Lucy Lactivist explains: Big Eyewear has convinced people they are nearsighted

many fingers seen on single hand isolated on white

Hi, folks! It’s Lucy Lactivist here. I’m a certified lactation consultant, though I prefer to think of myself as “The Breast Whisperer.” I am so skilled I can help any woman breastfeed … or at least make her feel like its her fault if she can’t. That’s why I created the FFFL Facebook page — Formula Feeding’s For Losers.

I’m branching out these days, and adding certified vision consultant to my list of skills. After all, vision is every bit as natural as breastfeeding, and works right nearly all the time.

Just like every woman could breastfeed, every woman could have perfect vision if she only had more support.

Here’s a scary statistic for you: Approximately 30% of Americans are diagnosed as nearsighted and end up wearing glasses or contacts!

Are we really supposed to believe that 1/3 of all people can’t adequately see without vision correction? No animals wear artificial vision substitutes (aka glasses), do they? They didn’t have glasses in nature, folks, and we’re still here. The human race would have died out long ago if that many people really needed glasses.

What happened? In order to sell more artificial vision substitutes (aka glasses), the eyeware industry basically invented nearsightedness. Big Eyeware undermined trust in natural vision and convinced people they couldn’t see. Like formula companies, corporations put profits ahead of respecting nature.

Think about it: the human eye is perfectly designed to see, in the same way the human breast is perfectly designed to feed babies. Just as breastmilk is always available in the perfect amount, always at the perfect temperature and always really easy for the baby to get out of the breast, human vision is always available in just the right amount, is always focused in the perfect direction, and never requires squinting.

Some people say that vision corrected by glasses or contacts is just as good as natural vision, but that is absolutely, positively not true. Natural vision contains components that can’t be duplicated in glasses or contacts, which are only artificial attempts to mimic nature.

And glasses and contacts are made of chemicals!!! Not just chemicals, but toxic chemicals. Did you know that glasses cause obesity, diabetes and cancer? Yes, they do.

For example, the graph below covers the years 1500-2000.

Blue business graph with blue arrow up, three-dimensional rendering

You can see that as the rate of glasses wearing increased dramatically (blue bars), the rate of obesity (blue line) increased dramatically, too. You could draw similar graphs for the relationship between glasses and diabetes and glasses and cancer (except you’d have to make them difference colors). What more proof do you need?

If only people got more support with their vision they wouldn’t need to give up and resort to glasses. Sigh, I wish optometrists were more educated about vision. No sooner does a woman complain that she is having difficulty seeing, then the optometrist immediately gives her a vision test and recommends glasses if the test is abnormal … as if that’s the answer to her problem. Even worse, the optometrist makes no effort to help the woman reach her exclusive natural vision goals.

A certified vision consultant such as myself would initially ignore anything a woman has to say about her vision. I never believe women when they report on the functions of their own bodies. Everyone knows that they cannot be trusted to tell the truth; they’re just lazy and prefer to take the easy way out. They don’t realize the extent to which they have been brainwashed by Big Eyeware.

I’m not a radical. I recognize that some women truly have vision problems. For example, if a woman pokes her eye out with a stick I immediately refer her to a hospital that is usually less than 10 minutes a way.

Here’s how vision complaints should be handled:

1. Providers should deny that the woman has any problems with vision. You should encourage her to believe that she could see perfectly if she just had more support.

2. If a woman insists on an eye chart test and can’t see even the big “E” at the top, you should tell her it’s just a variation of normal.

3. Encourage the woman to work harder at seeing.

4. Before even mentioning the option of vision correction, you should have the woman read and sign a statement acknowledging that natural vision is the gold standard and that glasses or contacts are an inferior method of seeing. In addition, imply that glasses will make her look terrible, too.

5. Under no circumstances should you ever give a woman glasses or contacts to take home. If they’re in the house, they’ll destroy a woman’s resolve to rely exclusively on natural vision.

6. When women are admitted to the hospital, you should hide their glasses or contacts and make them beg for them before you give them back. Sometimes women just need tough love to rely on natural vision.

7. It’s okay to sell reading glasses in drugstores, but they should be locked up behind the counter and women who want them should be stigmatized by being forced to wait in a separate check-out line.

Let’s face it. Just like every woman could breastfeed if she tried hard enough, every woman could have perfect vision if she only had more support. That’s why we must spend millions of dollars to put multiple vision consultants in every hospital and doctor’s office. Think of the money the healthcare system will save if it doesn’t have to pay for artificial visions substitutes (aka glasses)!

Oh, and everyone should wear T-shirts like the one I’m wearing today. Look, it says, “My eyes can see; what’s your superpower?”

What do you mean you can’t see the writing? You could if you had paid me to support you.

10 Responses to “Lucy Lactivist explains: Big Eyewear has convinced people they are nearsighted”

  1. critter8875
    November 2, 2019 at 6:22 pm #

    I always had better than average vision. About age 50 I started needing reading glasses, and now need steadily stronger lenses for everything within arms’ length.

    I have actually had other aging baby boomer tell me they are going to try various exercises/natural methods.

  2. Russell Jones
    October 30, 2019 at 4:54 pm #

    This is outstanding! I laughed harder reading this than I did watching that Lacy the Lactation Shark video, and that’s saying something.

    The Eyeball-Friendly Hospital Initiative stuff was an especially nice touch.

  3. SheResisted
    October 30, 2019 at 1:17 pm #


  4. mabelcruet
    October 30, 2019 at 12:41 pm #

    You may think you’re joking, but ‘Natural Vision Correction’ is a thing:

    The theory appears to be that visual defects are acquired, so technically you should be able to exercise them away and get your eyeballs fit for duty again. And, exactly the same way that lactivists operate: “Most eye specialists continue merely to prescribe the wearing of corrective lenses for refractory errors, which—in effect—encourages the eyes to maintain abnormal vision by allowing them to become permanently adjusted to a constant degree of error”

    Big Specs is obviously organising a vast earthwide conspiracy to keep us all half-blind…..

    • Kimberly Brubaker Bradley
      October 30, 2019 at 1:27 pm #

      Except that natural vision correction doesn’t work. At. All.

      • mabelcruet
        October 30, 2019 at 6:26 pm #

        Neither do lactivists. No amount of bullying, shaming or guilt tripping is going to work with breasts that simply cannot produce milk.

    • StephanieJR
      October 30, 2019 at 3:45 pm #

      The fuck?

    • Russell Jones
      October 30, 2019 at 4:56 pm #

      Satire is dead AF. It was brutally murdered during the Shrub administration, and has since proven to be 100% resurrection-proof.

    • The Bofa on the Sofa
      October 31, 2019 at 11:15 am #

      Martin Gardner wrote about this type of stuff (natural eye correction) in Fads and Fallacies in the Name of Science

      That book came out in 1954, I think.

      This crap is as old as it gets, probably as old as corrective lenses themselves. The dumb thing is that none of the claims have ever changed. It’s all “lenses don’t force the eye to work better”

    • EmbraceYourInnerCrone
      October 31, 2019 at 1:39 pm #

      I had strabismus(Lazy-eye) as a toddler, so did my brother, they tried “eye exercises” and then patching the “good” eye for months and months. I finally got the surgery when I was 3. My parents had LOADS of fun trying these exercises and keeping a patch on a toddler..good times

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