. It doesn’t protect against other illnesses.

Ms. Alexander, your “philosophy” is vile and the way you express it is repugnant:

But maybe you just think breastfeeding is icky. Maybe you don’t want a baby touching what you think is just for your partner. Maybe you think it’s primitive and disgusting.

In that case, you need to check your body image. Women’s breasts were made not as fun bags, but as baby-feeders. If you think breastfeeding is nasty, you’re denigrating an important function of your own body and turning your misaligned sense of female sexuality onto your own body. You need therapy, not baby formula.

No, Ms. Alexander. You need to check your self-righteousness. Women’s bodies were not made for others to control them. Women’s right to bodily autonomy does not get expelled with the placenta. If you think you have the right to impose your values on other women YOU are the one who needs help and education.

So yes, mom who never put her baby to her breast, I’m judging you. Sent your baby to the nursery instead of nursing? You made a poor parenting choice…

So, yes, Ms. Alexander, I’m judging YOU. For your monstrous ego, for your ugly sanctimony, and for your vicious sexism. You are no different from misogynists, religious extremists and homophobes who believe they have a right to control women’s bodies.

You’re just another judgmental, self-satisfied prig glorying in hatred of anyone who does live her life mirroring your own choices back to you.

You should be ashamed … but you appear to lack the insight to understand that in your desperation to glorify yourself you are trampling on other women and their rights.

  • Alex Tulchner

    I wasn’t ready to accept the whole biological determinism thing until I heard the case made by someone whose most famous publication is entitled, “I Made a Cake With One Special Ingredient: My Husband’s Semen.” AND NOW, FOLKS, I AM SOLD.

    • Nick Sanders

      I think that’s taking the metaphor “baby batter” a bit too literally.

  • Glia

    Number 237 on the list of Reasons Why I’m Not a Famous Blogger:

    My post entitled “If you don’t breastfeed, I probably didn’t notice and wouldn’t care anyway” did not get a whole lot of clicks, for some reason.

  • MaineJen

    “Your responsibilities don’t end when you squirt out that watermelon-sized, wailing baby.”

    How very loving and empathetic. It’s obvious she’s a stellar mother, with an attitude like that.

    • Amy

      She’s a lot nicer once she’s had a joint. At least, according to her.

      • MaineJen

        Oh, lovely.

  • Erin

    Let’s keep in mind that this is written by a blogger who also wrote such poignant pieces as:

    “9 Reasons my Friend’s Husbands Always Want to F*ck Me.” (note the incorrect possessive of “Friend’s” used in her title)

    “When Your Husband Would Rather Jerk Off Than F*ck You”

    and my personal favorite

    “How I Went From Being His Stripper To Being His … Wife”

    These are just the tip of the iceberg. It’s ridiculous that she is getting so much attention, which is obviously what she craves. She and her articles are a load of crap.

    • Wren

      It’s not the incorrect use in “Friend’s”, she just only has one friend.

    • Chi

      What a peach. She’s just as sanctimonious and judgmental in those articles too. Apparently her friends’ husbands wanting to F*ck her is ENTIRELY their wives’ fault and not because the hubby is a douche looking for a quick lay rather than trying to fix whatever’s wrong in their relationship.

      And the article about the husband jerking off is just a way for her to feel good because SHE still gets laid where her friend down the street isn’t.

      I reiterate. What a gem, not.

    • An Actual Attorney

      It’s not real. Has to be pure click bait.

    • Amy

      My favorite is the list of things you have to do if you want to hold on to your husband. All of them involve assuming he favors certain sexual acts, and then performing said acts whether you want to or not. Also, extreme intimate grooming.

    • The Computer Ate My Nym

      Well, it could have been the multiple husbands of a single friend who were trying to get it on with her, in which case the possessive was correctly placed but the relationship even odder than it first appears.

      • Bugsy

        I can see a new type of show in TLC’s future: “Brother husbands.”

  • Anonymous

    “You made a choice to birth a human infant.”

    “You made a choice to give birth to a human infant.”

    There I fixed it.

    • AirPlant

      Dude, was giving birth to a kitten an option? Because team kitten.

      • Roadstergal

        Just as long as you don’t practice ‘mew it out.’

      • NoLongerCrunching

        I could never give birth to a kitten. Don’t they only nurse for like six weeks or something? That would ruin my AP cred.

        • AirPlant

          My cats assemble Avengers style whenever dairy is involved, I am pretty sure you could bring the kitten around to your frame of mind.
          Kitten wearing would be another problem entirely though.

          • DelphiniumFalcon

            It’s easier than you think!

            …at least if you have an inbred and slightly brain damaged cat. Friend of the family started with one female cat. Then they had six cats. Then they had twenty something. He was one of the twenty something. And because they couldn’t afford to feed all the cats and kittens they fed them canned refried beans. We picked him up as a kitten one day while visiting and said we were taking him. I don’t think they noticed. He had like zero muscle tone. You could pick him up and he’d just go limp and ooze through your fingers like badly set gelatin.

            Used to wear him like a scarf. Head on one shoulder and butt on the other wrapped around the back of my neck. And he’d just sit there with the consistency of a sack of rice. Kept him off the keyboard and was absolutely wonderful in winter. Also fun to answer the door like that to see how people would react.

            I miss that little idiot…

          • Bugsy

            Awww, the inbred kitty sounds really sweet (even if not the brightest!). Did he have a reasonably long life?

          • DelphiniumFalcon

            Sort of. A coyote got him when he was about ten. Someone saw it happen and said the coyote took him so fast our cat probably didn’t even know what happened. So I can take comfort in that at least.

          • Bugsy

            Awww, hugs. Glad it was quick, but sorry for your loss.

          • Dr Kitty

            Aww…
            Our kitty has shown almost zero interest in #2. He sniffs his head occasionally, swiftly leaves the room if there is a poopy nappy or crying jag, but otherwise doesn’t seem bothered.
            He was supposed to have his second femoral head excision just before the baby arrived, but the vet said to postpone to see how he responded to the baby.We didn’t think it was a good idea to remove his “flight” just before introducing a major stressor.

            Given that this is a cat that can climb on my car roof, lets himself into our upstairs bedroom window after climbing up the trellis, who can hunt (who doesn’t like a dead mouse on their doorstep?) and seems quite content sleeping on our bed, sofa or laps most of the rest of the time, we’re not entirely convinced he needs more surgery.

          • KeeperOfTheBooks

            Ours showed no interest in DD for the first couple of weeks. He finally came over for a sniff one evening just after I’d gotten her to sleep, that process having taken a solid 45+ minutes. I leaned forward in the rocker so he could sniff her thoroughly, which he did. He then returned to her head, sniffed her a couple more times…and meowed loudly in her ear, which of course caused her eyes to pop wide open again.
            Ordinarily, I could never, EVER condone violence against animals, but that was as tempted as I ever was. (Yes I did resist temptation, and no, I did not punt him across the room like a football. If looks could have killed, though…)

        • Amy

          Yeah but how much is that in cat years?

        • Azuran

          Hey, some woman apparently breastfed her pug for 2 years. I’m sure you’ll find a way.

        • Bugsy

          Yeah, but you could nurse like 6 of them at one time…major AP street cred.

          • NoLongerCrunching

            Well, obviously I could nurse with with my breasts, and the other two could nurse from my armpits because that can totally happen, but I don’t know what I would do with the other two. Maybe the father could use donor milk and an SNS, or better yet induce male lactation.

          • Bugsy

            Induce male lactation, that’s obviously the “right” answer. 🙂

      • Medwife

        I had a nightmare about giving birth to a kitten, when I was pregnant with my first. I tried to nurse it. “Her latch is wrong! Is it because she’s a kitten??” “No no, you just need to work at it!”

        • nomofear

          When I was about seven months with my first preg, I had a nightmare that we suddenly found out that my husband was preg, too. And then we went into labor at the same time, and he was having an easier time than me. I was getting jealous, but then, the baby came out, and it was an orange tabby kitten. I was so relieved – that explained why his labor was easier! It was a baby kitten, not a baby human! Much easier to give birth to, you see!

