If lactation consultants treated erectile dysfunction …

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Mr. Jones, so nice to meet you.

Allow me to introduce myself, Ima Frawde, IBCEC. What are the letters for? International Board Certified Ejaculation Consultant, of course. I support men who have ejaculation dysfunction at the low introductory price of $200 per hour. I’m here to help you with your erectile dysfunction.

Examine you? No, I’m not going to examine you. I know what’s wrong without examining you; I learned during my training that so called “erectile dysfunction” is always caused by the man who claims he is suffering from it. Different ejaculation consultants may have different opinions about a variety of issues, but on one thing we are all agreed: there is no such thing as “not enough” erectile function.

Just think about it. If erectile dysfunction were real, the population of the world would have died out long ago and we wouldn’t be here. We’re here, so that proves my point!

There is no such thing as “not enough” erectile function.

What is causing your problem? Well, there are a number of possibilities.

1. You are not trying hard enough.

Some men simply don’t care about giving their wives the best sexual experience possible. Let’s face it, sexual intercourse can be a challenge and most husbands are just too lazy to meet the demands of regular activity. When the going gets tough, they give up and give in, opting for vibrators and other sex toys. Sure their wives may seem satisfied with vibrators, but over time those same wives will experience a decrease in IQ. If you really cared about your wife, Mr. Jones, you’d try harder. Lololol, get it? Try harder?

2. You are deformed, but that’s not an excuse.

Sigh, you have a circumcised penis, and we all know who’s to blame for that. Your ignorant parents never realized that circumcision causes erectile dysfunction. Sure you might not have noticed it for the first 65-70 years of life and it might not have started until after you had your first heart attack and began insulin for diabetes, but it is just as much the cause as if you were circumcised yesterday. Too bad for you.

3. Decreased blood flow? Don’t be silly.

You might have heard that erectile dysfunction can be caused by diseases that decrease blood flow to all organs, not just the penis, but it’s not true. That’s just a lie made up by Big Pharma in an effort to sell Viagra. There is no such thing as “not enough blood flow”! Your body is perfectly designed to have an erection and if you only gave it enough time, everything would be fine.

4. So what if your wife is crying because you can’t have intercourse; she’ll just have to wait.

Erectile dysfunction is a matter of supply and demand. If you don’t try to have sex often enough, you’ll never have enough blood flow. You have to keep trying to have sex over and over and over again each day and eventually there will be enough blood flow for erections on demand.

5. You’re doing it wrong.

Positioning is very, very important to prevent erectile dysfunction. If you held your wife the right way, she’d be able to “latch on” to your penis properly and you would then get an erection. So basically this is all your fault.

Oops, time’s up. You can pay with a check, although cash under the table is always appreciated. I’ll be back later in the week for another session. Just remember what I told you: you are not trying hard enough; you are deformed; there is no such thing as decreased blood flow; your wife is just going to have to deal with her disappointment; and, don’t forget, you are doing it wrong.

What? Of course it is your fault! Stop whining that there’s something wrong just so you have an excuse to stop having intercourse. We all know that is what is really going on.

You feel worse now?

No need to thank me; I’m just doing my job as an IBCEC, International Board Certified Ejaculation Consultant.

 

This piece first appeared in January 2013.

  • TsuDhoNimh

    You forgot … “Trust your penis”!

  • KeeperOfTheBooks

    $200 an hour? That’s a 50% discount from the local IBCLCs’ rate! *snort*

  • Roadstergal

    Oh, I remember the original comments to this post were epic, but then that whackadoodle intactivist broke the post…

    • myrewyn

      Oh I’m glad it got reposted then! I’m new enough I must have missed it the first time around.

    • Azuran

      How long you think before he comes back?

    • BeatriceC

      I missed it the first time around.

