Be a birth keeper! Attend Dr. Amy’s CROTCH (College of Raw, Orgasmic, Totally Crunchy Homebirth)

98855BDD-2909-4B09-9FFA-89898B5E403D

I’m going into the birth keeper business!

I’ve decided to start my own school for homebirth and freebirth. I’m concerned that birth has strayed far from what nature intended and part of the reason is that women have forgotten the deeply spiritual aspects of birth. Dr. Amy’s College of Raw, Orgasmic, Totally Crunchy Homebirth (CROTCH) promises to train a new generation of birth workers with greater respect for the animal process of birth than most freebirth advocates do.

The birth keeper holds the space in the mother’s bank account previously held by her money.

The motto at Dr. Amy’s CROTCH is nothing so banal as “trust birth.” Our motto is “Worship Birth … or your baby will get autism” and we do that by faithfully imitating the other members of the animal kingdom.

In the first place, the term “homebirth” merely represents the fact that it takes place outside the hospital. Obviously it does not take place at home. Our animal sisters give birth in dens and under dense foliage; therefore, a CROTCH birth takes place in a burrow excavated from dirt by the mother in the days leading up to the birth.

In addition:

At CROTCH, we teach that birth is not simply orgasmic; it is multi-orgasmic. Study of the female orgasm demonstrates that it is typically accompanied by uterine contractions. Therefore, it only stands to reason that birth as nature intended involves an orgasm with every contraction. We feel sorry for those women who merely have an orgasm at the moment of birth. If they had truly worshiped birth, they would have had hundreds of orgasms.

Obviously, clothes are not natural. In addition to prohibiting hats or clothing of any kind on babies, we at CROTCH impress upon midwives, doulas and other birth workers the need for THEM to be naked at birth. Clothes interfere with their healing auras.

Privacy, of course, is critical. That’s why the mother must be unattended in her burrow. The naked midwife/doula/birth keeper and the mother’s naked partner must always remain downwind of the birthing mother to prevent her labor from stalling by interference with birthy smells. They cannot approach any closer than 100 yards, regardless of how much the mother screams and begs.

If the birth keeper can’t approach the mother, how can she monitor the labor? She can’t, and she shouldn’t. Monitoring and vaginal exams are evil. They are based on the hegemonic, patriarchal medical model of birth that presumes all mothers and babies have a right to live. Any birth worker with even minimal training knows that some babies aren’t meant to live and that mothers die in the hospital, too.

Prenatal care is totally unnecessary. Do animals have prenatal care? No, they don’t, and if prenatal care were necessary, they wouldn’t be here now.

The moments after birth are critical for the mother and baby to imprint upon each other. That’s why at CROTCH we teach birth keepers that mothers must lick their babies clean, and birth keepers must lick the mother’s perineum clean (unless, of course, she is a contortionist and she can lick her own perineum).

The cord must not be severed. The placenta must be left attached until the cord starts to shrivel. Then the mother must eat the entire placenta and cord just like the Khaleesi in Game of Thrones ate the horse heart. At CROTCH we recognize that dehydrating and encapsulating the placenta destroys the very hormones that prevent postpartum depression. All those placenta encapsulation specialists are pathologizing the placenta and stealing the money of unwitting mothers for doing so.

Immediately after birth, the mother must place the baby at her breast … and leave it there for the next 7 years.

At CROTCH we also recognize that not all babies were meant to live. It’s the birth performance that counts, not the baby. And to faithfully recapitulate birth in the animal kingdom, we suggest that the mother eat her young if they do not survive.

At CROTCH, we know that the key to an empowering, spiritual birth is the Holy Trinity. No, not the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, silly; the Mother, the Baby, and the Birth Keeper, or as we prefer to call it: the motherbabybirthkeeper triad. The mother’s body nurtures the baby; the baby knows how to be born; and the birth keeper holds the space in the mother’s bank account previously held by her money.

The best part is that CROTCH is totally free for a one time, non-refundable admission fee of $699 payable in 12 monthly installments of only $99. It’s a bargain at twice the price!

Look for Dr. Amy’s CROTCH, coming to a website near you, and prepare for an empowering birth (raw, orgasmic and totally crunchy) just as nature intended!

 

Adapted from a satire that first appeared in July 2013.

  • Lisa

    Brilliant!!!

  • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

    ” Our animal sisters give birth in dens and under dense foliage; therefore, a CROTCH birth takes place in a burrow excavated from dirt by the mother in the days leading up to the birth.”

    I’m honestly surprised these nature obsessed loons haven’t done this yet.

