Some babies are just meant to get eaten


In a startling discovery sure to change our perceptions of our distant ancestors, researchers announced the finding of ancient cave writing about natural parenting. Ima Frawde CPM of the College of Raw, Orgasmic, Totally Crunchy Homebirth (CROTCH) announced the finding and speculated on its implications. The scrawls on the walls of an ancient African cave appear to date back nearly 500,000 years and be written by a tribal “wise woman.” It took scholars nearly a decade to translate them.

Here for the first time is a complete translation:

Ladies, it is time to take parenting back from the patriarchal men who have filled it with interventions. Things are getting out of control.

I’m speaking, of course, about the fact that nearly 40% of all cave dwellers now make fires at the mouths of their caves every single night. The men say that it protects our infants and small children from predators … as if 40% of all babies would be eaten by predators each night if we slept without fire!

I say its just an opportunity to dazzle us with their technical prowess, and then take credit if our babies are not eaten in the night. If predators were really as dangerous as the men claim, we wouldn’t be here.

I’m not against all technology. I respect that some people feel that their lives are improved by stone tools and that hunters believe they catch more game with spears, but fire is going a step too far. We should be sleeping each night as Nature intended, sheltered in caves, whispering affirmations, safe in the knowledge that if we eat right and exercise our children will not be eaten.

I say: Trust carnivores!

Yes, I recognize that babies are less likely to be snatched if they sleep in caves protected by fire, but there is more to sleep than whether the baby survives the night. It may be true that babies who sleep in caves without fire are 10 times more likely to be prey for carnivores than babies who are protected by fire, but the absolute risk of getting eaten on any given night is really very low.

Moreover, in an emergency develops and a lion or jackal is has one of our babies in its jaws, we can light a torch then to frighten the animal away. There’s plenty of time to do that when the emergency occurs; there is no need to have a fire going each and every time darkness falls.

Plus, and this is something that men simply don’t understand, some babies are meant to get eaten.

Ladies, I encourage you to educate yourself about the risks of fire. Overuse of fire can lead to burned clothes, charred cave walls and even burn injuries to children. These risks are simply unacceptable! The fact that a few extra babies may be saved from tigers is a trivial benefit that pales in comparison to the risks.

You think I’m exaggerating? I doubt it. At this rate it is only a matter of time before 100% of cave dwellers sleep in caves protected by fire.

There must be limits to technology! If we don’t call a halt to parenting interventions like fire, the next thing you know all the men will be insisting that we cook our food with fire. Okay, okay, that’s probably an exaggeration, but let’s face it, technology should be reserved for emergencies. For 99.9% of the time, natural is best.


This piece is satire.

45 Responses to “Some babies are just meant to get eaten”

  1. Jenn
    September 2, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    I’m sad you had to label it as satire. It astounds me how ignorant some people are.

  2. Ducky
    August 29, 2013 at 11:08 am #

    This is brilliant. Needs to be disseminated more widely!

  3. OBPI Mama
    August 28, 2013 at 6:18 am #

    I. Love. It.

  4. KarenJJ
    August 27, 2013 at 11:23 pm #

    How to be a nice racist:

    Breastfeeding yoga mum and cultural appropriation.

    • auntbea
      August 28, 2013 at 10:56 am #

      The indigenous women of Bali do not want a shout-out for inspiring a fashion shoot.

  5. Susan
    August 27, 2013 at 8:01 pm #

    Well, if fire were really needed outside a cave how on earth did the human race survive prior to putting fire outside the cave?

    • Young CC Prof
      August 27, 2013 at 11:00 pm #

      Excellent point! And those nutty anthropologists, who claim we were using fire since “before we were biologically human,” come on, that’s crazy.

      • Susan
        August 27, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

        Well, I guess the human race didn’t evolve until homo erectus put fire outside the cave darn it….. never let the facts get in the way of a good analogy!

  6. Lisa from NY
    August 27, 2013 at 4:41 pm #

    Furthermore, in 1957 when people started vaccinating their kids against polio, the CROTCH college declared war on technology.

    • Lisa from NY
      August 27, 2013 at 4:45 pm #

      After all, any kid who gets polio can be saved with the iron-lung machine.

      • auntbea
        August 27, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

        Can we require all anti-vaxxers to view and write 1000 words on this photo?

        • Felicitasz
          August 31, 2013 at 8:38 am #

          Thank you for putting my thoughts into words, I am too much in shock.
          Re Jenna “stares in horror” – yes, me too.

      • fiftyfifty1
        August 27, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

        I trained under an OB who had delivered babies of women in iron lungs. Can you imagine falling ill with polio while pregnant?

      • theadequatemother
        August 27, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

        the polio epidemic was responsible for the invention of the mechanical positive pressure ventilator. Entire classes of medical students were taken off of rotations in Europe and did shifts working bellows to PPV polio patients.

      • Jenna
        August 28, 2013 at 7:51 am #

        Dear God in Heaven. ~stares in horror~

  7. Elle
    August 27, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

    Babies die in caves with fires too! Educate yourselves!

    • Yammy
      August 27, 2013 at 2:23 pm #

      LOL I was thinking this…Fires kill babies, too!! The obvious solution to there being a small risk to to your child’s health and well being is to do something else that greatly increases the risk to your child’s health and well being! Wake up, sheeple!

    • Captain Obvious
      August 27, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

      I think those writings on the wall demonstrated that their loosely organized statisticians called CAVA-MANA have failed to release the statistics of exactly how many babies have died in caves with no fire. How is a cave woman supposed to decide whether to choose fire or trust carnivores?