          I woke up and seriously thought about calling a therapist…

          • Medwife

            I also dreamed about giving birth to hamsters. I don’t think my brain could wrap itself around an actual human being in there.

        • Bugsy

          I had nightmares that the embryo they’d transferred in for IVF cycle #1 was a dog embryo. Thankfully the kid came out with 2 arms and 2 legs.

          • demodocus

            Dunno… my kid does say “woof” a lot 😉

          • KeeperOfTheBooks

            Mine, age nearly 2, recently learned to yell “woof” (in a very growly, non-toddler voice) at passing canines when we go for a walk. Gets me the oddest looks from both the dogs and their humans…*sigh*

          • Bombshellrisa

            Mine turned two last week. Guess who decided to show off their barking like a dog and roaring like a dinosaur skills during a Costco trip? And people wonder what the gigantic bottle of vodka was doing in my cart…

          • Roadstergal

            Don’t worry – on the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.

      • RMY

        My pseudo-niece (my cousin’s daughter) wants to have kittens, or puppies when she grows up. 🙂 Her mom hasn’t had the heart to break it to her that it won’t work that way.

    • Sarah

      Or to fix it some more, you may or may not have made a choice to give birth to a human infant, what with women not necessarily being able to choose whether they have sex, use contraception or terminate a pregnancy.

    • MaineJen

      Thank you, that was making me twitchy.

  • Green Fish
  • Allie

    She sure makes me wish I never breastfed, but with such a long list of exemptions, I thought this was satire at first. Sadly, her cray-cray is showing…

  • Inmara

    This piece seems like a run-of-the-mill clickbait, and has achieved its objective by creating a cascade of sharing and quoting. Dr. Amy, I’m not in a position to tell how to run your blog but maybe you can consider using Do Not Link service for linking to materials which should not gain additional popularity in search engines? http://www.donotlink.com/dnl/faq

  • The Computer Ate My Nym

    I’m just wondering why a complete stranger is so obsessed about what I do or don’t do with my breasts. Seriously, it’s a bit creepy.

  • Sarah

    It never seems to occur to dense turds like this that actually, those of us who didn’t breastfeed might be the ones judging them. There is simply no way that her views on me could even be in the same ball park as the contempt I hold for her.

    • Howlandyouth1722

      Why?… I don’t judge you for formula feeding so why would you feel contempt towards me for breastfeeding? You sound just as bad as the author.

      • Monkey Professor for a Head

        I think that Sarah is feeling contempt towards those who judge women for not breastfeeding. Not towards breastfeeding women.

        • Howlandyouth1722

          Oh my bad then, it just didn’t sound that way and frankly wouldn’t have made sense in this context. I come form a community where nobody breastfeeds, I’ve actually never meet anyone but myself who does so I guess I’m just used to a lot of loaded questions, backhanded complements, and the like. :/

      • Sarah

        Only because you’ve completely invented the theory that I feel contempt for breastfeeding. There is nothing at all in my post to suggest that, though. The contempt I feel is for the sort of turd who feels themself entitled to judge what other women do with their bodies.

  • Chi

    And I wonder what her opinion is of women who are survivors of sexual abuse who find ANYTHING touching their breasts triggering?

    She’d probably say that since the woman in question obviously had no trouble having intimate relationships to conceive the child, then why should something sucking on her boobs triggering and to suck it up.

    • Who?

      See below-she’d encourage them to smoke dope to get over the ptsd. The breastfeeding show must go on!

      • Chi

        Oh never mind, apparently sexual trauma survivors are exempt from her contempt. How magnanimous.

        • Erin

          Apart from the fact that we don’t wear big signs saying “Don’t judge me for my bottle feeding because I was sexually assaulted and I can’t stand anything touching my breasts”…. so when she sees a woman bottle feeding, surely she hits them with her contempt because she doesn’t know their history.

    • NoLongerCrunching

      As someone familiar with the seedy underbelly of the lactivist community, I know exactly what she would say. She would say to just give it a try because most victims of sexual abuse find breastfeeding healing. That reminds me of “most homebirths go just fine.” It doesn’t matter what most do, only what happens for that individual mother and baby. Also where is her evidence to support the use of the word “most” anyway? Her arrogance about other women’s choices is going to bite her in the ass; if not now, then when she someday has grandchildren she can’t control.

  • guest

    Yeah, I’m judging her alright. She has been weighed, she has been measured, and she has been found wanting in basic human decency.

  • Sue

    “a travesty defying nature and human biology”??

    Exaggeration much?

    • Who?

      The funny thing is that was posted on that all natural communication medium, the internet.

      • Sue

        Yep – even more defiance of nature and human biology!

        • Sarah

          I bet her internets are made of kale.

    • namaste863

      Screw nature. Nature is a psychotic, unpredictable and frequently lethal force.

      • Chi

        The all-natural crowd seems to forget that the average human lifespan is as long as it is now due to all those unnatural things like indoor plumbing, warm shelters, modern medicine being able to treat AND prevent diseases that wiped people out in the thousands.

        Nature is a bitch. And she’s out to get us all. Science is our shield against her whims.

        • namaste863

          Exactly. The survival of every species on this planet is dependent on its ability to defy nature in some way. Some can outrun it. Some can out see, out venom, out smell, or out muscle it. Humans outsmart nature. Our most formidable survival tool is our minds. Why not make use of it?

    • pandapanda

      Such irony from a woman who probably has central air, uses the internet and clothes she neither sewed herself or made the material for.

      • AirPlant

        Oh hell, don’t bring sewing into this. Sewing is a hobby for me and if I have too listen to one more historical recreationist tell me about hand sewing a lopsided little house on the prairie skirt I am going to lose my shit.

    • Roadstergal

      Premature infants and Type 1 diabetics survive, these days. That’s defying nature and human biology right there.

  • Madtowngirl

    Meh, I’m one of the “exempt” people she talks about. But go ahead and judge me, Ms. Alexander. I feel sorry for you, since your life must be incredibly boring. I mean, why else would you express such rage at how others feed their children.

    The longer I’m in this mom business, the more I realize how ridiculous this privileged bullshit that is the “Mommy Wars” is. Kid is safe and healthy? Then take your judgement and fuck right off.

    • Chi

      Agreed. It’s basic schoolyard bullying, where they tear others down just to feel better about themselves.

    • namaste863

      “Kid safe and healthy? Then take your judgment and fuck right off.”

      Amen to that!

  • Amy

    Hey everyone, looks like we’ve all been sorely mistaken. Alex Alexander IS a better mom (or parent, gotta include the dads here) than all of us.

    Exhibit A:
    http://www.yourtango.com/2015281371/smoking-pot-makes-me-better-mom

    • Who?

      So where does she get it? Not by consorting with criminals I hope. Because if it is illegally obtained, the sanctimony of ‘don’t smoke in front of your kids’ is just too rich.

      And one last question-would she take it if she was pregnant or breastfeeding? Or only if her dealer told her it was safe?

      • Mishimoo

        Plus: even if she’s not smoking in front of them, if she is smoking in the same house then she is exposing them to 2nd and 3rd hand smoke and that is unfair. It’s why I am of the firm opinion that if one is taking cannabis for medical reasons, it should be treated like prescription drugs and taken carefully with supervision, not smoked or vaped.

        • Who?

          So is all smoke bad, not just cigarette smoke? Might be a nice way to get them to bed early, all those relaxing fumes…

          Her head must have compartments like you wouldn’t believe-must breastfeed at all costs, fine to smoke dope to feel better about my life.

          • Mishimoo

            Cannabis smoke, drawing on the memory of my year 6 health project (and goodness, wasn’t that a culture shock after homeschooling!), has twice the amount of tar in it as cigarette smoke and according to my google search just now: higher levels of fun things like hydrogen cyanide and ammonia.

            Edited to add: Maybe just one compartment – “If it’s natural, it’s good for me.”

          • Who?

            Good to know. Not to mention the shady characters involved in the acquisition of the smokes. Rollies, I assume?

            That would have been quite a shock after home-schooling.

