In a startling discovery sure to change our perceptions of our distant ancestors, researchers announced the finding of ancient cave writing about natural parenting. Ima Frawde CPM of the College of Raw, Orgasmic, Totally Crunchy Homebirth (CROTCH) announced the finding and speculated on its implications. The scrawls on the walls of an ancient African cave appear to date back nearly 500,000 years and be written by a tribal “wise woman.” It took scholars nearly a decade to translate them.
Here for the first time is a complete translation:
Ladies, it is time to take parenting back from the patriarchal men who have filled it with interventions. Things are getting out of control.
I’m speaking, of course, about the fact that nearly 40% of all cave dwellers now make fires at the mouths of their caves every single night. The men say that it protects our infants and small children from predators … as if 40% of all babies would be eaten by predators each night if we slept without fire!
I say its just an opportunity to dazzle us with their technical prowess, and then take credit if our babies are not eaten in the night. If predators were really as dangerous as the men claim, we wouldn’t be here.
I’m not against all technology. I respect that some people feel that their lives are improved by stone tools and that hunters believe they catch more game with spears, but fire is going a step too far. We should be sleeping each night as Nature intended, sheltered in caves, whispering affirmations, safe in the knowledge that if we eat right and exercise our children will not be eaten.
I say: Trust carnivores!
Yes, I recognize that babies are less likely to be snatched if they sleep in caves protected by fire, but there is more to sleep than whether the baby survives the night. It may be true that babies who sleep in caves without fire are 10 times more likely to be prey for carnivores than babies who are protected by fire, but the absolute risk of getting eaten on any given night is really very low.
Moreover, in an emergency develops and a lion or jackal is has one of our babies in its jaws, we can light a torch then to frighten the animal away. There’s plenty of time to do that when the emergency occurs; there is no need to have a fire going each and every time darkness falls.
Plus, and this is something that men simply don’t understand, some babies are meant to get eaten.
Ladies, I encourage you to educate yourself about the risks of fire. Overuse of fire can lead to burned clothes, charred cave walls and even burn injuries to children. These risks are simply unacceptable! The fact that a few extra babies may be saved from tigers is a trivial benefit that pales in comparison to the risks.
You think I’m exaggerating? I doubt it. At this rate it is only a matter of time before 100% of cave dwellers sleep in caves protected by fire.
There must be limits to technology! If we don’t call a halt to parenting interventions like fire, the next thing you know all the men will be insisting that we cook our food with fire. Okay, okay, that’s probably an exaggeration, but let’s face it, technology should be reserved for emergencies. For 99.9% of the time, natural is best.
This piece is satire.