  8. ccccat
    August 27, 2013 at 12:58 pm #

    OT: Dr. Amy you have to read this slate article to believe it. Seems some midwives want to get into the business of fertilization. The article is way to midwife friendly, IMO. Did you know that midwifery training is basically the same as medical training?

    • Amy Tuteur, MD
      August 27, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

      The author has no idea what she is talking about when it comes to midwives. My overall reaction to the article, though, is that at least CPMs are unlikely to kill anyone when doing inseminations.

      • theadequatemother
        August 27, 2013 at 1:42 pm #

        IUI? what about cervical lacerations, uterine ruptures?

        • Amy Tuteur, MD
          August 27, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

          Trust catheters!

        • Captain Obvious
          August 27, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

          I’m sure they will use hibiclens on the cervix before they pass the IUI catheter. Maybe some probiotics the week before, or garlic near the cervix the night before.

      • fiftyfifty1
        August 27, 2013 at 9:30 pm #

        ” My overall reaction to the article, though, is that at least CPMs are unlikely to kill anyone when doing inseminations”
        IIRC I read a case report of a life-threatening reaction that happened when an untrained person figured that they could do IUI with semen rather than washed sperm.This is what I would be worried about with CPMs doing inseminations. Do you think CPMs are able to voluntarily limit themselves to intravaginal inseminations? I don’t.

      • ccccat
        August 28, 2013 at 11:21 am #

        I don’t know about that. Given how quickly midwives are willing to jump in over their heads, I wouldn’t be surprised if they caused scarring or infection or something.

    • Yammy
      August 27, 2013 at 2:35 pm #

      Well, I guess it was only a matter of time. If you’re going to be there for the train wreck, you might as well be the one to put the penny on the track in the first place. Great business strategy, though, I have to admit.

    • Squillo
      August 27, 2013 at 10:28 pm #

      Damn midwives. Want to medicalize conception.

  9. auntbea
    August 27, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

    1) THIS is why I come here. Well done!
    2) No ancient Africans were ever saved from tigers, fire or no.

    Also, while we’re at it, if they had already invited writing 500,000 years ago, we should probably listen to what they have to say because they were obviously geniuses. 😉

  10. Amy M
    August 27, 2013 at 11:46 am #

    Don’t forget about proper herbal wards too…carnivores hate it when you leave bunches of sage, lemongrass, lavender and marigold tied up with sinews of previous carnivores you’ve killed, and sprinkled with essential oils at the mouth of the cave.

    • Zornorph
      August 27, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

      Something I have always wondered – what the hell are ‘essential oils’? Are there ‘unessential oils’, too?

      • Anonymous
        August 27, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

        Essential doesn’t mean “needed” like oxygen is essential. They mean “essence.” I guess they’re more important sounding than they are. Sort of how “Engineer” can have nothing to do with engines in English.

        • KarenJJ
          August 27, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

          So it means they smell? Did the term ‘smelly oils’ not do so well in a marketing poll?

          • Amy M
            August 27, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

            ding, ding, ding!

  11. Isilzha
    August 27, 2013 at 11:43 am #

    Obviously if you’re co-sleeping you should never have to worry. After all, your amazing mother senses will alert you to any approaching predator and your amazing mother strength will, naturally, be able to fight off a large carnivore!

    • Zornorph
      August 27, 2013 at 12:28 pm #

      And if not, hey, you’ll both get eaten and the baby will be desert.

  12. fiftyfifty1
    August 27, 2013 at 11:40 am #

    Heck, after seeing the title I thought you were going to write that since the first mammals were hamster-like creatures, and since all of us descended from these animals, and since everybody knows that hamsters sometimes eat their own young….

    • Squillo
      August 27, 2013 at 10:27 pm #

      You jest, but Michel Odent is speaking at the upcoming Midwifery Today in a session on “Demedicalizing a Physiological Process” described thus:

      The common element for disturbing birth through the millennium, which was accelerated in the past century, is human interference. Birth for humans is a mammalian event—one where the primitive brain must take center stage. Let’s explore how to mammalize birth while keeping the spiritual dimension.

      You really can’t do much to parody these folks; they do it so well themselves.

      • Amy M
        August 28, 2013 at 7:52 am #

        “mammalize”? I keep a jargon dictionary in the back of my meeting notebook, for made-up words or words/phrases used incorrectly. (It amuses me during boring meetings, and I work in biological science…you’d think this would decrease the amount of this sort of thing, but no.) This guy could probably fill his own notebook…what the hell does mammalize even mean?

        • auntbea
          August 28, 2013 at 10:51 am #

          I am pretty sure that until we start laying thousands of eggs to be fertilized externally, human birth is going to be a “mammalian event.”

          • Squillo
            August 28, 2013 at 11:50 am #

            Wait till they find out that some mammals don’t even have placentas. (Of course, I read that kangaroos have 3 vaginas, so maybe that makes up for the regrettable lack of a placenta to worship.)

        • Squillo
          August 28, 2013 at 11:46 am #

          He’s in the wrong profession. He should be giving classes to corporate spin-meisters.

    • Young CC Prof
      August 28, 2013 at 7:23 pm #

      I also thought cannibalism of the young when I saw the title. Fish do it, hamsters do it, male lions do it, it’s totally natural.

  13. Amy M
    August 27, 2013 at 11:37 am #

    Well, I know MY baby won’t get eaten because my husband scouted around and looked for carnivore scat and didn’t find any, last week. Do your research, ladies!!!

    • auntbea
      August 27, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

      You don’t want just any non-fire-builder. Ask some questions about their non-fire-building technique to make sure they are trained in not building fires.

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