Scientists discover biologic defect at the root of anti-vaccine advocacy: conspira-scopic vision

Binoculars Reflecting the Sky

We’ve long known that vision is more than the light that hits the retina at the back of the eye. The nerve signals generated by the light get transmitted to the visual cortex, located in the occipital lobe of the brain. It is there that the information is processed to create what we see.

Scientists have recently discovered a fundamental biologic defect that goes a long way to explaining otherwise irrational phenomena like anti-vaccine advocacy. Vaccines have been one the greatest public health advances of all time, yet some people don’t see it that way and now we know why.

According to lead investigator Professor Cy N. Tist, anti-vax advocates suffer a specific, previously unrecognized visual processing error. Tist and colleagues have named the distortion conspira-scopic vision.

Prof. Tist explains:

As far as we can determine, conspira-scopic vision results from a processing error that rotates visual signals 45 degrees, leading inevitably to a slippery slope. Whereas the average person sees a preventive health measure, those suffering from conspira-scopic vision mistakenly see an assault.

Look at the following historical image:

vaccinated 1954

Most of us see happy children proudly showing off the fact that they have been vaccinated.

Unfortunately, those with conspira-scopic vision, like “holistic” psychiatrist Kelly Brogan, as well as the folks at who created the image, see the following profoundly distorted image:

vaccine checkpoint

Hard to believe that we are looking at the same picture, but we are.

Here’s another example:

syringe injection

Most of us see a woman happily receiving a vaccination.

The folks at the Australian Vaccination Network, all of whom suffer from conspira-scopic vision, see a rape:

vaccine rape

Is it any wonder then that anti-vaccine activists have an irrational fear of vaccines that is resistant to any and all scientific evidence?

According to Prof. Tist, anti-vaccine advocates are not the only people who suffer from conspira-scopic vision. He believes that food activists like Vani Hari (The Food Babe), anti-GMO activists, and even homebirth advocates suffer from conspira-scopic vision. Their vision is mistakenly skewed, causing them to see conspiracies everywhere.

There’s only one known cure for conspira-scopic vision, and that is a thorough education in science and statistics. Unfortunately, conspira-scopic vision has recently been developing resistance to both facts and education, which dramatically complicates efforts to treat it.

What you see depends on how you process visual information. Those who have processing defects like conspira-scopic vision deserve our sympathy and support. Obviously we cannot agree with them since they have no idea what they are talking about, but we can acknowledge that it is a processing error that leads to their ignorant and outrageous conclusions, not mere stupidity.


This piece is satire.