I’ve found the perfect hat for the naturally born baby!!


Thank goodness for geniuses like Carla Hartley of “trust birth” fame. She intuited that putting one of those cute knit hats on a baby to prevent heat loss after birth actually can harm the baby’s health for the rest of its life AND precipitate maternal postpartum hemorrhage.

The sheeple of the homebirth movement (get it? knitting? sheeple?) having been falling all over themselves to embrace this new form of “defiance.”

The nitwits (knitwits?) at Modern Alternative Pregnancy have this to say (Take it Off: Why You Should Drop Your Newborn’s Hat):

Mothers and babies are wired by nature to recognize each other’s smell. Your baby can recognize you on scent alone, and you can recognize your newborn on scent alone. These smells cause the two of you to bond strongly, right away…

The smell of your new baby’s head isn’t just important for bonding, it’s important for your safety and baby’s well-being. The olfactory system expects certain cues right after your baby is born – these cues are supplied by the smell of your baby’s head as you snuggle with him or her after birth (it’s an even stronger cue than breastfeeding).

This trigger to your olfactory system (and limbic system) cues a massive rush of oxytocin, the “mothering hormone.” Oxytocin causes your uterus to contract, which shears the placenta from the wall of the uterus and forces an instant constriction of the blood vessels that were running to the placenta. This means a safe, effective third stage of labor for you (Odent, 2013).

There’s really no limit to the gullibility of these fools, is there?

But wait! I have found a solution for the terrible problem of hatting! The solution is vaginal knitting.

Yes, you heard that right. Vaginal knitting as practiced by this self-styled “craftivist.”

vaginal knitting

According to the Mirror (Artist shoves ball of wool up her VAGINA to knit with it for a month):

Casey Jenkins from Melbourne, Australia, wanted to do something unusual with her knitting to make women’s private parts appear less “shocking or scary”…

She pulls the thread straight out of her vagina and knits streams of yarn in front of an audience.

This is how you can create the perfect hat for your naturally born baby. Shove a ball of yarn up your vagina immediately after birth (there should be plenty of room, enough for the economy size) and knit a hat imbued with those birth smells that are so important.

It might be a little uncomfortable, but then again, it might be arousing. According to Casey, who continues vaginal knitting during her period:

For starters, when I’m menstruating it makes knitting a hell of a lot harder because the wool is wet so you have to kind of yank at it.

“It’s sort of slightly uncomfortable sometimes, arousing sometimes.

Birth orgasms are so 2013. I predict that vaginal knitting orgasms are the wave of the future.

So there you have it, my solution to the outrageous hospital plot of hatting newborns, designed to destroy bonding and promote postpartum hemorrhage.

Vaginal knitting of newborn hats allows babies to keep their birthy smells and wear them, too.