Scientists create first vaccines against stupidity

Syringe and vials filled with vaccine. Isolated on pure white.

It’s been a dream for so long, but scientists have finally created the first vaccines against human stupidity. Early tests show that they are more than 90% effective at selectively extending the life and promoting the health of intellectual elites. They have the added advantage of also protecting those who are smart enough to follow the scientific advice of those elites.

We call the new injections COVID vaccines.

Though scientists set out to create a vaccine against COVID, they also created an indirect vaccine against stupidity.

They are an entirely new form of vaccine in that they work indirectly against stupidity. A conventional vaccine against stupidity would protect people from being infected by stupid conspiracy theories. They could watch as much Fox News and join as many anti-vax websites without gullibly believing the crap that they spew. In contrast, these new vaccines work by protecting only those who are already scientifically literate, extending their lives and promoting their health by dramatically reducing the incidence of COVID in vaccinated populations.

How does it work?

Here’s an example:

Yesterday Fox News spokesclown Tucker Carlson had this to say about the new vaccines:

Carlson, who has regularly mocked public health experts and questioned the consensus of the scientific and health communities on measures that can be taken to reduce the spread of the coronavirus, highlighted an Alaska health care worker who had an adverse reaction to the vaccine on Tuesday but who responded quickly to standard treatment…

Carlson [opened] his show with the story of the Alaska worker as an on-screen graphic read, “BAD VACCINE REACTIONS.” The text in Carlson’s banner that appeared in the lower-half of the screen snarked, “THERE WILL BE NO QUESTIONING THE CORONA VACCINE.”

Carlson warned his viewers that they should be skeptical of what he described as a “glitzy” effort to get people vaccinated.

Carlson’s comments make it much less likely that those stupid enough to believe his conspiracy mongering will accept the lifesaving vaccine. In large populations, therefore, the educated are far more likely to get the vaccine and get it early, reducing their chance of death or long term impairment. Over time, the elites (and those who follow them) will get healthier and the stupid will sicken and die in greater proportions.

It’s incredibly ironic when you think about it. Right wing conspira-nuts are hyperventilating about ever more moronic and exorbitantly priced treachery (“vaccines contain microchips!”), but if the government wanted to harm Americans, it wouldn’t have to spend billions of dollars on vaccines. It could simply and cheaply dump poison into the water, the air or food.

Or for even less money it could do what it has already done: refuse to acknowledge the value of public health measures. Hundreds of thousands have died as a result, many dying preventable deaths.

A government that really wanted to harm Americans wouldn’t have to sink billions of dollars into a vaccine or trillions of dollars into injecting everyone with microchips. But apparently when you’re stupid, you ignore the obvious in favor of ever more ridiculous conspiracy theories.

So though scientists set out to create a vaccine against COVID, they also created an indirect vaccine against stupidity … which is fine by me. I want to get the vaccine for myself and my family as soon as we possibly can so we can return to normal life without fear of preventable death from the virus.

At the moment about 300 million Americans are ahead of me in line. If the stupid want to give up their places, I can get vaccinated that much sooner. Thanks for your help, Tucker Carlson!