          • Mishimoo

            I would assume so too. I think I’ll just stick with being a bad parent (in her eyes) – I’d rather make sure that my kids are not exposed to drug residues and are not around shady characters. I’d also rather have kids with full tummies who are happy to play without me directing everything.

            I had a year at a private very Christian school in between, but that obviously really didn’t prepare me.

          • The Computer Ate My Nym

            However, cannabis has the advantage that very few people chain smoke joints so the lower total dose means lower total exposure to tar, etc. I’d still recommend another delivery system than smoking though.

            Slightly random source says that cannabis smoking doubles risk of lung cancer. That’s more than anyone needs, but far less than tobacco smoking.

            http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25012035

          • The Computer Ate My Nym

            Slightly more English language source says heavy use associated with a 2.12 hazard ratio. Where “heavy use” is defined as more than 50 times in a lifetime, which seems to me a rather low bar and indicative of fairly serious risk per joint.

            http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23846283

        • Roadstergal

          Can we judge her for not using edibles? :p

          • Who?

            If we can we certainly should.

          • Mishimoo

            Hey, its a good compromise if she does want to partake (as long as the kids don’t get into them). I’m just a bit over the ‘cannabis as medicine’ thing. I have no problems with safe recreational use either, but I am tired of the overly enthusiastic campaigners who refuse to admit there are any downsides or risks. It also feels a bit selfish to me – the kids don’t have the choice to be exposed or not when people smoke in the same house/area, and couldn’t consent to it anyway. I do hope there’s a sober adult around in case of emergencies.

          • Roadstergal

            I’m with you – yes, certain compounds are likely to be helpful in certain specific conditions, but toking up is not the fecking cure for cancer. Make it legal, use it recreationally, let the scientists do the cannabinoid science…

            I’m a little weirded out at the idea of edibles or smokables in the house with kids around. Toddlers find guns and use them; finding a tasty treat would be even easier (and man, they know how to use a lot of sugar and fat to make the edibles taste good).

            “Sober adult” – that one is tough for sure. I don’t think being moderately stoned is any worse than being moderately buzzed on alcohol or fairly sleep-deprived, really. :p

          • Mishimoo

            Yes!! I just want more research. And then I want recreational use taxed, if it’s done like cigarettes over here then it will be a fair amount which could then go back into education or health areas.

            Yeah, I agree about being worried about edible or smokables being in a house with kids. It’s why I think they should be treated the same as prescription drugs – locked away, out of reach – because kids can and do get into everything else.

            Oh, it’s probably not, but my husband and I are weird. We generally take turns, just in case there’s an emergency (or a surprise stomach bug). If I’m drinking, even though I have a ridiculously high tolerance, he doesn’t drink or he stops after one. If he’s drinking, I usually don’t. Neither of us have bothered with pot (probably try edibles if it was legal, out of curiosity), and we tend to trade off sleeping in/naps so that both of us aren’t sleep deprived.

          • Who?

            Went through all that, then on to both having wine every night, and after coming back from holidays we decided to try no alcohol Mon-Thurs. I feel remarkably clearer and more energetic, am eating less-much easier to say no to the second helping when stone cold sober-and generally feel like it’s a Good Thing.

            And I do enjoy it even more when I have some!

            Just think how the deficit would crumble if everyone using pot paid the govt a small amount to do so! We might even be able to keep bulk billed smear tests.

          • Mishimoo

            And all the other testing which is set to lose funding! I am so frustrated with how Medicare is going. (Also annoyed with the government pension/perks system. Why can’t we cut that and introduce realistic performance-based salaries?)

            Glad that cutting back is working for you! I’ve heard much the same from other friends and family who have done it too. We also find that it does tend to add up, which is our other consideration.

          • Who?

            That’s it, a tipple here, a tipple there and before you know it I’m fat and permanently hammered.

            Do not get me started. The lunatics are in charge of the asylum. Though we’re going to have a poll about 4 year terms for Qld govt at the local govt elections early in the year, let’s hope that comes in.

          • Mishimoo

            Oh, I meant adds up financially. I shudder to think how much my brother spends given that he is picky about what he drinks and stopped for a bit since he was outdrinking the average Russian.

            Same! Though I’m a bit unsure about the 4 year terms, I don’t want to get stuck with one muppet for an extra year if possible, but the extra year would mean less switching around and implementing new ideas. The NBN fiasco springs to mind.

          • Who?

            Financially, as well, though we mainly drink at home or with friends or families at their homes so that’s not such an issue for me.

            Muppets are a fact of life, unfortunately, but the 4 years at least gives them a go. We’re in such a reactive cycle at the moment, I’m hoping that will settle with the more composed guy at the big helm. The premiers and the feds seem to be talking a bit better, so fingers crossed!

          • An Actual Attorney

            Colorado is certainly enjoying their tax take.

          • Who?

            Or do they just feel happier and more relaxed generally?

            Either way it’s a win, I suppose.

            Alcohol and cigarettes are legal as an accident of history.

            It’s always seemed mad to me that we fight drugs when if we just privatised them, and taxed the providers, we’d save what we’re spending on the fight and make a bit on the side.

          • Roadstergal

            Hey! Let’s make drugs legal and put a fraction of the money we’re spending on The War into free rehab for anyone who is having trouble with them.

            And then do a Colorado and spend the tax revenue on schools.

            And moderately de-fang drug cartels.

          • Who?

            According to the gun lobby only an ill disciplined child will touch a gun left lying around. Unless the parent failing to discipline is the gun owner, in which case the child has just clearly fallen too far from the tree and is a bad seed.

            Quite why whoever gets shot by said child should care about the finer points of child management isn’t clear.

          • DelphiniumFalcon

            These people are insane…

            This is why I’m following my dad’s example with gun safety:
            Guns always dismantled with half the pieces on opposite sides of the house from each other. In locked cases. Most were antiques and heirlooms passed down or bird hunting rifles. No reason to have them assembled at all times.

            I knew where the guns were but I was also taught not to even touch the cases. Even so, he took that safety measure just in case.

            But my dad also doesn’t believe in keeping a loaded gun in the house and has no delusions about shooting intruders so that probably has more to do with it. :p

          • Amy

            I’m with you. I’m 100% with full legal recreational use, and I’m sure a lot of my “responsible adult” friends would go right back to their college levels of consumption. But secondhand smoke and being under the influence of ANYTHING with small children around are both dangerous.

    • Sue

      SPRUNG!

    • CSN0116

      She speaks openly about her own mental health issues as well as mental illness within her family. Given that her “anti-bottle feeding” essay reads something like a manic narcissistic rant, I’m going to connect the dots and assume that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a goddam duck. And not to mock those with mental health issues, but she’s a fucking pistachio and it’s showing. She should probably up that pot dosage right about now.

  • Amy

    She’s making a poor parenting choice, too, raising her children to think they’re better than other kids because of the way she fed them.

  • The Bofa on the Sofa

    I’m a man. In human mammals, men are on the whole bigger and stronger than women, and therefore I should knock you around and have my way.

    Hey, it’s biology. Who am I to deny it?

    • Who?

      No doubt Alex whoever would agree wholeheartedly; if she does not I’d be interested to hear why.

    • anh

      Not to mention that you should also spread your seed and father as many children as you can

      • The Bofa on the Sofa

        Yeah, I thought about that one, too.

  • jhr

    This outrage, this hysterical passion about infants needing to be breastfed–please direct your rage towards such egregious injustices as the lead-tainted water supply in Flint, or the horrendous starvation-as-political persuasion practiced in War-torn Syria. Your article is deranged when put in real-world context.

    • Who?

      That Flint situation is a horror. I was listening to a program about it the other day. Not that it will make any difference to the victims but I hope some people spend a good lot of time in prison.

      • The Computer Ate My Nym

        Honestly, I don’t know why people in Flint aren’t marching on Lansing with pitchforks and torches at the ready. I hope the people responsible and those responsible for their being in power go to prison and never get out.

        • KeeperOfTheBooks

          As I’ve said before in re the politicians who thought the Flint situation was acceptable: Rope. Lamppost. Politician. Some assembly required.