      • Azuran

        Basically it was some dude, who got circumcised for medical reason at 14. And apparently it left him unable to have sensation on his penis. So now, he lives in a basement and spends his days on the internet trying to convince people that circumcision is basically the worst form of mutilation in the world. That everyone who does it is a pedophile, and that everyone who are circumcised are crippled and completely sexually dysfunctional. And that anyone claiming to have even an ounce of sexual pleasure is lying.
        Probably because of the Jews, it’s always the Jews.

        • BeatriceC

          Ahhh. Sounds like it could have been fun to read. Too bad I missed it.

          More seriously, I do sometimes feel bad for people like that. I don’t doubt that maybe something went wrong, but then to go that far off the deep end…*sigh*

          • Azuran

            Yea, mostly it was sad. We pretty much all recommended he goes get help at some point.

          • Dr Kitty

            I so wanted to be empathetic and feel sorry for him, but he was so deeply unpleasant it was very hard to feel anything for him but contempt and pity.

          • Who?

            More frustrating. He was in love with his suffering.

        • Nick Sanders

          I remember him! He had severe phimosis, and was absolutely dead certain that all other men used his rather unique masturbation method, which being circumcised so that he didn’t develop severe infections or other problems took away from him. This was apparently so devastating to him that he devoted the rest of his life to complaining about all circumcision instead of just finding a new way to wank and moving on.

        • Roadstergal

          He apparently couldn’t leave his foreskin alone enough to let it heal, so they had to remove it. :p Never have I learned so much about a penis I will never be anywhere near.

          • myrewyn

            Wait so his masturbation technique caused the issue in the first place?

          • Nick Sanders

            I didn’t get that impression, just that he was obsessed with his technique of tweaking and tugging his foreskin, and once that was gone he refused to try anything else, deciding that a lack of a foreskin was the greatest evil in the world, even if it had previously been so tight that it could not go down over the glans.

          • myrewyn

            Ah, so there’s no lasting physical reason he can’t achieve an orgasm? Then I don’t feel bad for him.

          • Nick Sanders

            Well, he’s convinced he glans is numb and can’t be stimulated, and he may have had a surgery that didn’t go correctly or didn’t heal right, but I don’t remember exactly.

          • Azuran

            Honestly, it was hard to tell. He seemed really happy to be miserable and not willing to do anything to improve his situation. So it’s not very clear what was really his physical limitation and what was him just deciding it couldn’t work anymore.

          • Nick Sanders

            Truth, dude had a gigantic martyr complex.

          • myrewyn

            so he stopped believing he could ejaculate. I think we have come full circle now with the breastfeeding analogy.

          • Roadstergal

            I kept telling him to try putting a finger up his butt…

          • myrewyn

            Roadstergal — Masturbation consultant. And you didn’t even charge him for this sound advice?

          • Roadstergal

            Dammit, I need to start a business!

          • kilda

            he couldn’t, his head was in the way

          • Roadstergal

            I got the impression that after the initial infection, he wouldn’t leave his dick alone so it would heal.

  • myrewyn

    No, I think there *would* be a physical examination. “Here, let me twist and pull at your flaccid penis, already raw from trying, and that will surely make you ejaculate”

    • The Bofa on the Sofa

      At $200/hr, I would hope for a happy ending.

      • myrewyn

        I’m DYING

    • Roadstergal

      Continually put your soft penis into your partner whenever she complains about anything.

      • BeatriceC

        Reminds me of the meme that says “A yawn can be a blow job if you’re fast enough”.

  • The Bofa on the Sofa

    Your body is perfectly designed to have an erection and if you only gave it enough time, everything would be fine.

    If men couldn’t get erections, the whole human race would have died out years ago.

    • Roadstergal

      Your penis was designed to erect itself.

    • Mel

      If no men could get erections, that would be true – just like if all women failed at lactation of all babies prior to well-designed formula and clean water, humans would be screwed.

      Nature can handle a lot of individual dead-ends, though, as long as enough men can get erections to out-pace density-dependent and independent mortality rates.

      • Pssst Mel. He’s joking.