Crunchy sex is better? Could have fooled me.

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Apparently in the world of natural parenting, “mom-petition” is not enough. Sure you may have had the longest unmedicated labor, breastfed your child until high school, and risked his life by refusing vaccines, but how’s your sex life?

According to Rose Hollo, crunchy moms do it best! However, after reading her explanation of what makes crunchy sex better, I’m forced to conclude that if this is better sex, crunchy moms have terrible sex lives.

What makes crunchy sex better?

1. Co-Sleeping

Really? Having a toddler or preschooler in your bed makes sex better. On what planet would that be?

2. Breastfeeding

Breasts that used to belong to one’s mate suddenly belong to the baby. The thought of that particular body part being “shared” for different applications is just plain weird for some crunchy mamas. Of course, there’s the milk itself, which leaks and sprays in abundant blessings at the most inopportune times.

Who knew that milk in the eye was erotic?

3. Natural Family Planning:

Expanding on the notion of “inopportune:” Mamas who have recently given birth are believed to be extra-fertile, and are encouraged by doctors to take precautions. But instead of popping a hormone pill daily, many crunchy moms use the “natural family planning” method, or “NFP.” This means that before relations happen, mom must take her temperature, pee on a stick, and record various “signs” into a charting application that tracks her monthly cycle. For those avoiding pregnancy, this time-consuming process is worth it for health reasons. Unfortunately this method is not 100% effective at preventing pregnancy. Those who prefer the “natural” style like to avoid condoms or other devices, so only have relations when they are in the “safe zone” of their cycle. That’s not a great factor in spontaneity.

Well, if that isn’t an aphrodisiac, what is?

4. “Different Down There”

Rose acknowledges that many women are ashamed of their postpartum bodies and we all know how conducive shame is to sex. And let’s not forget vaginal dryness associated with breastfeeding.


Evidently for crunchy mothers, sex is like childbirth and breastfeeding: the more difficult, painful and inconvenient it is, the better it is!

If that what makes sex better, it’s no wonder crunchy mothers are confused on the issue of birth orgasms. It sounds like they may never have had orgasms at all.