          • Who?

            I am not generally in favour of the death penalty, since the system does make mistakes and executing the wrong person is a pretty hard one to undo, but I might make an exception for this case.

            Prison for a very long time is the only option, but it seems too small, somehow. Maybe they should be made to work in care facilities supporting people who need care, or even just scrubbing floors and cleaning bathrooms and kitchens. Make themselves useful in some small way.

            Amends must surely be made.

          • KeeperOfTheBooks

            Oooooh, I have it:
            Assign the lot of them to clean up the Detroit schools. Funds for cleaning/building/restoration supplies can be deducted from their pensions, 401Ks, and the like. Their sentences are over when the schools are scrubbed up to an acceptable standard.

          • Who?

            Nailed it.

            Let them do some practical good in the world. Are the Detroit schools grotty enough to keep them going for a good long time? If not we need at least one back up.

          • KeeperOfTheBooks

            Sadly, yes. There are some pretty nasty pictures in this article: http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/12/us/detroit-public-schools-sick-outs/index.html .
            Think black mold hither, thither, and yon; rats running through the hallways; floors and ceilings disintegrating (and in the latter case, falling on people); mushrooms growing through the walls…I’d say it could keep ’em busy for a very long time!

          • Who?

            That will be it then.

            Now how to get it done?

      • LeighW

        I might not be a huge fan of her music, but Cher is working with a bottled water company to donate something like 185,000 bottles of water to people in Flint.

        Chering is caring

        • Who?

          Good on her.

          It’s outrageous that this basic (and obvious) measure should be happening by charity not by the government, which caused this disaster in the first place.

        • demodocus

          I heard that. Always liked Cher, she seems like a decent person.

    • moto_librarian

      I’d this blog is so deranged, move along. It is quite possible to care about more than one thing at a time. Thanks for your concern.

      • jhr

        Of course it is. My point was the ferocity of her outrage about the nutritional “input” of children who are not her own. i pointed to 2 other current issues in the news relating to children’s heLth (food ingestion) that deserve our outrage.

    • demodocus

      One of my favorite bloggers writes about the trials and tribulations of inset y seams and making your points match. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about Syrians or the folks in Flint. Doesn’t mean she’s not actively engaged in peaceful protests. Doesn’t mean that in her day job she’s saving lives in some way. I have no idea; that blog is about quilting, not any of the thousands of “more important” things in life. This blog is about pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period, so that’s what Dr. T. generally talks about. Are you going to yell at Bonnie Hunter for writing about quilts instead of important things?

      • Amy

        Um…..I think jhr’s post was directed at Alex Alexander, not Dr. Amy. And I think the point is all the fiery passion that Alex Alexander wastes on judging other women could better be spent judging actual bad things.

      • jhr

        Of course there are many involvements and concerns in an individual’s life. Please see my reply to moto librarian below.

  • MLE

    Uh actually my breasts ARE funbags for us both, and I’m a little peeved that breastfeeding two babies has made them saggy, loose, and just weird. How the hell am I supposed to get another baby now??!! (Kidding in case any idiots are reading.)

    This is one of the many lactivist arguments I couldn’t grasp when I first got involved in that world…”breasts are not sexual, they are for feeding!” For a hot minute I thought there might be something wrong with me for seeing my own breasts as sexual!

    • demodocus

      After all, if breasts are purely for feeding, then why are we among the quite small number of mammals that keep big ones all the time? Chimps do not grow c-cups during puberty. 🙁

      • Sarah

        Exactly. As usual, lactivists conflate breasts with nipples and milk ducts. Not the same thing. You need the latter to lactate, you sure as hell don’t need the former.

      • The Computer Ate My Nym

        I was thinking that too. Leaving aside the whole issue of talking about what evolution “meant” to do, human women have breast hypertrophy all the time, not just when lactating. That’s because breasts have two purposes: attracting a mate and feeding the spawn that result from that attraction. Modern women have the option of using them for 0, 1, or 2 of these purposes, depending on their personal preferences.

    • CSN0116

      I know women who can achieve orgasms from nipple stimulation alone (lucky bitches). Pretty sure they have some sexual purpose …for some of us at least.

    • BeatriceC

      At 62 (MrC) and 40 (me) my breasts are exclusively fun bags, thank you very much! There will be no more babies in this house, unless there’s an unplanned teenage pregnancy and the girl moves in with us. Given that we’re extremely open about sexual health and birth control, our chances are good that won’t happen.

    • namaste863

      God forbid women enjoy sex.

      • MLE

        Well the crazy part was that my intro to lactivism was via two women who I knew in college who I actually heard enjoying (in the other room) quite a bit of sex and who didn’t have unhealthy attitudes about it as far as I knew. So the volte face was shocking and made me think that I was some kind of weirdo if these two didn’t incorporate their breasts in sex. I’m still baffled by their complete embrace of that aspect of lactivism and wish I knew what happened.

    • Madtowngirl

      I get irritated with that argument, too. How many women screaming about how their breasts aren’t sexual wore low cut shirts at bars to pick someone up?

      No, I don’t think the act of feeding an infant is sexual. But it’s hypocritical to claim breasts aren’t sexual, when we (as women!) use them to attract sexual partners.

    • NoLongerCrunching

      So she doesn’t use any other body parts for both sexual and biological purposes? Maybe she should stop kissing her husband or allowing her birth canal to be involved in their marriage.

      • Roadstergal

        Her man had better not be using the same organ for sex _and_ urination.

    • DelphiniumFalcon

      Hmmm… I have a question for them.

  • OttawaAlison

    I kind of love the whole middle-schoolness at the end of the article “the AP and Breastfeeding moms I know judge you too”, kind of like when a mean girl in grade 7 spends time telling a girl she doesn’t like that many other girls hate her too, whether or not it is true.

    • CSN0116

      I don’t know if everyone I know just AP’s wrong, or if it’s the objective, but their kids are like seriously messed up and suffering. They are socially awkward, will not play with my kids when play is initiated, cry a lot, cling, and are the only ones throwing fits well into week 16 when starting pre school. They are under-slept, exhausted, eat like shit (because they get to choose) and most are diagnosed with some combo of ADD, ADHD or (my fave) ODD. I have seen one even swing from the fucking chandelier at dinner, but he could only be “redirected” to stop. Oh, and mom had made him his 4th dinner request that evening. So Alex can say that her AP friends judge me, because I’m right over here with my jaw dropped to the ground starring right back at them.

      • Who?

        The parents are pretty nutty on the whole, so it’s never clear to me what parts nature and nurture, respectively, play in the kids’ behaviour.

      • NoLongerCrunching

        I am really worried I screwed up my kids by my rigid devotion to attachment parenting. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, and my family heaped praise on me for being a “good mother” but as time went on it became clear that it was not helping their development. I just hope it didn’t cause any permanent damage.

        • AirPlant

          Just remember that kids are ungrateful assholes pretty much no matter how you raise them. I was pretty spoiled and snotty as a teenager but that pretty much resolved itself once I started paying my own bills.

        • CSN0116

          I think the mere fact that you can put an ideology aside that you previously cared very much for, critically re-analyze it, and adjust yourself based on new evidence you’ve observed, means that your kids will be FINE. It means you’re intelligent, rational and in love with you CHILDREN, not a parenting style or your own pride. And *that’s* all your kids need, my friend 🙂

      • This is a really good point. Kids who are raised without realistic boundaries and parenting techniques THAT WORK FOR THEM are likely to suffer. If they can’t regulate their emotions, they will be miserable in the face of disappointment. If they can’t come to terms with being bored, they will have a really hard time at the post office or the DMV. If they can’t get to sleep, they will be exhausted. I don’t want that kind of suffering for my kids, now or in the future, so I am constantly adjusting and evaluating how I help them (especially the toddler–the 4-month-old still pretty much gets soothed, carried, and fed whenever he wants) figure out what’s a need and what’s a want; what’s an appropriate vs inappropriate way of expressing a feeling; and what is or is not acceptable behavior based on the situation. And for my kid, it’s a combination of AP- style stuff along with some other things that would get me kicked out of the Good Mommies’ Treehouse (*cough* sleep training). Not to say I’m Doing It Right, or that anyone else is Doing It Wrong, just that I am quite sure dogma should always take a back seat to the actual needs of the actual kid in front of you.