  • Ravens Starr

    Hilarious!
    Unrelated, I was remembering some things this morning and curious if Dr. Amy or anyone else has thoughts/comments on this?
    My mother was a nurse in the neonate nursery when I was young, in the 70s and 80s. I remember her saying she liked the job because she had happy healthy patients and moms (and resented when she was transferred to other wings of the hospital due to staff shortages). And she added that even if a baby was born who was very sick, since we lived in a small town, the baby would be airlifted to the hospital in the city and she wouldn’t have to see the sad sight of a sick baby fighting for it’s life.
    So I assume the hospital had no NICU unit. I gather these are more common now, but by no means universal. How does this factor into issues like hospital choice, for either homebirth moms, birth center moms, more responsible midwives, or your typical mother who hospital shops? I assume they are less common in rural areas?

    • Lucie

      I only know people who’ve homebirthed in major cities – I think women in rural areas do tend to have a healthier view of the realities of getting to a hospital in the short time one would have in an emergency.

  • Russell Jones

    Epic! “[T]otally free for a one time, non-refundable admission fee of $699 payable in 12 monthly installments of only $99” fits in perfectly, cuz arithmetic is NOT NATURAL.

  • Sarah

    Attend my crotch sounds like a new way of saying kiss my arse.

  • MaineJen

    “…the birth keeper holds the space in the mother’s bank account previously held by her money.”

    LOL!!

  • momofone

    “That’s why the mother must be unattended in her burrow.”

    I may need a new keyboard now. 😀

  • guest

    This humor of this post was a little bit sick and twisted, and possibly made me laugh so hard that my morning coffee went up my nose.

    I needed that. I’m still getting over my own very traumatic labor and delivery experience that happened last year. This was the first time since then that I’ve read something childbirth-related and it didn’t make me cry.

    Thank you for that, Dr. Amy. I dearly, dearly needed that laugh.

    • MainlyMom

      Hugs!! Are you being treated for postpartum anxiety or depression? I had a smooth delivery but my first was rehosptialized at 12 days old with an infection, and it was so scary. I had panic attacks for a year and would sob every time she got a fever until she was at least 2. I didnt know about postpartum anxiety and really would have benefited from talking with someone! It gets better, but it gets better faster with professional help. <3

    • BeatriceC

      There are therapists that specialize in traumatic childbirth. A good therapist is worth more money than exists in the entire world. If you haven’t already, please consider bringing up your continued difficulty with your doctor to get a referral to a therapist. You don’t have to do it by yourself, and you deserve to be happy.

  • Mel

    My husband and I used to laugh that we were grateful for the fact that cows don’t create nests that they line with their own fur like rabbits…or the fur of other less dominant cows. (Seriously. We’d probably end up standing by a cow nest and say “That cow is black and white. Where did she get all that brown fur? We don’t have any brown cows. OMG. STOP attacking THE NEIGHBOR’S HERD!”

    So, Dr. Amy, I’d recommend that women line the burrows that they dig themselves with their own hair.

    • StephanieJR

      Grow extra hair on your chest like a mama bun’s dewlap, pluck it out, and line your burrow with that! ‘Course, it could interfere with your breastfeeding, but a warrior mama accepts all pain for her child! /s

    • sdsures

      “And just WHO is the father of this calf, Bessie??”

  • namaste

    Would it surprise anyone to learn that there actually is a blogger on the web who goes by Vivien who claims licking your baby clean is (What else) good for “Bonding.”

    • demodocus

      Surprised? Not really. Grossed out? Completely.

    • Spamamander ctrl-alt-right-del

      Well, there’s my diet plan for the holidays. Just remember this.

    • MaineJen

      Satire: it’s dead

    • Lucie

      What about bumping it off if it looks a little bit ‘runty’? Surely that’s a mother’s prerogative and who are we to get in the way?

      • sdsures

        The father eats the runts.

  • The Bofa on the Sofa

    When it comes to the umbilical cord, I still believe that any birthing process should follow the lead of the mighty giraffe. Therefore, women should have to give birth well above the ground and have the baby fall, snapping the cord.

    If giraffes can do it, so can we.

    • PeggySue

      Elephants too pretty much.

    • MaineJen

      Nonsense; REAL women gnaw the cord with their teeth, like our feline sisters.

      • sdsures

        What do herbivores do – same thing? ie wildebeest

        They’d have a vested interest in not letting every carnivore within 5 miles know they’ve just birthed a tasty treat.

      • mabelcruet

        The texture of the cord is very rubbery, almost cartilage like. I’ve always said it would make a good doggie chew toy, but maybe it would be a good teething ring for babies as well.

    • sdsures

      Don’t forget the 6-foot-long drop to the ground.

  • KQ Not Signed In

    What a modest proposal!

    And I said yesterday that satire was dead! Mea Culpa.

  • Griffin

    Given the rabid ramblings of some of the guests on some of your posts recently, I reckon you might get some interested fools with this if it wasn’t on your blog, Dr. Tuteur!

    • Lucie

      Just wait, it’ll happen

  • That was hilarious! I’m glad my emerging-reader 5-year-old wasn’t around….

    • sdsures

      Nursery school will be very entertained: “Guess what I read on Mommy’s computer yesterday?”