        • Bugsy

          Very well said. We do some AP, and some non-AP. My kid? He’s the one in his 4th month of preschool who breaks down in tears when I drop him off. It’s heart-wrenching, and yet I know it’s normal at his age and with the changes in his life (new brother, new house, daddy returning to work after paternity leave). The best skill I feel I can give him is the ability to cope in the larger world independently…others may feel differently and/or have different ways to achieve similar goals. We’re trying to do what works for us, not what is the “proper” way to parent.

          (The rigidity with which my AP friend used to refer to “proper” and “correct” ways of parenting – and hers was obviously always the “best” way with no room for any other perspective – is one of the reasons why she’s no longer in my family’s life.)

    • NoLongerCrunching

      Wow, like we never noticed that before.

      • OttawaAlison

        Oh I know, but this if the first time in a while I have seen such a blatant high school tactic used in an article… It was literally the kind of crap I experienced from a few people in grade 7.

        • NoLongerCrunching

          Omg, I hope you don’t think I was snarking at you. I meant as if we havent noticed that other AP parents are judging. We don’t exactly need her to tell us that.

    • Amy

      Plus, she’s wrong. I only have two kids and I went a straight seven years and some change pregnant, nursing, or both. Do the math. And I’m as AP as they come with regards to the “parenting” part. (We fully use and appreciate modern medicine and the kids are fully vaccinated, and they attend public schools. We’re just more on the Alfie Kohn end of the discipline spectrum.) And I think she’s full of crap. I don’t CARE how other women feed their babies.

  • Amazed

    I always take my health cues from ex-strippers over doctors. I am also heartbroken when an ex-stripper aiming for the lights once again doesn’t approve.

    I happen to believe that the ideal c-section rate should never exceed 5%.

  • HMay

    Thank you so much for writing this! THANK YOU!!

  • pandapanda

    Bitch can judge me all she wants, I’ll just give her a half-assed double birdie and go back to ignoring her.

    • Gene

      Why go half assed? How about a full single bird with some kiss my ass fanny slaps?

      • The Bofa on the Sofa
      • pandapanda

        Because I can just do the double-bird over my shoulder while I look at my iPhone instead of gazing into the eyes of my child whom I have in the Neglecto-moblile, aka stroller. She’d rather have Sophie the Giraffe than me any day of the week. I’m gone, she doesn’t even notice as long as there is some other human there to feed her and change her diaper. Sophie is gone and the world is ending in her eyes.

        • DelphiniumFalcon

          My dad’s work bad been trying to cut down on bad language and gestures lately. He and his coworkers are blue collar through and through and there’s a certain amount of swearing and obscene gestures in blue collar work if my observations have been accurate.

          So instead of flipping people off my dad adopted a new sign that. Spread the fingers out on one hand and hold up like you’re going to high five and then make a thumbs up with the other hand. Put the thumbs up hand in the palm of the other hand, thumb out to make a turkey. Then say, “That was so dumb you don’t just get the finger, you get the whole damn bird!” Lame but it hasn’t gotten him written up yet! And family, friends, and coworkers now know when he slams one hand into the other with that gestur and you can’t hear him, he’s flipping you off.

          Me, I just don’t swear at work and save it for later. And speak in images like this:

  • Brooke

    You’re both just blogging extremist shit to get page views. Yawn.

    • CSN0116

      What, specifically, is extreme about Dr. Amy’s above post? I hear people call her an “extremist” on the “fringe” regarding ideology. But I really can’t say that I understand those accusations. Can you please be very, very specific regarding your opinion?

    • crazy grad mama

      It must be working, since you continue to show up.

      • CSN0116

        Ooooh this is the “woman” who consistently posts short, belligerent snark-attempts! I’m new here, but now I remember.

    • Who?

      Thanks for all your help w that.

    • OttawaAlison

      Yawn. Why come here if you hate it?

    • Monkey Professor for a Head

      What has Dr Tuteur said that is extremist? A better example of extremism would be someone who believes that the ideal c section rate is 5% despite all evidence to the contrary.

    • Azuran

      If you are so bored, why are you still here?

    • Megan

      I hope that means you’re leaving.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa

      Scraps wasn’t riding the Woozy just now. She loved to climb the trees
      and swing herself by the branches from one tree to another. Some of
      the choicest fruit was gathered by the Patchwork Girl from the very
      highest limbs and tossed down to the others. Suddenly, Trot asked,
      “Where’s Button-Bright?” and when the others looked for him, they
      found the boy had disappeared.

      • Erin

        My absolute favourite book of the series, I spent my childhood wanting a glass cat and patchwork girl and my parents failed on both accounts… maybe if my Mother had succeeded at breastfeeding things would have been different!

        • Roadstergal

          OMG the glass cat. I loved it.

    • Nick Sanders

      You consider “stop being an asshole” an extremist view?

    • Amy

      Oh good, so you’ll be leaving?

  • demodocus

    OT: If you’ve had pre-e once during labor are your odds increased for subsequent labors?

    • Sue

      Unfortunately, yes.

      From BMJ 2005: ” Risk factors for pre-eclampsia at antenatal booking: systematic review of controlled studies”

      “the risk of pre-eclampsia is increased in women with a previous history of pre-eclampsia (relative risk 7.19, 95% confidence interval 5.85 to 8.83) and in those with antiphospholipids antibodies (9.72, 4.34 to 21.75), pre-existing diabetes (3.56, 2.54 to 4.99), multiple (twin) pregnancy (2.93, 2.04 to 4.21), nulliparity (2.91, 1.28 to 6.61), family history (2.90, 1.70 to 4.93), raised blood pressure (diastolic ≥ 80 mm Hg) at booking (1.38, 1.01 to 1.87), raised body mass index before pregnancy (2.47, 1.66 to 3.67) or at booking (1.55, 1.28 to 1.88), or maternal age ≥ 40 (1.96, 1.34 to 2.87, for multiparous women). Individual studies show that risk is also increased with an interval of 10 years or more since a previous pregnancy, autoimmune disease, renal disease, and chronic hypertension.”

      • demodocus

        Thank you. I don’t really understand the numbers, but at least i don’t have diabetes, family history, or twins. We’ll make sure we tell the attending that I had it last time when the time comes.

    • guest

      Yes, unfortunately. It’s not a given that you’ll have it again, but you’ll need careful monitoring.

      • demodocus

        Thank you and Sue, it’s what I suspected, but my ob was trying not to worry me so he was fuzzy when I asked him. (i’m depressed with this pregnancy, but i don’t beat mysef up over medical things i cannot do much about right now)

  • Gene

    These are the same people who tend to judge mothers who work outside the home (how can you exclusively BF if you work??). Yet would clutch their pearls and howl to the heavens if their precious snowflake had a male kindergarten teacher or they themselves had a male gynecologist. Gender roles are STRICTLY defined and those upstarts who cross the lines are highly suspect. So if us weirdo wimmin want to get an edumacation, we aren’t allowed to have kids. It would be selfish.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa

      My son has a guy first grade teacher, 8s that good enoigh?

    • Brooke

      Ever heard of a breastpump? Or onsite daycare?

      • moto_librarian

        Oh, just toss off! Do you know how incredibly rare it is to have on-site daycare? And how often you have to pump during the workday to EBF?

      • pandapanda

        Ever heard of formula, so I can continue to be productive at my job to keep a roof over my child’s head and healthcare going?

        Pumping would mean being away 2 more hours a day to make up the productivity that I lost, which means being away from my child. What is more important – that breastmilk or time with my baby? And no, I can’t quit. I make more money and have worlds better healthcare than my husband.

      • RMY

        Ever heard of not having a pumping friendly job that doesn’t offer onsite daycare? (IE food service, bus driving, retail, etc)

      • Who?

        Ever heard of compassion?

        There’s a nifty gadget, could be a book, could be online, called a dictionary. You can look up words in there, and it explains their meaning.

        I’ve given you the correct spelling for ‘compassion’, locate a dictionary and take a moment to look it up. I don’t expect you’ll understand it on an emotional level but you might find the concept momentarily engaging.

      • demodocus

        No job my parents or i have ever had has on-site daycare. And teachers barely have enough time to both pee and slurp some soup from a thermos while grading papers never mind taking several breaks to pump.

        • BeatriceC

          Wait?!?!? You have time to pee during the school day? Lucky you. I never had that much time while I was teaching. Shortly after I moved into the corporate world, my boss asked me what my favorite thing about the job was and I answered without hesitation “being able to use the bathroom anytime I needed to.”

          • demodocus

            Only on lunch break! Fortunately, bathroom’s close

          • BeatriceC

            I think out of ten years I might have had two or three terms when I truly had a duty free lunch.

          • demodocus

            I hear you.

          • Who?

            You know he’ll never ask anyone that question ever again? 😉

          • Dr Kitty

            One of the ironies of life as a junior doctor is being bleeped urgently to see a patient who hasn’t passed urine in twelve hours… All the while knowing that neither have you…

          • Margo

            Haha Dr Kitty, yes!!!!

          • Amazed

            My mom is the teacher who uses the bathroom anytime she needs to. Not because she has the time. Because the consequences if she doesn’t might be quite unpleasant. Any guess why this is?

          • BeatriceC

            Option A: because she spent years not peeing when she needed to and now has health problems as a result.

            Option B: The trauma of a vaginal birth caused pelvic floor damage and now she has incontinence issues.

            Option C: All of the above.

          • Amazed

            Option B. She had a 9-pounder followed by a 10-pounder followed (a few weeks after the 10-pounder) by a doctor’s grave warning, “One day, you’ll sneeze and pee.” She was all, “One day? Like yesterday?”
            We weren’t kind to her even before we were born, I fear. She went to the hospital to have me with all her teeth in place. She left with half a tooth less.

          • guest

            That’s why I teach college – I can still have the petty internal politics, paltry paycheck, and public demonization of primary and secondary school teachers, but since my student are adults I can leave the room any time I want to pee.

      • Dr Kitty

        How does that work at McDonalds? Or Walmart? Or for a server at a Michelin starred restaurant?

        I was lucky when I went back to work. I was working in a children’s hospital with on call rooms where I could pump and a fridge that I could store milk in.
        I was unlucky because I went back to work on a rolling 7 day on/2days off rota in the paediatric ER. I had a block of 8am to 5pm shifts, then midday to 9pm shifts, 4pm to 1am shifts, 8pm to 5am and midnight to 8am shifts… Then I got a week off.
        Have you the slightest idea how difficult it is to schedule feeds and pump at work when you’re on that kind of schedule, never mind that you’re so busy that urinating is a rarity, eating anything other than vending machine candy is a luxury and finding 10 minutes to pump is a miracle?

        I’m lucky. I have ample supply and good storage capacity. I coped. I pumped before and after work, fed the baby before and after work and my child never had formula, despite the fact that I was able to pump AT work maybe 25% of the time.

        This time, when I go back to work it’ll be 9-5, 3 days a week. I work a desk job.I have my own office with a lockable door, right beside the pantry and fridge. I’m in charge of my scheduling, so I can MAKE 10 minutes to pump. I am under no illusions about how lucky I am.

        Brooke, I don’t know what world you live in where everyone can make time to pump at work or have their children onsite.

        • Bombshellrisa

          “How does that work at McDonalds? Or Walmart? Or for a server at a Michelin starred restaurant?”
          Also hard if you are self employed. If my husband and I split up the week where I go do his work at the dealership (he does mobile auto paint repair) there is no daycare. If I want to pump I could jump into a car and park it away from everything and hope nobody comes over with more work for me to look at. Or I could go in the storage container where the supplies are kept and sit on a crate. I could wear my pumping bra while painting a car. But pumping will take time that I could be doing a touch up, masking off a car or be available to do a quick job that will ensure a car will sell and put more money in our pocket. It’s good work and I am proud to have a skill in a field that is not considered traditional for women (my other field of work is nursing) but it doesn’t lend itself to pumping or bringing my child to work so they can nurse.

      • Azuran

        I don’t personally know anyone who has an on-site daycare. Those are rare.
        As for pumping. If you want to do it, knock yourself out, but many people out there can’t or don’t want to do it at their job.
        Also, pumping at work is only going to work for you is you have ample supply and are able to express it quickly enough while pumping. No employer ever (no matter how BF friendly they are) are going to pay you to pump 45 minutes every hour.

        • BeatriceC

          I worked for an insanely accommodating corporation when it came to breastfeeding mothers. In my department hey had a special room that was comfy and cozy and only accessible to those who’s security keys were programed to unlock that door. The room was decked out with four hospital grade breast pumps (mothers had to supply the personal parts) and kept stocked with disposables such as breast pads and extra collection bags. Breastfeeding mothers could be scheduled for up to four additional breaks for a total of 90 minutes in addition to their two regular 15 minute break and one half hour lunch. In spite of all that, many mothers found pumping at work to be too difficult.

          For a major bank, this was a very socially forward company. They’ve been offering domestic partner benefits for over a decade, and while they’ve never had a female CEO, there are women fairly high up in the corporate ranks. When this shit hit the fan in my life they bent over backwards to keep me on the payroll for as long as possible, keeping me on paid leave for 18 months before finally having to say “you need to come back to work in some fashion or we’re going to have to separate”. They did that because two of my three kids went in for several major orthopedic operations each, one of which we had to travel halfway across the country for. And speaking of that, they paid for most of that travel. To say this place was family friendly would be an understatement.

          Still, there was no onsite daycare. Families still had to juggle child care and work hours. For some, it was too much. Others managed, but had to reduce their workload and saw their careers slow down or stagnate. It’s just not realistic to expect women to be able to “do it all”, at least not until society drastically changes its expectations. Decisions have to be made. If the woman is the primary, or only breadwinner, then making sure her career stays on track is more beneficial to her children in the long run, as she remains more financially stable.

          • The Bofa on the Sofa

            I know companies that have “on-site daycare.” The problem is that the companies are all so big that “on-site” means a separate building within property. Some people might be within walking distance, but most are not.

            That’s real handy, right?

            Actually, it IS relatively handy, but not quite what she is suggesting.

          • demodocus

            The federal building my spouse works at has one on the first floor. But you still only have 2 15 minute breaks plus lunch. If you work on the 30th floor, you need to use 2 sets of elevators. And if your kid is like mine was and tends to fall asleep mid meal…

          • pandapanda

            My federal building has one too…but it costs three times as much as the one right by our house. That’s what I get for living in the cheaper part of town and working in the more expensive. Yeah, not thank you for paying that much more to have her in the same building.

          • Who?

            I can see lots of advantages to onsite daycare, depending on your circumstances, but being able to visit/feed the baby as a routine thing isn’t likely to be one of them.

          • demodocus

            Yeah, I don’t know if it’s more expensive there than here, but if it’s much more than the local ones, it’s not worth the extra snuggles. Granted, hubby would love to come down for a quick snuggle 😉

        • Roadstergal

          We have on-site day care, and mothers’ rooms on every floor. It’s very competitive to get a job here. :

          Those two factors mean that if a woman wants to BF her kid, it’s a lot easier here than at other workplaces. Also, we have excellent health care packages, generous parental leave, flexible work-from-home, and good local schools. So add this workplace to ‘correlation vs causation’ with breastfeeding and good long-term outcomes.

      • Gene

        Oh honey… I breastfed three kids exclusively for over a year each. The breast pump and I are well acquainted. But a true lactivist considers fresh from the tap the ONLY true version of breastfeeding.

        As for on site daycare? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

        (Deep breath)

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      • Box of Salt

        “Or onsite daycare?”
        It is something I’ve wished for.

      • guest

        Yes, because the US is just OVERFLOWING with affordable, on-site day care centers.

      • Allie P

        I’ve heard of them. Doesn’t mean they work on me.

      • Sue

        Has “Brooke” ever heard of intelligent, evidence-based discourse?

        I guess not, from the evidence here.

      • Michele

        Lol weren’t you telling us the other day all about how a pump was never as good as a baby?
        I’ve heard of onsite daycare. Much like other mythical creatures I’ve never actually encountered it in the wild, nor do I personally know anyone who has.

    • crazy grad mama

      Sadly, this kind of attitude isn’t limited to the most backwards gender essentialists. The most lactivist woman I know is a working mother herself, highly educated, devoted to her job—but she martyred herself pumping every minute of her break time and consequently can’t stand it if anyone suggests breast milk is anything less than a magical elixir from the gods.

      • RMY

        I de-friended someone who was TTC at the same time I was because after her baby was born, all she wanted to talk about was breastmilk. Note: before her kid was born, she and I agreed on 90% of our plans, including the importance of working and how exclusively breastfeeding seemed like a goal not worth killing yourself over.

      • Who?

        She’s probably stressed out of her head, getting pressure from who knows where-real or imagined-and just trying to hold it together.

        Hopefully she’ll get some distance on it and feel calmer.

        • crazy grad mama

          She’s not in the middle of it anymore, but yeah, it’s only been a few years.

          • Who?

            All that stuff recedes.

            In my experience the loudliest crowing parents often have the kids who don’t ‘perform’ so well as they get older. It’s really hard on people when they tell everyone how they put body and soul into their kids and the kids don’t quite make whatever grade the parent had in mind for them.

            Either she’ll get over it, and go quiet, or the kids won’t turn out to be morally exemplary academic geniuses who are fabulous at sport, and she’ll go quiet.

          • BeatriceC

            I think for some people, particularly highly educated people, the thought of admitting they’re wrong causes major emotional distress, particularly when they made major sacrifices to do something. In this woman’s case, she moved heaven and earth to provide only breastmilk, so the cognitive disconnect in admitting that everything she put herself through doesn’t have that much of an impact, if any, is probably too much for her to bear. In some ways, I feel sorry for people in that position.

          • CSN0116

            Which is why the rhetoric must be corrected, IMO.

          • Who?

            I don’t think it’s helpful to try to change it when they are in it, except perhaps to gently suggest that martyring oneself does not a good role model make.

            It’s not a mindset that develops overnight, and people can’t be reasoned out of it, even the usually most reasonable.

          • CSN0116

            No, I agree that there is no bringing one back who’s already “in.” But changing the rhetoric on the macro scale would change the culture, and therefore there wouldn’t really be an “in” for which to get trapped. If that all makes sense.

          • Who?

            That’s a nice thought.

            We seem to love to find ways to compete, and prefer competition to kindness and minding our own business.

            If it wasn’t breastfeeding, it would be something else, particularly where children are such a money-spinner for so many ‘service’ providers.

      • CSN0116

        I have seen this happen time and time again :/ There is a legit psychological breakdown that occurs with women like this. And it’s unique all its own. But at the heart of it: the agony MUST be justified. There HAS to be a payoff, real or imagined.

    • Madtowngirl

      It’s such a bizarre juxtaposition. “Breastfeeding is about feminism! Now breastfeed and be a stay at home mom, or you aren’t a REAL parent.”

    • Bombshellrisa

      Or (as mentioned in my comment below), we choose to work in a field that is non traditional for women (mobile auto repair, plumbing, electrician) and doesn’t lend itself to pumping, nursing at work or on site daycare.

    • guest

      I had a male gynecologist for a while, a perfectly nice older man who always had a female nurse in the room for exams, of course, and treated me quite well. Everyone I’ve ever mentioned this to thinks I was completely nuts, and most of my friends (the only people I would mention it to) are not NCB types or lactivists.

      • Gene

        I have a 2/3 record of male OBs for delivery. I wanted 3/3, but my favorite guy wasn’t on that day! Boo!

      • demodocus

        I prefer the men at my obs’ office to the women, at least the ones I’ve seen so far. Dr. P was wearing perfume (maybe just perfumed hand sanitizer) when I get pregnancy nose (and it was far worse last time). Dr. R. just rubbed me the wrong way metaphorically speaking.

      • Roadstergal

        I’ve had one male OB by chance, and he was awfully hot by my standards. I didn’t mind…

      • Amy M

        I see a woman OB, but she is a childless lesbian, so I guess that would be ok? There was a male OB there for the birth of my children, and he was fine.

      • KeeperOfTheBooks

        FWIW, my OBGYN is also an older (straight) man. If there’s any undressing whatsoever going on, he’s got a female nurse in the room, thankyouverymuch. I’ve found him to be an excellent doc: smart, gentle-but-honest, compassionate, and decidedly at the top of his game, judging by both my treatment and what virtually every nurse on the postpartum floor had to say about him.

    • Dr Kitty

      One of my friends is a gay male OB/Gyn.
      He likes it because he gets a mix of medicine and surgery and babies (yay babies!) without the boys’ club macho atmosphere of other surgical specialties.

      His patients adore him.
      No worrying about inappropriate sexual behaviour, no worrying about being judged by another woman, and he’s very patient centred (open to everything from natural birth to MRCS).

      If I didn’t know him socially, I’d totally want him as my doctor.

  • CSN0116

    So when hit with scientific, factual information that thousands of hours, 10 bouts of mastitis, 5 of thrush, limited ability to do anything or go anywhere without a baby or a machine, an infant who requires twice the number of feeds per day, on and on we go… does nothing to better said baby – we need to talk about what DOES influence better health and IQ in children: maternal educational attainment; money; mothers in supervisory positions within their places of work; children in good school districts …

    Can I assume Alex has spent the time getting a doctorate; a six figure paying career; climbing the corporate ladder to administration; and enough wealth to have the house with the highest property taxes and thus best school district, or that she’s paying out of pocket for the best private school?

    Didn’t think so. Cuz it’s a lot easier to just lactate.

  • Marie Gregg

    I’m amazed at how women continue to tear each other apart. I could not possibly care less about which of my friends chooses to exclusively breastfeed, which ones use formula and which ones do a combination. It literally never even enters my mind as something I should think about or have an opinion on.

    “Alex Alexander” needs to get a life. And a heart.

    • GingerKat

      You couldn’t care less because you don’t care about health. it’s simply you’re into forcing people
      to vaccinate but hey ya pull out that gmo soy and feed it to your baby, you’re the one that needs both heart and a mind.

      • Marie Gregg

        Amazing how you know so much about me.

      • Nick Sanders

        Ooh, a two-fer.

      • crazy grad mama

        Is this supposed to make sense? Are you being satirical?

      • Who?

        Well since it is none of Marie’s business how other people care for their children, it is entirely appropriate that she doesn’t concern herself with feeding methods.

        Perhaps you could take a leaf out of her book and mind your own business? Though if you are so bat crap stupid as to be an antivaxxer, then trying to talk to you is a waste of time.

  • crazy grad mama

    I so, so badly want to post this on Facebook right now, but I’m afraid of the shitstorm that might ensue.

    • CSN0116

      Never be afraid. They’re not. And right now “they’re” all new moms hear from. Share the fuck out of it.

    • BeatriceC

      I’m with you on not wanting to share. I like to keep my Facebook page drama and conflict free. I tend to keep quiet on certain topics. Most of the woo-prone people are gone from my life, but there’s a couple I can’t avoid (like my step-daughter and her wife). I go so far as to keep my mouth shut when they bring things up in person. I just don’t like conflict at all.

  • Mom2Many

    What an incredibly vile viewpoint Ms Alexander has. Reading how condescending (and proud of it) this woman is, truly makes me want to weep. So many parents who have been guilted into doing something that has been proven to have minimal advantage wherever clean water can be had. Our foster children have thrived with formula, my two little ones in my care now, (2 and 1) have never ever in their lives needed antibiotics or pain meds for any type of illness, and believe me, that is following a pregnancy that was not ideal. My own four children, who were all exclusively breastfed, had me at the doctors much more often. Anecdotal, I know, but I say that to show that I have no pony in this race.
    Formula or breast, as long as those precious children are not deprived of food or love.

    • Who?

      I don’t think love comes into it for the author. It’s all about biology-so what’s love got to do with it?

    • Monkey Professor for a Head

      And I’m willing to bet that you bonded with your foster children despite not having given birth to them or breastfed them.

      • Mom2many

        You would win that bet! I love them deeply and it is gut-wrenching when they leave. I feel like a grief-saturated sponge, each loss brings back pain from the other losses. Our average time with them is 2 years, almost always straight from the hospital. Bonding happens in a million ways, breasts are not the magic elixer for that to occur. Oh, and hubby and sons bond too…go figure!

        • Sue

          Thanks for the valuable work you do, Mom2many, and the love you and your family give those tiny ones.

    • ladyloki

      I don’t mean to be *that* person, but please don’t say “my own” when referring to biological children versus foster children. They are all your own children, they just entered your life in different ways.

  • demodocus

    I wonder what enjoying “all those lovely hormones” is like because I certainly didn’t get them. I *never* bonded over breastfeeding. Sleepy snuggles (with both of us fully clothed ’cause it was the middle of freaking winter) worked much better. This person is out of their gourd.

    • Commander30

      When breastfeeding, I had to hold my baby EXACTLY the right way, had to wear a nipple shield and massage my breast to get the milk to let down, if my baby moved her head at all she’d knock the nipple shield off and I had to start all over… and on top of all of that, I worried about her getting enough milk because she was always hungry after all of that and a thirty minute nursing session. I cannot tell you how much better I have been able to bond with her after switching to formula. (Plus, I can see her face now. It’s hard to bond and look in your baby’s eyes when you have huge boobs that are in the way!)

      I have to wonder what this woman would say to me. Obviously I tried breastfeeding (although I have a feeling many would say I gave up too soon and could have tried harder), but I’ve already said that I’m not even going to bother trying if I have a second baby. Do I have to try with each baby to avoid this person’s judgment, or is one try enough? Not that I care if she judges me or not. She doesn’t like how I feed my baby? So what? It’s my baby, and I’m not telling her how to feed hers, so I couldn’t care less what she (or anyone else) thinks!

  • The original work is nothing short of misogynistic, able-ist hate speech. I hate to think what she’d write about caesarean by choice moms…or adoptive moms…or same sex parents. Sadly, you are right, it is socially sanctioned bullying and only when people label it as such, will it end.

    • RMY

      She might be okay with lesbian parents as long as the gestational mother lactates and the non-gestational mother induces lactation artificially with sketchy drugs.

  • Megan

    What’s most impressive is the arrogance that it must require him/her to assume formula feeding moms give two shits what he/she thinks. I’ll happily give my baby formula and no longer care at all what anyone thinks.

  • Green Fish

    I don’t think this “Ms. Alexander” really exists. It’s either several people writing under the same pseudonym or one troll that isn’t necessarily female.
    If you look through the list of pieces written by “Alex Alexander” you also find stuff like this:
    http://www.yourtango.com/2015267315/i-lost-my-virginity-to-a-larger-woman
    and this
    http://www.yourtango.com/2015276374/im-a-slut-and-100-percent-proud-of-it-so-stop-shaming-me-already

    • AirPlant

      Oh click bait. Making the Internet shittier since forever.

      • demodocus

        lol, only feels like forever.

    • Anne Catherine

      ooh how interesting is that!

      And, about that post,

      I really don’t get the point of the article…. she (or he) seems to know that there are plenty of good reasons not to breastfeed, and that for many women, it’s just not the right choice. Her exemption list is long (as it should be). So, I don’t know how many women she really wants to judge…

      FIrst of all, the breastfeeding initiation rate is about 80% (so they tried)
      The percentage of kids that go to the NICU is about 8%
      The percent of women who were sexually abused is between 12 and 20%

      And how many more mothers:
      Have cancer or a chronic disease and BF isn’t the best choice for them?
      Or are on meds that are incompatible with breastfeeding?
      Are physically unable to for one reason or other?
      Have to go back to work soon after giving birth (I read a 25% stat. on this–but??)
      Or have “any other valid reason” not to breastfeed?

      And how many babies:
      Have reflux, tounge tie, cleft lip/palate, or another problem incompatible with breastfeeding?

      I would bet that very few women just don’t want to…. for no reason whatsoever. (That said, if they do, their kids will be fine and they should not be judged).

      I attemtped breastfeeding both of my children, but failed.
      If I had known that the health benfits were so small, I would not have chosen to breastfeed (just not my thing), and would have been one of those few women who would be judged

  • Deborah

    Leave my fun bags alone.

  • Hannah

    Slightly on topic: The previews for the next Call the Midwife episode (season 5 began Sunday in the UK) look like they’re going to be taking on the lactivists. I hope so, about time they started getting pushback from a show like this.

    • crazy grad mama

      Oh, I hope so too. They’ve pushed “breast is best” a bit loudly a few times. And I just watched the episode where a mother gets put on hospital bed rest, freaks out because the hospital is stern and scary, and then insists on a home birth. To the show’s credit though [*mild spoiler*], the home birth doesn’t turn out all wonderful and roses.

  • Gatita

    You’re a mammal. You’re built to lactate.

    And again I say no one ever tells women, “You have a brain. You’re built to perform calculus… Or to lead multinational corporations… Or to become President of the U.S.

    • demodocus

      One could argue that having a brain disqualifies you for being president 😉

      • KeeperOfTheBooks

        Or from wanting to be president.
        Not sure if you’re in the US or not, but right now I look at the current options for both parties and want nothing so much as a very, very strong drink–but being in a Delicate Condition, I can’t indulge, or at least not to that extent. Thank goodness the kiddo’ll be out by November; I’m beginning to think that the only reasonable option, voting-wise, is getting tipsy, doing a Wikiwander, and writing in the seventeenth name that happens to come up in the process.

        • demodocus

          i live in a swing state, god help me. The commercials! the phone calls! Your plan sounds good though, lol. my own delicate condition should be resolved by the republican convention; might need a drink to get through that…
          why oh why do they always call during naptime!!!???

          • Bugsy

            Lol – in my previous American life, I moved to Florida from more liberal strongholds. Oh gosh, the non-stop politics during federal elections stunned me!

    • Mel

      The argument that we’re mammals therefore built to lactate is an odd one even from a biological standpoint.

      1) Male mammals don’t generally lactate.

      2) Mammals also have hair. Why isn’t this person writing some blathering about people shaving? That’s as “unnatural” as formula feeding.

      3) Humans have a far more variable weaning timeline than any other mammal that I’m aware of. Yes, most mammals will put off weaning for a bit if their offspring are weak, but human societies have histories of weaning of anywhere from several months to several years. That – to me – implies that humans have been supplementing breastmilk successfully for a long time.

    • namaste863

      Right? Granted, this is just me. I personally value my mind a million times more than my biology, and my parents and I have shelled out a huge amount of time, money, and effort on some of the best private schools in my state (California) to develop it (Current grad student in Social Work at University of Southern California, AKA University of Spoiled Children). I’ll be damned if I am going to be remembered for how I use my tits rather than how I use my brain.

  • AirPlant

    I would argue that my breasts are not for my husband or my baby, but are in fact for me to use as I choose.
    I really don’t care if mother nature has an opinion, that bitch has screwed me over enough times that I have pretty much stopped taking her opinion into consideration.

    • Amazed

      Mother Nature screwed our family twice when she tried to kill my brother. For years, she’s been screwing me with pains every month – or twice a month, as the case was before I got my treatment. I do not worship at her altar. In fact, once a month I lay flowers at the altar of the goddess of zumba.

      My breasts, my choice, my chosen words in the faces of morons who can’t see past the substance their body produces (and no, I don’t mean breasts and breastmilk, I mean mouth and shit. Just in case you wonder.)

  • fearlessformulafeeder

    Hearty applause from me, Amy!